3652 Days
by destielshipper
Summary: AU: They were complete opposites but they were two peas in a pod and always would be. Dean Winchester had no idea when he met the strange boy with the strange name for the first time how important he would become to him. It takes ten years of friendship, loss, heartbreak, and most of all love to realise how truly naive they were to believe that all they could have is friendship.
1. Chapter 1

_**September 2014**_

Dean stared into the furious eyes of his best friend, the one person in his life who had been his constant, the shoulder to cry on, the arms to seek comfort in and now they were standing in front of him blazing with fury. Dean's hands were pinned to his sides clenched tight and he swallowed hard not wanting to back down and he certainly wasn't about to let him go. Castiel's voice cut through his thoughts and he focused on him ignoring the presence of Sam and Gabriel standing behind them.

"Give me one good reason to stay, Dean!" he shouted at him.

"Guys, don't do this!" Sam exclaimed looking between them and being held back by Gabriel who was shushing him softly and speaking to him in low tones.

"Tell me, Dean" Castiel insisted at him getting into his personal space. Dean regarded this for a moment, this same action that he had carried for all these years; he was _always_ getting into his personal space like it was completely new to him.

His heart was beating erratically in his ears, his breathing laboured and fast that it was hurting his lungs and the panic was real and there. Castiel was beyond furious as he searched his eyes and he felt the real fear of losing him grip his chest till it ached. This was _his _best friend, _his _Castiel, the one who stayed there like a stubborn mark on his life refusing to be rubbed out and he loved that. Dean trailed his eyes up and down his face making the decision right there as the realisation, the realisation of all realisations out there as it hit him with the force of what felt like a truck that this brilliant, bizarre, beautiful freak he had claimed ten years ago was the man he was meant to be with.

"One reason"

"Yes!"

"Okay, I'll give you a fucking reason" Dean hissed at him pulling him forward and covering his mouth with his in a hard kiss. Castiel squeaked stunned for a long moment before pulling back to stare at him breathing warm air over those lips. Dean smiled at him softly which was met by Castiel's shy smile as they kissed once again.

"There's your reason"

Gabriel looked over his shoulder to Sam with a smug grin. "Told you"

"Should we…?" Sam whispered holding out his hand for Gabriel who took it and they walked out leaving them to it as Castiel gripped Dean's hips as the kiss grew more deeper, tongues pushed and slid against each other and Dean's arms wrapped around his neck with an eager moan.

"Dean" he moaned in question looking into his eyes and groaned helplessly when Dean shushed him as they crashed against the table. Dean carefully picked him up putting him on the table as he devoured this mouth, this clever, witty, sarcastic, and mouth which let out the most deep gravelly voice that shouldn't belong to a man but somehow it seemed to fucking work. Dean groaned sliding his hands down his sides as they kissed filthy and moaned like whores grinding against one another.

"Please" Castiel whispered pitifully needing Dean, needing him more than ever because this was his dream coming true and he was more than fucking terrified this was all a dream again. Dean eagerly complied pressing him into the table which seemed to groan under their combined weight but until the whole thing collapsed underneath him they would ignore it. Questions, answers, and queries would have to be answered later because now it was about lust, need, and a craving that needed fulfilling.

"Dean, please" Castiel begged as he lay on his back knowing right now this should be the other way around. He had longed dreamt of pinning Dean down and fucking him hard enough for Dean to scream _his _name, and crave only him, find himself not being able to walk for a good week but for now, _this _was enough. Dean stole a quick kiss before shifting to unbutton and shove down their jeans and underwear bringing out their cocks rubbing them together. Castiel gasped wriggling and moaning underneath him as he slid his hand over them and bent down his head licking and biting into his mouth.

"Dean, please, please, yes, you're amazing" he chanted like it was his mantra. Dean smiled into his throat pulling up as he pumped them harder wanting to bring them both to climax at the same time. Castiel rutted and rocked his hips upwards needing to climax and stared into the emerald green of his eyes breathing hard.

"Come for me, come on…baby" he purred knowing what that name did to him and got the results when Castiel cried out clenching down. Dean followed soon after as they climaxed coating their hands and shirts in the pearlescent come. Sweat covered their brows and collarbones from the excursion of their activities. The scent of come lingered in the air as they looked at each other.

"Dean…?"

"Not yet" he said closing his eyes and lifting his lips to press on his forehead.

They stayed lying on their kitchen table, the tick of the clock the only sound amongst their mixed breathes and they stayed like that till they both started to feel the ache of lying on the kitchen table. Dean looked down into the wide eyes shining brightly blue with confusion and an underlining love for him that should terrify Dean but it had always been there even when he was angry with him which was often.

"3652 days, Dean"

"What?"

"3000, 600, and 52 days to make you realise that you, you, Dean Winchester, are the love of my life and always have been" he said honestly with a shake of his head. "Why did it take so long?"

"I don't know, Cas"

The kiss they shared this time round was tender sweet as Castiel touched Dean's cheek like he was precious, breakable, and the look they shared after was enough to shatter Dean's already damaged heart as he devoured his mouth wanting to make that look go away just for the moment. They would get to that later.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**September 2004**_

"Kansas City Kansas Community College" Dean read the brochure slowly glancing to Sam who shrugged at him. "Well…I start in two days"

"I wish I could start with you"

"Sammy, I don't really think they're going to fifteen year old kids in college are they?"

"Shut up, I'll be old enough soon" he said shoving at his shoulder and peering around his small box room. "Mom is really proud of you, you know, I mean, nursing is different and you're clever enough and stronger enough to do this and you're going to be great, Dean"

Dean felt his mouth slowly turn up in a smile and he met his eyes. "Thanks, Sammy"

"You're welcome…now get out of my bedroom"

"I'm going" he said with a puff of amusement walking out and downstairs into the living room to see Mary sitting on the kitchen table sorting through their photos.

"Hey mom" he said sitting down and swallowed hard at the lack of response. "Mom?"

Mary sighed softly looking up and blinking slowly at Dean. "It's been…one year since John died from that stroke and he won't leave me alone"

"Have you taken your tablets today?"

"Yes" he said with a nod stroking her hands over the photos before crunching her hands hard crumpling and ripping the photos.

"Mom!" he cried grabbing her wrists and looking into her eyes. "It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, mom, I'm here"

"Where's Sam?"

"He's upstairs in his room, remember? He's doing his homework" he said and moved towards her wrapping his arms around her thin frame feeling sick with nerves. It was two years ago when Mary started to show early signs of memory loss, forgetting names, meal times, forgetting to pick up Sam from school and it was only a few months after that she was diagnosed with showing early signs of Alzheimer's disease. It only got worse when John died a year ago from a stroke. It had been sudden and shocking for the family which ripped a black hole into their perfect foursome.

"Do you want to lie down?"

"No, no, I'm fine" she said patting his arm. "Shouldn't you be doing your homework?"

"No, mom, I don't have homework anymore, remember? I'm going to college on Monday" he said with a smile leading her into the living room where she sat down with a nod.

Dean watched her curl up in the corner turning on the television to watch the programmes she sometimes forgot. Mary had good days and bad days, there were days when she remembered everything and the bad days were she couldn't remember, she would scream, shout, cry, and believe that demons were out to get them. It scared Dean but it was up to him to calm her down, give her the tablets, and make sure Sam was out of the house for the most of it. Today was an okay day and with her tablets helping it would be an okay night.

His phone rang against his thigh and he pulled it out exiting the room to answer it.

"Hey, Ash" he murmured rubbing his forehead. "What's up?"

"Dean, my man, we're having a little get together on Perry Lake tonight and you need to come"

"Ash…"

"No, now this our last night before college destroys our lives"

"What are you studying again?"

"IT, dude"

"Oh right" he said amused biting into his thumb. Dean had been good friends with Ash Harvelle since kindergarten along with his sister, Jo Harvelle. Ash had been adopted into her family at an early age after his parents had died when he was only a baby. The Harvelle's were his saviours.

"So be ready for seven and you can come pick us up"

"Fine"

"Good man" Ash said hanging up on him.

Dean sighed deeply pocketing the phone and leaving Mary to head upstairs. Sam was deep in his laptop and blushed slamming it down when Dean walked in pausing to raise an eyebrow.

"Now, Sam, I told you about all that porn…"

"Shut up! I wasn't looking at porn" he snapped flushing a deep red.

"Oh yeah sure because that's the face of a guy reading up on law" Dean said with sharp laughter. "I'm heading out in a few hours so…"

"Dean, I know, okay, I'll make sure she's okay"

"I wouldn't go but…"

"Dean, you're allowed to have fun and you know mom would hate it if you stayed for her…she's not so bad these days" he said closing his books and standing up. "Where is she?"

"On the couch" Dean muttered folding his arms over and following after him as they went back downstairs. Sam walked around the couch smiling when she looked at him.

"Sam" she said with a smile sitting more up when he sat next to her and cuddled up. Dean watched with a small smile when she wrapped her arms around him holding her and with a nod more to himself knew they would be okay.

He left at seven that evening arriving outside the Harvelle house to see Jo and Ash running out and away from their mother's shouting.

"Don't be getting too drunk or I'll kick your asses!" she shouted after them as they slid into the impala with bags. Jo grinned at Dean who gunned it down as they drove down the road and Ash hummed in the back opening the bag and bringing out bottles of alcohol.

"We are going to get fucked up!" he sang with a wide grin. Dean rolled his eye amused glancing over to Jo who was unusually quiet.

"What's up, Joanna Beth?"

"I thought I told you to quit calling me that!" she said digging him in his side so he laughed and shoved at her. "Nothing, I'm just nervous about college"

"Why? We're all going to be there, Jo, and you love science" Dean said with a raised eyebrow. "It'll be fine and we're all together"

Jo gave him a small soft smile and nodded in agreement. Ash whooped joyfully thankful for the weekend, alcohol, and the fact they were nearly there. The sky was already darkening when they arrived and saw a group already on the benches near the lake. Now that Dean had arrived the appeal for it all seemed to lessen and he sighed locking up the car pushing his hands into his pockets as they walked over. He saw the people they did know, Chuck Shurley, Pamela Barnes, Tessa Reap, Meg Masters, and Ruby Doe but there were also others he didn't. Dean smiled in greeting when Tessa waved at him.

"Dean, I haven't seen you since graduation"

"Mmm, I've been busy"

"Same, I move to Texas in three days' time"

"Wow, Texas, that's a big move"

"Yeah well it's my college" she said with a chuckle handing him a beer. "How are you doing?"

"Good I suppose" he said with a chuckle opening it up with his key ring. "I can't wait to stop"

"Jo told me you are doing…nursing, right?"

"Right"

"Wow, Dean, that's quite incredible" she said looking at him with soft warmth in her eyes. "I'm sure you'll be incredible"

"Thanks, Tessa, I'm sure you will too" he said when she jumped up giving him a wink and went to find others. Dean's hands circled his beer as he hummed thoughtfully and cast his eyes around and focused on the bright red jumper talking with Chuck. His eyes roamed over and he wrinkled his nose at the bright colour of the jumper. He took in the unruly hair that looked like he had just jumped out of bed or fell into a bush, he was obviously lean underneath the disgusting jumper and tight jeans and he hummed looking away.

Ash decided it was the time to play the radio out of one of the cars loudly as things started to heat up. It was cliché for Dean who simply watched the others instead of joining in and was soon interrupted by Mr Red Jumper and he met the most enchanting blue eyes.

"Hello" he said in a voice that startled Dean and he nodded at him looking away. "What's your name?"

"I'm Dean, and you?"

"Castiel Milton, I have recently moved here from Kentucky with my family and I am enrolled at the Kansas City Kansas Community College" he said tipping his drink into his mouth and swallowing. "I see you are here all alone like me"

"I'm not alone"

"You are sat on your own"

"That doesn't mean I'm on my own…I'm with all these" Dean snapped. "What kind of name is Castiel?"

"You have a problem with my name?" Castiel said tilting his head curiously at him.

"No, not at all, it's just weird" Dean muttered with a sneer. "Why are you here?"

"Chuck…he has befriended me and suggested I come along"

"Chuck has befriended you? You talk weird"

"First it's my name and now it's the way I talk…is everything about me unappealing to you, Dean?"

"Well that jumper is hideous, your name is fucked up, and you talk like you're from the 1800's so a little bit yeah" he said without thinking seeing the hurt on Castiel's face.

"I see" he said pushing up and narrowing his eyes. "I see you don't wish to talk to me or even attempt a conversation with me which is in fact rude. My first impression of you is not a very good one"

"Whatever"

Castiel swallowed walking away and back into the now wilder crowd leaving Dean to stare down at the bench feeling like a complete jackass. He sighed downing his beer and going to get another one to drown away his feelings, fears, and most of all thoughts. More and more drinks were drunk that night and soon nearly everyone was drunk, making out, singing loudly, skinny dipping in the lake, and somehow trying to keep it down unless the police came to remove them. Dean was humming Metallica as he stood on the hill and stumbled on the ground sprawling and looking up at the night sky.

"Dean?" a voice said.

"Yeah?" he shouted struggling up and looking up into the concerned eyes of Castiel who knelt down staring at him.

"Dean, you do realise you are very, very drunk and covered in mud?" he said touching his cheek and pulling away quickly.

"What?" Dean murmured looking down to see he was in fact covered in mud, he was sitting in the muddy sludge of the hill, and he was that drunk it was hilarious. Castiel watched in silence as he howled with laughter picking at his t-shirt.

"You, you are-you are the one with the…no, come here, you-you are the boy with the weird name" he said pulling him towards him and trailing muddy fingers down his face. Castiel flinched back and looked over his shoulder at the rest of the group apparently disinterested or too drunk.

"Why-why aren't you drunk like me?"

"Because I'm not overly keen on bitter and beer, Dean, where do you live?"

"Kansas"

"Yes, I know that but what street?"

"Bellow Street, number 347" he said with a sigh falling on the ground again. Castiel sighed pulling him up and wrapping his arm around his shoulders as he dragged a bumbling and laughing Dean to his own car dragging him in and throwing him in the back seat.

"Second impression, Dean, even worse" he said climbing in to his green mustang and driving Dean mumbling about his name home.

"Cas-Castiel" Dean said struggling up and patting a hand on his head. "Where are we?"

"In my car, you're nearly home" he said looking back and pushing his hand away from his hair. "You're filthy, keep your hands away, and try to keep still"

Dean laughed slumping back and closing his eyes. Castiel parked outside the white house eyeing the dead place for a moment and looked at Dean now snoring in his back seat. He closed his eyes for a moment before turning around and patting Dean all over before bringing out a set of keys, one car and the other he hoped was his house keys. Castiel dragged an unconscious Dean out supporting him and hauling him to the front door. He fumbled with the key opening the door and peering in the house when a figure walked in from the living room.

"Who are you? Dean, is he okay?"

"My name is Castiel and your brother is drunk"

"He's never mentioned you before"

"I'm new to the state" Castiel said pulling him forward and dropping him on the sofa looking over him before looking up at the lanky teenager resembling only a small part of the unconscious man on the sofa. "I'm guessing you're his brother"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm Sam, I, um, I always wait up for him because this is common and well he likes to wake me up by crawling in my bed" he said with a roll of his eyes. "Thanks for this, Castiel"

"You're welcome, I had been aware of him most of the night and he was lying in a puddle of mud"

"I'll get him cleaned up"

Castiel nodded bidding him goodbye and left quickly after that leaving Sam to attend to his drunken brother.

"Oh Dean" Sam murmured pulling off his shoes and shaking his head as he somehow dragged him up and proceeded to drag him up chucking him in the show. "What the hell are we going to do with you?"

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean woke up with a hangover he didn't realise could exist and moaned turning his head to see he was in his bed and sat up confused. His bedroom door opened revealing Sam who flashed him an amused look holding up a cup of coffee.

"Did I tell you that you're the best brother ever?" Dean murmured when he passed it into his hands.

"No, not until I tell you that I had to stick you in the shower last night, change you and put you into bed" Sam murmured softly.

"Fuck" Dean muttered blinking at him confused. "How did I get home? I have no idea what happened?"

"Castiel"

"Who?"

"He said he was new to the state, he brought you home" Sam replied with a shrug.

Dean gasped in realisation swallowing hard and nodding. "Yeah, yeah, it was some guy who tried to talk to me and I…fuck, I was a real jerk"

"Great"

"He brought me home?"

"Yeah" Sam said with a nod. "Count yourself lucky"

Dean sipped his coffee watching Sam leave him to it and he bit into his lip feeling like a complete and utter jerk for the way he treated him beforehand. No one deserved that. The rest of the day was spent in bed for Dean suffering through his hangover and rolling his eyes when Mary came up shaking her head at him. It made Dean feel a little better to see her in high spirits and remembering things today that she wasn't yesterday. Dean knew there was no cure, not yet anyway, but he still hoped for a miracle one day.

The day ended with an early night for Dean for an early start on the first day of college. The morning wasn't a good one for Dean who woke up to a moody Mary who called him David instead of Dean and couldn't remember the date, where her keys were and Dean was more than glad to get out of the house with Sam after calming her down, giving her tablets, and moving out of the house.

"It'll be okay, have a good day" Dean reassured Sam as he dropped him off at his old high school for Sam's first day in junior year. Dean took off driving to college and parking in the student car park staring up at the place and felt a tickle of excitement. It was a brand new start, brand new day and hopefully the start of a brilliant future. Dean walked up through the entrance heading to the reception to find out where to go and was directed to the room. He wandered down taking in the long corridors recently done up and made brand new. His eyes roamed around for a familiar face when he spotted one looking down at a piece of paper in complete confusion and bemusement. It wasn't the face he thought he would see but it was the one he needed to face and talk with.

"Castiel" Dean said in greeting walking over taking in the white shirt, black cardigan, and same tight jeans with a nod. He scrubbed up nice for the first day and looked down at his own Metallica shirt and jeans. "I wanted to say thank you for what you did on Saturday"

"I couldn't leave you in a puddle of mud, Dean"

"I know, I know, I'm just…I'm glad you were there and especially after how I treated you…"

"Oh yes, you do have appalling manners and my impression of you is not great, Dean, you do come across as rather arrogant and a little unappealing" he said tucking the piece of paper into the bag against his thigh. "But you're welcome anyway"

Dean stared at him amazed and blinked looking away. "Wow, okay, um, I was going to ask if I could make it up to you but if you're going to be a fucking dick about it then…"

"I wasn't being a dick, Dean, I was stating my opinion and…here you go again" he said gesturing at him. "We barely know each other and my name is weird, I speak weird, you flicked me away like annoying bug and now I'm a fucking dick"

Dean closed his eyes breathing out harshly. "I'm sorry, okay, look…let me buy you a coffee or whatever you want right now and let's just…let's just start afresh"

Castiel eyed him carefully before nodding slowly and adjusted the strap. "Okay…I'll take that coffee"

"Great, great, I noticed a café" Dean said indicating his head at Castiel to follow as they walked in and Castiel sat down while Dean ordered two cups.

"I'm Dean Winchester, I'm studying nursing here" he said holding out his hand.

"Castiel Milton, I'm studying fine art" he said taking the hand and shaking it once before pulling away. "Nursing? Has that always been a great love of yours?"

"I guess, I…I kinda take care of my family most of the time and I love this little show…it's nothing" he said sheepishly with a smile that faded. "So you want to be an artist?"

"My brother, Gabriel, often says I have a talent"

"You have a brother?"

"Two, my eldest is called Zachariah who is twenty eight I never ever see because he hates me and my second eldest is Gabriel who is twenty two and I have a little sister called Anna who is currently in kindergarten" he said looking up at the waitress who brought their drinks over. "I met Sam last night; he seems very devoted and caring for you"

"He is, he's a great kid"

"I see that" Castiel said bringing his cup to his lips and sipping it. "This coffee is terrible"

Dean pressed his lips together amused looking down and brought it up trying it himself and blanching in agreement. "I'll take you somewhere better next time"

"Next time"

"Only if you want"

"I would like that very much" he said pushing the coffee away and giving Dean a small smile that would one day always belong to him.

Dean nodded looking into his eyes and losing himself in them for a moment before coming back and bringing out his timetable as they discussed it. This was the start of everything to come between them from bad relationships, lost friendships, death, love, unrequited feelings, and the span of ten years which would test them in every form until the moment in 2014 when a question is asked and a demand made that would change them both for the better.

**A/N: Brand new story! I've given you the general idea here and given you something I hope is a little different. This idea came out of nowhere and those are my usually successful stories. **

**Feedback would be amazing to be honest so please throw some my way. **


	2. Chapter 2

_**October 2004**_

It had been six weeks since Dean had charged into Castiel's life throwing Dean off guard and completely changing his life. Castiel was not normal. He liked tea with four heaps of sugar, he loved to spend hours in the box room of his bedroom painting covering himself in paint and losing hours simply splashing colour on paper, he hated chocolate or anything sweet, he loved classical music, believed in God and angels because of his name, and would rather lie on his bed reading a book then go out drinking. They were complete opposites with Dean enjoying beer and whiskey, partying whenever he could, he loved pie, sweets, and chocolate, he enjoyed women, sex, and spending hours buried in his beloved car, and caring for his mom, but somehow it worked. Three weeks after becoming friends, Dean told Castiel about Mary avoiding the sympathy in his eyes when he placed a hand on his shoulder squeezing it and simply listening, always listening, while Dean ranted to him about everything from the diagnosis, John's death, till he was exhausted and felt like a small weight had been lift. It only cemented a part of them closer.

Dean drove the two blocks from his house parking outside the small house on the corner with the red door. It was the Milton household with an absent father and their mother, Karen, a caring but determined mother caring for her three children even though the eldest currently living there was twenty two. Dean hammered on the door and stepped back when Gabriel answered.

"Deano"

"Fuck off calling me that" he said with a deep scowl shoving past him.

"Deano the dinosaur" Gabriel said with a snort. "Where's your brother?"

Dean turned narrowing his eyes and headed upstairs ignoring him. Gabriel had met Sam and Dean both together for the first time when he came around to pick up Castiel from their house, he charged in loud and brass showing off as he munched on a chocolate bar and spotting Sam in his Spiderman t-shirt, navy pyjama bottoms and cocking his head at him with a hum. Sam flushed when his eyes raked down him and he nodded introducing himself. Dean could only scowl shoving a stammering Sam up the stairs and telling Castiel to get his brother out before he kicked his ass. Ever since their first meeting, Sam would not stop talking or asking about him.

"You hardly know the guy!" Dean shouted at him when he kept pestering him about Gabriel.

"I do so, he has Facebook" Sam said and blushed swallowing when Dean turned with narrowed eyes.

"He's your friend on Facebook?"

"Yeah…I added him and he accepted but he's never on it" he said uncomfortably. Dean was ten seconds away from stealing Sam's laptop and deleting his account when Castiel called his cell distracting him. Dean did not like this fascination with Gabriel and hated Gabriel for spurring it on.

Dean knocked on the door before entering to see Castiel on his bed head literally buried in a book, again, he sighed slamming the door and grinning when he jumped out of his skin.

"You're such a nerd, what book is it now?"

"The Missing, by Sarah Langham, it's a good read"

"You mean it's a horror and I'm going to have you crying on the phone to me tonight or tomorrow aren't I?" Dean said dropping down next to him and smirking when he rolled his eyes slipping his book mark into place.

"No"

"Dude, you were on the phone to me for two hours straight at 2am threatening my life if I hung up because you decided to read and watch, The Shining, all on the same day. You're an idiot" Dean said with a cackle of laughter which stopped when Castiel shoved at him.

"No, it's about zombies or flesh eaters…it's rather gruesome in detail" he said leaning against his headboard. "Why are you here?"

"I came to see your sorry ass, how's the project going?"

"Perfectly adequate"

"Oh how proper" Dean said imitating him and chuckling when Castiel shoved his foot into his face with a small frown.

"Please stop imitating me"

"One does not stop imitating ones best friend" he said attempting to do an English accent placing a hand over his chest. Castiel growled shoving him off the bed till he landed on the carpet with a thump.

"I'm your best friend?" Castiel said when Dean huffed climbing up and lying down next to him.

"I guess…"

"You guess?"

"Yeah, I guess so, I don't have a lot of close friends…I mean there's Ash, Jo, Tessa, and Chuck…I have them lot but…no one like you" he said with eyes closed drumming his fingers on his chest. Castiel stared at his face in wonder for a moment shuffling down to lie next to him.

"Can I put my…"

"No" Dean said knowing he wanted to put his classical music on.

"Please…"

"If you buy me pie"

"Cherry?"

"Play your fucking music" Dean murmured and grunted when he climbed over to put his Ipod on and wandered over climbing on top of him to drop down on his side. Dean rolled his eyes looking over to him.

"How is this shit good?"

"It's relaxing, Dean, it's much better than what you call…real rock"

"Are you judging my music, classical boy?"

"Yes, rock man" Castiel said meeting his eyes dead on so Dean stared into them for a long moment before Dean tackled him into a fight. It always seemed to end like this with both of them tackling each other into a fight till one of them had each other pinned and after a good fifteen minutes it was Castiel pinning Dean to the ground as they both breathed hard.

"Eurgh, you win" Dean said breathless closing his eyes feeling the aches from his muscles and bruises starting to form from rolling around on the floor in an non sexy way. Castiel slapped his cheek once with a smirk lifting off him and brushing down his shirt and pants.

"I always win, Dean" he said sitting on the bed with a smile.

Dean glared up at him from the floor. "Ass"

"How is your mom?"

"She's, um, she's had a bad day…she didn't know who Sam was and kept screaming at him to get out" Dean said sitting up and peering up at him. "I had to shove Sam out of the door to visit Brady because he was too upset…she forgot, how could she forget him?"

"She's sick, Dean" Castiel said climbing off the bed and sitting opposite him. "She doesn't know what's happening"

"What if she forgets one day, really forgets, what if she can't regain her memory and we're nothing to her" he said picking at his jeans. "I can't watch that, I can't"

"I know, Dean" he said softly putting a hand on his knee trying to comfort him. "I wish there was something I could do, I have been praying…"

"Prayer? Prayer is going to do jack shit, I tried, believe me, I gave up on any of that holy shit when my dad died" he said in a sharp tone shoving his hand away. "Prayer is not going to help or cure my mom is it?! She's only going to get worse and worse till some men take her away to a mental hospital"

"Dean…" Castiel said looking up at him when he jumped up switching off the music and walking to stand by his window. "I was only trying to offer some support"

"I know, Cas" he said weakly crossing his arms across his chest. "I'm sorry"

Castiel nodded straightening up and brushing his hands. "Should we go get the pie I promised you?"

Dean looked over his shoulder staring at him and nodded hiding a smile.

"You always know how to say the right thing"

"I guess I have always been clever"

"I guess so" he said with a smile following Castiel out of the door as he headed down the stairs.

"Where are you two going?"

"Somewhere you are not, where is mom?"

"Shopping"

"Tell her I will be back later for dinner"

"Sure thing kiddo" Gabriel said when he left quickly followed by Dean.

"Is he always on that laptop now?" Dean said when they got in Dean's car this time.

"Most of the time recently, I think he may have a friend"

"What kind of friend?"

"The kind you meet on the internet"

"Yeah, I know that, Cas, but do you know who?"

"No…why?" Castiel said clearly confused looking over to him. "Why is this so important to you?"

"Because I think it's Sam"

"Sam"

"Yeah, my brother, my brother who will not stop talking about him" Dean said irritated. "He's like a big girl with a crush, a fifteen year old girl with a big crush on a twenty two year old!"

"Sam is gay?" Castiel said looking over to him.

"What?"

"I asked you if Sam was gay"

"I-I don't know, um, no, he's um…straight"

"Well then you have nothing to fear, Sam has most probably took to Gabriel. Gabriel has a certain appeal to be very irritating but an instantly likeable person" he said with a shrug. "Sam will most probably want to be his friend"

Dean hummed staring hard out of the window turning the corner to park outside their local café, it did amazing tea and pie. It was amazing for the both of them. Dean thought hard about Castiel's question over Sam's sexuality and frowned as they walked in realising that despite his young age, he has never had a girlfriend, expressed interest in any girl, and it was just odd. Dean slipped in the booth grabbing the menu to stare down at it and think while Castiel hummed waiting for the waitress who came over poised and ready.

"Tea please, four sugars, little milk, and keep the bag in" he said with a nod.

"Cherry pie and a coke" he said with a flirty smile when she scribbled it down flashing him a small smile before walking away. "You're so weird"

"I think of that as your phrase now, Dean, I am well aware of how you feel"

"You're an abnormal human" he said bringing out his phone to see no messages. "Sam's not called"

"He'll be with his friend"

"I'm just praying he doesn't go home"

"I thought you didn't believe in prayer"

Dean shot him a glare before looking up at the waitress bringing over their drinks and his pie. He dug in with a moan spooning the goodness into his mouth before holding it up and gesturing at Castiel stirring his tea slowly.

"No, Dean"

"You're breaking my heart here"

"I don't care for pie"

"I don't care for your shitty too sweet tea"

"Eat the pie I am paying for, Dean, and leave me tea alone" he said shoving the fork away so the mixture fell on the top of the table.

"Now look at what've you done!" Dean exclaimed disgusting Castiel by scooping it up and putting it into his mouth.

"You are a disgusting man, Dean"

Dean winked at him as he shovelled the pie into his mouth and they sank in comfortable silence. He looked up watching Castiel staring into his tea with a thoughtful expression, his face falling across his forehead, his eyes wide with wonder and something deeper, and he liked it. It was probably to think of your best friend as pretty but he was, everyone in college and that damn art class he took knew it. Dean chugged back his coke and gasping at the icy coldness hitting his chest till he had a coughing fit when it went the wrong way. Castiel rolled his eyes stepping out and moving to slam his hand on Dean's back till he choked it up and calmed down breathing hard.

"Thanks, Cas" he said in a wrecked voice clutching his chest and throat. "Fuck…"

"That will teach you not to drink and eat so fast" Castiel murmured into his ear pulling back, eyes flashing, and a small smile tugging on his lips.

"Fuck off" Dean growled sniffing and moaning at the pain in his throat. "That hurt"

"It would do" Castiel said slipping into seat once again. "Do you have any essays?"

"One or two" Dean said rubbing his chest. "I haven't had time…"

"Dean…"

"I'll do them! Get off my case, Cas, you know what's happening and how am I meant to concentrate when my mom is forgetting her own kids!" Dean snapped once again at Castiel who stayed silence staring at him with wide eyes. Dean glared shoving back and storming out of the café to leave Castiel staring after him with the sympathy Dean despised at that moment.

_**~0~0~0~0~ **_

It was 1am when Castiel woke up from a light sleep to his phone ringing and Dean's name flashing. He sighed switching on his lamp to answer it.

"Dean?"

"Cas, is-is that you?" he said slurring his words.

"You're drunk" Castiel said with a nod climbing out and grabbing his clothes with one hand. "Where are you?"

"I-I don't know…Sammy keeps calling, Cas, and I don't know where I am"

"What's around you, Dean?" he said calmly with one hand attempting to pull his clothes on.

"Trees…I think, Cas, Cas, I'm sorry…I got a bottle of…vodka and it's all gone!" he cried down the phone. "I don't know where I am"

"What else is around you?"

"Trees"

"What else, Dean?" he said exasperated.

Dean looked around from where he was sat against a tree and narrowed his blurry eyes. "Park, Cas, I think…I-I don't…I think I'm in the park…I can see the swings you don't like"

"Stay there, I'll be there in ten minutes"

"Cas, Sam…"

"I'll call him, stay there" he said hanging up and dialling Sam's number as he crept out of his room hearing Gabriel's snore from his bedroom. He snuck down opening the front door with the key on the wall when he answered.

"Castiel, please, please, tell me Dean is with you" Sam said desperately.

"Not yet but he's drunk in the park and he's called"

"Great…"

"He's a little upset over the whole situation with your mother"

"This is the sixth time in two weeks, Cas, I'm sorry about this" Sam said in a tired voice.

"I would never abandon him to the park and he needs me, he needs us right now" he said driving down the road. "I'll call you when I have him"

"Thanks for this, Cas, seriously"

Castiel hung up pocketing his phone and bringing out his hidden torch. He parked near the curb stepping out and swallowing hard as he dialled Dean's number flicking on the torch and peering around the open space attempting to hear the familiar tone.

"Cas"

"I'm here, Dean, where about you?"

"I'm near the swings"

"Stay there!" Castiel ordered with a frown knowing deep down he would move as he headed down the path towards the park with the torch in hand. Castiel found him five minutes later swinging on the swing and humming a Metallica song from the sounds of it.

"Dean?" he said walking over and putting a hand on the swing to stop him.

"Cas! You made it!" he slurred gripping his shoulders and dropping down on him. Castiel huffed holding him up and held him up with a sigh.

"You stink of vodka, Dean, and we have college tomorrow"

"Oh lighten up, you're such a…child, you-you never have fun…you're so boring!" he said shoving at him heavily stumbling back. "You're boring, Cas, you never have fun"

"I do have fun, I know _when _to have fun and I understand, Dean, but this is not fair to Sam, this is not fair to me or your mom"

"Shut up, Cas!" Dean shouted covering his ears.

"This is the sixth time in two weeks I have had to come to random places to haul your stupid ass home, Dean, I will always come, I will always be here for you but you have to stop this!" he said kneeling down to grip his shoulders. "Sam needs you to stay strong right now and I know you are suffering, I know you are upset because she's only getting worse day by day but you need to stay strong, Dean, you need to be brave"

"Shut up" Dean murmured with a weak so looking down. "You're a child"

"I am not the one drunk, sitting on the floor and in tears" Castiel said softly smoothing a hand down his hair. "You're strong, Dean, and this…this is just a little hiccup…come on"

"I can't feel my legs" he whined pitifully.

Castiel sighed deeply dragging him up with a grunt to keep him steady helping him up the path back to the car which should have taken five minutes but instead took fifteen from Dean stumbling and laughing through his tears. Dean hummed laying his head on his shoulder when he drove back.

"Cas, thank you, you're not a child, you're my best friend"

"As my best friend will you promise me something?" he said driving down the main road.

"Sure" he murmured softly against his t-shirt.

"No more drinking, focus on these essays, and be strong for Sam" he said when they arrived looking over to him. "Promise me, Dean"

Dean blinked lifting his head to look at him through bleary eyes with a nod. "I-I promise"

"I will hold you to this"

"I won't…I won't do it anymore…are you mad at me?"

"No, Dean"

"I'm sorry" he murmured pressing his forehead on his shoulder.

"Come on" Castiel said taking his hand and pulling him stumbling along with him. Sam opened the door when he knocked smiling at Castiel in relief and grimacing at Dean. Castiel put him on the couch covering him with a blanket and smoothing a hand across his forehead while he moaned burying his head into the pillow.

"Cas…"

"Don't worry, Sam, this is the last time this will happen for some time…I'll make sure of it" Castiel said putting a hand on his arm. "Go to bed"

"Thanks, Cas" Sam said walking away and up the stairs to bed. Castiel knelt down in front of Dean looking over his now sleeping form.

"You will keep your promise, Dean, or you'll see a very angry version of myself…you won't like it when I'm pissed off" he said rising up and leaving Dean to sleep away the alcohol and welcome in a hangover from hell the next day.

That next morning, Dean woke up with the hangover from hell plus a annoyed mother who was much better than yesterday, a pissed off Sam and Castiel's words ringing in his skull plus a threatening message. Dean knew what he had to do and kept to his promise as he took the day off college working on his essays ignoring the calls from Jo, Ash, and the others wondering where he was.

Dean kept to his promise not drinking and for the weeks that passed he kept to it impressing both Castiel and Sam. It wasn't getting better with Mary but Dean knew what to do and could only inwardly hope and on a blue moon, pray. In the weeks that Dean kept his promise was also the growth of connection of Sam talking with Gabriel every single night over messages. It was simple chatter about his school day, Gabriel's coffee shop, and any other thing he could think of because in Sam's eyes Gabriel was great, funny, and naughty with tricks he played on customers sometimes and privately for Sam very good looking. It brought a good feeling for Sam who often stayed up to the late hours underneath his quilt tapping messages to him on his phone. He kept it from Dean of course because while it was only friendly banter there was a good seven year difference between that he would not take kindly to when he learnt that while Sam liked Gabriel, he liked him more than he should and it was his guilty little secret.

Dean was at Castiel's one night as they studied together with Castiel's head in a book about some artist. He looked at his notes with a small sigh and nudged Castiel to get his attention.

"What?"

"Thanks"

"For what?"

"For just…being there"

"I never left" he said tilting his head in confusion

Dean rolled his eyes at him amused continuing to study and look at his notes as they drifted in and out choosing to dump the work on the floor and watch a film instead. Dean smiled when Castiel chose Shaun of the Dead and went back over to him. It was easy to curl around him as they watched it, it wasn't uncomfortable and when Castiel fell asleep an hour in the film it was completely normal. Dean smiled resting his head on the pillow switching it off and made to move when he thought, why the hell not? He settled on the bed closing his eyes feeling very well aware of Castiel's presence sleeping next to him but like Jo said to him once before you're not real friends till you've spooned each other in bed.

**A/N: You guys are just so awesome! Great response for the first chapter and here's the second now! Feedback for this would be greatly appreciated. **


	3. Chapter 3

_**December 2004**_

Gabriel was behind the counter pinning up a fallen decoration when the bell on the door rang out and he looked over his shoulder to see Sam, Dean, and Castiel shaking snow out of their hair all chatting loudly. He glanced over to see Castiel and Dean in a deep discussion over something he didn't care about and his eyes found Sam looking up and flushing a deep red when he met his eyes. Gabriel smirked jumping down and winking at Sam whose eyes widened as he stared at the little Christmas tree in the corner. Their little friendship, bond, or whatever it was had strengthened in these last few months from moving on from messages to texting one another in secret. Gabriel knew Castiel knew something was up but he wasn't about to tell his brother, he wasn't in the mood for the protective bullshit from Dean.

There was nothing wrong with what they were doing, they were just friends, Gabriel knew the age difference and so did Sam so it wasn't going to stop him. He liked Sam, he was a nice, funny, and smart guy but it bugged him to no end that Sam was only fifteen. It had been three week ago when Gabriel was waked by a text from Sam telling him a secret he hadn't even told his brother. He was gay, he had always known he like boys way better than he liked girls. It was easy to also come out and say he was too and he would help Sam when he eventually came out.

"Hey kids!" Gabriel said cheerfully walking to the table.

"Three hot chocolates" Castiel said tugging at the blue and white scarf around his neck. They were all wrapped up in scarfs and coats from the bitter cold outside and in three weeks it would be Christmas. Gabriel huffed walking away from them to make their warm drinks. Dean glanced over to Castiel running his finger over his Ipod to find a new track. They had come a long way over the past months since Dean decided to stay the night, spooning him, and reluctantly meeting his eyes when they woke up tangled together the next morning. It had been awkward at first but it was one of many nights when they were studied together, spent time and just couldn't be bothered to go home. They curled around each other sleeping and nothing more, Jo was right, it did strengthen something inside of them.

Over the past few weeks leading to Christmas, Mary was at a certain level, taking her tablets, having her good and bad days which Dean was in a way happy about. He had also kept his promise and the last time he had been seriously drunk was more than a month ago.

"Excited for Santa yet?" Gabriel said sliding in and putting the cups down.

"Shut up, Gabriel" Dean murmured spooning the cream on to his finger sucking it away. Castiel glanced at Dean and away watching the simple action and looked away with a hard swallow. Dean hummed spooning some more and leaning his hand away to dab on Castiel's nose with a snort of laughter.

"Dean!" he said with a huff wiping it off shooting him a glare. "Stop being a child"

"I'm eighteen, dude, and I'll forever be a child" he said with a grin sipping the chocolate. "This is good"

"Thank you, Deano, it's not been that busy today…fucking snow" Gabriel muttered looking at Sam busy not looking at him, a faint tinge of pink covering his cheeks and the back of his neck and busy shredding a napkin. "How was college?"

"Passed two of my essays, failed one" Dean murmured avoiding Castiel's hand while he tried to dab him with cream. "I will pour this on you, you sonofabitch"

"If you are going to put cream on me, Dean, let me do it to you or face my revenge unexpectedly"

"Oh I'm full of chills, keep your hand away!" Dean said mocking a shiver and shoving a hand into Castiel's face chuckling. Gabriel met Sam's eyes when he looked at him. The look was the same one they always gave each other when Castiel and Dean acted like this, acted in a way they both didn't see and wouldn't see for a very long time to come.

"Oh yeah!" Dean said full on laughing as he covered Castiel's face in blobs of cream.

"Dean!" Castiel said with a huff getting up and storming into the bathroom. Dean laughed into his hot chocolate clearly amused at his childishness when he caught sight of Sam communicating wordlessly with Gabriel.

"What's with the look?"

"What look?" Sam said innocently.

"That one!" Dean exclaimed looking between them.

"Deano, we have no idea what you're talking about" Gabriel said with a small smirk jumping up and moving back to the counter and into the kitchen. Dean narrowed his eyes at his retreating back before directing confused eyes at Sam who shrugged drinking his hot chocolate. Castiel returned to Dean's amusement clean and staring at him with a death glare.

"You've done it now, Dean, I will have my revenge on you when you least expect it" he said with a small smile drinking his cooled hot chocolate. Dean's smile faded and he glanced at Sam who smirked at him with a shrug as to say, you deserve it, and they drank their hot chocolate in silence.

"Here's your money, no tip" Dean said when they walked over wrapping themselves up to brace the snow and bitter chill of it. Gabriel sneered snatching it up watching Dean put his hands on Castiel's shoulders gently pushing him out.

"Here, it was great" Sam said shyly passing him $10 and stepping back.

"What? No way, keep it"

"I'm saying take it" Sam said leaning over and tucking it into his apron. Gabriel glanced down at his hand and up to Sam's wide eyes.

"Thanks, Sam"

"You're welcome" he said hurrying out after Dean and Castiel trudging through the snow to the car.

"Can I stay at yours tonight? You're closer to college" Dean said looking over to Castiel who nodded closing his eyes and switching on the heaters. Sam pulled out his phone to see if I had a message from him and smiled when he saw one new from Gabriel.

_**That $10 will go towards your Christmas present. **_

Sam smiled biting into his lip and glanced up to see Dean trying to take Castiel's Ipod because his music was "shit and it's about time someone intervened".

"You are sleeping on my floor, Dean"

"Fine"

"I'm serious"

"I'm serious about this Ipod…give it here!" he said reaching out to snatch it.

"You're going to kill us, look at the road!" Castiel snapped smacking his hand.

"Guys!" Sam said looking between them when they glanced back at him. "Can you get me home before you do this, I'm tired"

"We're nearly there; tell mom I'll be at his"

"Sure thing" Sam said when he parked stepping out and slamming the door behind him. Dean drove away looking at Castiel who rolled his eyes plugging his earphones in to ignore him and scowled when Dean blasted his rock music drumming his fists on the steering wheel.

"Dean, you are pure evil"

"Hmm" he said with a nod. "You love me really; I make that boring little life more fun"

"No" he said with a shake of his head.

Dean grinned at him pulling outside the house and stepping back to get his bag for college out and walking up followed by Castiel. Karen opened the door with a small smile when Dean walked in.

"Hey, Mrs Milton"

"Dean, I told you to call me Karen"

"Sorry"

"Hello mom" Castiel said in greeting taking off his coat and scarf. "Dean is staying, is that okay?"

"Of course" she said with a small smile walking into the living room to resume her programme. Dean looked at Castiel who indicated with his head to go into the kitchen as they got snacks and drinks before going upstairs. Dean walked into his bedroom after that looking around the box room, it always smelled of paint and aftershave, paintings littered the wall, and it was still the tidiest room ever. Castiel hummed dropping on the bed closing his eyes while Dean fiddled with the television flicking through them till he landed on the music channels smirking when Castiel huffed.

"I don't see the appeal at all"

"It's good, well some of it is" Dean murmured opening his bag of sweets dropping down on the bed next to him and smiling softly when he looked over to him.

"Gummy bear?"

"No"

"Why do you have sweets if you don't like them?"

"Gabriel and Anna, mom buys them for them but has to include me but I hate sweets, you know that"

"I do, you're a freak"

"Shut up, eat your sweets, and listen to your music" he said closing his eyes again. Dean laughed softly shaking the bed with his laughter and turned his head pressing his nose into the side of his hair. Dean had never been the person to be overly affectionate with his friends, he'd give the odd hug and backslap once in a while but with Castiel it was just a bit different.

"What's that smell?"

"I have a new shampoo, its grape"

"It's nice"

"Now who is weird?"

"Shut up" he said throwing a gummy bear in the air attempting to catch it in his mouth and failing, it was on the fifth try when the gummy bear hit Castiel was when he lost his patience sitting up and holding his hand out for the bears.

"What?"

"Hand them here" he said gesturing and turning to face him and throw them into his mouth. Dean brightened when he understood what he was going to do and caught it with a whoop chewing.

"Do I still have to sleep on the floor?"

"No but if you hog my blanket I will kick you on it"

"Harsh dude" Dean said with a gasp. "What about this revenge?"

"That…is still on the cards" he said chucking one and smiling when Dean caught it. "Good boy"

"Hey! I am no dog"

"Many others will disagree with that, including me"

Dean scoffed grabbing the pillow and striking him on the head till he grabbed it off him roughly beating him back.

"Dean, if you wake Anna I make you sit with her all night" he warned when Dean threatened him with a gummy bear. "She has taken a sudden liking to Barbie dolls, colouring books, and talking endlessly for long hours on her new friend, Rebecca Brown, and she will not stop to sleep"

"You're pure evil" Dean whispered throwing a bear at him and brought the pillow down to lay his head on it. "Come on then"

"Dress appropriately, I refuse to share a bed with you if you're wearing your jeans" he said turning off the television and ordering Dean to close his eyes while he changed into his pyjama pants and t-shirt. Dean did the same borrowing one of Castiel's which was a previous Christmas present, too big for Castiel and fitting for Dean.

Castiel lay on his side away from Dean settling into the mattress.

"Dean"

Dean rolled his eyes lying on his side and trailing his fingers across his back to tickle it. Castiel hummed closing his eyes letting Dean trail his fingers down his back. It was a rule between them that if Dean stayed in his bed, he tickled his back till he fell asleep. Dean always knew when he fell asleep, his breathing deepened and his whole body seemed to relax instantly. Dean drew his fingers away with a small sigh shutting his eyes and making sure to turn on the alarm, they couldn't afford to sleep in till 11am like last time.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"God, you're fucking hair, come here" Dean said that next morning in college stopping him in the corridor to fix it.

"Dean" Castiel whined shoving his hand away. "I'll see you at break"

"Sure" Dean said with a nod walking in the opposite direction.

"Dean!" Jo said running over to him when she spotted him.

"Why aren't you in lesson?"

"Free, and so do you, it's Wednesday remember" Jo said with a raised eyebrow. "You look…tired, what have you been doing?

"Nothing" he said with a yawn. "I slept over Cas' and the dude wriggles and tosses and turns till he's practically on top of me which then he'll stay like for four hours"

"If it's such a pain, why do you stay?"

"Because it's closer to college and he's okay company till he's breathing all over me" he said wandering into the library dumping his bag down. Jo gave him a look sitting opposite him.

"Okay, well, I need your help, I have this essay…" she said but Dean wasn't listening as he looked over to a young woman typing in her phone. Dean knew her as simply, Bela, she was a troubled woman but very hot with a good body. Dean met her eyes when she looked up narrowing them in contemplation and raising an eyebrow when he smirked.

"…and I…Dean" Jo said looking over her shoulder and smacking her hands in front of him clearly annoyed. "Stop staring at Bela Talbot, the ice queen, and focus on one of your best friends"

"Don't let Cas hear you say that" he said distractedly watching her flick her hair over her shoulder resuming to type in her phone. "What does she do?"

"Forensics" Jo said exasperated. "I don't know much about her but in her high school she was nicknamed, "the ice queen" and she's a bit of a slut with a troubled past, a very troubled past, and I just…I wouldn't get mixed up in that, Dean"

"That's for me to decide, Joanna Beth" he said with a grin.

"I told you to quit that!"

"Oh stop your whining" he said flicking a pen at her and looking up when Bela started to walk out looking over shoulder with him with a look in his eyes. Dean grinned slowly grabbing his bag and leaving Jo to stare after him as he followed her to an empty cupboard. He smirked when she pulled him pushing him against the wall kissing him hard, Dean hummed in approval kissing and licking into her mouth. They spent minutes groping and kissing till Dean felt the need burning deep inside of him.

"Bela" she said breathless. "I hear you're Dean Winchester"

"The one and only" he said with a nod pushing his hands up her skirt, shoving down her knickers, and tugging down his own jeans to push up inside her. Bela gasped at the intrusion and moaned in satisfaction when he hoisted up so she could wrap her long legs around his waist to fuck her.

Jo sighed shaking her head staying in the library but he never returned and she looked up when Castiel walked in staring at his phone.

"Have you seen Dean?"

"He walked out the library with Bela" she said with a sigh.

"Oh" he said narrowed eyes sitting opposite her. "Are you okay?"

"How are you with science, Cas?"

Dean was scrubbing at the lipstick on his mouth when he walked in with a smug grin, a light in his eyes, and messed up hair from a good half an hour with Bela. He looked at her number pocketing it and spotting Castiel and Jo.

"Hey, Cas" he said gripping the back of his hair gently to tilt it back.

Castiel hummed shaking his head at his grip. "Jo informed me you and Bela…"

"Can you tell?"

"Dean, you reek of perfume and sex, your hair is a worse mess than mine, and you're practically screaming…I had sex" Castiel said rolling his eyes and pointing at a sentence in a book.

"It was rather good" he murmured sitting down.

"One day stand with the whore of the college….congratulations" Jo said with a look of disgust. Dean frowned looking at Castiel who simply stared back and away to help Jo with her science questions. It didn't matter from Jo but the look from Castiel hurt a little; he didn't want him thinking badly of him.

Dean stayed quiet, brooding, and waiting till Jo grinned at Castiel kissing his cheek gently and leaping up to go to see her tutor.

"Do you think badly of me?" Dean said when he turned towards him.

"Why would I think badly of you?"

"Because…because of what I done" he said gesturing at himself and the door.

"You had sex, Dean, you enjoy sex, and she's not the first, there was Charlene a few weeks ago, Sophia, Denise, and that one weird blonde"

"Georgia?"

"I believe so, she is just one of many, Dean" he said with a shrug.

Dean licked his lips looking down at the oak of the table. "Gee, thanks, Cas, make me sound like a complete fucking whore why don't you!?"

"I…I'm only stating fact, Dean, the fact that you like to have sex with women, many women, and you have just returned from having sex with the whore of the college" Castiel said blinking confused eyes at him. "I'm sorry if I made it out to be that way, Dean, but like you said…you're afraid of commitment, love, and relationships never turn out the way you want them to be"

Dean swallowed hard not meeting the sincerity of his eyes. "Right…"

"Shall we go get really bad coffee and tea?"

"Yeah, why not" Dean murmured standing up and following after him. Dean sat at the table when Castiel returned with their orders and slid a pie over to Dean. He looked up in surprise.

"What's this for?"

"I'm not calling you a whore or a slut or a slag…you're just Dean, you like women, sex, but one day…you'll find the right girl for you"

"Thanks, Cas" he said softly and in surprise looking down at the golden crust feeling pulses and waves of warmth from the simple gesture. "So will you"

"Oh yes, maybe, but I think I might find the right man instead"

Dean paused looking up and meeting his eyes. "Oh yeah, the right man then"

Castiel had told Dean his preferences many months ago and Dean took it with a nod and a shrug while slowly digesting it. It didn't put him off, why would it? He was his best friend and the fact he preferred men over women was nothing, it was just his sexuality. Dean tucked into his pie hiding a smile when he grimaced at the tea and proceeded to put six sugars instead. It was typical him and he loved that, he always would and will.

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4

_**March 2005**_

"Roll on fucking spring" Dean said as they walked in the park together. It was a new year with winter leaving them and spring slowly and surely coming in. Christmas and New Year had been an eventual event for the both of them with Christmas being spent with their families, Dean leading his with Mary sick and forgetting the event, and Castiel with his family, no family and no Zachariah who refused to come. Castiel had given Dean an aftershave he desperately wanted and Dean handed him a CD of classical music he wanted and a new horror story. New Year was spent together in the Harvelle's party; the four of them attended leaving Mary in bed with her tablets and Karen with Anna who was too young for that. They brought in the New Year together drunk while Sam sat by Gabriel sober, he watched the events around him unfold feeling tired and needing his bed when he felt fingers stroke his hand softly. Sam turned his head towards him stunned to see Gabriel with glazed eyes stroking his skin before locking them together. They sat together hidden from the rest holding hands loosely and Sam could not be happier with this turn of events because it only strengthened whatever was slowly developing between them.

It had been seven months now since Dean and Castiel had become friends. Their bond had only grown stronger between them with only each other really for company since none of them had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Dean was still in the stage of fucking and running while Castiel remained adamant he did not need anyone right now.

"I thought you enjoyed winter"

"Yeah but summer is better" he said kicking at a stone. "So, I've been meaning to ask you…Eve is having a house party this weekend, her parents are away for two weeks and well…I really want to go"

"To get drunk and fuck a girl" Castiel said looking over to him.

"No! Cas, when was the last time I was seriously drunk?"

"January" he said slowly with a small smile. "I'm proud of you"

"Exactly and we've been stressed with all this work, your stupid project, and if I see one more picture of blood, mucus, or a fractured bone I'll be sick"

Castiel sighed when he gripped his shoulders pressing their foreheads together.

"Come on, we need a break, both of us, we need to have a little fun, drink, and forget about stupid college" he said looking into the narrowed blue eyes. "I'm going but I want you there"

"You'll have more fun without me there"

"Don't be stupid, Cas, just…please" he pleaded gripping his shoulders tighter. "I'll owe you one big time"

"Okay" he said with a nod.

"Oh you're the best" Dean said with a grin pulling away as they carried on walking down the path. "You'll like it, I swear"

"I rather doubt it"

"Oh come on, you need to lighten up, we're eighteen, Cas, not eighty and you'll look back and wished you lived it to the max"

Castiel stared down at his feet considering this. "You think I should just…let go?"

"Yeah! Hell yeah, Cas, just let go, enjoy yourself, and have fun" Dean exclaimed with a smile. Castiel glanced over to him with a nod.

"Okay, Dean, I'll just let go for the night"

Sam stared across the road to the café debating whether or not to go in when the coldness became too much and he walked over pushing open the door. He slinked in keeping his head down and sat at the table watching Gabriel flirt and smile at a young man in a suit giving it back to him. Sam felt a cold wave of jealously when the guy handed him a card and walked out of the door leaving Gabriel to stare at the card bemused. He looked up seeing Sam at the table staring at his hands and bit his lip knowing he must have seen that. Gabriel turned making Sam's regular before walking over and sliding in the opposite seat with his drink.

"Hey kiddo, why aren't you in school?"

"Free period"

"So you came to see me?"

"Yeah but well…you were busy over there" he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Thanks for the drink"

"Yeah" Gabriel said holding the card up to inspect it. "I have a feeling he'd be uptight and instructive in bed"

Sam flushed pressing his lips together and looking at the murky water. "Are you going to call him?"

"Nope" Gabriel said with a snort. "I flirt, it's my nature, but does it mean I want to jump every suit that waltzes in for my amazing coffee? No"

"Who was your last boyfriend?"

"Oh…um, his name was Harry" he said with a blink. "It was about seven months ago now, we ended on bad terms"

"Did you love him?"

"No" Gabriel said with an honest smile. "I didn't, he loved me, but I didn't love him"

"I've never been in love"

Gabriel chuckled softly leaning back. "I'd call you a liar if you said you had, you're fifteen, Sam, and you have all the time to fall helplessly in love"

"It's not that young…"

"You're seven years younger than me…in my eyes, that's pretty young"

Sam swallowed hard with a nod. "I-I sometimes forget you're twenty two"

"So do I" Gabriel joked watching Sam fidget glancing at the time. "Are you okay?"

"Sure I just…I better get going" he said jumping up and smiling gently before rushing out. Gabriel looked over his shoulder watching him leave feeling a little disgruntled and fearful for Sam taking off like that. He stared at the card for a long minute before crumbling it up and putting it in Sam's abandoned drink.

Dean sighed in relief when they got to Castiel's house and went up to his bedroom as per usual. Castiel sat on his desk bringing his laptop towards him while Dean grabbed the book he was reading thrumming through it.

"Do you read the book I got you?"

"Yes"

"Was it good?"

"Yes"

"Is this good?"

"I have only read three chapters so far" Castiel murmured typing on his laptop. "You can borrow one if you wish"

"Hell no, that's your area, not mine, you're such a nerd" Dean murmured tossing it aside and kicking back. "I'm bored"

"Find something to do"

"Let's do something un-boring and pay attention to me, not your laptop"

"You're forever whining, Dean" Castiel said ignoring him and gasping when the lid went down and he looked up at Dean.

"I'll break that in a minute"

"Do you have the money for my brand new one?"

"Shut up"

"That was important"

"Oh poor baba, Castiel" Dean said putting on a baby voice and poking his forehead hard. Castiel scowled kicking Dean who grunted dragging him down so they were rolling about on the floor aiming kicks and punches till Castiel landed a square punch on his nose so it exploded with blood.

"Fuck!" Dean cried clutching his nose and looking at Castiel who rolled his eyes pushing up and pulling him up silently. "You have a good swing"

"It's your own fault for provoking a fight, you always initiate it"

"I was bored!" he said pinching the bridge keeping his head up till he sat down and Castiel pressed a tissue to his nose shaking his head.

"Now look at the mess we are in" Castiel said holding it there looking into his eyes. "It's your own fault"

"How is it _my _fault that _you _punched me?" he said with a glare at him. "You've got a good punch on you though, I'll give you that"

"I have to when my best friend is tackling me to the floor for a fight" he said with a smile pulling it away and looking at it. "Does it hurt badly enough to feel broken?"

"No"

"Good" he said applying the tissue and stepping back to wash his hands and frowning. "I think I have a bruise on my thigh, it hurts now"

"Good" Dean said muffled with a smile. "Welcome to my world"

"You're pure evil"

"You always say that"

"I'm stating fact"

Dean huffed pulling it back and grimacing at the blood there. "I would get you as a best friend wouldn't I?"

"Are you regretting your decision?" Castiel said amused pressing a flannel over his nose.

"No" Dean relied softly looking up at him. "Why would I? You're okay when you're not punching me in the nose"

"That's very sweet, Dean"

"Shut up" he said rolling his eyes. "Go get me chocolate or something, I feel a little ill"

Castiel nodded checking he was okay before walking downstairs. Dean watched him with fond amusement staying there till Castiel returned and resumed to fuss over him till the bleeding stopped.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"Please tell me you're ready" Dean said looking in the mirror a final time on the phone to Castiel who hummed down it.

"Yes, Dean, I'm ready"

"I'm coming to get you in a few minutes"

"Okay"

Dean hung up walking out and walking into see Sam on his laptop typing furiously.

"Hey, sasquatch, I'm heading out"

"Okay"

"Will you be okay?"

"Yes"

"What's up?"

"Nothing, Dean, just go"

"Fine, call me…"

"…if anything happens with me or mum, I know, I'll call you"

Dean hummed narrowing his eyes before moving off and heading downstairs to see Mary staring aimlessly into the corner.

"Mom?" Dean said walking over and touching her shoulder.

"Did you take the cat out?"

"We don't have a cat mom"

"Of course we do!" she snapped looking up at him. "Have you taken him out?"

"Yeah, yeah, I have" he lied with a hard swallow when she nodded looking away.

"He needs the fresh air"

"I'm heading out, I'll see you tomorrow" he said kissing the top of her head, lingering there for a moment, before pulling back and walking away.

Dean felt sick as he slid into the driving seat driving over to Castiel's. He waited patiently till he slid in and he looked over pausing to take him in his outfit.

"What?"

"You look good"

"It's nothing"

"Shut up and take a compliment"

"You never give me compliments"

"Well take this one!"

Dean smirked when he huffed shaking his head. It was twenty five minute drive to Eve Small's house were music was already playing.

"Don't leave me alone"

"It'll be fine, come on" Dean said pocketing his keys as they knocked on the door.

"Dean" Eve said in greeting when she opened the door. "…and Castiel, come on in, if you're sick or you urinate anywhere in my house you're paying for the damages"

"Sure" Dean said raising an eyebrow when they stepped inside the luxurious house. It was clearly a beautiful house filled with unknown people and a few they did. Dean was more than glad when he spotted Jo and Chuck speaking.

"Hey" Dean said in relief when she reached out to grip his shoulder. "Where's Ash?"

"He's sick, he has food poisoning from a kebab I warned him about but he ate it anyway" she said with a shake of her head. "But you two made it here"

Dean grabbed the beers handing one to Castiel who grimaced at him. "Oh yeah….you don't like it do you?"

"Here" Jo said handing him a bottle of wine. "Knock yourself out"

Dean bit his lip watching him uncork the bottle and drinking it down. He eyed him surprised sipping from his own beer and letting him get "loose". An hour passed with things getting more and more riled up and more drunk, somehow along the way they had separated from one another.

"Jo" Dean said struggling up from the couch to touch her arm. "You seen Cas?"

"I think he went upstairs" she cried over the music. Dean nodded feeling his vision blur and hunted around not seeing him inside or outside in the garden. He swallowed moving upstairs and paused on the middle step peeking through the banisters to see him engaged in a conversation with a guy around Dean's height, wavy brown blonde hair, and a handsome face. Dean could see by the expression and stance of Castiel that he was drunk, very drunk, and he sighed moving up to get him when he spotted the stranger leaning in and taking full advantage as he kissed him. Dean froze staring as Castiel responded immediately kissing him back slowly as they moved away from the hall heading towards the bedroom.

Dean's breath caught in his throat as the door slammed shut and he could only move out of the way as drunken people shoved and moaned at him. He bit into his lip and walked back downstairs heading into the garden and grabbing another beer to join the others.

"Hey, Dean" Jo sang landing in his lap with a grin. "How's my favourite man?"

"You're fucking gone aren't you?"

"What?" she slurred with a chuckle. "No…"

"Liar" he murmured swallowing down his beer.

"Where's…where's Castiel?"

"Having sex"

Jo blinked startled looking towards him. "What?"

"He's letting loose" he said with a chuckle. "It's about time, I've been friends with the guy for seven months now and I've never seen him with a guy, I've just saw it for the first time"

Jo was silent considering this while Dean sipped his drink.

"Was it hot?"

"What? No" he said with a wrinkle of his nose.

"Just asking…" she said leaning her head on his shoulder.

He kept his arms around her as they sat in the garden together, drinking, dozing, and talking till he was feeling exhausted and wanted his bed. He was practically falling asleep in the chair with Jo when he heard his name being called.

"Dean!" Castiel whined walking into the garden in disarray. Dean stared at him bewildered taking in the ruffled hair, the thoroughly kissed lips, and pulled on clothes.

"Cas?" he said gently taking Jo off him and letting her rest on the chair. "What the hell?"

"I want to go home, take me home" he said resting against him.

"You reek of sex, Cas"

"His name was…Josh? I don't know but we fooled around" he said with a sigh. "Take me home, can we go home?"

"Come on" Dean murmured tugging him with him as they walked out of the house to the car. Dean knew he shouldn't be driving but he was sobering up now and they would get home in fifteen. Castiel slumped in the passenger seat with a sigh.

"Stay with me?"

"Sure" Dean murmured rolling his eyes.

"I feel sick, Dean…and-and I hate beer, the-the wine was horrible, Dean, and I…" he said scooting closer to whisper in his ear. "I had bad sex"

Dean chuckled glancing at him. "Oh really"

"Why didn't you find me and stop me?"

"I saw you kiss yeah, I did come looking for you and you…well you weren't fighting it"

"He was…he-he was sweet talking me, Dean, and he kissed me and it was okay and then we had bad…sex" he said with a grimace. "I want to forget"

"You will, eventually, and we all have it"

"Did you…?"

"Nope" he said with a shake of his head.

Castiel narrowed his eyes looking over to him. "We…we went to a party and _you _didn't have sex"

"Nope, I left that to you, you little whore" he whispered over to him.

"I'm not a whore"

"I know, Cas, shush, it's okay just sleep" he said in a patronising tone.

"No" Castiel murmured stubbornly folding his arms and remaining quiet. Dean pulled up outside Castiel's house and helped him out holding him up with a grunt.

"Fuck, you're heavy"

"Will you stay?"

"Yeah, Cas, come on" he said helping him to the door and fishing out the spare key under the pot opening the door. He pressed a finger to Castiel's lips shushing him and blinking when the light came on.

"Why am I not surprised?" Gabriel said in a low voice chuckling at the state of Castiel. "He's an awful drunk"

Dean hummed supporting him when he glared at Gabriel who smirked. "Why are you still up?"

"I can't sleep so…night cap" he said nodding at the candy bars on the table. "Get him to bed before he pukes. I refuse to clean up after his sorry ass"

"Shut-shut up, Gabe" Castiel murmured moving to the stairs. Dean rolled his eyes following after him till they reached his room and he tripped in chuckling with laughter only to be muffled by Dean slapping a hand over his mouth.

"You'll wake Mama Milton and I'm not facing her wrath" he hissed into his ear pushing him to the bed. Castiel hummed amused dropping on the bed and opening his arms for Dean who shrugged out of his jacket and jeans dropping into the bed next to him.

"Thank you" Castiel slurred resting his cheek on his shoulder. "You…"

"What?" Dean whispered peering over to him to see him breathing deeply and falling asleep quickly due to the alcohol. He sighed softly looking up at the ceiling before his eyes slid closed and he fell into an uneasy sleep.

The next morning was not a fun one when he felt movement and Castiel come off the bed running to the toilet. Dean opened his eyes hearing a retching in the toilet and huffed out a groan sitting up to clutch at his head. Swinging his feet out, he padded out smiling at Karen who was peering in the bathroom.

"Let me guess…"

"Too much alcohol" he said with a smile when she nodded patting his shoulder and went to wake Anna for breakfast. Castiel heaved into the toilet looking up when Dean came in and knelt down to rub his back.

"Dean, I'm dying"

"You're so dramatic"

"No, Dean, really, I feel like I'm dying" he whispered before retching again with a full body shudder and whimpered as the acid burned his throat and his chest ached. Dean grimaced in sympathy.

"It's your own fault for drinking wine, you freaking girl, you're such a lightweight"

"How is insulting me helping my situation, Dean?" he said sharply lifting his head up.

"I'm stating fact as you would call it"

"Eurgh" Castiel murmured pushing his head back into the bowel.

Like a good friend, Dean waited with him till he was done and leaning against the wall breathing shakily and moaning at the pain in his stomach, chest, and throat. Dean smirked softly when he looked at him and away.

"I had sex last night" he said slowly. "It was the first time in months and it was terrible"

"Was he a virgin?"

"No, just uncoordinated and clearly inexperienced"

"What and you are?"

"No but I was more experienced than him" he said with a cough. "I'm never drinking again, I refuse, and neither are you"

"I've been keeping my promise asshat" he said with a frown aiming a kick at him.

Castiel sighed rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "I don't do one nightstands, Dean, I now feel cheap…used…and it wasn't satisfying"

"It's just sex, Cas"

"No, sex is sex for you, Dean; I don't want that, I'd rather have sex with someone who knows me, who cares about me…"

"You said you didn't want a relationship not yet"

"I don't but I'd rather have sex with someone who doesn't think I'm some slut or whore the next day" he said closing his eyes.

Dean snorted with a nod. "Is that your way of saying in a way that I'm a slut or whore"

"No"

"Liar" Dean said sharply picking at fingernail. "I know you"

"You're not a whore, Dean"

"Yeah I am"

"Dean…"

"I am! We both know it, I seen the way you looked at me when I thought I got that girl Maria pregnant or when I thought I had an STD" he said with a sigh sitting up. "I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it but the thought of a relationship just…I can't"

Castiel stared at him for a long moment. "I wouldn't expect anything else, Dean, and I'm not judging you or calling you a whore because you're Dean"

"That's a lame ass excuse"

"It's the truth" he said staring at him with wide eyes. "You're Dean, you're my best friend, and I would never judge you, call you names, or do anything bad enough to hurt you"

"Promise"

"Yes, Dean, I promise" he said with a small smile when Dean grinned at him.

"Good, right, shall we go get you a nice…greasy….sausage, bacon, and egg sandwich dripping in fat, oil…" he said and laughed when Castiel groaned shaking his head heading to the bowel.

"I hate you!" he said into the bowel.

"No you don't, I'm your Dean" he said with a chuckle leaning his head back to look up at the ceiling feeling elated and knowing they were going to be okay. It was a wonder what the future would bring them and he could only hope it was pure awesomeness.

**A/N: Aw, thank you for the reviews! Pre-warning, happiness and teenage happiness of cuteness, fluff, and spooning will come to an end when one of them in future chapters is going to start taking drugs. Ten guesses who….ahaha so yeah, it's a warning now. **


	5. Chapter 5

_**August 2005**_

The last five months had been eccentric, messy, hardworking, and the most surprising spring/summer they had in a while. College was driving both Dean and Castiel to work harder than they had even imagined with time being spent apart for days without so much as seeing each other. It was difficult for the both of them not spending enough time with each other but they needed to pass the first year or all careers, future plans, and anything to do with their jobs would have to come first. When they did it was spent in the sunshine, the summer had been a hot one with days in the park sunbathing with just each other or with friends, morning runs, going to the gym for a workout, or just being together.

It was also a very bad summer for Sam who after the incident with the coffee man and Gabriel in March could only stand back and watch with a wounded heart as his twenty two year old crush got a boyfriend. Gabriel met Karl Smith in his coffee shop when his regular latte and waffle was frequent, numbers were exchanged, dates arranged and soon they had become a "thing". Sam could only sit back and watch it battle on strong. The hurt was really there and he often called himself a fool for ever believing that Gabriel also but secretly felt the same. Their texting ceased more to a regular chat once and again and Sam stopped going the café. He hadn't been back since June and Sam knew Gabriel knew that.

Dean was typing on his laptop finishing up an essay when his phone beeped.

"Hey, Cas" Dean said softly answering it.

"Hello, Dean, want to come over? I didn't see you today"

"Sure thing"

"See you soon"

Dean smiled hanging up and getting up to walk out when he spotted Sam lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling with no expression.

"Sam?"

"Yeah"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing" he said softly. "Where are you going?"

"See Casanova, why are you laying there?"

"The ceiling is interesting" he murmured softly. Dean gave him a frown flicking his eyes up to the white of the ceiling and down to Sam.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Sam huffed giving a frown sitting up and staring down at his hands. "I was just wondering if you knew…knew if Gabriel was still with that guy?"

Dean blinked confused leaning against the door. "Um, yeah, yeah, I think so from hearing distraught stories from Cas hearing them having very loud sex"

Sam swallowed hard with a nod. "I thought so"

"Why are you asking?"

"Nothing"

"Liar"

"Go away, Dean" he said with a huff lying down on his bed feeling a sick twist to his gut. Dean eyed him for a long moment before kicking back and heading downstairs, he peered in looking at Mary cleaning in the living room humming a song. It made him smile at how content and normal it was, Dean decided against interrupting her and set off to Castiel's. He drove over thinking of Sam's question. In the last months neither of them apart from Gabriel had come close to a relationship, it was more one night stands, dates, and sex for Dean like it had always been, Castiel refused to have anything to do with that but had the occasional night when he gave in sleeping with a random guy after a night out, and to Dean's confusion Sam had nothing. He cut himself off and always refused to go out, come to the café or even come with them if Gabriel was there and that scared him more than anything. Dean was so lost in his thoughts when he parked that he almost missed Castiel opening the passenger and sliding in.

"Dean?" he said softly poking his shoulder.

"What? Oh, hey, what are you doing in here?"

"We're not staying in, take us somewhere" Castiel said with a sniff.

"Where?"

"Anywhere that is far away from Mom and Anna's pretend singing in the living room, I cannot stand another Madonna song" he said with a sigh pinching his brow. "How was your day? I'm sorry I missed you at break and lunch, I was caught up"

"It's fine, I know how busy you are…so busy you have green paint on your cheek" he said narrowing his eyes at the smudge on his cheek. Castiel gave a frown looking into the mirror of his phone and sighing as he rubbed it hard. Dean chuckled softly driving them somewhere different for once.

"Sam asked me about Gabriel before…" he said looking over to Castiel who met his gaze. "He wanted to know if he and that Karl were together"

"They are very much so and…Gabriel has noticed Sam's absence" he said with a soft sigh. "He keeps asking about him and Sam won't go anywhere near him and…I'm sure you've noticed"

"Noticed what?"

"Sam's crush on Gabriel"

"What?" Dean said with a scoff looking over and away. "He…he doesn't…"

"Dean"

"He's not gay!"

"He doesn't have to be gay to fancy him, Dean, but they've always been close, ever since they met and started talking…"

"Cas! I don't want to hear it, alright? He's sixteen, dude, sixteen and Gabriel is…well, he's a dick and also twenty fucking two and I just…no, Cas, I don't care" he said frustrated hitting his hand on the wheel. "I can't think about that and Sam will be alright, he's always alright, and he'll get over it"

Castiel flashed over a disapproving look. "Do you honestly believe that?"

"Yeah I do, he's my brother and I know him better than anyone" he said with a snort. "He'll be fine"

"The age difference isn't…"

"Don't you dare even finish that sentence!" Dean cried looking over to him. "Seven years, Cas, seven years age difference…Gabriel is twenty three in what….a month? It's wrong and I'm not having it"

"You don't have a say, Dean, it's his life…"

"I fucking do" Dean said in a low voice. "He's _my _brother and there is no way in hell I am letting Sammy date you're fucking brother!"

Castiel swallowed hard looking out of the window with a set jaw now completely ignoring Dean who was now inwardly fuming. While Dean fumed next to him, Castiel could only grit his teeth when a spasm of pain hit him, again, it had happened before previously in his room and he swallowed hard praying it was nothing but stomach ache. The problem was that this wasn't the first; it started more than five days ago with pain, diarrhoea, and nausea. Castiel didn't want to worry anyone, it was just a bug or a bad stomach ache. Dean turned on the music blasting it and staring hard though the screen till they arrived at the lake. He parked in the mini car park climbing out and slamming the door hard as he leaned against the car door. Castiel followed him out slamming the door and circling around to stop in front of him.

"I don't you like being angry"

"I don't like me being angry"

"Are you angry at me?"

"No"

"Then why are you angry?"

"Because I want to be"

"Then can you stop being angry or I'll drown you" he said with innocent eyes.

Dean stared into them before huffing with laughter and pressing two fingers to rub between his eyebrows. Castiel looked down when Dean's hand wrapped around his wrist tugging him with him as they found a spot overlooking the lake. The sun was still more than high in the sky, the grass dry and soft underneath them as they lay down together and it was still nice and warm. Dean's eyes were closed till a shadow fell over and he looked up at Castiel peering at him.

"How are you feeling now?"

"I'm alright"

"No longer angry"

"I'm alright, Cas, now move" he said pushing him gently back. Castiel sighed lying back down closer to him now and looked at the clouds in the sky.

"Dean"

"What"

"It'll be nearly a year next month since we met" he said looking over to him. "When you talked to me like I was dirt on your shoe or an irksome bug…and then I took you home because you were drunk and dirty"

"I took you for bad coffee and look what I'm stuck with a year later" he said and chuckled when Castiel flicked him in the forehead hard. "I have a best friend, Cas, someone who I can sleep next to in a bed without it being weird, someone who listens, understands, and I have you, and you have me"

Castiel blinked startled at the sudden but sweet confession, he was never this personal.

"Yes" he said with a nod. "I have you"

"Now shut up" Dean murmured reclosing his eyes and sighing as he basked in the warmth of the sun setting slowly. Castiel hummed lying back down and looking at the side of his face biting in his lip and moving his head to lean it against his. They stayed like that for a long time will the sun set down over the hills casting the sky orange and pink, a cold in the air, and Dean shivered looking over to Castiel who met his eyes.

"We should be getting back"

"Yes"

"I don't want to move though" Dean murmured closing his eyes and sighing when Castiel nodded in agreement closing his eyes.

"It's getting cold though; let's go get that hot chocolate in Gabriel's place" he murmured opening his eyes to look at him. Dean exhaled with a nod shifting up and groaning as he cracked out his back feeling his muscles and bones pop and shift into place.

"Come on then" he said struggling up as they walked the distance to the car driving back. They arrived walking in and noticed Gabriel leaning against the counter staring at his phone with a frown. Dean coughed interrupting him and smirked when he jumped out of his skin to scowl at the two of them.

"Hot chocolate, Gabe" Castiel said and smiled when Dean pushed him forward gently so they could sit down. Gabriel looked between them and swallowed looking down at his phone to see the typed out message to Sam and waited a beat before sending it and flipping the phone around like a teenage girl sending a risky message. He set about making their hot chocolates and glanced over to see Dean frowning as he attempted to fix Castiel's hair. He sighed shaking his head before bringing them over and placing them down.

"So…what were you two doing then?"

"Sunbathing" Castiel said looking up at him. "How has your day been, Gabriel?"

"Boring and tedious" he said rubbing his forehead. "So you two were sunbathing…together…on a hill"

"Yeah" Dean said raising an eyebrow.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "You two…seriously"

"What?" Castiel said frowning in confusion.

"Nothing, enjoy" he said with a roll of his eyes walking away and hoping one day he could bang their heads together. It had been nearly a year since the two of them met and it was getting frustrating now. He pulled his phone flipping it over and pressing a button to light up the screen and swallowed hard seeing no messages. Gabriel closed his eyes with a sigh pushing it away. It had been nearly a month now since he had a proper conversation with him and it was killing him slowly inside. The ache wouldn't fade and he dropped his elbows on the side wanting to curl up in a little ball, it was pathetic and he shouldn't be thinking of the sixteen year old like that. It was wrong, disgusting, but he missed him. He missed the funny little tales, the texts of good morning and good night, the casual check-ups, and now since Karl there was nothing.

Gabriel checked his phone once again to see one new message feeling his heart lift up in pure hope to open it and see it was from Karl wondering where he was and could they hook up tonight. He swallowed deleting it and tossing the phone down with a long sigh. It was bad enough he had to deal with Dean and Castiel in front of him who were perfect in every way possible for each other and just didn't see it, not now at least.

"I hate a date tomorrow" Dean murmured licking at his fingers.

"Oh"

"Her name is Ava, she's a little weird but cute" he said with a shrug. Castiel blinked shaking his head and sipping his drink.

"I have nothing to do tomorrow"

"You should go out, go see what Chuck is doing"

"I may" he said with a thoughtful expression. "I hate going out without you though; you always know how to calm me down when I let loose as you call it"

"You're a big boy, Cas, I'm sure you'll be okay" he said with a chuckle. "Just get out and have fun for once, we're only young once"

Castiel nodded and hissed feeling a sudden sharp pain near around his belly button. Dean looked at him in concern when he winced in pain.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh, yes, yes, it's just a stomach ache" he said with a tight smile. "I'll be fine"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Dean"

Dean eyed him in concern but nodded accepting the answer as he continued to drink his hot chocolate till it was gone.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean had knew something was wrong that night when he returned to Castiel's deciding to stay with him and didn't like the paleness in Castiel, the urge to lie down and not move for a long time, avoiding dinner and wanting Dean to stay close to him.

The panic was real and terrifying when he woke up at 2.30am, bleary eyed, confused and frightened. Dean's eyes went down to Castiel shaking, shivering, and moving to gasp in agony before struggling over to his bin to vomit.

"Cas" Dean whispered struggling out and pressing a hand to his forehead pulling away at the hotness radiating from him. He watched as an arm wrapped around his middle clutching at it as he vomited violently into the waste basket. Dean flicked on the light moving over to him and pausing in horror at the faint blood on his lip.

"S-Shit" Dean whispered jumping up and opening the door to bang on the door of Karen's door till that opened and so did all the others.

"It's Cas!" he said urgently moving when she darted forward into his bedroom and dropping next to him and looking over him in shock. Gabriel rushed to the door also in a wild panic.

"Gabriel, call an ambulance, now!" she shouted over to him. "Sweetheart, tell me what's wrong"

"Hurts" he said with a whimper touching his lower belly area. "Hurt for a while mom, it hurts"

"Shush, it's okay, it's going to be okay" she said holding him close while Gabriel shouted down the phone. Dean came over dropping down next to him.

"It's appendicitis isn't it?" he said breathless looking at Castiel who shivered looking away.

"I think…I think it's his appendix but I could be wrong, I don't know" she said and looked over to Gabriel who was now taking away Anna who had woken up.

Castiel moaned closing his eyes when Dean pressed his fingers over his pulse feeling it flutter fast and erratic underneath his fingers. His other hand pressed against his stomach and he removed it quickly when Castiel let out a sobbed gasp at the tenderness. Dean swallowed hard and struggled back when Karen scooped him up in her arms despite his weight. The woman was superwoman in a panic and he could only follow after her when she took him downstairs. It felt like no time at all when the ambulance came taking away Castiel and Karen while Dean would drive himself, Gabriel and Anna to the hospital.

Dean felt sick. It was frustrating listening to Gabriel rant and attempt to calm Anna who was sniffling and whispering. He was training to be a nurse and he knew that people died from, people who left it untreated or died in surgery because of no blood flow, the infection worsening and he closed his eyes for a moment wondering how he didn't see it, how didn't he see it.

"How did you not know!?" Gabriel said to Dean angrily.

"He didn't say anything!" Dean shouted back at him. "You're his brother, Gabriel"

"I've hardly seen him!"

Dean huffed turning sharply left into the hospital. It was a blur for Dean who was still exhausted from sleep as they met with Karen in the waiting room who told them Castiel had been rushed away for testing and hopefully surgery because it was appendicitis. Dean sat in the seat twisting his hands and bringing his phone out walking out and dialling Sam's number despite the late hour.

"Dean" a muffled tired voice said.

"Sam, hey, I'm sorry for waking you"

"Dean, what's wrong? What's happened?" he said with a hard swallow sitting up and staring at the time. "Are you drunk?"

"No, no, no, um, Cas is in hospital…he has appendicitis and they've rushed him in for tests and I'm hoping for surgery" he said peering up at the sky. "People die from this, Sam; if they don't treat it soon enough or it goes haywire"

"Oh my god" Sam whispered sitting up and pushing off the cover. "Do you want me to…?"

"No, no, you stay there…I just, if I don't come home it's because I'm here and I'm not leaving him, not yet"

"Dean, I can come down if you want me to"

"No you'll worry mom and she's doing great lately, just…stay by the phone"

"Okay"

"I'll call you later"

"He'll be okay, Dean"

"Yeah…I hope so"

Dean hung up and breathed out feeling shaky as he dropped down to sit on the curb, head in his hands, and simply breathing and for the first time in a long time, praying. It felt weeks before a doctor came in to inform that it was appendicitis, it hadn't ruptured, and he had been in surgery and was now in recovery. The relief was palpable around as Karen cradled a sleeping Anna begging to see him which they could for a moment because he was still under. Dean stared at him sleeping in the bed, still peaky, but very much alive. He breathed out shakily moving over and cast his eyes down him.

"Is he definitely okay?"

"Yes" the doctor said with a nod. "He should heal quickly, a few days' rest, and hopefully no more infection"

"Good, good" Dean murmured looking at Gabriel who met his eyes and looked away.

"I need to take her back" Karen murmured. "You, you call me if he wakes up, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll call you" Dean said when Karen ordered Gabriel to drive them home and then come straight back. He was left alone with Castiel sleeping away the drugs and he sighed pressing his forehead to the hospital bed for a long time. His eyes shut on their own accord and he drifted off into an uneasy sleep till he felt a hand into his hair tugging. Dean woke with a gasp looking at Castiel staring at him bemused.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Sore and missing a body part" he said peering down at his side. "Have you been here all night?"

"Yeah, um, yeah, I must have…fallen asleep" he said looking towards the window to see the morning. "Has Gabriel been?"

"Yes, he came by before but I didn't want to wake you and the nurses wanted to get out but I threatened their lives if they disturbed you" he said resting in the pillows. "Thank you for staying with me"

"Why didn't you tell me, Cas, I'm training to be a bloody nurse!"

"I thought it was nothing"

"You could have died, Cas, people can die from this and I had to watch you…like that" he said and moved up cupping the side of his neck and pressing his forehead against his. "You ever do something like this and not tell me what's going on next time… I'll kill you myself"

"I'm sorry"

"You scared the shit out of me"

"I'm sorry"

"Just…get better, alright? Stop keeping things from me and just…get better, I hate seeing you like this" he said with a sigh pulling back. "I need coffee, don't die when I leave"

Castiel smiled faintly watching him leave and settled back in the pillow in relief.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**September 2014**_

Dean gripped his hand tugging him off the table as he kissed him pushing him down the corridor of their apartment heading towards Castiel's bedroom.

"Dean" he breathed clinging to him and gasping with breathy laughter when he kissed the spot under his ear he discovered some time ago. Castiel spun them pinning him to the bed as they shred clothing not messing around as they kissed desperately needing skin to skin contact. Dean moaned clinging to his back and removing his mouth to shimmer down and kiss down his chest, kissing over the scars on his chest, the scar from surgery, the scar from the glass he fell on, and the bruises because he was a clumsy idiot. Castiel gasped eyes closing in pleasure and pressed kisses down the side of his face encouraging him on as he shifted over opening the drawer and opening the lube.

"Tell me you want this…" Castiel breathed kissing him hard and pulling away to stare into his eyes.

"I want this, I want you, and I love you" Dean said urgently pulling him closer as he was pressed into the mattress. "It'll be different this time, I promise, Cas, it'll be different…"

"I know, Dean, I know" he whispered kissing him and licking into his mouth. "Spread your legs for me"

Dean obeyed spreading them wide and moaning in relief when familiar fingers entered him scissoring him wide open because this time it would be different.

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews!**


	6. Chapter 6

_**December 2005**_

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Is it hurting?"

"Damn it, Cas, you just winced in pain! What is it? Tell me"

"Are you okay? Tell me if it hurts, it could be infected, you're so stupid! Who falls on glass?!"

"Cas, are you okay?"

"Dean!" Castiel cried at Dean when he questioned him once again. "I'm fine, I slipped and fell on broken glass, I cut my chest, yes, but it's okay, the doctor said I was doing okay, and I would only have a few scars"

Dean huffed rolling his eyes. "It's one thing after the other with you! It was only in October when you banged that head and was knocked out for _five _hours with concussion. You, Castiel, are going to drive me crazy"

Jo watched in amusement glancing between them as they argued.

"_You, _Dean,are driving me crazy with your insistence of worry and questions, Dean, I'm fine" Castiel said and closed his eyes when Dean pressed his forehead against his. It had slowly turned into their "thing" it was intimate, yes, but it didn't mean anything. Jo glanced over to Chuck pointedly ignoring them as he typed into his phone and sighed pushing her fingers into her forehead.

"Whatever, I'm going to class" Dean murmured moving away and leaving the three of them be as he went to lesson. Jo cleared her throat waving her fingers at Castiel who turned to look at her, head cocked, and confused.

"So…are you two now together or…?" she said folding her arms across her chest.

"What? No, why would you assume that?"

"You two aren't fucking each other senseless?" she said and smirked when Chuck's head shot up clearly hearing half the conversation and Castiel blushed urgently shaking his head.

"No, no, we-we're not together, Jo, he's my best friend and I'm gay, he's straight"

"So? Dean is straight, I'll give you that, but he does love you, he does, and there's…there's something there"

"You're wrong. We're just friends, Jo"

Jo laughed shaking her head and moved forward placing two hands on his shoulders. "Okay, ever since he met you a year and a half ago now he was never like this, never, and since the whole appendicitis and now this glass incident…he's like a clucking mother hen. There's friendship like mine and Chuck's here with the occasional hug, hanging out, and then is yours with Dean, which is…it's hard to explain because you two share a bed, you're always together, you fuss over each other like a relationship and I just…am I going mad or…?"

"We're just very close"

"No, there's close and then there's you and Dean" she said taking her hands away. "Shame to be honest because you're seriously cute together"

"He doesn't feel for me that way"

"But you do?"

Castiel swallowed shaking his head. "No"

"Really? Are you sure about that?"

"Yes, he's just a friend; he's always been my friend"

"Okay, whatever you say"

Castiel frowned leaving them as he left heading towards the art department. He dropped in his seat with a sigh rubbing at his stomach and chest. He felt fine, he was healing, and it was Christmas in a few weeks' time. His eyes went to the window to see the icy rain hit it and sighed wondering if it would snow this year.

Dean pulled out his phone to see one new message from Sam that he would be in drama club tonight. He had recently joined and since his friendship with Gabriel was no better that it was in August, Dean was pleased. Gabriel's relationship with Karl ended in November from difference of choice, feelings, and too many arguments. Gabriel had days later desperately tried to reconnect that old friendship but Sam was having none of it, he ignored him for days, weeks, till only recently a miserable Gabriel according to Castiel had stopped trying. Castiel knew Gabriel missed him and could only watch with a small sad frown while Gabriel wallowed staring at his silent phone and leaving the house only to return reeking of smoke, alcohol, and sex from men and women alike.

"_**Fine but I'm not picking you up"**_

He sent the text rubbing his forehead and staring down at his work. All of them had only this year or one more year left in college before plans for university or getting jobs was put into motion. Dean knew he wanted to go to university and Castiel would join him obviously but the thought of leaving his mom and Sam behind when she was so ill and Sam just couldn't handle her was stopping him. He knew he could go here but a small part of him wanted to escape, go to another city, meet new people and even form a relationship. There was no time in college what with studies and the fact a girlfriend was terrifying. Dean hummed pulling his phone towards him wanting to leave and text Castiel.

"_**Let's get out of here, bunk, go somewhere less boring" **_

"_**No"**_

"_**Please?"**_

"_**Dean, we can't skip…"**_

"_**YES WE CAN"**_

"_**NO"**_

"_**You're so boring Cas"**_

"_**There is no need in being mean, Dean; we can go bowling later if you want? I know you're "secretly" hinting at us going"**_

"_**Fine, asshat"**_

"_**Shut up and do your work"**_

Dean huffed shoving his phone away feeling a smile tease his lips as he flipped open the book wanting to get as much work as he could done. He thought to Mary and felt his heart tighten. Mary was not getting any better, she was getting worse, she was forgetting her tablets, hiding them, and forgetting who Dean and Sam were, claiming John was out to get her or still alive. But Dean would not report her or send away. She was his problem, his mom, and he would take care of her. It was Christmas soon and they would all be okay.

College ended quickly after that and Dean sighed happily leaving the doors and smirking when Castiel joined his side. There was a chill in the winter air and he shivered pulling on his gloves as they wandered across the car park towards the car.

"How was art?"

"It was interesting, I have my next project"

"How uninteresting" Dean murmured starting her up and driving her out. "Bring on Christmas holidays"

"Christmas should be a good one" Castiel said in agreement. "Mom has been buying me horror books, I saw the recipt"

"Naughty and great…more sobbing down the phone"

"That was one time, Dean, and it was a nightmare…a nightmare were I had to watch you die" he snapped looking over to Dean who flashed him a guilty look.

"I know, sorry, but maybe that should be a lesson that you shouldn't be reading them! They freak you out, Cas, give you nightmares"

"They are an excellent read!"

Dean rolled his eyes turning up the heaters. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, Dean, I'm not in any pain"

"Are you sure? I don't want another appendicitis episode, Cas, so help me" he said with warning in his tone. "I can't handle you being ill on me"

"Dean, I'm _fine_" he said with a long drawn out sigh. "I didn't know I had that then and I fell on glass which was cleaned, sewn up and I'm practically healed"

"Fine" Dean said with a huff. "Can I come yours?"

"Don't you want to see your mom?"

"Yeah, I do but not now, can we just do something"

So that was how they ended up lying on the bed together watching a film. Dean sighed softly turning and closing his eyes wanting to sleep.

"Dean" Castiel murmured poking his stomach. "No falling asleep, again, you need to go see your mom"

"It's nice here" Dean muttered burying his head into the pillow. "Let me stay"

"You can stay at the weekend"

"Now"

"Dean…" he said turning to face him and sighing rolling his eyes when to the ceiling when Dean ignored him pushing his face into the pillow wanting to sleep. "You never listen to me"

"I always listen to you but now…you're a pain in the ass so shut up" Dean murmured shoving a hand into his face. Castiel moaned annoyed shoving his hand away.

"What about Sam?"

"Drama club, why are you chucking me out. Do you have a boy coming around?"

"No"

"Then shut up"

"You're ridiculous sometimes" Castiel murmured turning on his stomach and closing his eyes feeling like a nap himself. The warmth radiating from Dean was nice as they lay together drifting off to sleep and hours later he found himself pressed close to Dean who was breathing deeply against his forehead. Castiel moaned rolling over and looking at the luminous light of his alarm clock, 6.45pm, and sighed rubbing a hand over his eyes. They had slept for a four hours without disturbance.

"Dean, wake up" he said shoving his shoulder.

"Mmm...no, fuck off" he mumbled turning away.

"Dean!"

"Shut up, Cas!" he moaned burying his head under the pillow. "You know better than to wake me up, you dick"

"You're always moaning, get up!" he said shoving him till he groaned rising up shooting him a hard glare.

"Ass" Dean muttered sitting up and flexing his muscles and rubbing his eyes. Castiel watched with a small smile not being able to deny the adorable action. He huffed out narrowing his eyes at Castiel who shrugged pulling his laptop towards him.

"Nap time is over, go see mommy"

"You're not funny"

"Goodbye, Dean"

"My own best friend chucking me out, you're heartless" Dean murmured covering his eyes in fake despair but pushed up shoving his head gently in goodbye walking out and going home. Castiel rolled his eyes leaving him to it and looking up when Gabriel knocked on his door.

"Gabriel"

"Hey kiddo" he said walking in and looking around. "Dean just left then"

"Yes, he napped and left" he said with a shake of his head. "I think I am being used for my bed"

"For a year and how many months" Gabriel said with a snort. "You're not being used"

"Is Sam speaking to you?"

Gabriel swallowed shaking his head. "Not surprised, he doesn't deserve me, he's sixteen, and he's only young…I just miss him I guess"

Castiel looked over to him brushing his finger over the DVD's collecting the dust and wiping it on his jeans.

"I can talk to him…if you want, he was just hurt, Gabe, and it's been months…Dean had mentioned that Sam's been down lately with studies, their mom getting increasingly ill from stress, grief, and not dealing well" Castiel said closing the lid down. "I can talk to him; get him to just start talking to you again"

"No, don't interfere, he doesn't want to talk to me" he said with a snort. "Is he…is he okay though?"

"He's doing okay, physically"

"That's good, good, right…" he said fidgeting and moving out of the bedroom. Castiel sighed rubbing his forehead till he heard the door open again and a blur of red hit him.

"Play dolls with me?" Anna said looking up at him with big eyes.

"Okay" he said with a smile grabbing her hand and walking with her till they arrived in her bedroom and they played till Karen came in chucking him out so she could go to bed.

Dean arrived home feeling lethargic from sleep and walked in peering around. Sam wasn't home yet it seemed and he sighed dropping his jacket and bag down walking in and stopping at the sight of the destroyed living room and Mary sitting in the middle clutching a bloody arm, blood had drenched her arm, and she was visibly shaking.

"Mom" he said rushing forward looking at the cuts on her arm.

"I…" she said looking up at him and not finishing as Dean helped her up helping her into the kitchen wrapping a towel around her arm.

"They're not too deep" he murmured looking at her looking away from him, distant, uncaring, and standing still as he dragged out the medical kit attending to the wounds as he cleaned them up and bandaged them.

"Mom, what happened?" he hissed looking into the living room and knew he would have to clean it before Sam got back.

"Demons were after me" she whispered clinging to him. "They're going to kill me"

"What? Mom, no, okay, it's okay…have you took your tablets?"

"No"

"Mom, where are they?"

"The cat ate them"

"Mom, where are they?" he said desperately.

"In the cupboard" she whispered looking over to him and watching when he moved away opening the cupboard fetching them and shoving them in front of her.

"Take them now"

Mary nodded popping two in her mouth and swallowing them down with the water Dean got for her.

"Stay there, I need to clean this before Sam comes home" he muttered with a swallow moving to clean the living room quickly dropping down to pick up the photo of the four of them before all this happened. Dean was much younger and Sam practically a baby when it was all happiness, family and love. Dean's eyes wandered around the room taking it in and seeing the devastation around him. Their little family was slowly ripping apart at the seams, he was struggling, really struggling, and with Mary on and off like a switch.

He cleaned up the best he could and stopped breathless when Sam came in tucking away his headphones and staring at him.

"What…what's happened?

"Nothing…just mom not taking her tablets, it's fine, how was drama club?"

"The play should be okay" he said with narrowed eyes looking around and at Mary staring out of the window.

"Why is…is she hurt?!" Sam said rushing over and kneeling down in front of her. "Mom, mom, it's me"

Mary's eyes focused on him for a long moment before she sighed standing up and moving away to walk upstairs. Sam bit into his lip feeling tears behind his eyes and looked at Dean who brushed his hands down his jeans.

"You need to stop keeping things from me"

"What do you want me to tell you? Oh yeah, mom, she, um, she freaked out because she thought demons were out to kill her! She destroyed the living room, sliced her arm, and now…she doesn't want to take her tablets till I'm forcing them on her!" he shouted turning away. "I can't…we can't lose her, Sam, she's all we have"

"She's sick, Dean, sick, and we can't do this anymore…we need help"

"No"

"Dean"

"No, Sam! They'll take her away…"

"No they won't! She can get help, real help, the help she needs since dad has died" Sam said with watery eyes. "It's Christmas in a few weeks and she's not well enough to deal with it"

"No, Sam, she's our mom, our responsibility and as long as those pills from the doctor are going down her throat then she'll be okay, she's okay after them"

"For how long?!" Sam shouted after Dean who walked into the kitchen. "How long Dean before you realise that she is never…ever going to get better, she's got Alzheimer's, her memory is going, fading, and I don't want to wake up one day and not exist to her"

Dean closed his eyes, hands clenching the sides, and he looked over his shoulder. "No"

Sam shook his head at him huffing out a harsh breath storming away and out of the house. Dean stared down at the side wanting to curl up and sleep forever, he wouldn't mind not waking up for another couple of months. He looked at the pile of dishes, forgotten, and moved off filling it up and distracted himself for just a moment to forget. It was good sometimes to forget.

_**~0~0~0~0~ **_

Christmas this time around was not as eventual as Mary had forgotten all about Christmas so it was up to Dean and Sam to celebrate on their own exchanging presents, fixing a meal which was a disaster and equally hilarious for the pair of them as they snorted with laughter eating the burnt pieces of food. Dean's present from Castiel brightened him up as he stared at the Ipod with a mixture of surprise and delight crushing him to him in a hug. It was the best part of his Christmas spending it with his brother and best friend. It was a good day and it ended amazing when Mary came into his bedroom in the night bending down and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"Goodnight, Dean" she whispered before leaving him. It left Dean staring at the closed door bemused and happy but it was also odd. Dean drifted off feeling happier than he had in days till December 27th 2005. This was the day everything would change.

December 27th was any day. There was a vicious chill and that smell in the air of more snow approaching soon. Dean was busy in his room updating his new Ipod and Sam was out with friends Brady and Jessica practising for the play next year. 2006. Dean felt like the year had flown by and it scared him a little that he was twenty one next year. He shuddered leaving his Ipod and straightened narrowing his eyes not hearing his mom and wondered where she could be. She went for a bath more than an hour ago and he simply nodded when she came in to tell him she was having a bath, he didn't bother looking back; he was too distracted with downloading the albums of Metallica.

"Mom" he called knocking on the door and trying the handle. "Mom, is everything okay?"

His hand tried the knob and he sighed rattling the doorknob anxious when it opened and he swallowed hard stumbling back. Mary stared at him completely drenched and confused.

"I told you not to disturb me!" she shouted at him.

"You…you didn't mom, you told me you were having a bath" he said with a hard swallow. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes" she said with a nod, hand tightening around her dressing gown. "I'm going for a lie down"

"Okay" he said watching her walk away and slip into the bedroom closing the door. He rubbed the space between his eyes walking downstairs needing coffee, coffee, more coffee and a little bit of pie. He sipped the first cup when he heard a scream from upstairs; Dean didn't hesitate as he rushed upstairs towards the room feeling sick. He crashed in to see Mary cowing against the wall screaming.

"Demons! Demons are coming for me!" she screamed pointing at him. "Demon!"

"Mom, calm down!" he shouted attempting to restrain her when she flew at him beating and clawing at him. "It's me, it's Dean!"

"We have to go, we have to run!" she shouted at him with wide eyes running away and out the bedroom door in nothing but a dressing gown.

"Mom, no!" he shouted running after her as she took off ripping open the front door and running out into the snow and ice. The snow and ice in bitter cold was dangerous and in bare feet and nothing more was horrendous. Dean could only watch as he reached the door and watched the not fast or slow motion of her slipping on ice while running falling straight forward and smashing her skull on the ground.

Dean was frozen. His insides were frozen, his skin, and all he could hear was his own breath and heart hammering.

"Mom!" he shouted running towards her and scrambling for his phone to call the ambulance. People were gathering around him as he shouted into his phone for an ambulance, strangers attempting to drag him away from her, the blood, the lifeless eyes, and he struggled away from them. It was a nightmare. It had to be a nightmare but the numbness in his knees, hands, and cheeks were telling him different, the thunder of his heart and the sick feeling to his stomach as he turned away throwing up into the snow.

"Sam…" he murmured and could only breathe harshly when he heard the scream of ambulance roaring up the street. It was nothing but a messy, bloody, and terrifying blur when the ambulance men and women worked on her putting her on a stretcher. Dean was numb leaning into the arms of a next door neighbour soothing him with arm strokes.

"Dean?!" a voice said and he turned quickly towards the familiar voice and into Sam's scared eyes. Dean didn't think twice bringing him into his arms clinging to him and hearing Sam's rushed heartbeat or was it his own?

"Dean…Dean…what's going on? Where's mom?" Sam whispered pulling back gripping his jacket.

"Mom freaked, she…she said demons were after her…she ran out…she…she slipped, Sam, I couldn't stop her" Dean said looking back at the ambulance. "Come on. Sam, come on!"

They were helped into the ambulance with the paramedic's frantically working on her. He looked over to Sam feeling exhausted and could only tuck him close resting his chin on top of his head as Sam stared wordlessly, eyes wide, and clinging to Dean.

It was 1.47pm in the afternoon of the 27th December 2005 when the doctor confirmed to Dean and Sam in the waiting room that she had died.

"No" Dean whispered over and over again shaking his head. "No, she…she can't be…she can't be!"

"Dean" Sam whispered walking over and restraining him when he struggled. "Dean, stop it, please!"

"No!" Dean shouted clinging to Sam who held him tight not letting him go as Dean broken down into his shoulder. The doctor left them in silence closing the door with strict instructions to others not to go in, not now. Dean didn't know how long he was stood there as the morning events hit him like bullets and he clung to Sam not knowing what to do now. How could he move on from this? How could he take care of a house on no wage and a brother now completely dependent on him? It was the blow of all blows and what felt like the end was just the start of everything to come.

**A/N: Um. Can I say sorry now? *Shies away back under her cosy rock***


	7. Chapter 7

_**February 2006**_

Castiel swallowed hard as he pushed his own bedroom door open to see Dean lying down in his bed curled inwards staring at nothing. He inhaled softly letting it go and walked over pulling up the cover and sliding in to face him. Dean didn't say anything as he stared at him but simply swallowed looking down and away, a tear slid down his cheek, and his cheeks flushed pink like he was embarrassed. It had been two months since Mary's death. Castiel remembered very clearly the moment Dean had rang him at six pm with slight hysteria in his voice to tell him Mary had passed away. He didn't hesitate as he called for Gabriel who immediately went with him to the hospital. Castiel had stood in front of Dean who practically collapsed into his arms clinging to him babbling nonsense. He soothed him holding him close feeling own tears prickle in his eyes at Dean's pain and despair affecting him, his eyes wandered over to Gabriel holding Sam in the same position whispering in his ear. Karen took them in, fussing and crying herself over the sudden and hideous loss of their mother, and refused to let them go back home.

Dean and Sam had been there since December 27th, moving some of their stuff in from the house and staying there till arrangements could be made. Dean staying with Castiel and Sam with Gabriel under his insistence that he didn't need to stay with Anna.

The funeral took place two weeks after her death with Dean and Karen planning the whole ceremony, a small ceremony with friends and family members. It was the also the day Dean broke his promise to Castiel not to drink, he drank himself into an uncontrollable mess that ended up him crying and vomiting outside the church were Mary was till Castiel found him and took him back home to sober up. It didn't stop Dean the next day to do it again and again till he was sick for three days straight from the alcohol in his system. It had stopped it for now but there were always signs.

"Have you eaten today?" Castiel whispered reaching out and catching the tear.

"No"

"You need to…"

"I don't want to…..where's Sam?"

"He's with Gabriel, he's okay" Castiel said in reassurance.

While Dean was struggling, really struggling with the loss of their mother, Sam was dealing with it a little better with the help of Gabriel who refused to leave him for long periods. The crack in their friendship was for now healed with Sam letting Gabriel in because he needed him, he needed that distraction and comfort Dean wasn't ready to give just yet.

"I haven't seen him all day, how was college?"

"It was okay, I have your work and notes from Carol…she sends her wishes" he murmured holding still when Dean pressed closer needing comfort. "You need to eat, Dean, you don't want to start losing more weight…what do you want?"

"Pie" he mumbled with a sigh.

"Apple"

"Yeah"

"Stay there" Castiel whispered pulling away from him and heading downstairs. Karen looked up giving him a small sad smile when he went to the fridge pulling out the pie.

"How is he?"

"Depressed"

"Maybe we should get some he…" she said and stopped by the look Castiel flashed at her.

"No mom, he'll hate me, he's depressed and I'll make him better"

"Darling…"

Castiel sighed grabbing a soda as well and slammed it shut. "He's my best friend, he's…Dean, and I'm the one who will make him better…he needs me, not a doctor who will stuff him full of pills or words he doesn't need right now to deal with loss. It's my job"

Karen kept her silence watching him walk back up the stairs and shook her head at him.

"When are you going to realise?" she muttered with a roll of her eyes at how silly the pair of them were.

Castiel walked into see Dean sitting up in the bed waiting for his pie, hands reaching out in invitation when he sat down next to him. Dean hummed eating it slowly and enjoying it while Castiel brought his book to him opening it up and starting to read.

"Boring you already?"

"No, you're eating and I am in a very interesting part"

"Great…more nightmares"

"Well it's better than your constant wriggling" Castiel muttered with a roll of his eyes.

"Your bed is _awful, _I think we need to get a new one" Dean murmured and blinked at his words glancing at Castiel who hadn't noticed too intrigued by his horror book.

Dean sighed swallowing the last part down and downing his soda feeling tired and a little sick now from pie. He shifted lying back down and turning pressing his forehead against his hip closing his eyes. The sound of Castiel reading and turning the pages every so often was soothing as he breathed in and out evenly slipping in and out of an uneasy sleep. The itch to get up and have a drink was niggling away in the back of his mind as he opened his sore eyes looking at Castiel now lying on his front with the book on his pillow, his brow furrowed in confusion and awe over the book, and his mind elsewhere. Dean bit into his lip knowing Castiel wasn't about to let him out of his sight and all the alcohol in the house was hidden or thrown away, his money and bankcard with Castiel, and there was no way he could get any.

"What's wrong?" Castiel said making him twitch startled.

"I want…" he said trailing off and meeting Castiel's eyes when they turned to look at him. "I need a drink"

"You have a drink"

"Not that…" he said with a hard swallow when his eyes narrowed turning back to the book.

"No, Dean, I don't really fancy cleaning up your sick and tears tonight"

"It's a drink"

"Which will turn into twenty more and…no, Dean, you promised me"

"My mom has just died!" he hissed up at him. "I want to forget"

"No" he said sternly wanting to have the last word. "Try and sleep, Dean"

Dean sighed pressing his face into the cushion for once doing as he was told needing the sleep and stayed like that till the pressure between his eyes slipped away as he did. He woke up feeling more tired than he was before, his arm dead underneath him, his hair ruffled and his eyes wandering over to Castiel still lying next to him watching TV.

"You've been asleep for six hours"

"What?" he breathed looking at the nightstand. "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You need sleep" he said glancing over to him. "You look a little better"

"I don't feel it" he murmured dryly flexing his dead arm with a wince. "Where's Sam?"

"Gabriel's room" he said watching Dean push up and go see him.

Dean walked along to the bedroom knocking on the door and waiting till Gabriel opened it giving him a nod and a smile. Sam looked up from the laptop with a question in his eyes and a frown pushing off the bed when he noticed Dean.

"Are you okay? Is…you haven't been drinking have you?" Sam said moving past Gabriel who stepped back wondering back to his seat on the bed.

"No and I'm fine, are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, um, Gabriel's helping me with…Stanford stuff"

Dean nodded swallowing down the bile he could feel rising slowly within him. "Stanford"

"Yeah what with the money mom and dad left us and…you can go to! You need to become a nurse, Dean; you need to achieve that dream…like mom wanted you to"

Dean narrowed his eyes looking away from him. "Not anymore"

"Dean…"

"No, Sam, we can't afford both of us and you…you need it more than me"

"Dean, this is your dream!"

"Yours is to become a lawyer and I'm going to make sure you become one, Sam" he shouted back at him. Dean hated the look reflecting back at him from Sam's eyes and he turned away running down the stairs and out of the front door. Castiel came running back looking frantically at Sam who was running a hand into his hair.

"Where did he go?"

"He just ran out" Sam murmured with a sigh. "Should I…?"

"No, you stay here, I'll find him" Castiel said hurrying down the stairs and out of the door. He looked around the night for any sign of Dean, looking at the still parked Impala and worried at his bottom lip for a moment wondering where he could go and chose all the usual spots. Castiel tried the park, the local 24 hour store, and anywhere he could fit of when it hit him. He closed his eyes heading for the church bringing out his torch so he could see and was more than thankful at the fact it wasn't raining right now. It couldn't get worse.

Dean was sat in front of the grave trailing his fingers over the new grave of his mom and dad. They had been laid together and the grave stone new to represent the both of them. He hummed knocking back the stolen vodka bottle enjoying the slow harsh burn till he felt a presence behind him and turned peering up at Castiel shining a torch at him.

"If it's not drinking, it's stealing" Castiel said dropping down on his knees next to him taking it away and ignoring the whine of protest escaping Dean, he rolled it away from them.

Dean scowled leaning forward to press his hands against the grave. "I hate her, I fucking hate her…I hate them both! I _hate _her, how could she leave us? She's our mom and she's gone…my mom"

Castiel moved forward catching his fist when he went to push it and forced him into the grass when he fought back and adjusted their positions so Dean was lying in the grass with Castiel sitting on his thighs.

"Stop, Dean, stop it!"

"I hate her! I hate him! I hate you! I hate everything" he said with a sob shouting up at the sky. "I hate…I want her back, I want my mom"

"Dean…" Castiel whispered when he cried in harshly thumping his head back feeling the pain in his chest spread. "Come here, Dean, come on"

Dean let himself be hauled to sit up and sobbed softly into Castiel's chest when arms wrapped around him rocking him gently.

"I keep seeing it, I keep seeing her eyes…she's in my dreams, I can't escape it…I want her back, I want my mom" he whispered burying his face into his coat like he wanted to hide. Castiel swallowed resting his cheek again his temple wanting to hide him and hold him forever; he wanted to take away this pain.

"It's going to get better, okay, I'm going to make you better, I'm going to take care of my best friend, my Dean, and I'm not leaving you…I promise, this will be okay, it'll take time, time is a good healer and you're going to be okay" Castiel said running his hands into the back of his hair listening to Dean snuffle and cry into his chest too drunk to stop or do anything right now.

"You're going to take care of me?"

"Yes"

Dean closed his eyes pressing harder into his chest till Castiel grunted at the pressure. He didn't know how long they were together sat in the graveyard till Dean was breathing heavily and sleepily against him.

"Come on, Dean, no, no sleeping, come on" he urged hauling Dean up so he moaned stumbling and clinging to Castiel's hand as he helped him walk back to the house. Dean stumbling and mumbling confused to Castiel who shushed him softly.

Sam came to the door when they arrived back and sighed shaking his head when Dean walked in with a wide drunk smile at Sam.

"He-hey, Sammy, what-what you doing up?"

"I'm going to bed" he said with a sigh walking upstairs.

"He hates me" Dean said as they walked upstairs. Castiel rolled his eyes pushing him into the bedroom and helping him change into his pyjama pants. Dean grunted when Castiel shoved him down into the bed wrapping the duvet around him and switching off the light before climbing in next to him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Dean muttered looking over to him. "Don't leave, please…"

"I'm never going to leave you" he whispered over to him watching Dean nod looking tearful. "Sleep, Dean, you'll feel a little better in the morning despite the hangover"

"Okay" he murmured closing his eyes while Castiel watched over with a sad sigh hoping he could help him, he wouldn't let him fall.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Sam was staring up at the ceiling, arms folded across his chest and sighing when he glanced up at Gabriel. For months they had been topping and tailing in his bed because it was "right" and "proper" and the age difference. He sighed feeling tears prick at his eyes and he cursed his own stupidity.

"Sam" Gabriel whispered looking down at him. "Are you okay?"

"Dean's drunk, again, and I hate watching this happen again! It happened with dad and now mom…I can't watch him fall apart" he whispered and turned away from Gabriel who moved over wrapping a hand around his wrist.

"Sam, it's going to be okay"

"It's not! Dean hasn't gone back to college since mom died, he's drinking and I know Cas is trying I know he is but I don't think it's enough" Sam hissed up at him. "I'm an orphan and I'm sixteen years old…sixteen, Gabe, my mom was too young, she was sick yeah but she was too young"

Gabriel swallowed grabbing his cushion and placing it next to Sam's as they faced each other in the dark of the bedroom.

"All Dean needs right now is you and Cas, Cas will fix him, he'll take care of his stupid ass till he hates alcohol and that depression is nothing more than a memory. You can do this, Sam, you're strong, so strong, and I know Mary wouldn't want you to fall apart" Gabriel said reaching out hesitantly to brush away the lock of hair on his forehead. "If Dean is falling apart at the seams then you need to be the one who keeps on fighting, who keeps this head in the game as they would say, and I know because I'm going to keep it that way"

"I miss her"

"I know, I know, and I don't know what it's like to lose a parent…"

Sam swallowed hard with a nod. "It's like losing a part of yourself, it's imagining your life in the future and they're not there…they're never going to meet your boyfriend or girlfriend, see your baby, their grandchild, watch you grow, watch them grow, it's a hole that can never, ever, be filled because that's it's your mom or your dad. She was my mom and I'm never going to see her again. Everyone is going to lose their mom one day and I lose mine now, I lost mine and I'm still a kid…I'm sixteen, I should be hugging her or holding her because she needs comfort"

Gabriel shushed him bringing him close and tucking his head underneath his chin.

"It's okay"

"No it's not" Sam mumbled hands gripping his t-shirt and closing his eyes as he was held close for the first time in months. It was nice to just be held as they drifted off into an easier sleep.

Dean woke up pressed up against Castiel as per usual and he pulled away with a groan feeling a brass band erupt in his head. It hurt like hell but he was just thankful there was no awkward boner moment as he looked at Castiel breathing softly next to him. He looked over him relaxed in his sleep and never felt more grateful for him in his life.

He shrugged up climbing over Castiel who grunted frowning for a moment till he settled down again. Dean walked out and downstairs needing coffee and walked in to see Anna eating toast with Karen talking to her.

"Good morning, Dean"

Dean nodded not much of a morning person and he grabbed the coffee still hot.

"I heard the commotion last night…you need to stop this drinking"

"I know" he murmured walking over and sitting next to Anna who smiled waving a hand at him. Dean smirked at her as she continued to eat carefree.

"It upsets Cas, Sam, and me, I know what it feels like to lose a mother, I lost my mother when I was ten…she died from cancer" Karen said sipping her coffee. "It gets better, it does, it doesn't feel like it now but one day you're going to be sitting there and you'll feel happy"

"It feels like there's no such thing"

"You will and just do this for Castiel, stop the drinking and listen to him before he beats you and he will" she said with a knowing look.

"He can't, he's my best friend…he's not allowed" he said with a small smirk.

"Yes I am"

Dean looked up to see him walking in and pouring a cup of coffee for himself.

"I will not hesitate to beat sense into you" Castiel said looking over to him with a raised eyebrow. "How are you feeling?"

"Sick, sore, but a little better like you said"

"Good, I'm a miracle worker" he said with a small smile walking away and back upstairs.

Karen looked between them closing her eyes and sighing. "You two…"

"What?"

"Nothing, go get changed mister" she said with a flick of her fingers. "I will not have you lounging around in your pyjamas"

"Yes ma'am" he said with a small sigh getting up and walking upstairs to Castiel who turned looking over to him. Dean rolled his eyes dropping on the bed and closing his eyes.

"I feel sick" he said with a whimper. "Coffee isn't working"

"I would tell you to sleep but well…caffeine"

"Thanks for last night" Dean murmured looking away while he changed into clean clothes. "I think…I said I hate you, I don't hate you, I don't hate my mom either or my dad I just…I feel everything is falling around me and I'm clinging on but it's crumbling and I'm afraid I might slip all the way down"

"Never"

"Cas, I…"

"No, Dean, I won't allow that" he said sitting on the bed next to him. "We're going to take this one step at a time…so today, we're going to enjoy the weekend and we're going to town because Anna's birthday is coming up, we're going to get breakfast, lunch, shop, and then we'll decide what to do"

Dean stared over to him for a long moment before nodding and giving him a small but soft smile for what felt like years.

"One step at a time"

**A/N: This all comes from personal experience. I know what it feels like so everything here about grief is real, it's my own personal experience written in. It's raw. **

**Thank you for the reviews!**


	8. Chapter 8

_**June 2005**_

"I've failed it all" Dean said running his hands up and down Castiel's bedroom, well their bedroom, but Dean still thought it of Castiel's. His house had been sold over a month ago with all the furniture along with it, they officially moved in to the Milton household and for now it was good, really good, but one day changes had to be made.

"I've failed, you've passed, and I've failed" he chanted.

"Dean, you have not failed because despite all that's happened you have worked so, so hard for this and you will pass this course" Castiel said rising up from the bed where he had been watching and smiled softly at him. "You've done amazing, Dean"

"Says the one who's got A* in nearly everything" he said with a snort looking at him. "If I pass…I owe everything to you"

"No, you own everything to _you, _Dean, and we all think it" he said with a smile when Dean pressed his forehead against his for a moment before pulling away.

Dean knew Castiel would argue with him but he did owe everything to him, everything. He was the one who took them in, took care of him, and brought him back from the brink of rock bottom. He wouldn't deny it was hard, it was effort met with moaning, whining, and protesting when Castiel dragged him out everywhere distracting him and not leaving him for too long, insisting he went to college were they sat in the library together with Dean catching up on missed work and lessons. It was a long, slow, and painful process of learning to take it a day at a time but he did it. The days passed by with winter leaving them and spring creeping in with a touch of summer. Life passed by like it was meant to. Dean privately realised that every second someone died, someone lost a loved one, and life didn't stop, it moved on. There was mourning yes, a lot of mourning, but the moments when he forgot or that half a second in the morning when you wake up and feeling _nothing, _remember _nothing, _and life is just for that moment perfect. It's then after when it hits you like a trunk and you remember you're now an orphan, your mom and dad are dead, and you're alone with grief.

Dean knew that if weren't for Sam and Castiel, he would be a mess or dead. It still hurt now when he saw the house or went for a visit to the grave only to stay for hours and have Castiel finding him, wrapping him in his arms and staying there while Dean cried silently into his shoulder. Every day it was a little easier like Karen, Sam, Castiel and even Gabriel said it would be like. It was easier to let go and move on because he had to, he couldn't linger in the fact that she was dead, they were both dead, he knew she was watching over them like she promised she would when he was younger.

It was now June and they both coming to end of their college courses, they all were, and Dean regrettably had no idea how Jo, Ash, and Chuck were doing but knew from the sobbing down the phone from Jo she was panicking and her whining about Ash panicking with her making her worse was a real wakeup call. On top of that there were also the thoughts of university which up to now Dean had avoided despite the nagging from everyone. Dean was insistent that the money left behind would be for Sam, Sam wanted to go to Stanford and Dean was going to make damn sure his little brother went there. Dean watched from the corner of his eye with a sickening feeling when Castiel flicked through the brochures for universities in New York, Los Angles, California, Texas, and many others knowing he would be going but Dean didn't care because if Castiel was going he was following after him like a dependent dog or cat.

"Teaching art" Dean said Castiel spoke to him about it. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Dean, I'm never going to be a successful artist so I would like to teach others to become one" he said with a sigh. "Do you not think I could do it?"

"I think you can do anything and you're going to be awesome"

"I wish you would reconsider not going, Dean, Sam…"

"No, Cas, he's going and I'm not" he said with finality in his tone all those weeks back but a nudge inside him made him want to take it back.

"You will pass" Castiel said walking back to his laptop and smiling softly. "University of Oklahoma"

Dean swallowed hard looking over to him. "You seriously want to apply there?"

"Well it's close to Kansas so I can visit my family, well, we can visit…" he said noticing the look Dean shot at him. "It'll be good and I don't want to stay on campus, I'd rather get an apartment, Dean, we're nearly twenty one and I'd rather not be surrounded by students I don't know"

"Fine" Dean said nibbling on his thumb. "I need to get a job"

"What would you do?" Castiel said looking up at him. "I really wish you would reconsider, Dean, Sam hates this"

"He needs this!"

"No, Dean, he doesn't, not yet, and he wants this for you. There is enough money for both of you and with our student loans as well, we can do this, you can do this" Castiel said with a sigh. "You're throwing this away, Dean; you're throwing away the possibility of being a nurse one day, helping people, curing them"

"It's too late…"

"It's not, it's not, you can still apply" Castiel said eagerly getting up and moving into his personal space. "Sam is doing really good here, he has that part time job in Gabriel's café which he is saving to do this himself, he's good and he's healing….Gabriel is the me for you and they're good"

"I don't know…"

"Please, please consider this, not now, but think on it"

"Okay" he murmured to Castiel who smiled softly at him. "I want to go out, let's go out"

"Where"

"Anywhere, the lake, maybe"

"Okay" Castiel said with a nod as they headed out. Dean looked out of the back window to see Karen laughing with Anna in the paddling pool. It was a nice day outside with the temperatures just right as they headed out to the car. Dean patted the Impala with a smile sliding in and looking over to Castiel for a moment before they drove off towards the lake, finding a quiet spot and kicking off their shoes and socks to dangle their feet into the water.

"University" Dean murmured with a shake of his head. "It doesn't feel like two years since we felt"

"Yes, it feels like twenty" he said with a playful smile when Dean shoved him. "I'm glad we've stuck together, Dean, before you…I never really had a friend before you"

"Seriously"

"Yes, I was a freak"

"You are a freak, Cas, you've always been a freak with your tea, and your music, and the fact you can only sleep on one of the bed, you need the volume on a certain level, you hate ESPN and you hate beer" Dean said with a snort. "But…I like it so do me a favour?"

"What?" he said looking over to him with a soft expression.

"Never change"

Castiel didn't say anything as they looked away from other staring out across the lake.

"If I take this and apply…we're going to end up meeting new people"

"Is that a bad thing?" Castiel said kicking his legs gently.

"Nope…maybe you'll finally, you know, meet someone"

Castiel paused for thought looking over to him. "Do you mean like a relationship"

"Cas, since I've known you…you've never had a boyfriend"

"I…I've been with people2

"Yeah one night stands and then you whine about it next day that you feel cheap, used, and you don't want a boyfriend because everyone here is a spineless cheater" he said with a snort.

"Maybe" Castiel said after a long moment. "Maybe you will too"

"No way" he said with a shake of his head. "I don't want a girlfriend, I don't want to fall in love with some girl who is going to break my heart in the end….I can't do it"

"So you're going to be alone for the rest of your life because you're afraid to fall in love?"

"Maybe"

"Dean…you can't…"

"Yeah I can, I'm sick of losing people and the last girlfriend? Cheating little slut" he said with a deep scowl. "Her name was Lisa, it was high school…she was gorgeous, funny, and I liked her, well, I was infatuated with her…we dated on and off for ages till it was official. I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world to have the hottest, most popular girl on my arm…it turns out she was cheating and fucking every guy she could including one of my friends"

Castiel swallowed when Dean bowed his head with a tired sigh. "I couldn't be assed with Cas, and I'm not going through it again"

"Not all girls are like that Lisa, there's someone for everyone out there, and you'll find her" Castiel murmured leaning against his shoulder. "At least you will not have to worry about me stealing this said woman"

"Ah the benefits of having a freaky gay best friend" he said with a snort of laughter. "I may not have "the one" yet but at least I have my best friend"

"You will always have me"

"Good" Dean murmured resting his head on top of his for a long minute before lifting it away. "So…apartment"

"Yes, I was having a look and there is several nearby the college, I would rather have my own space with you" he said with a shrug. "I'd figure since we're practically living together anyway it wouldn't be a big deal"

"It's not but how will we pay for it"

"My own savings" Castiel said with a shrug. "We can get part time jobs…we can be poor… eat food unhealthy for us…and we can be students"

Dean grinned with a nod. "Sounds good"

"It'll give you a distraction as well"

Dean hummed picking at the stones and grass. "I guess so"

Castiel hummed kicking his feet harder so it splashed Dean and he gasped kicking back. Since their fights always escalate, the result was Dean shoving Castiel enough for him to yelp and stumble backwards into the lake. Dean couldn't help but howl with laughter as Castiel struggled in the water drenched in the lake water, cheeks flushed, breathing harsh and eyes furiously confused.

"Dean!" he shouted struggling out as Dean scrambled backwards running towards the car not wanting to be attacked by his very pissed best friend chasing after him.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean regretted more than anything pushing Castiel into the lake. He stared down at Castiel who glared back with a red nose, soreness underneath it from wiping it too many times, his eyes puffy from tiredness, a crackly cough every few minutes and a temperature to scare Dean enough to watch over him in the night. Castiel was sick and in no mood for Dean since it was his fault.

"How are you feeling?" Dean said putting down the cup of tea. "Need anything?"

"I need you to get me my cough drops and some more medicine" he said with a sniff curled under the blankets. "I feel like death, Dean"

"Well you're not dying, Cas, you have a bad cold or mild flu"

"Everything hurts everything" he murmured when Dean grimaced brushing his hair back and not liking the warmth of his forehead. Dean sighed opening the cover and sliding in next to him so he could comfort him like he always did. Castiel sighed eyeing him for a moment before resting against him with a resigned huff.

"You did this to me, Dean bloody Winchester" he muttered biting into his shoulder.

Dean hissed with a grimace at Castiel who still had his eyes closed trying to sleep despite the irritated cough spilling out of his mouth.

"You splashed me first" Dean muttered.

"Dean, shut up now before I kill you and kick you out of this bed forever" he hissed a finger into his ribs. Dean opened his mouth letting out a moan of pain and pouted looking at Castiel's eyes now open glaring at him.

"You act all innocent but you, Cas, are an evil man" he said turning on his side and facing him. "I'm sorry"

"I know you are"

"I'll make it up to you"?

"Give me my tea" he ordered pushing up and waiting for Dean who pushed it into his hands. Castiel sipped it and hummed with a nod.

"I'll give you one thing; you know how to make my tea"

"I know"

Sam looked at Gabriel for a moment eyeing him.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Gabriel cried looking at him confused and a little irritated.

"You got in late last night?"

"Good observation, Sam"

"Where were you?" Sam muttered kneeling on the bed.

"Out" Gabriel muttered pulling paperwork towards him.

"But…where?"

"Out! I don't need your permission to be out, Sam, I'm an adult and I was out, out with…friends" he said looking away from him.

Sam swallowed hard looking down at his hands. "I was just wondering…"

"Well don't wonder" Gabriel snapped pointedly not looking at him. "Do your homework"

"Is it a new boyfriend?"

Gabriel sighed deeply. "No...well maybe…"

"You have a boyfriend?"

"It's early days, Sam, we met and things have took off" he said not meeting Sam's eyes so he couldn't see the hurt look he knew would be there. Sam nodded staring down at his hands till the silence was too unbearable and he shifted moving up and out of the bedroom. Gabriel swallowed flicking them on the side and sitting back in his chair. He hated it, he hated hurting him by dating others that weren't Sam but the age difference was too much and Dean would kill him if he even dared make his own personal feelings known. It was torture lying next to him night after night for weeks, months, not being able to comfort him in an intimate way when he woke up crying, not being able to kiss when he was happy, laughing or telling a story and Gabriel wanted him to shut up. It was torture.

Sam was in the back garden when Dean spotted him and walked out dropping down next to him on the bench.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing"

"Come on, Sam, what's wrong?"

"You wouldn't understand" he said with a soft sigh picking at the skin around his thumb. "You'll think I'm stupid and go on one of your little freak outs"

Dean nodded with realisation as Sam avoided his eyes. "Gabriel then"

"He has a brand new boyfriend"

"He's allowed isn't he?"

"Yes…of course but…" he said with a soft sigh. "I can't help how I feel and these past few months, Dean, he's been there since mom died and I…I hate that he's older than me"

Dean flinched feeling very, very, uncomfortable right now. "Sam, you're only seventeen now, only recently as well and he's nearly twenty three…an adult"

"So? Age difference is nothing"

"Tell that to the feds" Dean said with a snort rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "Look…I don't like it already but I can't stop you but maybe…maybe you could try and move on? Get with kids your own age"

"I don't want to get with kids my own age!"

"Well Gabriel is with someone else now and he's too old for you, Sammy" Dean snapped. "You need to move on and find someone of your own"

Sam clenched his jaw pushing up and stalking away from him. Dean sighed rubbing his forehead and staying there till he got bored and walked upstairs to see Castiel on a coughing attack trying to breathe.

"Whoa, hey, breathe" Dean said urgently standing behind him and rubbing his back till Castiel slumped against his chest breathing shakily. Dean stayed there with Castiel's head on his shoulder and he nodded.

"Okay"

"What?" Castiel murmured weakly.

"I'll do it, I'll apply, I need something to do in my life" he said with a glance down at Castiel perking up instantly. "I'll apply and we can look for apartments nearby it to live in"

Castiel smiled with an eager nod. "What made you change your mind?"

"Taking care of you and I know that…I know that really my mom would be disappointed in my, Sam wants me to do this and it's only me holding myself back here"

Dean smiled when Castiel hugged him tightly before moving away with a wince when Castiel hacked and coughed harshly near his ear. Dean manhandled him till he was lying down whining softly in protest till he was ordered to sleep. While Castiel slept uneasily in a small ball, Dean grabbed his laptop bringing up the page of the university and had a scour through the apartments with a small smile. It was time to build up a future.

**A/N: Thank you for the feedback! You guys are awesome. **


	9. Chapter 9

_**October 2006**_

The last few months since Dean had made the decision to join Castiel in going to university had been hectic in all ways possible. To his surprise and horror he had passed and stood staring down at the letter in confusion before clinging to Castiel in relief who whispered in his ear that he knew could do it, they were going to university. The relief was overwhelming as they celebrated the positive results that had returned and Sam's acceptance into the college also before Stanford in two tears time.

"I'm so proud of you both" Karen whispered with tears caught in her eyes and throat hugging them both tight. Dean caught Castiel's eye as they rolled their eyes when she let go flapping her hands and muttering about needing to do the dishes. They both pretended they couldn't hear her joyful crying as she scrubbed at the dirty plates.

"I'm proud of you" Sam whispered when they hugged. "Mom and dad would be so proud as well…I'm glad you made the right decision"

"Thanks, Sam" he whispered back into his ear. "I'm glad I did it too, you should have gone to Stanford this year"

"No" Sam said shaking his head. "I'm a little too young for that, Dean, and I'd like to go the college for here a while…get to grips with higher education"

"You're going to be awesome"

Sam flushed with a nod and backed away sitting on the couch next to Gabriel who ruffled his hair before pulling it away to resume texting his new boyfriend, Aaron. Sam and Gabriel's friendship/relationship had become a little more strained since the new relationship and with Sam still only seventeen and Gabriel twenty three, the age difference was there for everyone to see even though Sam was adamant things would change as soon as he hit eighteen next year. Sam could sit back and keep his mouth shut. He was patient.

Dean and Castiel spent hours of time searching for apartments calling up estate agents and arranging meetings to view the estates in Oklahoma.

"I have enough money for a fully furnished" Castiel said when they brought one up. "We have no furniture, Dean, and we need all the money we have for food, electricity, and I don't mind dipping in to it for a month or two till we find a job"

"I have money, Cas, and I can pay…"

"No, I can"

"Cas!"

"Dean!"

Dean rolled his eyes exasperated at him staring back at the screen. "Fine, let's view some and then make a decision, okay?"

"Okay" Castiel said with a nod when Dean grinned back at him. "This is going to be so strange"

"You want to do it though"

"Yes, I will my mom, Anna, and Gabriel of course and Sam because they're family but it's the first time and it's terrifying" he said leaning against Dean who wrapped his arm around his shoulder giving him a comforting squeeze. "I knew this day would come one day I mean I'm twenty, nearly twenty one, and university is such a big step for both of us"

"It's going to be good" Dean said with a nod leaning his forehead against his temple before pulling away. The first travel down to Oklahoma was to see their first apartment which consisted of one room, nothing more, and a small kitchen with a bathroom that was laughably small. Dean met Castiel's eyes as the woman gestured around and faced them with a knowing look.

"No" Dean said with a nod walking back out and refusing to go back in when Castiel walked out.

"We can't afford to be picky"

"I know, Cas, but I'd really rather die than stay in that!" he cried with a shake of his head. Castiel sighed as the estate agent took them to more with either Dean or both of them pointing out errors, too small, too large, damp, dirty and unclean, or just unlikeable. It was the last apartment that was twenty minutes away from the university that was the one. It was a good size, nice kitchen, two bedrooms but unfurnished.

"We'll be fine, we can but everything" Castiel said to Dean who frowned at him. "It's the best one we have seen and we're students…we'll be fine"

"Okay, okay, we'll take it"

So that's how they ended up in 434c apartment with the rent mildly cheap and hours of ordering and shopping in town to get some kind of furniture in the apartment. It was slow and they spent any minute they could decorating the apartment. It was a Thursday morning when they decided to paint the living area a brown since Castiel insisted and bartered with Dean to have the living area brown and beige, the kitchen more a neutral colour, and they decided what colour for their own bedrooms.

"I always hated painting" Dean said as they dressed in their worse clothes, covered their new two seat couch and coffee table with cloth.

"The sooner it is done the better, Dean" he said stroking the walls with the brown paint.

"Why couldn't we just wallpaper it?"

"That takes effort and time we don't have and what if we don't like it? Paint is easier to paint over than wallpaper it is" Castiel argued back shooting a look over to him. "So pick up your paint brush and paint"

Dean snorted doing so and wondered when the pair of them had become so domesticated and not even in a relationship. But that didn't matter because best friends always lived together and it would be fine. They worked perfectly together so it was going to happen that they would have a paint fight when Dean accidently flicked paint at Castiel showering him in brown paint.

"Dean!" Castiel protested flicking his brush back till they were both covered in paint and slumped on the floor breathless from the fight and laughing.

"Your mom is going to hate us" he said looking over to Castiel lying next to him.

"It was fun and that's what matters" Castiel said with a small pleased sigh closing his eyes. Dean watched him for a long moment before turning his face away and staring up at their ceiling.

"Cas, promise me something?"

"Hmm"

"If we get boyfriends…girlfriends…don't let it change us" he said looking back over and meeting his confused eyes. "We're going to get them one day and you always hear that friends dumping friends for this one person….don't let this happen to us"

Castiel regarded him for a long moment before nodding. "I promise"

"Good, I'm not losing you over a _boy" _

"I am not losing you over a _girl" _

Dean grinned and winced when the paint on his face cracked. "Come on, let's try and clean up in the bathroom before we get back"

The rest of the apartment was completed when beds were delivered along with wardrobes they managed to get on the cheap and they packed their belongings into boxes shoving them back into the Impala for their final drive over there. Karen kept her cool with glassy eyes and trembling hands when she said her goodbye to Castiel and Dean who swore to call her, call all of them every single day if they needed them to and they would visit.

"I'm going to miss your classical shit coming through my bedroom wall kiddo" Gabriel said hugging him tight. "Try and visit"

"I will, Gabriel, its university…I will be back" he said with a smile dropping down when Anna ran over flinging herself into his arms. Dean held his arms out for Sam who eagerly walked into them clinging to his back hard with nails digging into his back.

"Are you going to be okay?" Sam whispered into his ear. "If you need me…I swear I'll come down and see you"

"I'm going to be fine, I'll have Cas and distractions" he said patting his back. "Study, do your homework and…try…try and forget about Gabriel for now"

Sam pressed his lips together not agreeing or disagreeing with him as he pulled away.

"Just enjoy yourself"

"I will" he said with a dramatic eye roll. Goodbyes were said as Castiel gently pulled away from Karen near enough sobbing into his shoulder as they climbed into the car.

"One last trip" Dean said and Castiel nodded knowingly as they drove over to the graveyard. Castiel waited in the car while Dean stepped out walking through the wet grass till he reached the grave stone glistening from rain from the previous night and stood staring at the letters standing out.

"Hey mom, hey dad, I'm off to uni" he said with a small smile dropping down and stroking his hand down the smooth stone. "I finally pulled my head out of my ass to do it though so Sam is proud of me…they all are"

Dean felt tears prickle at his eyes and he smiled sadly. "I know the both of you would be proud of me…I know and I miss you so fucking much and it sucks that I can't come and see you every weekend but like Sam said…this will be good for me so I'll come when I can"

Dean stayed there for a long minute before standing up on achy legs to walk back to the car were Castiel was waiting for him patiently and smiled at him warmly when he slid in starting her up.

"Oklahoma" Dean said with a smirk driving out of the car park of the church and putting his foot down as he drove out and all the way to their apartment for official moving in day.

So by October 2006 they had officially moved in, started university and their courses, made a few new friends but nothing that would affect theirs and life was going swimmingly well. Dean was tired after a long day at a course with Mr Jameson who he had disturbingly learnt had a disgusting fetish for feet. He inwardly shivered slotting the key into the lock and opening it to the familiar warmth of his home. It smelt like fresh laundry and lemon from Castiel's constant cleaning. He walked in the living room casting his eyes over their television, a good standard one with an LCD screen which Dean fondly shows off because yes it was worth every single stinking dollar, to the couch with a brown throw over on because Castiel is a freak and informs Dean it looks "homely". He walked in looking into their kitchen to see Castiel at the two chair dining table pooling over work, his hair a disarray and ink smudged on his cheek.

"Well, Cas, I gotta say…you don't look good"

"I'm working, please go away" he said as he scribbled furiously on a piece of paper. Dean rolled his eyes walking over to the fridge to pull out a soda and a piece of ham before stuffing it in his mouth with a grin when Castiel shot him a disgusted look.

"I'll be in my room" he said muffled by food in his mouth.

"I figured and please do not speak with your mouth full of food, Dean, it's disgusting" he said with a wave of his fingers in dismal. Dean huffed out a laugh walking into his bedroom and looking around at the navy blue bedroom his single bed because their bedrooms aren't that big at all, his wardrobe, and his side table. It's also messy compared to Castiel's which is light yellow to his disgust and so clean there's no dust anywhere. They were complete opposites in every way. He dropped down on his bed pulling his phone towards me to look at the text from Carmen Porter; she's training to be a nurse, and Dean's so far perfect woman. He smiled texting her back because in certain terms they were dating now but had yet to Castiel about her. It was about building up the courage to tell his own best friend that he was dating an actual girl he did care about and it wasn't a lie to get awesome sex. It really wasn't.

Carmen wanted him to come out tonight since it was Friday and the weekend was a big deal for students. It was freedom to do what the professors think studying but not in Dean's world.

"Cas" he sang padding out to the kitchen and leaning against the frame. "If I tell you something…promise to believe me?"

"It depends on what you wish to tell me" he said wiping his mouth after having a long drink from his own soda can.

"I have a girlfriend"

Castiel paused staring at him, his mouth half open and he swallowed backing up to lean against the chair.

"What?"

"Well, kinda, we're dating and it's um, Carmen"

"Carmen, the woman in all your classes"

"Yeah, yeah, she's gorgeous, funny, and basically perfect for me" he said pushing his thumb into his mouth to nibble and chew on the skin around it. "I'm scared of myself but she's so different from the girls in college and high school, she's mature, she's not into that trailing behind bullshit, and well the sex is rather good"

"Is it bad of me that is a little disbelieving since you have not had a girlfriend in years?"

"I'm getting older dude, I just…it's a little sad that I'm scared to get a girlfriend because of what happened in high school, _high school, _so I though…fuck it!" he said with a chuckle shrugging his shoulders. "She wants me to go out tonight with her and…I want you to meet her"

Castiel swallowed staring down at his papers not knowing what to say because Dean had rendered him speechless. He was used to Dean surprising him but he wasn't accepting this for months or even years because Dean didn't do relationships and now it seemed he had found the perfect girl. It made him feel a little nauseous.

"Dean, I'm happy for you but I'm not really…"

"….in the mood, I know because you always say that and you need to chill and loosen the fuck up, Cas, because you never go out!" he said with an exasperated sigh. "It's a night out and you really need it, we're only going to the pub and a few clubs"

Castiel sighed chucking his pen down rubbing his lips together meeting Dean's eyes. "Fine, fine, what time?"

"Be ready for eight" Dean said with a happy grin practically dancing away. Castiel rubbed the space between his eyebrows ignoring the churning in his stomach. He knew Dean was right and he did need to loosen up, get out, the two friends he had made in his class, Andy and Charlie, were constantly telling him he needed to get out more. He pushed up leaving his work and walked into his bedroom opening his drawer to pull out the neatly folded clothes and considered what to wear before giving in and flopping on the bed. His heart wasn't into it and he bit his lip not wanting to see Dean make out with his new girlfriend over and over again. He wasn't ready for it.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Castiel stared at Carmen as they arrived in the pub and felt a twist to his stomach. She was beautiful with long silky dark brown hair, a beautiful smile, and bright eyes when she kissed Dean full on the mouth and turned to Castiel with a smile.

"You must be Cas, Dean does not stop talking about you" she said with a kiss to his cheek. "It's great to finally meet you"

"Okay, chitchat over, let's get drinking" Dean said pushing a hand on her lower back and shot her a wink as they walked over to the table where there was other people waiting for them. Castiel shot Dean a panicked look as they walked over but he shook his head in reassurance.

"Guys, these are my friends from high school, Johnny Smith, Georgia Daniels, and Marcus Harris" she said introducing them. Castiel took in Johnny with a buzz cut and an apparent disinterest for anyone but his beer and his phone, Georgia was very pretty with curled blonde hair, big baby blue blues and red lipstick to match and clearly very _interested _in Dean despite the circumstances and lastly Marcus with ruffled dark brown hair and brown eyes staring right back at him with a small smile.

"This is Dean Winchester, my beau, and his friend, Castiel…?" she said looking over to him.

"Milton"

"Castiel Milton" she said as they slid in and conversations started up. Castiel felt uncomfortable as he sipped his beer from the first round and looked over to Marcus who scooted over to him.

"Marcus" he said holding out his hand.

"Yes, I know, I'm Castiel"

"What are you studying?"

"Teaching, I love art and would like to teach it to children"

"Wow…that's really cool so you and Dean are best friends?"

"Yes, for nearly three years" he said looking over to Dean kissing Carmen and away to Marcus who regarded him for a moment.

"No one special for Castiel then?"

"No, no, I, um, I don't get out much and so there is no special for Castiel" he said meeting his eyes. "What about you?"

"No" he said shaking his head. "We broke up many months ago, he left me"

"He" Castiel said in surprise.

"Is that a problem?" he said with sharpness to his tone.

"No, no, no, of course not I'm just surprised and I am too, you know…"

"Oh" Marcus breathed looking him up and down slowly taking him in. "I can work with that"

Castiel flushed embarrassed taking him in as well and looked away sipping his beer. Conversations and drinks moved on as they left the pub going to a few clubs nearby were things were a little wilder as Castiel sighed feeling tipsy leaning against the bar as he downed the shot. Marcus chuckled at his side when he grimaced coughing.

"You don't drink much, do you?" Marcus shouted over to him over the pounding club music. The area was filled with smoke, alcohol, people and music to the point where it was overbearing. Castiel hummed leaning his head back filling weird and dizzy.

"I don't feel too good" he said looking over to Marcus who pressed against him, his eyes leering and a small smile dancing on his lips.

"You look good, you look good in black, Castiel" he purred against his ear.

Castiel blinked looking over his shoulder to see Dean wrapped up in Carmen were they pointedly grinding and kissing each other. He scowled looking away and towards Marcus who was busy pressing closer to him.

"Come outside" he whispered wrapping a hand around his wrist tugging him with him. Castiel didn't know what was happening as he walked out into the fresh air and was taken down the street until he was pressed against the wall.

"I want to kiss you, you've been driving me crazy since I saw you" Marcus whispered pressing into him and Castiel hummed feeling very drunk and lightheaded right now. Castiel eagerly pressed into as Marcus covered his mouth with his and they kissed.

"Hey…where's…where's, Cas?" Dean said breathless when Carmen sucked on his neck.

"Marcus and he went outside" she said with a grin wrapping her arms around his neck. "They've been…very…very…close all night"

Dean narrowed his eyes as he leaned into kiss her and pulled away feeling a worry curl inside of him. He didn't like leaving Castiel with strangers but he was a big boy so he ignored it resuming kissing and groping Carmen in the middle of the dance floor, her two friends Johnny and Georgia practically fucking in the corner of the room as they pined for the couple on the dance floor and found comfort in each other.

"Come home with me" Marcus breathed against his wet lips and nuzzled at his neck.

"I…I don't know"

"I live ten minutes away"

"Okay" Castiel murmured when he gripped his hand and they walked down the street heading to Marcus's dorm room. He gave in and he left himself go instead of being uptight, boring, and nerdy. Castiel was following Dean's advice now but what he didn't know as he went home with Marcus that night would be the start of everything and the downfall.

**A/N: Upcoming warnings! I warned you beforehand that there would be drug use which is on the cards in later chapters but one more warning is there will be domestic violence as well and you can guess who it will be. This is warning now so don't like, please don't read. I don't want to upset people.**


	10. Chapter 10

_**Decmeber 2006**_

It had been exactly two months since Castiel had met Carmen and Marcus, Marcus being the preferable one as their drunken night together went onto many more nights as they exchanged numbers. Castiel was inwardly and outwardly delighted over these circumstances. Marcus was good looking, charming, humorous, and more than willing to listen, see him, and spend time with him. He found his "freaky" likes endearing and cute that it made Castiel flush when he complimented him. In Castiel's eyes he was too good to be true and in fact he was.

It was a week and five days after they started dating that Castiel hesitantly informed Dean as they had dinner he was dating Carmen's long-time friend and the shock was worth it as he spluttered and narrowed his eyes.

"Marcus? I didn't…I didn't think he was your type"

"Well…my one night stand with him turned out to be…more" he said sticking a fry into his mouth chewing slowly. "I like him, Dean, and you keep telling me I need someone, I need to loosen up and let myself go so that's what I'm doing. I thought you would be glad"

"I am, Cas, I am…it's just…I wasn't expecting it" Dean said with a swallow. "So this has been going down since I dragged you out?"

"Yes, how's Carmen?"

"She's good, more than good, she's a little busy lately so I haven't seen her in two days" he said sipping his drink. "Are you seeing Marcus tonight?"

"Yes" he said with a nod looking at the television screen. "I'll be staying at his"

"Oh" Dean murmured suddenly not wanting his dinner now. His stomach felt twisted and he really didn't like it that Castiel was dating Marcus. Dean didn't like Marcus, he didn't like his smug attitude and he didn't like he was now dating his best friend.

Dean watched from narrowed eyes when Castiel's phones rang and he jumped up walking out of the room with a secret smile. He brought his thumb chewing around the skin and walked into the kitchen dumping his plate in the sink and started to clean to distract himself from the low tone from Castiel in his bedroom.

"Are you coming around here tonight?"

"Yes, I told Dean"

"You…you told him?"

"Yes, I needed to"

"I thought we had discussed we wouldn't tell anyone" Marcus said slowly.

"Well…Dean is my best friend and he told me about Carmen" Castiel said with a shrug pacing up and down his bedroom slowly. The silence was slow and torturous as Castiel paused with a furrowed brow.

"Fine" Marcus said with sharpness in his tone before hanging up.

That was the start of the change in character from Marcus. It wasn't noticeable at first as they spent time together but when Castiel did something Marcus didn't like, he would make it clear to Castiel who could only listen or watch in confusion before apologising over and over again. It disturbed Castiel that he gave in so easily but when apologies were given the change of character went back to the one he knew, the one he was starting to really care about.

It was now December and two months into their relationship as they classed themselves "boyfriends" and were out in the open. While their relationship was pushing on, Dean and Carmen's was ending in a raging argument that had Castiel stuck in his room as they shouted and screamed at each other in the living area.

"Oh so she just happened to land on you, kiss you, and rubbed herself all over you so you smell like a fucking rosebush?"

"It was…nothing!" he shouted back.

"You're a fucking liar! You've been acting odd for months! The moment Lacy arrived and you stared at her ass, yes I saw, you've been drooling all over the plastic slag!" she shouted shoving him back. "Do not even bother and deny it!"

"You're deluded" he shot back.

Carmen scoffed shaking her hair and shoved him out of the way as she stormed out.

"Slags belong together, take her, fuck her, and get yourself riddled in diseases because me and you are so over, you dick" she hissed storming out and slamming the door behind him. Dean swallowed hard rubbing the back of his neck moving around and dropping on the couch with a hard sigh. Castiel pushed up opening the door and looking at Dean who stared up at him with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, Dean"

"Don't be, it's my fault, I was eyeing Lacy because she's gorgeous and…I didn't stop the kiss" he said running a hand through his hair. "Sorry"

"Why are you apologising?"

"You were listening"

"I was ignoring it" he murmured sitting down and resting his head on his shoulder. "Marcus is coming around tonight"

Dean grimaced looking away and knew the world was out to get him and make him feel worse about himself.

"Great"

"You don't have to sound so thrilled" Castiel murmured sarcastically. "I wish you two would get along…it is very awkward that my boyfriend and best friend don't like each other"

"He gives me a bad feeling" Dean murmured with a snort. "But fine, I'll try for you"

"Thank you" Castiel murmured and glanced around. "Christmas soon, we'll need to get a tree"

"Oh shut up, it's not Christmas to tell I say it is" Dean said shoving him away gently and grinning when Castiel tackled him onto the floor for a fight. He laughed kicking at his feet till Castiel faltered landing on the floor with a huff and a broken moan at the pain spreading across his lower back.

"I win" Dean muttered sitting on his legs.

"Yes, get off me" Castiel murmured with a chuckle when Dean relented. Castiel winced sitting up and holding up his elbow in shock.

"I have carpet burn"

"Poor baby" Dean cooed and smiled when Castiel flushed looking away. "You'll be fine, rub some cream in"

"You hurt me"

"Come on" Dean said holding out his hands for Castiel who took them and stood with a small smile. He smiled when Dean rubbed the side of his neck with his thumb before moving away.

"You can always cheer me up, Cas" he said looking over to him. "Never leave me"

"I promise" he called over to him before looking down and pulling out his ringing mobile.

"Where are you?"

"In the apartment"

"I'm coming over"

Castiel opened his mouth confused when the phone clicked and he heard the dial tone. He frowned shoving it in his pocket but shoved it in his pocket walking over to Dean rooting around the fridge.

"Marcus is coming around now"

"Is that your subtle hint of telling me to fuck off and now" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"No, no, no, you don't have to leave but be nice?" he said leaning his chin on his shoulder.

"Fine" he muttered narrowing his eyes and pulling away. Castiel turned heading to the door when Marcus knocked heavy and demanding. He pulled it open and blinked when he came in all smiles and peered around.

"Is Dean here?"

"Yes"

"But I told you I was coming around"

"Um…yes but this is his apartment too" Castiel said swallowing when Marcus's eyes narrowed.

"I don't want him here, you know how I feel about him, and your…friendship, you're too close, far too close for my liking" he said slowly staring into his eyes. "I want him gone"

"I can't ask him that, Marcus, this is home too and he's…Carmen and Dean have broken up" he whispered shaking his head.

"Do it…now" he hissed moving into his personal space before moving away and heading into his bedroom. Castiel swallowed unnerved and moved slowly heading to the kitchen to see Dean munching on a burger he had thrown in the microwave.

"Dean, I know I said before about you not going for a…"

"I get it, I get it" Dean said with a snort. "You want me gone"

"Only for a bit"

"It's alright, I'll go get a drink and see a few friends" he said with a roll of his eyes but it was all in good humour. "I'll see you later, don't get pregnant"

"I'm sorry…"

"Cas, it's fine, you did it for me when Carmen and I wanted peace" he said with a smirk poking his nose and leaving. Castiel watching as he picked up his jacket and walked out, he sighed moving to his bedroom to see Marcus holding a picture of him and Dean from three years ago at the beginning.

"You've always been close I see"

"We're best friends; he's always been there for me…you know this"

"Yeah" he said and let it go from his hand so it fell to the floor and the glass cracked over Dean's face. Castiel gasped shocked moving quickly forward to scoop it up and stared at him aghast.

"Why…?" he said and gasped softly when Marcus tugged it away putting it on the side and moved into his personal space cupping the side of his cheek.

"Forget about it" he ordered and eyed the bed. "I'm in the mood"

"I'm not…"

"Come on, we haven't had sex in two days" he said cocking his head at him. "I'm in the mood, Cas, and you don't want me to be upset with you…do you? I mean, I don't like being upset with you"

"No" he murmured gasping when he covered his mouth in a hard kiss going for his belt buckle. "I just…"

"It's fine, it's okay" Marcus whispered pushing him on the bed. "You are, come on"

Castiel nodded underneath him as they pulled at each other's clothing and he tried to ignore the disturbed feeling in the pit of his stomach as they had the sex Castiel didn't want or feel like. He lay next to Marcus afterwards tired from the two orgasms forced out of him from Marcus's hands and mouth. His body felt tender and sore afterward like always and he looked over to Marcus curled around his dozing. Castiel sighed softly shifting away and moving to get up when a hand fastened too tightly around his wrist.

"Where are you going?"

"I need a drink"

Marcus eyed him letting go of his wrist with a nod. Castiel swallowed cradling his wrist to his chest moving away and out of the bedroom till he reached the kitchen and looked at his wrist in confusion. It was red from the sudden grip and throbbed quite painfully, Castiel didn't like this feeling coursing through his veins; he didn't like this sudden possessive and strange side to Marcus. He sipped the orange juice pulling his phone to him to see if he had any messages and sighed softly seeing none. His thumb went down his contacts till he reached Gabriel's number and he pressed call.

"Evening kiddo" Gabriel hollered down the phone.

"Gabe, hey, how is everyone?"

"Fine, all fine, mom is good, Anna is learning to read big books and Sam is out…with friends" he said with a cough.

"Gabriel?"

"He's…I think…I think he has a girlfriend or a boyfriend, he's being very secretive, constantly on his phone, going out, and I just…I think he has someone"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course…I just…I never see him anymore"

"Gabe…"

"Hey, no, it's fine…how are you and the boyfriend?"

"We're good" he murmured looking at his hands. "Dean and I are coming down for Christmas"

"Oh! Mom was asking but she didn't know your plans, I'll tell her"

"Good"

Marcus who had heard his low conversation waited in the living room watching his back with narrowed eyes and clenched fists.

"I…I…yeah, I know, I have to go…you too, yeah" he said with a small smile hanging up and turning to see Marcus staring at him.

"Did I hear that correctly? You and Dean are going home for Christmas?"

"Yes"

"What if I wanted to spend it with you?"

"You can't, I mean, I'm going to spend it with my family" he said with a grim set to his jaw.

"So while you planned this…you didn't think of me?" he said moving towards him. "You know I have no family, what if I wanted to come?"

"We've only been together two months and it's Christmas…" he said slowly and jumped when Marcus darted forward.

"Wow, you're so selfish, aren't you?" he said softly. "That's a bad trait, that's makes me upset"

"Marcus, I'm sorry but…" he said and gasped when a hand cupped his cheek, nails digging in hard, hard enough to cause pain and to break the skin.

"Selfishness is ugly" he hissed. "You're ugly right now"

"What…stop it" he said with a fierce set in his eyes shoving him away breathing hard. Marcus stared at him for a long moment angrily till it slipped away so suddenly and it turned into one of regret as he touched his cheek.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…I just wanted to spend it with you" he whispered stroking his hands over the cut now slowly forming into a bruise. "I'm sorry"

"It's okay" Castiel murmured when he kissed him. "I just…they're my family and Dean is my best friend, his brother is there and there's always New Year"

"Bringing in the New Year…sounds fun" he said grabbing his hand and taking him into the bedroom. "Now let me make it up to you…intimately"

Castiel swallowed hard glancing at the bed and moved forward with a fake smile and a nod. He felt scared.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean sighed as he watched the latest girl walk away defeated and a little disgruntled by his apparent disinterest but he was in no mood. He sighed walking back home feeling more than tired when he opened the apartment door and paused when he heard moans and squeaking of bed springs coming from Castiel's bedroom. He sighed deeply and in disgust moving away and into the kitchen slamming the fridge door hard with smug satisfaction when the sounds decreased. Dean leaned against the counter eating slowly when the door opened and Marcus walked out with narrowed eyes and nothing but jeans on.

"You're back"

"I live here"

"I hear you and Carmen broke up"

"Yup" he said with a nod. "We didn't last long but…um; my broken heart will heal because of my Cas"

Dean smirked at the flare of anger in Marcus's eyes and he shifted moving away heading to his own bedroom.

"Face it, he will always be mine more than he's yours" Dean whispered moving away from him. Marcus swallowed looking over his shoulder at Dean's retreating form. He breathed out harshly moving into the bedroom to see Castiel sitting up with a frown.

"Were you and Dean arguing?"

"Shut your mouth and lie down" he hissed to him.

"What…?" Castiel said and gasped in pain when he shoved him down attacking his mouth with enough force to bruise and blood to explode in his mouth.

"Marcus, no!" Castiel breathed shoving at him and gasped when he shoved his hands down by his side.

"I said…shut up; you never stop talking, just shut up"

Castiel breathed out shakily looking into his eyes that were blacker then brown right now. He was more afraid than anything else, he didn't like this, and he didn't like this Marcus who changed like a switch. Marcus moved off him getting dressed while Castiel struggled up watching him.

"I'm leaving, I'll call you tomorrow" he said not facing him and walked out leaving Castiel to simply watch trembling and confused. He pushed up when the door slammed and he sat at end of the bed clutching the blanket running everything through his mind. Castiel knew that Marcus' parent's death anniversary was coming up soon and it could explain the erratic behaviour but it was bullying. He didn't know how long he was sat there staring into the darkness feeling tears prick his eyes till he felt a shiver run down his spine. It was loneliness, confusion, despair and he needed only one person right now as he found some pyjama pants and underwear pulling them on.

Castiel opened the bedroom door to see Dean on his side asleep and he paused hesitating before creeping over sitting on the edge. He reached out shaking his shoulder till Dean jerked awake confused blinking.

"Cas?"

"Hello"

"Hey…what?" he said peeking at his alarm. "It's nearly 2am, Cas"

"Can I sleep in here?" he whispered clutching his hands into the mattress and sheet. Dean narrowed his tired eyes before nodding with a sigh pulling open his duvet so Castiel could slide in pressing against Dean who closed his eyes. Castiel let his head rest against his shoulder until Dean huffed manhandling him till he was the little spoon.

"Thank you"

"Sleep, idiot" Dean murmured with a huff. "We'll talk in the morning at reasonable hours"

Castiel smiled despite the pain the little cut in his cheek, it hurt like a reminder, a horrible reminder and he frowned before ignoring it the best he could enjoying the warmth of Dean pressed against his back. Nothing made sense right now but if there was one constant in his life, it was Dean.

**A/N: This will get worse. Enjoy and please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Warning: Slight non con, abuse, and could be trigger warnings. If you don't like, don't read.**

_**February 2007**_

Castiel trembled when Marcus shoved him hard against the wall, anger shining in his eyes and a cruel smirk gracing his lips.

"You're so pathetic!" he whispered to him looking at the split lip from days earlier and the fear dwelling deep in his eyes. "You really are, you're worthless…no one will ever want you like I want you. You don't think I know about your feelings for Dean? It's laughable"

"Let go of me!" Castiel pleaded and whimpered when Marcus snarled gripping the top of his hair and yanking hard enough to pull some out.

"No one will ever love you like I love you"

"Love? This isn't love, this is a disaster"

"Shut up!" Marcus hissed pressing him harder into the wall. "You never shut up, you never listen…you never do as you're told, you ignore me, and you ignore my _request _to leave this apartment, to leave Dean, because all I want is best for you"

"Best for me? Best for me is hitting me, saying cruel names to me, and trying to drive me away from my best friend" he said and gasped when Marcus gripped his cheek hard.

"I didn't say you could talk…"

"You don't control me" Castiel shouted back and cried out in pain when Marcus's fist collided with his stomach. Pain exploded and tears sparked in his eyes as he slumped against Marcus who sighed shaking his head.

"You make me do this, you make me hurt you…because you don't listen" he hissed and slapped him hard. "Stop crying like a little baby…Dean isn't coming back, he has someone new now…he doesn't care about you anymore…no cares about you apart from me"

"Please…" he pleaded and squeezed his eyes shut when he gripped the top of his head hand moving down to his belt.

"You're going to do exactly what I say, Castiel, you're going to get on your knees and suck me till I'm satisfied and then…my love, you're going to get on the bed and we're going to fuck till I'm satisfied again"

"No…no" he whispered and moaned in pain when Marcus forced him down onto his knees keeping a firm grip on his hair. Marcus smiled with no emotion as he tugged down his fly while Castiel struggled shaking his head.

"Don't fight this…don't" he whispered as he took it out stroking it to hardness.

"Marcus, please, I don't want to do this…"

"Shut up! Fuck, you're so annoying…just do it…now" he hissed down guiding his mouth towards his cock. Castiel whimpered pressing his lips together attempting to turn his face away when he heard a crash and suddenly the grip in his hair was gone, the shadow of Marcus gone and he was now half way across the room as Dean breathed angrily.

"I knew something was wrong, I felt it in my gut when I left to see go see Rochelle…I've felt it for months…I've always known you were a worthless piece of shit but I couldn't get Castiel to see that and now I know why" Dean said in a cold voice. Castiel stared at him breathing hard and his nails dug into the carpet underneath him, the relief was like an electric shock and he fell back against the wall watching Dean take full control as he hauled Marcus up punching him hard in the jaw.

"I've had a bad feeling for months, first it was his wrist….all bruised and swollen but he told he fell on it and like the stupid idiot I am sometimes I believed him…and then it was his split lip, the bruise on his cheekbone, and the withdrawal from me. He told me fell out of bed, hit the door frame and I bought them…I fucking bought them and they were all you" Dean hissed down at him kicking him hard in the stomach. "They were all you!"

It started after Christmas when Dean started to see the real signs when Castiel told him Marcus wouldn't be coming back to the apartment because of the differences and he would be staying with Marcus most nights. Dean could only agree and stand back as he let Castiel do this, he couldn't meddle with this relationship and they swore to each other a man or a woman wouldn't get between them. It was ten days after that he saw the bruises around his wrists and the sadness in Castiel's eyes that he started to real worry, started to question, but was pushed back as Castiel told him with a small chuckle that he fell badly on the ice. He stupidly believed him till he came in one day from college with a split lip and told Dean he bit it too hard splitting it. How could he believe that? But he did and the bad feeling wouldn't leave him as he worried about him more and more. The difference in Castiel was palpable every day as he avoided Dean like a plague but asking him did nothing as he ignored him or shrugged it off as "stress" and "college". It was only when Castiel started to flinch away from his touch was when alarm bells went off in his head and it was also the first time in months since Marcus had arrived at the apartment wanting to see him. Dean had a date, a date with a pretty girl who was studying economics and liked him, he had to leave and see her but the look in Castiel's eyes when he grabbed his keys and jacket was enough to make him pause for thought before leaving. The bad feeling swimming in his stomach as he walked down to meet her at the local diner was the reason he stopped nearly crashing into someone and why every instinct was telling him to turn back which he did.

Dean heard enough as he opened the door silently as he could creeping in and seeing Marcus pinning a trembling and clearly terrified Castiel against the wall and forcing him down onto his knees to suck him off under force. Dean snapped. He didn't regret for one moment dragging Marcus off him and punching him hard enough to break his jaw. The guilt burned bright in his heart that this had been going on for months, this abuse had been going for months and he didn't see it till the end when Castiel was pinned against a wall and nearly raped by the man who was supposed to care about him. Dean was clever, very clever, but sometimes the most obvious things were unclear to him even if they are screaming in his face.

It was only when Marcus was on the floor breathing shallowly blood coating his face was when Castiel dragged Dean back cupping his cheeks.

"Dean, stop, you're going to kill him"

"Let me do this!" Dean shouted at him as he went for Marcus who curled in on himself whimpering and moaning in pain. "You son of a bitch! I'm going to kill you; I'm going to rip you apart!"

"Dean, no!" Castiel shouted dragging him back and gasping when Dean gripped his shoulders. "Call the police, Dean, before you do something stupid and kill him"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Dean breathed staring at him and grabbing the phone as he dialled swallowed looking over to Marcus now unconscious from the pain.

"I don't know" he whispered to Dean who glared at him as he reported Marcus to the police.

Dean breathed out scrubbing a hand down his face. "How long has this been going on, Cas? You've been lying to me for months"

"He said it was my fault…"

"Your fault? How is him hitting you your fault?"

"It's because I didn't listen to him and I was always talking, getting on his nerves, and…" he said trailing off and letting his eyes drop.

"What?"

Castiel shook his head. He wasn't about to tell Dean about how he really felt for him. It would make things very awkward and he kept it a secret this long.

"I should have told you…"

"Cas, I saw the signs…months ago! I questioned you every single time and you lied to me, I knew something was up, I fucking knew it but a small part of me thought you weren't stupid enough to hide something like this from me!" he shouted gripping his shoulders and bringing him closer. His eyes travelled to the still healing split lip, his wrists were no longer bruised but it made him wonder.

"Take your top off" he said lifting it up before Castiel could even protest and he swallowed hard.

"Cas, no" he said shaking his head as he looked at the bruises across his ribs and the most recent red mark on his stomach. "How could you let him hurt you like this? Are you that stupid?!"

"I thought it was a phase…"

"Wow, wow, Cas, a fucking phase? He was hitting you!" Dean raged at him moving away. "I'm meant to be your best friend"

"He said not to…"

"Tell anyone? Oh yeah, clear signs of a little something called domestic abuse, Cas, he was abusing you and blaming you!

"I'm sorry"

Dean opened his mouth to speak when he heard the wail of the police and a buzz on the door. He turned away from Castiel to go to the door ignoring the hand cupping around his wrist as he pulled away to answer it. Marcus was arrested and Dean and Castiel were taken both to the hospital and police station. It was hours of questioning, tests, and procedures before hours later they were released with Marcus being kept in custody for attempted rape and so much more. They were stood in their living area as Castiel sat on the sofa and Dean stood looking out the window.

"If I hadn't come back…he would have raped you" Dean said after a long spell of silence.

"Dean…"

"He's been hitting you, abusing you, calling you names like a big bully, and every time I asked, every single time I tried to help you pushed me away, you ignored me, you lied, and I couldn't do anything" he continued rubbing between his eyebrows. "He told you it was your fault and you believe him"

Castiel remained quiet staring at the coffee table till Dean walked over crouching down in front of him.

"I want you, right now, to tell me everything, Cas, I need to know"

"Will it help?"

"Yeah"

"It started a couple of weeks after we officially started when he spoke to me like I was dirt and then he'd switch back to the Marcus I cared about, the one who liked me, and he was my first boyfriend, Dean, I thought it went with the package. It only got worse when he'd shove me or call me names but then want to make it up to me with sex I didn't want but he insisted I did. I thought it was nothing, a phase, he said he was having trouble with his parent's death so I let it slide but then that night I stayed here with you to watch films and turned my phone off…the next day he was very angry with me and punched me in the ribs. He told me it was all my fault and I believed…I actually believed. It just got worse from there with the slaps, the punches, and the split lip was him and he told me not to tell you because it would ruin what we had and he was so sorry" he said softly leaning closer to him. "I'm so sorry I lied to you"

"You didn't think for one second it was wrong, so wrong, Cas, it's abuse, not a fucking phase that someone goes through! You hear about this all the time with women and you just lay back and take it because he was your first boyfriend?" Dean said in horror shaking his head and looking away. "I thought you were clever"

"I'm sorry"

"Stop saying you're sorry because the abuse isn't your fault, Marcus using you as a fucking punch bag isn't your fault…the only fault you have is not telling me! Do you have any idea at all how hard this has been just watching and knowing deep down something was wrong, Cas, and then walking into to see you like that!" he cried wrenching his hands away from Castiel who took them gingerly. "I came back, Cas, because I felt sick, I knew something was wrong because I felt like a livewire"

"I didn't know what to do!"

"You should have told me! The moment I questioned you about that wrist or the way you were ignoring me was the moment you should have told me what Marcus was doing!" Dean shouted loud enough for Castiel to flinch back and tears to fill the rim of his eyes. "We could have stopped months ago…months, Cas, do you even…do you even see yourself right now? You're trembling, you're skinnier, you're covered in bruises and look like a reject from a horror movie or domestic abuse advert"

Dean ran hands into his hair tugging gently as he stepped away. Castiel brushed his hands underneath his eyes feeling raw, cold, and frightened as Dean avoided eye contact with him wanting to stand by the window instead of being near him.

"I was just scared, Dean, he's a scary man when he's angry and I was the brunt of it…it was automatic when I lied to you because…how could I tell you? I'm weak and I am pathetic" he said pushing his hands up to his face curling his legs up towards him feeling the tears slide down slowly and silently. He was left like for a moment before he felt hands tugging at him and he flinched with a gasp when Dean silently and with a set jaw so he was hugging him tightly against his chest. Castiel gasped clinging to him as he tucked his head into the side of his neck never wanting to leave there.

"It's okay, Cas, it's over now, it's all over, he will never, ever, hurt you again" he whispered closing his eyes when Castiel trembled and nodded into his neck.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"Say that again" Gabriel said in a low voice as he and Sam huddled around the phone listening to Dean. Dean was stood in the kitchen that next morning sipping his coffee and walking to his bedroom door to see Castiel still curled fast asleep. Dean had insisted last night that Castiel stayed with him for both of their sane of mind.

"Marcus has been abusing Cas for months…if I didn't come back yesterday…he would have been raped" Dean said in a low voice moving away. Sam gaped at the phone looking to Gabriel who had paled, his leg jittering up and down, and his nerves going into overload.

"What…this…this makes no sense!" Gabriel cried wrenching the phone away to pace.

"I know"

"How did you not…?"

"Before you dare start blaming me more than I blame myself…I saw the signs, yeah, and I asked him and he lied to me so I believed him. I was an idiot, I was…look, I'm sorry, alright, but he lied to me and I just…" Dean cried down the phone.

"We don't blame you, Dean" Sam said rushing over and shoving Gabriel who glared at him. "Where is Marcus?"

"Police, he's being charged for attempted rape and more I think…Cas has testify and I have to testify as well in court against him. I'm going to make sure that dick stays so far away…I'll get everything, a restraining order, everything" he said scrubbing a hand over his tired eyes. "I think we might come down, Gabe, can you tell Karen?"

"Sure thing"

Sam glanced in concern to Gabriel who stumbled slightly when he left with no expression on his face.

"Sammy?"

"Dean, I'm still here…now all things considering…how are you?"

"I don't know, I don't care about right now. The only thing I care about is Cas being okay and to have my mind wiped" he said sitting on the edge of the counter. "I never thought I'd see him like that…he was so scared and if I hadn't come back, Sam…"

"But you did, you came back and now all this…this is over" Sam said with desperation in his voice. "Pack bags and come back"

"I think we're going to do that"

"Good…I miss you"

"I miss you too" Dean murmured with a smile and looked when he heard a groan from the bedroom. "He's awake, I'll call you soon"

Dean didn't bother waiting for a reply as he hung up and walked into the bedroom to see Castiel sitting up gingerly with a pained expression.

"What's up?"

"Stomach is sore from…well…" he said with a gesture so Dean understood and he sat down on the bed next to him. "Were you on the phone?"

"Yeah, I told Sam and Gabriel and Gabe is telling Karen"

Castiel's eyes went wide as he swallowed hard linking his hands together tightly with a nod.

"They needed to know"

"Yeah they did"

"Thank you for telling them, I don't think…"

"We're leaving for Kansas tonight" Dean said standing up.

"What about uni?"

"Screw uni!" Dean said turning to face him. "We need to get out of here, be with family, and you need to get away before trials come up"

Castiel looked down at his hands with a nod. "I'm sorry, Dean, I really, really, am"

"I know" Dean murmured as he opened his closet with a sigh. "It'll be okay…maybe not now…but you looked after me when I was rock bottom and now it's my turn for you"

"I don't deserve you" Castiel mumbled.

"Nope and I don't deserve you but we're all we have so get up, get a shower, shave that beard and pack because we're leaving as soon as we're ready" he said tugging clothes out and throwing them in the bag.

Castiel nodded climbing out of the bed and glancing at Dean before walking over and wrapping his arms around his neck for a hug. Dean sighed softly holding him close and pulling away to press his forehead against his.

"Go" Dean instructed watching him nod, his eyes glassy from tears and his posture slumped as he turned on his heel heading to the bathroom. It left Dean with his thoughts as he dropped down on the bed staring at his carpet lost in thoughts and feelings that left him with an achy chest and a bad headache. It was the worst feeling in the world and it left Dean feeling cold to realise over and over again how close he was. It was unbearable to imagine what Castiel would be like if Marcus had gone through with it. It left a bitter edge in Dean's mouth as he shoved more clothes and other items in the bag needing to leave Oklahoma and hide Castiel away. It was his turn now to protect and rescue.

**A/N: Aw thank you for the reviews!**


	12. Chapter 12

_**June 2007**_

The last couple of months that had passed had been hell in every way possible for both Castiel and Dean. When they had arrived in Kansas the welcoming party wasn't the best they could have received as they pulled up outside the house to see all four of them waiting with sullen expressions. Castiel stepped out looking up at him mother who passed Anna to Gabriel before walking down and standing in front of him. Her dark blue eyes went glassy with tears as she tugged him to her chest hugging and sobbing into his shoulder. Dean stood awkwardly scratching the back of his neck as they clung to each other and Castiel whispered his apologies over and over again.

Dean looked up when Sam came down to meet him and he stared at the now eighteen year old Sam who tugged him into his arms squeezing.

"Christ, did you have a growth spurt or something?" Dean said muffled as he glanced at him and away. "Hey, you and…?"

"No" Sam said glancing over to Gabriel and Anna watching Karen and Castiel. "He's in a relationship and I've tried talking to him but…"

Dean grimaced with a nod patting his shoulder. "Sorry, Sammy, but…"

"I know, just…don't say it…how is he?" Sam whispered as Karen led Castiel into the house with a tug of his hand.

"Twitchy, quiet, nervous, and broken" Dean murmured with a sigh getting their bags out of the back. "Nightmares a dozen, crying out in the night…he's bad and I couldn't…"

"Don't blame yourself" Sam said gripping his shoulders. "You got there in time and rely on that"

Their days there were hellish with Karen the first night screaming at Castiel who could sit and nod along as she ranted at him for his stupidity, the lack of trust in her, and the fact she herself didn't see the evilness in Marcus. Gabriel remained mute throughout simply watching and never straying his eyes away from the semi family breakdown. Anna whimpered and cried sensing the shift and constantly needed attention that Karen wasn't willing to give yet. They stayed up late till at least 2am that day and night talking over everything that left Castiel trembling and shaken up. He promised and swore he would never be this foolish again. Every night Dean would hold him as he slept, whimpered, and woke up with a shout from nightmares of unimaginable things. Castiel clung to him leaving bruises on his back as he wept silently into Dean's t-shirt wanting it to fade, wanting it all to go away. It tore Dean in pieces watching him fall apart around him and needed space after day ten spending time with the family. He left the house while they were all asleep going for a long walk and found himself in the graveyard. The sky was gradually filling with grey clouds and he blinked looking up when droplets of rain hit him.

Dean sighed pulling the zip on his jacket higher walking over to the familiar grave dead with flowers. He sighed with a shake of his head dropping down and chucking them aside as he dropped onto his knees in the wet grass.

"Hey" he said with a small sad smile. "Long time no see…literally…if you're watching then you'll know Cas is…well he's not good at all. That son of a bitch has turned him into a twitchy mess who screams himself hoarse in the night because he dreams Marcus is going to kill and rape him" Dean said in a cracked voice running a hand into his hair with a shiver when a droplet of rain slid down his neck. "I'm trying mom, dad, I'm seriously trying here but he flinches when I touch him in the day like I'm going to hit him…I'd never touch him, I'd never hurt him"

Dean glanced around the empty graveyard feeling a chill from the rain coming down and the emptiness. It was silent, too silent, and his eyes turned to look at the grave.

"I'm only twenty one, twenty two in a few months, and I feel old" he said with a chuckle. "Why does all the crap come to me?"

Dean didn't know how long he was sat there till he heard a rustle and turned to see a drenched Castiel walking towards him.

"Cas?" he said struggling up and catching him when he wrapped his arms around his neck clinging to him. Dean swallowed glancing around a second time as he held him close shushing him and pulled back to look into his wet eyes.

"Why are you here?"

"I woke up and you weren't there" he whispered biting into his lip. "I had a nightmare, again, and you weren't there. Sam told me he saw you leave heading towards here"

"Why didn't you wait? You're soaked" Dean muttered with a sigh.

"So are you"

"Come on" Dean said putting a hand on the grave for a second before tugging him out as they headed down the long road. They reached their local café stepping inside and shaking out the droplets of rain.

"Oh my god"

"Hey, Tina" Dean said with a warm smile for the waitress running the place now. "Two coffees, a doughnut, and the pie I love"

"I don't want a doughnut…"

"Tough you need sugar inside you" Dean said wrapping a hand around the back of his neck feeling Castiel twitch underneath him before relaxing. Castiel sighed sliding into the booth and looking to Dean who shrugged off his wet jacket and nodded at Castiel to do the same.

Tina walked over with a wide smile handing them their coffees and treats. "Enjoy"

"Thanks" Dean said with a wink when she walked away with a pink tinge to her cheeks.

"She's forty seven, Dean"

"She's still an attractive woman"

"Who is married and a grandmother"

"Eat your doughnut" Dean said with a roll of his eyes as he sipped his coffee. "What did you dream about?"

Castiel swallowed his coffee and shrugged. "The same one, I'm with him and he's calling me names, the same names, and he won't let me go. I'm screaming and I'm shouting but no one can hear me and then…he slits my throat. I can't breathe or move but I'm still alive choking on my blood but I won't die…I never do and then he…"

"Rapes you"

Castiel nodded turning his face away and gasping when Dean suddenly appeared in front of him placing his hands on the side of his face staring deep into his eyes.

"It's not real, say it"

"It's not real"

"You're fine, it's over now, Cas, I swear I will never let him or anyone else hurt you again. I promise…these dreams will fade" he said slowly pressing his forehead against his. "Say it"

"I'm fine, they're just dreams" he whispered wrapping his hands around his wrists with a nod. "I'm fine"

"Good, now eat your doughnut, I won't say it again" Dean said letting him go and ignoring Tina's questioning look directed over to them. It got a little easier for the both of them after that as they slipped into a routine but the nightmares didn't stop. It was two weeks into their stay when phone calls from university and the police. They had to go back. University was getting tetchy with their absence despite the fact Dean had called and explained but they needed to get back for the case on Marcus. Karen nearly exploded in nerves when they told her and Castiel hid away in Gabriel's room while Dean attempted to calm her down. The relationship and bond between Gabriel and Castiel had been strained over the past two weeks to the point where only a few words were exchanged between them. It was on the last day when he was hiding was when Gabriel saying nothing simply pulled him into his arms hugging him and expressing words and emotions that way.

"If you ever do this again…if you ever lie, pretend, and act like a complete twat…I'll disown you" Gabriel whispered into his shoulder.

"I promise" Castiel whispered clinging to him. "But you'll have to go through Dean and mom first"

"Hell no, I'll get there first…you never, ever, ever, let anyone push you around, you understand me?" Gabriel hissed pushing him back. "It's a good fucking job that dick is in prison because he'd be dead"

"Gabe…"

"Dead, Cas, I wouldn't stop" he said pushing up and moving away from him. "He hurt you in ways I thought no one would and Dean couldn't even stop it"

"I lied to him, he…he would have never known if he didn't come back"

"It's a good job he did because this would still be going on!" Gabriel shouted back at him. "I felt physically sick when Dean told me, Castiel, I couldn't get a straight head for days because I couldn't stop imagining it! How could you let him do that to you, _you Castiel, _the strong one, the one who doesn't take any bullshit and the one who held onto Dean when he was hitting rock bottom! Where did he go? You're twenty one and you've already been on the receiving end of domestic abuse, blamed for something that wasn't your fault, and I had no idea!"

Castiel flinched curling his hands towards him and bending his head to look down at the soft carpet underneath them.

"He told me it was my fault and I believed him"

Gabriel stared at him before shaking his head and turned his back on him looking out of the window. No more words were spoken between them even when the next day they were saying goodbye it was more a bone crushing hug and he was gone. Sam watched after him biting into his lip and giving his goodbyes before running after him.

"I want a call every day, do you understand me?"

"Yes mom"

"Dean…"

"Yes ma'am" he said with a mock salute poking at Castiel's back as they climbed back into the car driving back home. After that it was a little more downhill when they arrived back and Castiel stayed rooted to the spot staring at the wall and whimpered softly looking at Dean. Dean swallowed hard with a nod bringing him into a hug stroking a hand down his back.

"I was thinking about this the other day and I knew how hard it would be and…Cas, I think we should move" Dean said softly pulling back when Castiel softly gasped.

"Really?"

"Yeah, yeah, how can you heal and move on from this when you're surrounded by the memory?" he said glancing at the wall anger building in his chest. "I can barely be in here"

"But we worked so hard on this place…"

"Well we can work even harder on the next place"

"If you're sure"

"I'll get looking, you go sleep, I know you woke up at 3am, Cas" he said gently nudging him to the couch for a nap. Castiel rolled his eyes sinking down on the couch and curling up before dropping off quicker than Dean anticipated as he sat at the computer desk. He was lost looking in apartments when a knock on the door went and he looked up with a hard swallow glancing at Castiel who shifted in his sleep but remained sleeping. Dean opened it and blinked to see Carmen stood there, her hair shoved back and her eyes wide with bags underneath.

"Hey" she whispered.

"Hi, what are you doing here?"

"I came…I just need to talk to you" she said and nodded when he stepped back pressing a finger to his lips pointing to Castiel sleeping on the couch. Carmen nodded again peeking down at him and swallowing loudly before heading to the kitchen.

"Dean, I am so, so so, sorry for ever introducing him to you" she whispered biting her lip. "I couldn't believe it when I was told and…he's never done anything like this…"

"Don't you dare start making excuses for him!" Dean hissed angrily causing Carmen to jump.

"I-I wasn't…I would never make excuses for him" she said placing a hand on her chest. "It was just a shock"

"It was a shock? Carmen, a shock is when you come back to see your best friend pinned against the wall scared out of his mind as his _boyfriend _threatens to rape him, force him to suck him off, and hits him over and over again" he said in a low cold voice. "That's a shock…your friend is a psychopath and I don't want your sympathy because if I had never been with you or met your fucking friends this would have never happened so do me and yourself a favour and get out"

Carmen stared at him with horror filled eyes as she nodded looking down and heading out as she let out a quiet sob. Dean swallowed hard when the door snapped close and he rubbed the space between his eyebrows. Castiel stirred again with a moan and a whimper. He sighed moving over knowing it was another nightmare as he rubbed his arm up and down.

"It's okay, Cas, it's just a dream" he whispered as he held onto him till he quietened down sleeping more peacefully. Dean pressed his forehead against the couch for a long time before moving back to the laptop finding their new apartment. They needed to get out.

It was the trial first though as they attended it and it was practically a torturing blur for Dean who had to stand or sit as he watched Castiel stand in court. He bit into his thumb meeting his eyes when he looked over to him in fear.

"It's okay" he mouthed over to him with a nod.

Eventually, Dean got what he wanted when Marcus was sentenced to two years in prison. He smiled vindictively when Marcus looked up at him with wide cold eyes as he was led away. Dean couldn't resist flipping him off as he held Castiel close to him.

"It's now over" he said softly into his ear. "We can start moving on now"

Castiel eagerly nodded accepting this as straight after they went to view their new flat which was actually better and bigger than there other with even slightly cheaper rent. They moved out as soon as they could and here they were in the mid spring/summer in the new apartment. They had done their best to make it as homely as possible. Dean was munching on his latest snack thinking over his latest essays and feeling the pressure. It was even harder now in university and with Castiel rushed off his feet acting like a deranged cat it was getting a little suffocating.

He looked up when Castiel came running in looking wild. "Have you seen my notes? The paper with red all over?"

"Nope"

"Dean!"

"Hey, I haven't seen it since you shoved it in my face yesterday, Cas, and I'm sure it's here…you need to chill before you have a stroke" he said putting two hands on his shoulders. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired" he said with a swallow.

"I still think you should take those pills"

"No, I don't want to" he said with a sigh. "I took two and they made me feel weird, out of control, and I don't want to sleep like that. I have to know I'm safe"

Dean stared at him for a long moment and watched as he moved away to his bedroom. Castiel had slept on his own nearly a week ago and seemed to be doing okay. It still made Dean startle awake though when he heard him crying out. Dean didn't like it but he had to do it, he had to let him deal with it. His phone buzzed and he smiled answering the phone.

"Ash"

"How's my man?"

"I'm not your man"

"Whatever, how are you though? I miss you dude!"

"I miss you lot as well…I'm good, Cas is…well Cas is getting there, how's Jo?"

"She's good….really good…she's um, pregnant"

"What?!" Dean said shocked pushing off the side. "What…how?"

"Well…Dean, it's a little thing that happens when a man and a woman feel a urge deep inside them to fuck each other's brains out"

Dean rolled his eyes in frustration. "I know how it happened! I mean the last I heard she was with a guy named Tyler but it wasn't going well"

"It's not but he got my sister up the duff"

"Shit…is she keeping it?"

"Yep, mom is _pissed_" he said with a sigh. "She told me to tell you and she's sorry but at the moment mom is laying it on thick…like butter"

"Shit" he breathed. "She's got to be freaking out"

"More than anything but she's happy, really happy, she's going to be a mom and we're going to be uncles" he said with a snort.

Dean blinked and nodded in agreement. "Yeah…"

Castiel sighed as he pressed against the headboard of his bed resting his chin in the slot of his knees. The nightmares were never ending. They were the same most nights or sometimes they were different and he was running far but knew Marcus was chasing after him he was always killed. He just wanted to forget. He was so sick of feeling afraid, looking over his shoulders, running away when a guy even tried to make a move on him, and he was sick of feeling weak. Castiel looked over to the pot of pills from the doctor and hated how they made him feel.

He breathed out slowly and looked up when Dean knocked walking in and shooting him a small smile.

"I have news"

"What?"

"Jo is pregnant"

"What?" he said softly in shock when he came over sitting next to him. "Who's the father?"

"Apparently a guy called Tyler, a bit of a dick" he said with a snort rubbing his nose glancing over to him. "What's up?"

"I want to forget" he said sitting cross legged on the bed. "I'm tired, Dean, I am so tired, i'm so tired of being scared, weak, pathetic, and Marcus is in prison and I know not every guy is going to hurt me like that but…" he said locking his hands together. "It's like waiting for something bad to happen and it's coming but you don't when so you're constantly on edge, afraid, and I'm sick of it"

"Cas, it's only been a few months and I'm not expecting you to be singing fucking show tunes…you've been through something a lot of people will never know about till it happens to them but you will get over this"

Castiel swallowed not meeting his eyes. Dean huffed flicking his ear till he looked over to him and pointed a finger at him.

"You will, now come on, we're going to eat junk food and watch shit shows till we fall asleep, alright?"

"Yes"

"Come on and don't worry…one day you'll wake up and you won't be afraid anymore, you'll meet someone new who will take care of you for real this time, and it'll be a bad memory"

Castiel desperately wanted to believe and could only watch as Dean moved out of the bedroom leaving him to look at the bottle of pills. He picked them up, opening the cap, and stared at the white pills for a long moment before popping two in his mouth swallowing them down with water. His eyes closed for a long minute before standing up and joining Dean in the living area as they settled to watch soaps and programmes. The pills started to slowly work through his system as he leaned against Dean dozing and content. They made him feel weird, strange, out of control but for once it wasn't that bad but in time it will be the best feeling in the world.

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! Keep them coming. **


	13. Chapter 13

_**September 2014 **_

There's no manual or instruction book when you realise you're actually very, very, much in love with your freak of a best friend and that overwhelming feeling of helplessness doesn't help when you realise you can't really fuck this up. It was warm mouths pressed against other and the slow movement of their bodies as they rocked against each other touching in places that were intimate and theirs now. The bedroom was lightly dimmed as the day drew to an end but Dean could still look into Castiel's eyes as they exchanged breathe, the smell of pure sex, come, sweat, and a hint of cologne from Dean sticking to both of them. It smelled right and Dean couldn't stop his spine arching in pleasure when Castiel gave a thrust deep inside of him pressing against the prostate. It sent shivers and pulses of pleasure tingling all over as his hands reached clinging to his back and he moaned when Castiel brought them to a sitting position. It was both desperate, frantic but most of all loving. His mouth twitched into a smile as they exchanged slow but long kisses. Dean loved he could get this reaction out of him and pressed eagerly against his chest sucking the salted skin as Castiel stroked him to a second release.

His head flopped backwards as he climaxed, his body freezing and locking as he spurted come over his hand across his stomach. Dean blinked feeling exhausted and groaned when Castiel followed soon after. The warmth inside of him spread and he clung to Castiel who stuttered and halted tucking his face into the crook of Dean's neck. Their chests heaved together and the feeling of satisfaction and want rolled off them in waves.

"I love you"

Dean looked up staring into his eyes and felt his lips part as he wavered and nodded speechless. Why was it such a shock? He trailed a hand down his chest before leaning in and pressing his ear over his heart listening to the thump of it. Castiel peered down at him before nuzzling into his hair.

"Why do you do that?" Castiel whispered softly.

Dean remained quiet for a long time simply pressed against the skin over his heart with his eyes closed.

"Why do you think?" Dean murmured against his skin. "Because it reminds me that you're alive"

Castiel swallowed hard above him stroking his hands down his back feeling that cold wave of guilt niggling in his stomach at what he did all those years ago. He nearly ruined everything between them, he remembered the anger, the betrayal and the sharp sting from the punch Dean had thrown at him. It was anger, disgust, and the fragments of their friendship had hung from a friend.

Dean snuffled when Castiel tipped his chin up pressing a kiss to his lips and looking into his eyes for a long minute.

"I'm sorry"

"Shut up and kiss me"

_**September 2007**_

The bedroom was completely quiet apart from the occasional heavy breathe from Castiel as he stared out of the window to the dark world below. The pills he had taken earlier were slowly taking effect as his vision blurred and he felt lightheaded. Since June and he started the process of taking the pills controlling his sleep, his nerves, and his nightmares he hadn't been able to stop and even took them in the day. Dean didn't know that, Dean would never know that and he would make sure of that. He couldn't disappointment him. Castiel swallowed looking down at his phone to see one new message from Dean who was currently out with date 10,067 in Castiel's mind.

U okay? D.

Castiel frowned at the lack of punctuation before thumping back a reply.

Yes. Stop texting me, Dean. C.

He tossed the phone aside and resumed staring out of the window with a small frown etched into his features. The last few months had been both hard and easier as he came to grips with what had happened but it wouldn't fade away, not completely. The pills made him forget, made him lighter than air, made him want to sleep, sing, and forget that a man named Marcus was currently dwelling in prison for abuse and attempted rape. It was all fun and games till the reaction wore off and he woke up screaming and sweating in the middle of night and clinging to Dean who always came running in to comfort him. Castiel was grateful him, he would always be grateful for him but sometimes he felt confined and smothered. He was no damsel in distress and he believed Dean when he told him it would get easier and the nightmares would stop but he wanted it sooner rather than later.

He was so lost in his thoughts that the door opening startled him to jump up standing in the middle of his bedroom breathing hard and quick. His ears strained to hear and he breathed out hearing Dean whispering loudly and a woman giggling. Castiel fought the urge to crawl up in a little ball because of course he would bring her home for sex. Dean was in no mood for commitment but sex? Well that was certainly on the cards. He didn't linger as he collected his jacket and shoes shoving them on and creeping out as the moans and giggles from Dean's room increased. He slammed the door hard on his way out walking down the stairs and out of the apartment not knowing where to go as he kept his head down. Summer was slowly leaving again and autumn starting to slow creep in so the chill was there as he stopped breathless staring up at the bar.

Music blared out mixed with the smell of alcohol and smoke inviting him as he brought out his credit card contemplating the strange place. He hadn't been in this part of town but it had alcohol and that was good enough for him. Castiel stepped in keeping his head low as he pressed against the bar nodding at the bartender who stood in front of him.

"What can I get you?"

"One beer please" he said sitting down on the empty seat glancing around the masses of people. "It's busy"

The bartender hummed in agreement sliding it over and holding his hand out for the money. Castiel sighed softly passing it over and pocketing his change as he slipped his beer feeling sad and pathetic. His eyes roamed around and paused at the guy staring over at him with a keen interest in his eyes. He was an attractive man with wavy light brown hair and grey eyes showing nothing but interest but the interest was not wanted as he looked away with a scowl. He drank back his drink drinking more and more of it till it was gone and he slammed the glass down signalling for another.

"Let me guess…troubles?" a smooth voice said.

Castiel couldn't stop the flinch as he glanced at the attractive stranger and inched away. "Leave me alone"

"I'm Jackson by the way" he said drumming his fingers on the bar.

"I think I told you to leave me alone"

"I know you did but you're looking upset and troubled and well…I'm a fucking good listener" he said with a grin. "Come on, what's your name?"

"Castiel" he said in a soft voice reaching into his pocket and bringing out two pills as he popped them into his mouth. "Not drugs before you ask"

"Medication"

"Yes" he said with a shrug. "It makes me forget"

Jackson eyed him curiously as he sipped from the green bottle in his hand. "Forget what?"

"I do not know you, I am not about to tell my life story to someone I don't know"

"Wow…you have issues don't you?"

"Leave me alone…now" he said turning his head away.

"Do they work?" Jackson said with a tilt of his head ignoring Castiel's request.

"Do what work?"

Jackson smirked pointing at his mouth. "Those pills…do they really make you forget?"

"Some of the time" he murmured shying away from him again. The close contact with him was making him uneasy. "Why are you still here?"

"I like to listen and comfort"

"Why don't I believe you?" Castiel said slowly looking up at him. "I want you to leave me alone"

"So you can drink alone…knocking back your pills…it's a little sad" he muttered softly with a small smile. "I'll sit here in silence then"

"Sit in silence over there" Castiel said pointing at his previous seat.

"No" he murmured.

Castiel huffed irritated by him and turned away ignoring him completely as more drinks were drank between them.

"So…" Jackson said feeling a little livelier now. "How old are you?"

"What?" Castiel muttered glancing over to him with narrowed eyes.

"When did your mother shoot you out of her vagina my good friend" he said with a cackle of laughter. Castiel frowned looking away.

"You have a rather vulgar way of putting things and if you really need to know then I am twenty two" he said with a sigh. "Why do you want to know?"

"Curiosity" he murmured with a snort. "So, why are you here all alone?"

"Because I want to be and my best friend is fucking a waitress"

"Oh really" Jackson murmured softly glancing over to him. "Does that bother you?"

"No"

"I sense a bit of bullshit, no, a lot of bullshit"

"I don't really care what you think" Castiel murmured knocking back his drink and wincing at the burn in the back of his throat. "I care about getting very drunk"

"I thought you wanted to forget?"

"By any means necessary" he muttered pushing up and walking towards the toilets. Jackson hummed watching after him and followed him in. Castiel whirled eyeing the small space and backed up shaking his head.

"Get out!"

"Oh relax, I'm not that sleazy sweetheart…I have something though that you might like" he said stepping towards him. "Open your mouth"

"Get out!" Castiel shouted pushing him back and pausing when he brought out a bag full of pills. "What are…what are those?"

"Happy pills to make you forget"

"Drugs" Castiel said with a sneer.

"If that's what you fancy calling them"

"Are you insane?"

"Possibly" Jackson said with a smile. "You don't have to, it's just a suggestion but I know what you mean, okay, I know what it means to forget, push those bad memories away in a little box and just…forget"

Castiel swallowed hard eyeing the bag and Jackson as he stepped closer to him again. "You have a time you want to forget?"

"Two years is no justice…you never forget, Castiel, but you can lock it away with a little help" he said opening the little bag and holding one out on his finger. "Well…"

"It won't kill me will it?"

"No, you'll get a buzz"

Castiel hesitated for a long moment before nodding opening his mouth and swallowing down the pill Jackson placed on his tongue. Jackson grinned stroking a hand down the side of his face not caring when Castiel flinched back.

"Are you ready to fly?"

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean stared down at his hands waiting patiently for Castiel to return and ignoring the fact it was nearly 2am, he was ignoring his calls and messages and he was tetchy wanting to run out there and find him. He was about to collect his stuff when the door opened and a crashed startled him as he looked at Castiel on the floor.

"Cas?" he said in concern hauling him up and smacking his cheek gently. "Come on, wake up"

"Dean" he slurred opening one eye and grinning. "D-Dean, I can't see"

"What?" Dean said in concern staring at him. "How much have you had?"

"I drank it out, it's all gone" he said dramatically stumbling into the living room and swaying as he looked around. "The colours…Dean, the colours"

"Yeah…okay, time for bed" Dean insisted tugging him to his bedroom so Castiel trailed behind with a snort.

"Where…where's the girl?" Castiel murmured closing his eyes and feeling the lasting effects from the drug wearing off. It had been a successful effect and Castiel enjoyed the effect a lot more than he thought he would. The world became a lot more manageable.

"She went home hours ago" Dean murmured helping him out of his clothes. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Drinking a lot" he murmured with a chuckle clinging to Dean.

"Dude, you reek…come on, shower instead" he said holding his hand as he led him to the bathroom stumbling and protesting.

"D-Don't need shower, Dean" he whined when he turned it on testing the water before shoving Castiel in. Castiel gasped as the lukewarm water hit him gradually warming up slowly.

"Well you need one and for once I'm the sober one buddy" he said grabbing the soap and stilling Castiel who chuckled when he washed him down.

"Tickles, Dean"

Dean rolled his eyes averting his eyes away from Castiel's now soaked boxer shorts. He was only thankful he left them on or this could have been a lot more awkward. Castiel hummed sleepily when Dean turned the shower off dragging him out and patting him down with a towel.

"Can I ban you from drinking as well?"

"Nope" he said popping the "p" and leaning heavily against Dean who sighed gripping the back of his neck to steady him.

"I heard you run out before…it wasn't because of me and…um" Dean said trailing off as he desperately tried to name the woman.

"You forgot" Castiel mumbled into his shoulder.

"Kinda, she was hot though"

"They always are"

Dean huffed hauling him back towards the bedroom. "Bed time"

Castiel hummed leaning against him before falling back onto his bed and pouting at Dean who draped the duvet over him.

"Stay with me?"

"Are you sure?"

Castiel nodded eyes slipping close as he listened to Dean sigh softly stripping out of pants till he was in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers.

"Move up"

Castiel moaned shifting up and opening his eyes when the bedroom was plunged into darkness. He turned on his side looking at Dean who frowned bemused at him.

"What?"

"My head feels weird…" he murmured reaching out of the covers to trace the air with his hands. "Everything feels…weird"

"You're weird not shut up and go to sleep" he muttered dragging his hands down and shutting his eyes for a well needed rest.

"Dean…"

"What?"

"I'll never forget will I?" he slurred pressing closer to him till he opened his eyes. Dean's eyes flashed in concern as he shook his head.

"No but you will move on"

"I forgot tonight, Dean, he doesn't exist" he whispered with a hard swallow.

"Good but I don't think drinking is going to help, Cas, you made me promise"

"You kept it" he murmured opening his eyes to look into his.

Dean nodded feeling sleepy and a little ill from the smell of soap and alcohol still radiating from Castiel who pressed his forehead against Dean's.

"Would you do anything for me?"

"Yeah, Cas, but it's the same for you…and I want you to go to sleep"

"Will you always protect me?"

"Yes, Cas" Dean said with a sigh tugging his head away burying it into the pillow. "Now shut up because it's 2.30am right now and as much as I like you…I will kill you"

"Will you kill me?"

"No but I will if you don't shut up!"

"I don't want to die" he protested softly and huffing when Dean reached out covering his mouth with a firm hand.

"Cas, go to sleep" he murmured with a groan.

Castiel huffed annoyed removing his hand and seeking comfort as he shuffled close to his warmth drifting off into an alcohol/drug induced sleep.

Castiel knew he was dreaming because it couldn't be real, they never were but why did it feel so real this time?

"You're pathetic, a waste of time, no one will ever love you" Marcus hissed into his ear as he pinned him onto the bed. "Dean, Dean is never going to want you…is he? Say it"

"This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real" he repeated shutting his eyes and moaning in pain when he felt a jab to his stomach.

"Oh this is real, Castiel, this is very, very real" he hissed gripping his jaw and clenching hard. The pain felt more than real as he screamed fighting under his grip.

"No, no, no, no" he whispered with a sob needing to get out but his body wasn't responding as he struggled in vain.

"Say it!"

"No, no…"

"Say it!" he shouted down at him.

"He'll…he'll never want me" he said with a small sob squeezing his eyes closed.

The dream Marcus above him hummed in approval before doing what he always did and slashing his throat. The pain felt very real as his hands reached up clutching his throat feeling the wet slide of hot blood pulsing around his hands. Castiel struggled for breath above him but he wouldn't die as he watched Marcus above him smiling viciously. It was brutal, cold, and more than terrifying as he felt hands on his belt and he couldn't even cry out. It was the shock that brought him out as he felt hands on his shoulders and a familiar voice shouting his name as he opened his eyes feeling cold streaks down his cheeks.

"Cas, it's okay, it's okay, it's just a dream!" Dean shouted bringing him close and soothing him as he stroked his back and swallowed hard when he clung to him. It was the rocking motion that calmed him down as he breathed in Dean's smell looking at the bottle on the nightstand.

"It's just a dream" Dean soothed to him softly.

"I need the toilet" Castiel murmured avoiding his eyes as he climbed off him grabbing the bottle discreetly before hurrying inside. He slammed the door shaking three out as he took them and slumped to the ground with a sob. It wasn't getting any better no matter how many times he told himself. His mind flew to Jackson who hours before handed him his phone number and told him to call if he needed anymore which he did. It was one step forward and three steps back.

**A/N: Sorry for late update. I've been very sick and lost my job so times are hard so thank you for your feedback.**


	14. Chapter 14

_**December 2007**_

"I'm like a house, Dean, a house" Jo cried down the phone as he sat down on the couch sipping his drink. "I'm so big and the twins are constantly kicking, squirming, and I'm going to murder him for doing this to me"

"You're pregnant, it comes with the package"

"It sucks! You boys, you stupid boys have got it so _easy _while us girls carry the children for nine months, push it out a hole the size of a lemon with all the blood and the screaming, and you lot sit back and wait it out! Women are awesome and we are so much better than you" Jo ranted down the phone to him till Dean was holding the phone away from his ear with a wince.

"I admire you so much, Jo, believe me"

Jo huffed out an annoyed sound. "Anyway…you called for a reason"

"Yeah…" Dean said glancing around the empty living area. "It's Cas…he's acting weird, really weird, I don't know what's going on with him"

"Okay, tell me the full story dear because I'm a little confused"

Dean settled back in the cushions with a long drawn out sigh.

"I don't even know how to start, Jo, it just…Cas has not been the same since Marcus with the dreams and all the shit to go along with it and I was getting used to it, I was doing my hardest to be there and I figured it was working but now I'm not too sure"

"Why?" Jo said shoving a piece of bread into her mouth.

"He's avoiding me, he's easily annoyed now, if I'm near him he'll snap at me, I'm banned from his bedroom and he's constantly going out now. Um, two weeks ago our rent was due and I had to bail him out because his money is just…going and I don't know where" Dean said looking towards the window to see the falling snow. "He's so different but in image as well, the bags under his eyes are horrendous, he's skinnier, he's moodier, he's constantly sleeping, drinking, and I'm losing him bit by bit"

Jo hummed softly down the line to him. "He's been through a traumatic experience, Dean, he's probably still healing"

"I know, Jo, and I'm not denying that but it's been months now and I don't want him healing like this…I'm losing my best friend here" he said rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "I don't know what to do! Every time I reach out to help him he turns me away or runs out of here saying he needs fresh air or meeting "friends" and shit like that"

"Is he not allowed to have friends?"

"Yeah but he doesn't communicate with people well so it's a bit of a surprise"

"Just try and talk to him again and if that doesn't work…tie him down"

"You suck at advice"

"Fuck off, Winchester"

Dean chuckled at the sharpness in her tone. "Okay, don't piss off the pregnant lady"

"You're clever, Dean, and he's your best friend and he always will be so just talk to him, sit him down, and make him listen before he spirals out of control"

Dean inhaled deeply with a nod. "Okay, okay, I'll try"

"Good now I'm leaving because my bladder is suddenly a trampoline for twin number two" she said with a pained moan.

"Okay"

"Love you, Dean!"

"Yeah, yeah" he said with a playful eye roll hanging up and putting his phone down. He looks towards Castiel's room with a thoughtful hum knowing he shouldn't but he couldn't resist as he stood up heading to the bedroom door. Dean pushed it open gently peering in and pausing at the sight of a messy bedroom and feeling a punch to his gut. Castiel was not messy. He liked his bedroom neat and tidy and constantly ridiculed Dean for having a messy bedroom and called him a "pig" for living in a messy room.

Dean stepped inside looking around the papers from his essays and research, the clothes strewn about the bedroom, and the rumpled bed. He sat down on the bed reaching out and trailing his hand across the pillow for a moment before pulling his hand away to go for a root around the door he got to the wardrobe when he heard the door and panicked. Dean was not really good at quick thinking so picked up washing and walked out casually.

Castiel paused staring at Dean and then his bedroom. "What….what were you doing in there?"

"Washing, dumbass" Dean lied casually taking it to the washing machine.

"I told you not to go in my room, Dean!"

"Chill! I didn't look through your precious things" he shouted back harshly enough for Castiel to flinch back and nod. "No, sit down…now"

Castiel doubled back staring at Dean confused before sitting down still huddled in his coat, gloves, and scary with a beanie hat on his head. Dean hated to admit it but he looked downright adorable like that and couldn't resist smiling at him before sitting down.

"Okay hot-stuff, do you want to explain to me while you look like a reject from a Michael Jackson video and avoiding little old me" he said perching on the coffee table in front of him.

"I'm not avoiding you…"

"Oh but you are and you know you are and then there's the going out nearly every night, coming home all drunk and acting like a complete freak, and missing out on rent, your bedroom is a state and I just…I'm worried about you"

"I'm fine"

"You're a fucking liar"

"I'm fine! I'm perfectly fine!" Castiel shouted at him moving away and gasping when Dean tugged him back with an angry scoff.

"Oh yeah fine and fucking dandy are we now?" he said staring into his eyes which stared back wide with fear and confusion. "You're a mess and I want to know what the hell is going on with you because I'm scared dude, I'm scared for you"

"Well don't be…I'm fine, Dean, I'm getting there" he said looking down as he tugged off his gloves. "I will pay you back for that rent, I swear, I'm just low this month"

"Swear to me"

"I swear" he said softly looking away and towards his bedroom. "Can I go now? I need sleep"

Dean nodded watching him leave and shut the door behind him with a final click. Dean didn't believe him. Castiel leaned against his door breathing hard and fast feeling nerves flutter hard in his chest. It was a constant close call with Dean who he was constantly lying to, avoiding and praying he wouldn't find the empty bottles of pills in his bottom drawer or the empty packets from the pills he bought from Jackson. If someone told him months ago that Jackson would be his private drug dealer he would have laughed but this was not the case now and the money, the money they needed was going towards pills, drugs, and anything to make him forget, make the nightmares disappear completely and in doing that all he had to do was lie.

But the more he lied to Dean, his mother back home who constantly called worried and he brushed her off like it was nothing, Gabriel and even Sam who were suffering through their own problems as he whined to him about Sam now being eighteen, nearly nineteen, and how he couldn't have him, he couldn't, but he really did and Sam was growing to be even more gorgeous every day and it wasn't fair and Sam moaning about Gabriel fucking everything that breathed and not paying attention to him. It was tiring and he couldn't be bothered with it anymore and cruelly told Sam to get over it. He only prayed Sam didn't tell Dean and he didn't.

Castiel pushed off the door taking the bottle of pills out of his bag and popping three into his mouth as he lay down on the bed needing to sleep. The pills were slipping away slowly with every intake and even the drugs from ecstasy, marijuana, and even once heroin but he disliked it a lot not wanting to try it again despite stories you would become instantly addicted. He did not like it.

They were into his system now and the nightmares had not affected him in a long time. Castiel only saw colours, stars, and a world he didn't know. It was addictive and he loved it. He was dozing on his bed when he was startled awake with Dean knocking on his door. Castiel dared a glance at his secret stash before jumping up and staring at the plate of food Dean thrusted at him.

"Eat"

"What?"

"Eat before I force feed you it"

"Oh" Castiel murmured taking the plate and nodding. "Thank you"

"Out here as well because I never see you anymore and I miss your pretty face" Dean ordered stepping back and pointing at the table. Castiel swallowed hard feeling his vision blur and he nodded stepping out and sitting at the table.

Dean eyed him as he practically stumbled into the chair before eating in slow bites. He swallowed hard turning on the TV and sitting down opposite him. His eyes zeroed on the shakiness of his hand and he reached out wrapping a hand around his wrist.

"What?"

"Why are you shaking?"

"I don't…probably tiredness"

"Is it your nightmares?"

"No"

Dean frowned letting go of him. He didn't like this at all. They ate dinner together in silence until Castiel pushed his plate away with a soft moan not wanting to eat anymore. Dean frowned deeper at the near enough full plate and directed the look at Castiel who swallowed with a shrug. He was about to open his mouth when his phone buzzed and he looked down at his phone. Dean watched carefully at the brightness suddenly in his eyes and the urgency as he jumped up grabbing his jacket.

"Whoa…where the hell are you going?"

"I didn't think I needed your permission to leave, Dean" he said pulling it on again with his gloves, scarf, and beanie.

"No you don't but…"

"Stop coddling me, Dean, I'm a big boy now" he snapped at Dean who blinked watching him walk out leaving Dean in the apartment alone with nothing but the TV for company. He sighed reaching for his phone needing company himself as he called a girl for "company"

Castiel knocked on the door of the apartment and coughed a little when the door opened to reveal Jackson in nothing but a pair of jeans.

"How's my gorgeous boy?" Jackson cooed clearly high and kissing his forehead.

"I need anything you have" he said desperately.

Jackson laughed with a nod appraising him. "Nothing is free in this dumb old world…what do you have on you right now?"

"$30"

"You're kidding me" Jackson said with a snort shaking his head. "Go take one of your tablets"

"There not working properly"

"Not my problem"

"You text me…Jackson, please, I will pay you back" he pleaded and gasped when Jackson walked over stroking a hand down his cheek.

"You're so pretty…you do know that, right? Look, it'll have to do for now but $30 is not good enough, not nearly good enough but its money so…" he said holding out his hand for the money and passed a bag over to him. "Be careful…I don't want another incident this week"

"What do you mean?"

Jackson hummed grabbing a beer and sitting down. "Remember Harry?"

"The blonde haired guy with the strange mole on his face"

"The very one" Jackson muttered with a nod. "He took a bad hit, a very bad one, and he died in his girlfriend's arms…he was choking on his own blood…freaking out saying that monsters were out to get him and everyone he loved"

"Did…did you sell him the drugs?"

"No, the bastard came around, I refused him and he stole them" he said with a wrinkle of disgust. "I didn't realise till later and the guy who supplies them to me was not a happy fucking bunny so it was either a bad hit or a bullet to his head"

Castiel swallowed hard fearfully putting the bag in his jacket pocket. "Does it happen a lot of the time?"

"I wouldn't worry it happening to you gorgeous, you've been very good with them" he said with a wink. "Anymore nightmares?"

"No"

"Good"

"Can I stay here?"

Jackson grinned patting the space next to him while Castiel slipped a pill into his mouth dropping down next to him. Castiel closed his eyes when Jackson ran a hand into his hair with a pleasant hum.

Dean lay on his back and stared at Clara dressing in front of him as she slipped her red dress on.

"Good ride" she said with a wink blowing him a kiss before grabbing her heels and leaving. He swallowed hard pushing up feeling dirty and used. It felt a well-used feeling now and he was kind of sick of it but it didn't stop him. He hauled himself up with one motive in his mind as he stormed into Castiel's bedroom haunting around for something, anything, which would give him one clue towards Castiel's strange behaviour. It was only when Dean reached the drawer that his heart stopped and he switched on Castiel's lamp flooding the bedroom in a warm orange glow.

"Oh my…" Dean murmured pulling the empty bottles out and little bags. The realisation hit him like a punch to his stomach or actually like a brick to his face that it was drugs. Dean sucked in a long breath before collapsing on the floor head in his hands, hands clutched at his hair and he desperately tried to stay strong. It made sense. It all made sense from his behaviour, the dramatic change to his appearance, the anger, the shakiness, the everything towards Castiel taking drugs to numb the pain and make everything just go away. He pushed up pulling the drawer out and taking it with him as he sat on the couch and swallowed hard.

Castiel left Jackson snoring in his chair when the effects wore off hours later and he stumbled home feeling strange and exhausted. He opened the door and stepped inside closing it quietly not wanting to wake Dean when the light went on and he turned violently staring at Dean in shock.

"Why are you sitting in the dark?" he whispered and coughed hitting his chest.

Dean smiled softly at him before pointing at the table. "Sit…please"

"Is everything okay?"

"Um, no…no, not really" Dean murmured staring at him with hard eyes. "See I have a problem, a big problem that I need to sort as soon as possible before this problem escalates and I am stood at a funeral"

Castiel frowned not knowing what he was talking about till Dean pursued his lips bringing out the drawer that stopped his heart and breath. He opened his mouth in an exhale that hurt his chest when Dean tipped them on the floor. It felt like when someone gives you bad news or someone knows you're lying. It's that horrible feeling running in your stomach and chest, the beat of your heart speeds up and the sweat in your hands erupts.

"Do you want to explain this to me?" he said in a soft voice that terrified Castiel.

"It's the pills the doctor gave to me"

"You're a liar"

"No, no, the first ones…they were from the doctor and he wouldn't give me anymore…"

"So you decided to get more? Order them from the internet?"

"Dean…"

"What about these?" Dean snapped holding up the packets. "Please don't tell me these are what I am thinking, Cas"

"I'm…Dean, I'm so…"

Dean's last nerve snapped as he stood up kicking the table over hard enough for it to dent and Castiel to gasp in shock.

"What have you been taking?!" Dean shouted at him furiously.

"Dean…"

"Tell me!"

Castiel bit into his trembling bottom lip, his breath shaky as he stared up at Dean. "I…it's mostly ecstasy"

The word hit Dean like a truck and he covered his mouth with a shaky hand. "I can't believe you've just said that to me…is that all?"

"No, marijuana sometimes" he whispered.

"Do you not realise how dangerous that is!?" Dean shouted turning to Castiel who flinched with a nod staring down at his hands.

"No, no, no you fucking don't you absolute idiot! Ecstasy? It's a killer, Cas, a fucking killer and you sit there casually telling me you're taking it?!"

"I'm sorry" Castiel cried with a sob when Dean kicked the table again and again till it broke. Dean turned breathing hard moving to the window.

"Why?" he whispered.

"Why do I take it?" he said in reply tears falling quick down his cheeks.

"Yes"

"Because it makes me forget, Dean, it makes me forget what he did to me, what nearly happened and it makes me forget my nightmares. I'm completely numb; I'm lost in a hazy world where he can't get me" he said in a croaky voice.

Dean huffed shaking his head and staring down at the floor. "Just when I thought you couldn't fall or get any lower than you are now"

"Dean…"

"How long has this been going on?"

"Few months"

"Who's your dealer?"

"What?"

"Who gives you the drugs?"

"His name is Jackson"

Dean swallowed hard closing his eyes and suddenly feeling very tired. "You've been lying to me again…haven't you?"

"I'm sorry, I am so, so, sorry"

"You've been lying to me all this time, every time I asked…just like before and now you're too far gone" Dean said more to himself as he stared down at the bottles. "I thought it was me…I mean, you were getting better and then you went downhill…I even called Jo to ask her and you were lying…sneaking away to get high…ignoring me, avoiding me, and look at you…you don't even see yourself do you?"

Castiel crumbled looking away from him with sobs racking his body. Dean scoffed with laughter. "You're a mess, Cas, a fucking mess and you're up to your neck in drugs and all sorts of shit that I don't know anything about! How am I meant to fix this?!"

"I just wanted to forget!"

"I don't know even know you anymore!" Dean shouted back at him so Castiel closed his eyes with a heartbroken sob. "Where's my best friend? Where's the guy who came and fetched me from a park when I was so upset about my…mom, where's the guy who kept me strong, who made me promise never to hurt you again, who kept my fighting because I couldn't face letting _you _down. You're not him, you're not my best friend, you're not my Cas, you're a shell of this man who would rather lie to me and take drugs to forget about being abused by a waste of air…I could have helped you so much more and…look at you! You're a fucking disaster, Cas, you're shaking, you're…hooked on drugs that _will kill you. _How could you lie to me?! I'm your best friend! All we have is each other and you would rather shove me away for a hit?!"

Castiel gasped when Dean tugged him up hands clutching at his shoulders and neck. Tears wouldn't stop falling as he clung to Dean who shoved him away till he hit the couch and fell on the floor.

"I am sorry I-I lied to you, Dean, I am so…so sorry because I know how much I have disappointed you…it was a bad time and Jackson was just there, he told me it would help and I just…" he cried to him curling in on himself with a harsh sob. "I never wanted to hurt you…"

"Too late"

"What?"

"Hurt me? You've done it, badly" he snarled at him till Castiel broke down into his hands. Dean couldn't feel any remorse for him right now as he stormed over gripping his wrist and tugging him up taking in the sight of a clearly remorseful and sobbing Castiel as he gasped and stood on unsteady legs.

"There's no point in me pleading with you to stop is there?" he hissed at him ignoring the whimpers escaping from his lips. "You're too far gone!"

"Dean, please, I can stop, I will stop for you"

"No, no, that's a lie, again! If you cared, if you seriously cared then you wouldn't have started!"

"I…"

"You just wanted to forget" Dean said interrupting him. "I know, I know, okay? I know you want to forget and I know how hard this has been for you, Cas, because I can see it with my own pretty green eyes but this? This is a disaster!"

"What-what do I do?" he said with a desperate cry clinging to him. "How do I stop? It won't go away, Dean, it's like an itch under my skin"

Dean let go of him in disgust so he crumbled again dropping to his knees on the floor.

"I don't know…I just don't know…I need to get out of here" Dean said closing his eyes for a moment before opening them and getting his jacket.

Castiel gasped shaking his head and struggled up gripping his hands. "No, no, please don't leave me; please don't leave like this…"

"Cas, I have to get out of here before I do something I really regret"

"Dean, please!" he begged when Dean tugged his hands away.

"Cas, if I don't leave I'm going to end up hitting you or killing you!" he shouted at him so he stepped back with eyes trembling with fear and remorse. "You don't even realise do you?! I can't even look at you right now so I'm leaving before I slam your head into that door to knock fucking sense into you"

Dean stormed out almost immediately after as he slammed the door hard enough for the walls to shake. Castiel broke down into his hands curling into a small ball on the floor feeling every single dark feeling flood out of him in tears as he fell and fell till he was at his lowest crumbled on the ground surrounded by his secrets, lies, and the crumbles of a trust shattered into a million pieces.

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I promise it will get better, well you already know it will, but it will start to get better. **


	15. Chapter 15

_**December 2007**_

Castiel knew he was alone the moment he woke up and looked at the ceiling from where he was still curled on the living room floor. His bones were stiff and his back ached as he stretched out glancing around but he called for him anyway.

"Dean"

He stood up with a low moan, his eyes were sore from crying most of the night away in grief and guilt from what he had done, his bones, muscles, and strangely his skin ached from sleeping on the floor all night and the withdrawal already from not taking the tablets and pills. Castiel swallowed hard at the lack of response and looked down at the scattered bottles before gasping and collecting them together to chuck each and every single one into the bin including the bag in his pocket. It was all gone and he sighed deeply reaching for his phone dialling Dean's number hearing it ring and ring till he reached voicemail.

"Dean, it's me, can you come home? We need to talk, properly, and I just…please?" he pleaded into the phone before hanging up and moving to drop on the sofa. His hands shook gently in his lap and he moaned pushing his face into the cushion feeling sick. He hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon but the thought of eating now was not happening. He didn't know how long he was there waiting for Dean after a series of toilet trips, eating crackers, and suffering through shakiness and withdrawal. It was 7pm when the door went and he shuffled up from the couch and balked staring at the faces of Karen and Gabriel alongside Dean who looked rough and tired.

"Mom…Gabriel?" he whispered when Karen stepped towards with wide eyes.

"Tell me it isn't true baby"

"Mom?" he whispered looking to Dean who avoided his eye contact. "What's he said?"

"Drugs" she said softly taking his hands. "Oh Castiel"

"I'm sorry" he whispered pleadingly to her clinging to her hands and swallowing hard.

Karen shook her head staring down at the carpet for what felt like forever before releasing her hand and slapping him hard against the cheek. Both Gabriel and Dean flinched back at the sound and in sympathy when Castiel gasped tears flooding his eyes as he clutched at his cheek.

"You stupid, stupid, boy" she shouted at him. "I thought I raised you better than this! Drugs, Castiel, drugs are not some sort of play toy or passing fancy. Are you actually this stupid?"

"I just…I needed to forget" he said desperately when Karen pulled him into that special hug a mother can only do.

"Is it just me who feels like they're in a constant nightmare?" Gabriel muttered looking to Dean who closed his eyes with a nod. Karen soothed him as she petted his hair and pulled back cupping his cheeks.

"I will sort this, okay? We're going to get you better, sweetheart, and I will not stop till you're clean" she said slowly. "What we're going to do first is you are going to pack your things and you're coming back with me"

"I can't…there is university and everything…"

"No, no buts, no nothing because I will personally explain to them and you are doing this whether you like it or not because you are damaged, Castiel, and you are addicted to drugs now so pack your things"

"Are you coming?" Castiel said to Dean who opened his mouth and shook his head.

"Well I'm not coming"

"Cas…" Gabriel started but was interrupted by Castiel protesting loudly.

"I will not go anywhere without him" he said pointing at Dean who pressed his lips together in a tight line. "I'm not…I'm not going without you"

"Cas…"

"No, Dean"

"Dean, just come with us before I punch him out cold" Gabriel cried loudly when Castiel invaded Dean's personal space.

"Please"

Dean sniffed deeply before nodding and heading towards his bedroom.

"He's angry with me"

"Do you blame him?!"

"Gabriel" Karen said sharply touching Castiel's arm and leading him to his bedroom. Castiel packed under the watchful eye of his mother as he collected clothes, work, and other essentials shoving them into a suitcase while Gabriel helped Dean pack his things.

"How could you be so stupid?"

"I wasn't thinking" he said to Karen who just looked at him disappointed and even slightly afraid. "Mom, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry"

"Yeah I know" she said nodding at the suitcase as she walked out and they walked to see Dean and Gabriel waiting in silence.

"Come on" Gabriel said with a gesture of his head as they collected their things and walk to the car outside. Snow fell on top of them slowly as they shoved the bags into the back and climbed into the car for the journey back. Castiel glanced over to Dean who was sat next to him in the back looking out of the window pointedly ignoring him. The guilt stroked him cold and harshly enough for him to reach out and touch his hand in question.

"What?" he whispered looking over to him. The radio played Christmas songs in the background while Karen and Gabriel sat in the front ignoring them.

"I'm so sorry"

"I know you are but I don't believe you, you need to prove it to me" Dean muttered glancing over and holding still when Castiel hesitantly put his head on his shoulder.

"What happened when you left?"

"I stormed around in the snow, punched a tree…" he said showing Castiel his hand in the dark and Castiel could just about see the broken skin on the knuckles. "I then made the best decision I could by driving back to Kansas and well…you need family and professional help"

"You could have done it"

"No, I failed" Dean said resting his cheek on top of his head. "I failed you"

"No" Castiel whispered. "I failed you"

Gabriel glanced over to Karen who met his eyes in a silent acknowledgement that was private only to them. Dean closed his eyes falling into a sleep while Castiel practically climbed on top of him to go to sleep as well. The drive back was silent and long as Karen protested against Gabriel's advice to stay in a motel and that she needed to get back for Anna and Sam.

Castiel woke up with an overwhelming pain spreading across his body and the need to numb it. He needed a pill, a tablet, anything. His entire body bent in on itself and he moaned in pain while Dean who had woken up in confusion attempting to soothe him.

"Withdrawal" Karen said with a nod as she stared forward and listened to Dean shushing his whimpers of pain and quiet begging to Dean who refused him every time.

"Go to sleep, Cas" Dean ordered bringing him down to his shoulder and stroking a hand down his back. The anger was still there dwelling deep down waiting to erupt again but he hated seeing him in so much pain so comfort and reassurance it was for now. Gabriel scowled pushing his thumb into his teeth to chew on the skin feeling so helpless. He hated more than anything watching his family suffer and if it wasn't abuse it was now drugs causing him to whimper in pain in the back of his car because his withdrawal was already kicking in. They arrived home quickly after that as Dean hauled Castiel out keeping a firm hand on him as they walked up to the front door. Sam opened the door in greeting to them and Dean watched as his eyes narrowed in concern taking in Castiel.

"Is he okay?"

"No" Dean said not even trying to cover it up as he put him on the couch and shushed him when he flailed. "It's okay, shush, it's okay"

"Dean…"

"Not now, Sam" he muttered looking up to him. "I'll explain later, okay?"

"Okay" Sam agreed looking at Gabriel who met his eyes for a moment before hauling the bags upstairs to the bedroom. Karen was busy on the phone as she made calls to different places for help.

"Dean, I need something, anything, please" he pleaded reaching up to him and wrapping his hands into his jacket.

"No, no way in hell, do you understand me? No more, no more drugs or tablets or anything" he said in a low voice wrapping his hands around his wrists. "You need to get off them, Cas, and the only way is like this and I know it hurts, I know the urge because I had a drinking problem and I still kinda do but I stopped for _you _and now you need to do the same like you said yesterday"

"Okay" Castiel whispered nodding over and over again closing his eyes. "Okay"

Sam looked over to Gabriel and sighed. "Are we sure they're not secretly married?"

"If they were I wouldn't want to be knocking their fucking heads together to knock some sense and make them realise"

"Can I throw a party when it happens?"

"Sure thing kiddo" Gabriel murmured with a smirk when Sam chuckled despite the situation as they made drinks.

Karen walked in looking at Dean comforting Castiel clearly in pain over his situation and nodded.

"We're putting him in rehab" Karen said startling all three of them.

"What? Like with the celebrities" Gabriel said in confusion.

"No, Gabriel" Karen said rolling her eyes. "Drug and alcohol rehabilitation, a friend knows of one and Castiel is going tomorrow whether he likes it or not"

Dean nodded looking down at him on the couch and stroking a hand across his damp forehead till he was calm and drifting off to sleep. Gabriel snorted when Sam muttered something low over to him causing Dean to turn and glare at the pair of them.

"Whatever it is, stop it…now" Dean said in a warning tone as he stood up brushing his hands down his jeans and storming into the kitchen. Gabriel rolled his eyes walking over and dropping down in front of Castiel while he slept. Dean leaned against the counter breathing out slowly and harshly until Sam stopped in front of him eyes wide with concern.

"So…?"

"Cas has been taking drugs, ecstasy, sleeping tablets, and marijuana" he said with a sigh staring down at the lino. "I confronted him last night"

"I guess it didn't go too well" Sam murmured nodding at his slightly swollen and damaged hand. Dean hummed with a nod inspecting it before tucking it under his arm.

"I kicked a table to death and punched a tree in pure anger…if it wasn't the tree or the table it would have been Cas because I was that angry, Sam, and I couldn't and still can't believe he would lie to me like that" he said rubbing his forehead.

"Do you forgive him?"

"No"

Sam bit into his lip glancing over to Castiel now fast asleep on the couch with Gabriel close by him watching the television whilst Karen was upstairs attending to Anna.

"I'll forgive him when he gets better, he gets clean, and I can rebuild this trust because right now…I'm not too sure I can" Dean muttered turning his back on him as he hunted around for food.

The next day Karen took Castiel to the drug rehabilitation centre while Dean waited at home with Gabriel, Sam and Anna. It was a long wait as he stared at the TV feeling trapped and felt confided.

"I'm going out" Dean muttered pulling on his jacket as he walked out ignoring the protests from Gabriel and Sam as he walked down the road looking around the neighbourhood he had left behind and had been his childhood. His feet took him towards the one place he prayed he would never see again. The wind was bitterly cold as it whipped around him and he stared up at his old house. The memories of his mom came flooding back and he bit into his lip feeling a surge of guilt and grief he didn't know still had. Dean carried on walking away from the still empty house towards the church to visit the parents. The walk was good and the fresh air felt nice as he breathed it in pushing open the squeaky gate. The grave stone shone out to him as he walked over placing a hand on the cold marble.

"Hey" he murmured softly. "I'm sorry it's been too long but I'm back…I'm back until Cas is good and healthy again which could take weeks, months, hell even years if it has to. I can't give up on him, he's my best friend, my Cas, well, he's not there at the moment but I'm not leaving him"

Dean breathed out closing his eyes and stepped away heading towards one of the benches to sit down and just sit in complete silence. It was a little morbid to sit and think in a graveyard but at least he wouldn't be disturbed. He sat there till the sky started to darken, his stomach rumbled in protest and hunger, his ass hurt and his phone rang.

"Yeah"

"Cas is back and he wants you"

"I'll be there in ten"

Dean hung up shoving his cell into his pocket and walking back to the house. He stepped in and blinked to see Castiel sat on the sofa staring down at his hands.

"Where have you been?" Karen said curiously when he shrugged off his jacket.

"Walk" he murmured sitting down next to Castiel who met his eyes. "How did it go?"

"I have to stay there…I leave tomorrow for however long they need to keep me in" he whispered with fear in his eyes. Dean swallowed hard knowing deep down that this would be an option. Castiel couldn't be trusted.

"I'll be here and I'll visit"

"I know" he murmured with a nod. "I'm so sorry, Dean, you have to believe me"

"I do"

"I'll do this, I know I can do this" he said with determination in his voice.

Dean remained mute and simply nodded in agreement not trusting himself to believe it just yet. The words were easy to say but the actions were harder.

"Don't go home without me, Dean, please"

"I promise" he murmured and held still when he tucked his head under his chin leaning against his chest. Dean closed his eyes with a sigh inhaling the apple smell of his shampoo and humming contently. It was a warm and crisp smell that never disappeared and it would always remind Dean of Cas.

The next day, Castiel stared up at the brown and white building with a sickening feeling to his stomach and heart. His eyes met Karen's and she nodded at him as he stepped inside clutching his bag. The goodbye to the rest of the family had been brief as he looked at Dean who nodded at him and promised he would go see him soon. He had never felt so small as he stared at the woman who called herself, Joanne Hartley, and she was stern in the way she explained what happened there. Castiel had to be willing, he had to be willing to do this, and he agreed earnestly that he was willing to do this. He remained quiet while she went through the day plan of therapy meetings, meal times, individualized psychiatric and therapeutic meetings with a psychiatrist, and rules to follow plus set days for visits. His room was a simple bedroom with a double bed covered in white bedding, a wardrobe in the corner, a dressing table with a vase of flowers, and two long windows showing the garden.

"This will be yours" Joanne said with a nod handing him a door key. Castiel still felt numb as he walked out clinging to his mom like a little kid before she pulled away kissing his cheek and staring into his eyes.

"I'll see you soon"

"Yeah" he said with a nod watching her leave before speaking in hushed tones to Joanne before leaving him alone in a place that would help him heal. He was introduced to several people he didn't care about, his psychiatrist, Julia Stevens, and other patients. Castiel was eventually allowed to leave but not without being told they were watching him. His mind immediately flies to that show Big Brother and he glances to the corner of his bedroom. It's only when it's closing in at midnight that the loneliness starts to kick in. It's like when you're little and you sleep over at a friend's house for the very first time and that homesickness kicks in when it's late at night and all you want to do is go home to your bed.

Castiel sighed softly switching off the lamp and staring out into the darkness hearing…nothing. It was complete silence and that was the worst. It was an itch to constantly look over his shoulder to the closed door, the blinds on his window and even the space next to him bare. His twitchiness wouldn't fade even when exhaustion took him away into a restless sleep. He just wanted Dean.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

It eventually got a lot easier for Castiel who sat in his sessions, eyes trained on the ground, and only speaking when he was spoken to or a one to one with Julia who was soft and kind listening when he finally opened up to her about Marcus and the drugs. It was easier but he was still very much alone till he met one person in particular. Castiel was sat in the activity room staring down at the puzzle with a frown wondering where the other piece was when the opposite chair scraped back and he looked up into curious blue eyes.

"Hello"

Castiel blinked at the British accent before looking down at his puzzle again.

"Here" he said holding up the piece he needed. "I've seen you around…you're very quiet"

"I keep to myself; I just want to get out of here"

"What's your name?"

"Castiel" he murmured slotting the piece in with a sigh feeling the itch of boredom. "Yours?"

"Balthazar"

"Interesting, what are you here for?"

"Alcoholic" he replied softly with a smirk. "My friends shoved me in here"

"Is it working?"

"Oh of course because sitting me down in a chair and making me talk about problems is just chasing away that feeling to drown myself in wine" he said with a roll of his eyes. "Let me guess…drugs"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Why would I tell you?"

"Because I'm an interested citizen and we're all in this together"

Castiel raised an eyebrow at him amused. "Did you just quote High School Musical?"

"I did"

"You're very strange"

"I know so…Castiel, why are you taking drugs?"

"It's personal and private to me and I am not about to spill my secrets to someone I don't know" he murmured shoving back and walking away to find a book. Balthazar hummed eyeing him before jumping up and following.

"You, my friend, have a cute ass"

"You, stranger, can go away" he said pulling a book out and scanning the cover.

"I'm only trying to talk" Balthazar murmured softly.

Castiel swallowed looking over his shoulder towards him and nodded.

"Fine, I was abused by my ex-boyfriend and nearly raped by him and it would have happened if my best friend didn't come in and stop him. The nightmares…the memories…they were too much and I took to drugs to escape" he said looking into his eyes. "I was…I am out of control and it was my family who put me in here and at first I wasn't sure but now I know I have to be in here because if not…I'd be dead"

"I'm sorry"

"I know… they always are" he said sitting down and opening the book up. "So what's your story?"

"Depression and alcohol being the medicine for me" he said with a wide smile. "I was out of control also; I nearly killed a friend, a good friend, and then I was here"

Castiel bit into his bottom lip and gestured at the books. "Do you read?"

"Not if I can help it"

"It's therapeutic"

"It's lame"

"Whatever" he said with a soft sigh staring down at the cover only to perk up instantly when he was told he had a visitor. Castiel glanced at Balthazar before hurrying out and seeing Dean who was looking around with a general disinterest in his expression.

"Dean" he said with a small smile when he spotted him.

"Hey you" he said and grunting when he collided into him hugging him tight before letting go. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, come on" he said leading him to his bedroom. Dean glanced around the room with a hum and a nod of approval.

"Is it working?"

"In a way, I'm so glad to see you"

"Miss me?"

"Yes" he said with a nod.

"Do you have…friends here?"

"Um, I may have one who I met today well he introduced himself to me and his name is Balthazar"

Dean hummed perching on the bed. "Good"

"Good?"

"I don't want you to be alone in here, Cas, it's no fun"

"I just want to get out"

"When you're clean and not feeling the need to pop a few pills"

"Are you living with my mom?"

"Yeah for the time being, I'm not gonna leave you here"

Castiel smiled lying down on the bed and watching as he lay down on the bed. They lay on the bed together in silence for a long moment.

"So…Balthazar"

Castiel rolled his eyes sensing the curiosity and slight jealously over the new stranger in his life.

"Shut up, Dean" he said softly kicking him gently and smiling when he chuckled. He was healing slowly and surely feeling the cravings slipping away and the trust slowly piecing together in Dean's eyes. It was all he needed.

**A/N: No relationship between Castiel and Balthazar only friendship but there be Jealous!Dean in upcoming chapters.**


	16. Chapter 16

_**March 2008**_

"Ah the fresh smell of spring" Balthazar murmured biting into a grape and glancing over to Castiel in the deck chair next to him reading a book. The breeze was cool outside, the sun high in the sky giving the impression of a boiling hot day but the hint of winter was still there. Balthazar trailed his eyes down Castiel silently listening to his ramblings as his hair slightly longer in the months they had been here fluttering in the breeze and his eyes wide with curiosity and awe. Their friendship had grown since he had interrupted him in activities and all they had was each other for the moment.

"Good book?"

Castiel hummed with a nod meeting his eyes to flash him a small smile and looked away.

"It's horror, I enjoy horror, but then it scares me at night and I call Dean" he said softly with a hum. Balthazar nodded slowly used to hearing little stories of Dean, he had yet to meet him and he already felt like he knew the man. Three months of this and it was already becoming tiring not only for Balthazar but for Castiel who desperately wanted to return home and that day was coming quicker and quicker what with Castiel's progression going very, very well while Balthazar's wasn't.

"What did Julia say to you yesterday?"

"That I'm doing exceptionally well and could be out of here for good in a week, maybe two" he said softly looking over to him. "I'd still need therapy but in a practise, I no longer feel that…craving for pills and ecstasy and I just…I want to go home, I want to see my mom, my brother, and Dean, I miss him so much and the visits aren't enough"

"Are you sure you two aren't…?" Balthazar said suggestively.

"No"

"Bullshit, you want him _bad_" Balthazar teased and laughed when Castiel flushed red shaking his head. "I think you should tell him"

"No" Castiel repeated with a frown shaking his head. "That would be…no, I couldn't do that to him, to us, all we can have is friendship"

Balthazar frowned deeply throwing another grape into his mouth. "Why is that sad to me?"

"I don't know"

"Unrequited love is a horrible thing I guess" Balthazar murmured thoughtfully.

Castiel swallowed focusing on the page seeing nothing but squiggly lines and words. It was difficult when all he wanted was to kiss him hard and fuck him harder. He sighed shaking himself and closed the book stretching out his back and legs enjoying the feeling flowing through him.

"Do you know the feeling then?"

"Kind of, there was…someone" he said distant and coughed looking up at the sky.

"Will you be okay when I leave?"

"Cassy" he said in a fond tone looking over to him.

"I just worry" he said with a shrug stealing a grape. "I…I thought you'd be doing a little better"

Balthazar rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder. "Oh goodie another therapy session while Julia pouts and preens at me"

"Go" Castiel said softly watching him leave with a huff. He looked up at the trees still bare from winter and autumn and thought of home, university, and his family. The stain Marcus had left would never be permanently erased but it was fading fast like his nightmares. He didn't dream of him anymore, he dreamt of nothing which was better.

"Castiel, you have visitors"

"Visitors as in plural" he said looking at one of the helpers.

"Yes" he said gesturing at him to come as he walked out and into the main hallway. Castiel turned and smiled weakly at the sight of Dean and his mother.

"Castiel" Karen said in delight when he reached them and she hugged him. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than the last time, I'm sorry mom" he said looking up at her.

"It doesn't matter" she said softly when he moved away clinging to Dean who tucked his face into the crook of his neck for a moment before pulling back. The last time they had visited had been two weeks ago but Castiel was not in the best of moods that day with no sleep and withdrawal slamming into him hard and painfully. Words and insults were thrown at the pair of them till they left.

"Hello" Dean murmured into his ear before pulling away.

"I'm sorry"

"It's fine" he said as they parted.

Castiel led the pair of them to the garden were they sat down together, Dean was silent as he looked at him and Karen talked away into the silence telling him all about Anna's school trip, Gabriel who had flown away to India for two weeks for a well needed break and Sam in her opinion curiously quiet and subdued. Dean rolled his eyes at Castiel when she spoke about Sam since they both knew the reason why Sam was pining and looking like a lost puppy.

"They're thinking of letting me go in a week, maybe two" he said interrupting her mid speech and looked at the pair of them as their eyes went wide.

"What? No, why would they do that so soon?"

"Dean, I've been here for nearly three months now and I am doing very well"

"Cas, two weeks ago you flipped out, okay? I don't think you're ready"

Castiel sighed looking away from him feeling a little disgruntled. "I feel ready"

"Just because you feel it doesn't mean you are"

"So what I have to say here till _you _think I'm ready, Dean"

"No, Cas…" Dean argued back only to be interrupted by a voice calling out to Castiel.

"Cassy" Balthazar called strolling over. "…and friends"

"Balthazar, this is my mom, Karen, and…Dean" he said looking up at him.

Balthazar opened his mouth and let out a soft chuckle. "Oh wow…so this is Dean"

Castiel shot him a look when he dropped down next to him placing two hands on his shoulders.

"How did it go?"

"It went okay" Balthazar murmured flashing him a grin.

Dean narrowed his eyes watching the exchange between them.

"It's nice to meet you, Balthazar" Karen said shaking her head at the three of them.

"It's lovely to meet you as well, Mrs Milton, and of course…Dean" he said meeting his eyes. "I've heard many wonderful things"

"I can't say likewise"

Balthazar chuckled placing his chin on his shoulder digging in till Castiel gasped slapping his forehead gently.

"Alright, alright, I'll see you later…goodbye family and friends" he said with a cheerful wave and a wink for Castiel who shook his head at him.

"That was weird" Dean muttered with a scowl looking to Castiel.

"He's a friend"

"Just a friend?"

"Yes" Castiel snapped at him looking at Karen. "What do you think about me leaving so soon?"

"I think…I think if the experts know when the time is right and if you think the time is right then who am I to disagree?"

Castiel shot a smug look at Dean who rolled his eyes looking away from him. Dean didn't like the flood of jealously squirming around inside him at the obvious closeness of his best friend and another man. It wasn't right and it didn't feel right. He kept his silence though throughout the rest of the visit and only spoke when they said their goodbyes.

"Are you okay?" Castiel whispered into his ear. Dean nodded pushing his nose into his hair to inhale his shampoo and the faint scent of his aftershave again before pulling away.

"I'll see you soon"

Castiel nodded in agreement with him giving him mom a quick hug goodbye. "See you later"

The pang of homesickness always hit him when he watched them leave and drive away from the centre. He sighed trailing back in and walked into his bedroom falling flat on his bed bouncing a little and staring up at the ceiling.

"Knock, knock, knock" Balthazar said as he strolled in and jumped to lie down on the bed next to him. "What's up darling?"

"Homesickness…I hate when they leave" he murmured looking over to him. "Dean was acting weird also"

"How?"

"He…I don't know, he was just quiet and moody" he said with a scowl. "I don't like it when he's angry at something or with me…the last time he lost his temper with me was the day I nearly lost him"

"He'll get over it"

"I miss home, real home, our apartment and university" he said looking over to the stack of work delivered from Dean which he had completed and had yet to complete. "This place…it's nothing what people think it is. I regret ever meeting Marcus, taking drugs from Jackson, and I regret lying to my family more than anything…they don't and didn't deserve it"

"One more step to getting out…do you honestly think when you get out that you're just going to turn back to the drugs?"

Castiel paused for thought staring up at the cream white ceiling for a long minute before shaking his head.

"No"

"That's why you're amazing"

"I'm not amazing"

"Oh but you are, Cassy, you are amazing because look at what you've been through and look where you are now…if you didn't have your family and that attractive model as a best friend then you'd be dead right now" he murmured softly reaching up to push his hair away from his forehead. "Every day you're healing in a different but noticeable way and I know that when you get out of here you're going to be okay"

"Who knew you were so sweet?" Castiel teased and let out a laugh when he shoved a hand into his face.

"Shut up" he muttered rolling onto his back. "I'm the second best friend you never had but now have"

"I don't think that makes sense"

"Shut up and read to me" he muttered pinching his thigh and smirking when Castiel yelped smacking his hand hard before grabbing his book and reading aloud.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"Dude, you look like someone has shot your cat" Sam said dropping on the bed, Cas' bed, and prodding his leg. "I know you don't have a cat but you look…sad. Is everything okay?"

"Fine, just…Cas, stuck in that place, I'm stuck here, and I just…I don't know" he said fidgeting as he glanced over to him. "You can talk; you look like someone's smacked you on the back of a head with a plunger over and over again since Gabriel has left"

Sam frowned turning his back on him. "He just took off…"

"Yeah for a holiday it's not like he's gone to live there dude"

"I know, he'll probably eat curry and fuck every Indian woman and man" Sam said with a sigh kicking at the carpet. "He knows how I feel Dean"

"You told him?" Dean said straightening up.

"No I didn't have to…apparently I'm obvious" he said glancing over to Dean who snorted amused. "He…he said I'm too young and I don't even know what I am"

"He has a point, Sam…"

"No what he has is society's say on this…I'm too young, he's too old, and you know what…it's a load of shit. Age doesn't matter"

"Yeah tell that to the thirty three year old pervert leering at a fourteen year old"

"Gabriel is not thirty three and I am not a fourteen year old girl, Dean"

"Whatever you say, Samantha" Dean muttered and grunted when Sam landed a punch on his chest.

"I'm serious, Dean! Okay, okay, age matters there, alright? That's just majorly creepy and I get it but the age difference between Gabriel and I is nothing! I'm eighteen, nearly nineteen, and I have wanted him for so long…"

"Um, Sam, this conversation is making me feel a little uncomfortable" Dean said scratching the back of his neck.

"God! Why do I think I can talk to you about these things?" Sam cried going to storm out when Dean latched a hand around his wrist tugging him down.

"Oh hush, come on I'm listening"

"He won't let it happen and I want it to happen so badly! I'm sick of watching him fuck every woman and man out there because he's scared I'm not sure what I want" Sam said with a huff. "My friend Jess calls it unrequited love"

"You love him"

"He's my best friend in a sense, of course I love him" he said rubbing his eye. "I think I love, love, him because if I imagine my future he's in it"

Dean wrinkled his nose feeling acutely uncomfortable but kept his mouth shut.

"Then you got to fight for him or whatever" he muttered with a grimace. "I'm not good at this, you are speaking to the guy who hasn't had a relationship or ever been in love here"

"Oh believe me I know" Sam murmured rolling his eyes. "You're stupid, you know that right?"

"Hey!"

"You are and you know it, you don't see what's right in front of you, you ignore it till it goes away but I don't think this will go away"

"What are you talking about?"

Sam huffed out a laugh amused. "Dean, I'm not the only one suffering through the typically cliché of unrequited love"

"What?"

Sam grimaced patting his knee. "I'll leave you a few days to figure it out, yeah?"

"Oh go away you sasquatch" Dean muttered glaring at him as he walked out laughing roughly. Dean swallowed hard thinking hard on Sam's words pushing his thumb into teeth to chew the skin around it puzzling over the words.

"No, no" he muttered thinking of Castiel and looking at the now closed door. "No"

He shook his head before flopping down back on the bed closing his eyes and scowling at the image of Castiel and Balthazar popping up behind his eyelids. The connection was obvious between them that was strengthening day by day with the only company they had was each other. Dean huffed burying his head into Castiel's pillow feeling angsty over the whole situation and secretly couldn't wait till he was let out.

His phone buzzed next to him and he flipped it to see one new message.

"_**I miss you and I will be out in one week. I am ready. C"**_

Dean swallowed hard staring at the message for a long moment before texting a response.

"_**I know, see you soon. D"**_

Sam sat on the desk chair as he stared at his emails and at the one from Gabriel.

_**Kiddo!**_

_**India is awesome! But too fucking hot, I honestly think I am going to die. So all my money goes to the cats okay? Good. I'll be home soon when my baby bro is kicking fit so love and smooches. **_

_**Gabe. **_

Sam groaned letting his head hit the desk with a dull thud. It wasn't fair. He didn't know how anyone could just stand by and let the one they want just slip through their fingers? Sam grimly sent all his praises to Castiel for standing by for so long with his own little problem. Dean was his brother but he was also a pain in the ass when it came to realisations and his feelings. Feelings were a no-go area.

Sam quickly typed back a reply before slamming the laptop screen down and falling into bed.

_**Gabe,**_

_**It's good to hear from you! Please don't die and try and drink plenty of water. **_

_**I miss you.**_

_**Sam. **_

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"I think you're ready, I think you can do it, but you will need regular meetings which I will personally set up for you myself, Castiel" Julia said with a small smile. "You've done amazingly well in such a short time which is progress. Do you think you're ready?"

"Yes"

"Then I will see you next week" she said handing him his forms.

Castiel stared down at them in shock and nodded pressing his lips together feeling slightly afraid and a little more excited to finally leave. He exited the room and walked straight into Balthazar who was waiting for him.

"So…?"

"I'm leaving" Castiel said breathlessly. "It's not a surprise but it is in a way"

"I'm going to miss your short ass"

"I thought it was perfect"

"It is" Balthazar murmured pulling him into a hug. Castiel clung to him till he heard a cough to the side of him and looked to see Dean watching the pair of them.

"Please tell me this is good news" Dean muttered with a frown looking to Balthazar who shot him a knowing smirk.

"I can come home" he whispered moving over to him with a smile holding up the papers. "But first I want tea and not too buttery toast because you know…"

"I know" Dean said with a grin pushing their foreheads together. "I'll be in the car"

Dean shot a look over to Balthazar before walking away and out of the main doors.

"I still think you should tell him how you really feel"

"No, Balthazar"

"Why not?"

"Because I'd scare him" Castiel said looking up at him with a smile. "I'll come visit you but you have to try for me, okay? I want you out"

"Yeah but you'll be returning to Oklahoma"

"That's what visits are for and…we've been through too much to just part ways" Castiel muttered with a small frown. "I don't make friends easily, not like Dean and Sam and my brother…I want to see you again on the outside"

Balthazar sighed dramatically. "Fine! I will come visit but you have to first"

The horn blaring outside startled the both of them and Castiel nodded stepping back.

"I'll see you soon"

Balthazar nodded watching him leave and bit into his lip staring down at the floor as Castiel headed over to the car and stroked a hand over the top with a small smile.

"I've missed her"

"Liar" Dean muttered with a smirk when they tore out of the car park.

"I have, I have missed everything. It feels like I have been cut off from the world and now I'm returning. The tea in that place was dreadful, I miss my music, I miss good toast, I miss university and I just…I want to be okay again" Castiel murmured wistfully staring out of the window.

Dean glanced over to him feeling Sam's words thrum through his head. He reached over hesitantly before taking his hand and squeezing it gently so he looked over to him in surprise.

"You're going to be fine; they've let you out so that means they think you're going to be okay" he said softly letting go of his hands to stare out and drive him to his favourite café. Castiel hummed in pleasure when he saw the familiar joint and they walked in ordering their food and drinks. It was a good sight to see Castiel sitting opposite him focused intently on his tea as he poured four sugars in and buttered his toast to the point of perfection. His lips twitched into a smile and he felt a shadow and warmth of trust and forgiveness start to assemble itself in his chest. It was a step closer to getting his freak of a best friend fully back.

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and support! They are all appreciated. **


	17. Chapter 17

_**September 2014**_

Dean, in his mind, didn't think he deserved this. His eyes travelled down the length of Castiel's naked back taking in the smooth expanse of skin that was soft underneath his fingers and mouth. It was closing in on 3am and while Dean was struggling with sleep, Castiel slept obliviously on his front breathing deeply and softly. Dean wasn't afraid to admit to himself that Castiel was beautiful when he slept; he was always beautiful and innocent. He bit into his lip turning on his side to take in peaceful expression gracing his features, the way his eyelashes settled just shy under his eye, his hair ruffled from sleep and previous sex, and his lips a dull pink in the dark. Dean hummed softly pressing his just under his jaw inhaling the smell of skin, salt, come, and the faint smell of raspberry shower gel.

"God, why are you so perfect?" he mumbled into the back of his neck and kissing the knob of his spine as he peered down at the sheet covering his ass. Dean moved his head to peer down into his face to see no movement of waking up as he nosed into his hair enjoying the way it was soft and silky against his jaw and nose. Castiel moaned underneath him as he sighed shifting his head and body till he was lying on his back fast asleep.

Dean hummed softly again pressing his mouth to his throat kissing and sucking softly and smirking when he moaned. The vibrations shuddered through him till he pulled back pressing his lips to his forehead and moving them down to his temple, nose, and eventually his lips. It was a simple touch before he pulled to kiss down his collarbone wanting to taste him again and again and again. Dean slowly made his way down his chest peppering small light kisses across the skin and flicking his tongue against the little nub feeling satisfaction when Castiel moaned confused in his sleep. Dean didn't relent as he travelled further down kissing across his hipbones and keeping him in place when he wriggled kicking his legs out at Dean. He inhaled deeply the musky smell just above his cock and flicked his eyes up when Castiel moaned blinking his eyes open.

"Dean?" he murmured softly into the dark before Dean huffed out a laugh moving up and kissing him softly.

"Sleep"

"I was till you decided to molest me in my sleep" he replied with a soft chuckle touching his cheek and searching his eyes. "Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know" Dean murmured thoughtfully kissing the tip of his nose and smirking when he wrinkled it amused. Castiel shuffled till Dean was content leaning on his chest and resting in the v of his thighs.

"So instead of letting me sleep you decided to touch me up in my sleep"

"Yep" Dean said kissing him softly and chuckling when he bit into his bottom lip. "You're mine now"

Castiel swallowed hard with a nod. "I've always been yours"

"Don't leave me"

"Why would I leave now?"

Dean shrugged with distance in his eyes as he stared down at him. Castiel frowned feeling sleepy and blinking confused when Dean shuffled down and away till he was resting his head underneath his chin and on his chest.

"I'll still never get…why…why me, Cas?" he murmured trailing his fingers down the softness of his inner arm. Castiel frowned lifting his hands to trail it into Dean's hair.

"What are you talking about?"

"How can you love me? I've never understood" Dean muttered feeling awkward and slightly vulnerable. Castiel blinked confused tugging on his hair till he lifted his head.

"You still don't think you're good enough do you?"

"At 3am? No" Dean murmured and moaning when Castiel pulled him into a hard and teasing kiss till Dean was breathless. Castiel shook his head capturing his cheeks with his fingertips.

"You're stupid"

"Hey…"

"You're worth it, you're worth everything. I have been in love with you for ten years, Dean, and you don't think you're worth it? You're mine and I'm yours…it's always been that way since the beginning and I will always love you" he whispered up to him. "Stop thinking you're not worthy…I know we've had a few rough months what with…everything but like you said, it's different now"

"Say it again" Dean murmured hovering over his mouth.

"What?"

"Tell me you're mine"

"I'm yours"

Dean moaned feeling needy as he covered his mouth till they both exhausted needing sleep. Castiel rolled them till they were pressed against each other without a sliver of air between them as they cocooned under the warm covers. Castiel trailed his hand into his hair in soothing strokes as they drifted off to sleep for a good few hours.

Dean woke up to sunlight pouring in from the window causing him to grunt and tuck his head into the crook of Castiel's neck. He remained hearing his heartbeat thud slowly and his breathing soft in his ear till his stomach growled impatiently for food. Gently prising away was not an easy task as he shivered in the coldness of the bedroom and apartment. Dean rubbed his eyes sleepily before wandering into the kitchen to make coffee, tea, and waffles. He returned to see Castiel strewn out across their bed and he paused for a moment taking him in before placing them down on the night stand and returning to slam the door hard.

Castiel jumped out of his skin as he woke up and grunted glaring at Dean who cocked his head at him.

"Morning gorgeous"

"It's Sunday, Dean" Castiel hissed over to him stretching and relaxing when he ducked under the cover crawling up to him and pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.

"I know, I made tea, coffee, and waffles"

"Did you?" Castiel said softly in excitement looking to the night stand and back to Dean who nuzzled his cheek. "See this is why I love you"

"I make you breakfast?"

"No" Castiel muttered bending to bite his nose. "Because you make good waffles"

"Oh wow I feel the love" he muttered trailing his fingers down his stubble. "I hope you know that we are not moving from this bed because we're going to sleep…have sex…and eat all day"

Castiel nodded with amusement shining in his eyes as he wrapped his arm loosely around his neck.

"I didn't know this but now I do"

"I'm not letting you out of my sight for a few days"

"What about work?"

"Those patients can survive without me for one day while I attend to your…needs" he murmured and chuckled when Castiel scoffed at the cheesiness of the line.

"Dean, the nurse, how do your patients survive?!"

"I'm amazing at what I do"

Castiel looked into his eyes with a nod. "I think I want to work up an appetite"

Dean wasn't ready when Castiel kicked at him flipping them over so he was pressing Dean into the mattress and straddling his bare thighs.

"Did you walk into the kitchen naked?"

"Yeah"

"Imagine if poor Mrs Whitmore saw your naked ass or your cock…she'd be in therapy" he said with a poker face which broke when Dean poked at his sides till he chuckled batting at his hands.

"Stop talking and get with the needs" he murmured spreading his legs and moaning when he dropped his mouth to his chest kissing and nipping at the fine skin leaving marks. Castiel shushed him when he whined bucking his hips as he grabbed the lube from the nightstand ignoring the tempting smell from breakfast as he shuffled backwards spreading his legs wider so nothing was hidden and all was on display.

"Cas!" Dean muttered desperately when he kissed down one side of his inner thigh scratching it with his stubble and grinning when they trembled with anticipation.

"So desperate" Castiel said looking up to meet his eyes with a devilish smirk. "You little whore"

"Oh…fuck" Dean breathed with a moan when Castiel licked the tip of his cock sucking on the slit for a moment before focusing his attention on the puckered hole still slick from last night. Castiel met his eyes again as he slicked a finger pushing it in slowly up to the knuckle and crooking it enough for Dean to pant, hands clutching at the sheets and mattress, and body wriggling in need.

"Cas…" he pleaded tossing his head back baring his throat and grunting in both pain and pleasure when he felt Castiel rise up nosing at the his throat before nipping into it.

"You're so pretty when you beg…tell me how much you want it"

"Bastard" Dean cursed pulling him into a hard kiss as their tongues slid and intertwined together in a filthy kiss that left Dean a panting mess.

"Now, now, that's not exactly begging me is it, Dean?" Castiel crooned stroking a hand down his cheek and sliding a second finger inside of him swiftly. Dean gasped clutching the back of his neck as he pleaded; "please" like a mantra.

"Good boy" Castiel whispered into his ear and biting into his lip when he shivered with a nod. Castiel knew exactly what to do to undo him and he enjoyed it immensely. Dean's hands found their way into his hair as they gripped, pulled, and grasped. The pain pleasure of it was always a winner as he groaned slipping a third finger inside of Dean loving the tightness and heat.

"Oh fuck!" Dean cried out body arching as he panted hot air, eyes wild and unfocused as he rocked his hips down on the fingers sliding in and out of him teasingly. "Please, Cas, please, fuck me, fuck me hard"

"Impatience" Castiel muttered with a tut as he spread the lube over his cock before lining up and wrapping Dean's legs around his thighs as he pushed in without resistance. He would always be Dean's first and now his last as he bottomed out inside of him. Dean gasped wordlessly gripping the back of his hair and breathing hard for a few moments before nodding.

"Move…_baby_" he crooned up to him with a smirk when Castiel moaned pressing his forehead against his nearly bending him in double before sliding out and slamming back into him in a hard thrust slowly working into a rhythm. The mattress creaked underneath them as per usual with the excursion of their "activities". Their moans filled the room as they clutched, touched and moved against each other causing friction. They had both learnt that as much as they liked it slow, loving, and gentle, they it even more rough and passionate.

"I love you"

Dean nodded staring up into his eyes as wrapped a hand around his own cock pumping it in time with Castiel's thrusts inside striking the prostrate so it felt like he was on fire. He could feel the sweat pouring off him as he kissed along his jaw flicking his tongue against the grain of stubble.

"Love…love you too" Dean whispered against the corner of his mouth before clamping down and moaning ardently as he climaxed splattering his stomach and hand with come. He felt it when Castiel followed soon after when the spread of hot warmth spread deep inside of him and he collapsed on his sweaty but also sticky chest.

They lay together panting, sticky, but satisfied as they kissed slowly till Dean pulled with a chuckle scratching his cheek.

"Dean?"

"Yeah"

"Promise me you'll never leave me and we can grow old together listening to classical music"

"No" Dean said shaking with laughter as Castiel growled biting into his neck. "I'll stay alright but we are not listening to classical music, no way in hell"

"I thought you loved me"

"Oh I do…but not that much" he whispered pushing his thumb into his bottom lip before bringing him closer to kiss him into silence. Their relationship was like breathing, natural, essential, and keeping each other alive but they couldn't deny the rough couple of months and years that led to this moment because even when Castiel was let out of therapy things weren't sunshine and roses.

_**~0~0~0~0~ **_

_**June 2008**_

Dean stared down at the twin boys, Joshua and Harry, with a small smile and up to Jo who shrugged her shoulders with a smile.

"They're gorgeous" he murmured bringing her forward into a crushing hug before letting go. "I am so proud of you"

"Guess how many hours?"

"24?"

"56 hours of screaming, pain, blood, mucus, drugs, and a bloodied nose from a doctor who I punched when he told me I was 5 centimetres" she said with a small chuckle. "Who's the better species?"

"I am not even going to bother answering that" Dean muttered staring down at the two babies in delight. "I'm sorry it took so long for me to visit"

"Hey its fine, I was so not up for visits in those weeks and what with everything" she said with a sigh. "Where's Cas?"

"Um, visiting a friend from rehab" he muttered stroking a hand through Joshua's blonde hair. "His name is Balthazar and he got out three days ago"

Jo narrowed her eyes at him and sighed heading to her kitchen to make coffee.

"Sit your ass down, Winchester"

"Two sugars…"

"I've known you my whole life, you idiot, I know what you take now sit down and tell me why you're jealous" she said switching on the kettle and sitting down in front of him. "Do not give me that look, Dean, you're jealous aren't you?"

"No!"

"Bullshit" she muttered with a smile. "I'm a woman, I know these things, and I feel these things…well everyone does but we're common for it"

"Yeah, yeah" he murmured with narrowed eyes as she stood up making coffees and bringing them over, checking on the twins happily content in their baskets, and returning to him.

"So, tell me everything"

"It's nothing…" he muttered with a sigh. "I mean everything's been fine, we've moved back to the apartment, I'm back on track with uni and Cas is slowly and surely catching up with everything but I don't know…he's distant, quiet, and I'm like a stalker following his every move, checking so he isn't overdosing on me and I just…it sucks because he won't talk to me properly but Balthazar? He'll see him any chance he gets"

"Oh sweetie" she cooed over to him. "He's your best friend, Dean, and he's been through the most traumatic time mostly due to his own self but mostly to do with that Marcus and you have been there, Dean, you know and maybe he needs…another friend to talk to about this"

"Why Balthazar?" Dean muttered with a scoff. "Smarmy git"

"Oh, Dean, are you sure you're not jealous because you're reeking of it" she said with a giggle.

"Sam…Sam said something to me before we left"

"What?"

"He said he wasn't the only one with the whole unrequited love thing he's got going on for Gabriel"

Jo blinked at him with a nod. "And…?"

"Well…I think its Cas…for me"

"You're telling me this like its old news, Dean"

"What?" he said closing his eyes for a second as he stared at her confused.

Jo closed her eyes exhaling long and hard before covering her face. "Oh my god, Dean, really…you are only figuring this out now!"

"He's not…I mean…is he? He's never mentioned it before!"

"Dean, sweetie, do I need to hit you over the head?!" she said exasperated. "Of course it's him…it's not going to be you is it now?"

"I'm straight"

"Oh and don't we know it" she murmured rolling her eyes. "Dean, you've always had little bi-sexual tendencies"

"I have not!"

"Kyle Forshaw, eighth grade, ring any bells?" she said and laughed manically when Dean gaped at her horrified.

"How-how do you know about _that? _No…no one knows!" he said frantically throwing his hands.

"No one, apart from me, and no I will not tell you how" she said tapping her nose. "You kissed him, you groped each other and…I think he give you a hickey"

"Ah no!" Dean said shaking his head in horror as she smirked at him. "You…you little stalker!"

"Oh hush" she muttered rolling his eyes. "Anyway, this is not about you, this is about Cas and yes he is in love with you and I think deep down you have always known"

Dean swallowed staring down at his coffee when one of the twins started to wail.

"I'll leave you to dwell in that while I attend to my babies" she said with a soft smile hopping up and cooing at Harry who wailed in her arms. He wouldn't confirm or deny it because he simply didn't know and the thought of Castiel loving him for all these years sent an unfamiliar pulse through him.

His hand sought out his phone as he thumbed through the contacts and dialled his number.

"Dean" Castiel answered with warmth in his tone.

"Hey…everything okay?"

"Yes, yes, I've just finished with Balthazar and I am heading home to do some work"

"Oh…how is he?"

"He's doing good, very good, I am very proud of him"

Dean clenched his jaw tight feeling the cold waves of jealously course through him. He hated the man and didn't even know him properly.

"Are you coming home soon?"

"Yeah just finish up here and I'll be back soon"

"Okay, see you soon"

"Yeah…" Dean murmured hanging up on him and tossing the phone on the side before letting his head fall with a thud on the table.

"This is…this is ridiculous" Dean muttered pushing up and heading into the living area where she was rocking one of the twins to sleep. "He's Cas, he's my best friend, and what now he's in love with me? What am I supposed to do that?"

"Nothing" Jo said turning to face him. "Not a damn thing, Dean, because if you bring this up to him, you'll lose him, and I don't think you want that. This has been happening right under your nose, I know, and it's confusing for your mind right now but this doesn't change anything if you don't want it too"

Dean huffed closing his eyes. "I think the one question is…why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"If he's in love with anyone out of the six billion people on this planet…why is he in love with me?"

Jo bit into her lip considering him as he put down Harry next to Joshua before facing him.

"I wish I had the answer but I don't because that answer can only come from him and him alone but if you really want some sort of answer at all I would think back over everything, from the moment you met, college, university, your mother's death, the abuse, the drugs, everything and you would see what I see" she said picking up a toy bunny and toying with it.

"What do you see?"

"I see two guys brought together by friendship who have stuck together no matter what through all these years, one is so desperately in love with the other and the other doesn't know and doesn't see it but instead of the other telling him he keeps it a secret while still battling inner demons" she said looking over to him. "Go home, Dean, and carry on like normal if you can"

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat feeling suddenly lightheaded. "Yeah, yeah, alright"

Jo gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before watching him leave looking like someone had hit him over the head with a frying pan. She shook her head watching him leave and could only pray he had a little common sense but that common sense would not him, not just yet.

**A/N: Awww thank you for all the reviews!**


	18. Chapter 18

_**September 2008**_

Dean didn't and still didn't know how to just forget that his best friend was in love with him. It wasn't as simple as brushing it away or locking it away in the back of his mind, it was there, and it was a shining beacon constantly mocking him. There was no way he could shrug it off and let it lie but there was no way he could bring it up. Jo was right about carrying on like normal, that part was easy, but the moving on from this little fact was a little harder than he imagined so this was why he was now staring up at the ceiling with a very naked Castiel sleeping next to him.

When he walked in to the apartment three months ago after leaving Jo's home with her words pounding in his skull it had been a little overwhelming. Castiel smiled up at him when he walked in rubbing his forehead.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah just…tired, it was a long drive" he lied casually dropping down next to him shutting his eyes for a moment before flinching alarmed when he felt fingers on his forehead.

"What…what are you doing?"

"Massaging, dumbass" Castiel murmured straddling his lap and ignoring Dean's hitch of breath and alarmed eyes as he placed his hands on the top of his skull as his fingers stroked and massaged his temples and forehead. Dean couldn't help the satisfied moan that escaped his lips feeling suddenly more relaxed despite the situation. Castiel hummed content stroking his thumbs across his closed eyes before trailing them down the panes of his face to his neck massaging the back and grinning when Dean groaned shivering in pleasure.

"I am rather good…"

Dean nodded opening his eyes and zeroed down on his hands placed awkwardly on his thighs and swallowed hard meeting his eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Castiel murmured dropping his hands down with a frown. "Everything is okay with Jo isn't it?"

"Yeah, yeah, babies are beautiful and she's even more beautiful with that mommy glow and all…just a long day. How was the visit to whatshisname?"

"Funny" Castiel muttered dryly resuming massaging his forehead. "Balthazar is doing very well, he's on the mend, and wine is not his top priority like drugs isn't mine"

"Good"

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him amused. "For me or for Balthazar"

"You"

"You don't like him"

"I don't know the guy…"

"You could get to know him, he's a really good friend, Dean, and he was there for me in rehab"

"So was I!" Dean cried with a scowl before realising how childish and jealous it sounded.

"I know you were but he was there inside of it when I had no one and you were away from me and he was there".

"Yeah, yeah" Dean murmured with a sigh closing his eyes to enjoy his mini massage. Castiel hummed noticing he was drifting off and poked his nose hard.

"Hey!" Dean protested shoving at his chest and rubbing the tip of his nose. He watched as Castiel huffed out a laugh climbing off him and heading to the kitchen. His eyes travelled watching him walk away to get some food and he couldn't deny how better he seemed to be now. There was colour in his cheeks, a little sparkle in his eyes and despite the fact he was a lot more quitter and a bit distant with him it was good to see.

"I'm serious about getting to know him, Dean; you should come out with us on the weekend"

"What do you mean out?"

"Well it's the height of summer so we're going to the beach, Dean"

"Was I invited anyway?"

"Yes"

"Liar" Dean scolded when he returned biting into a biscuit and sitting down next to him.

"You were, Dean, I just didn't know how to tell you Balthazar was coming as well without you flipping out"

"I do not flip…" Dean argued only to be muffled with Castiel shoving a biscuit into his mouth to silence him.

"You talk too much"

Dean grunted with wide eyes as he chewed and scowled over to him now sitting cross legged on the couch with a book balancing between his thighs. He sighed turning on the TV and decided to be a big baby and give him the silent treatment because he could.

It ended rather quickly when Castiel hinted at food and takeaway. He was a sucker for their local and the fact Castiel was paying was also a big bonus. Dean did end up going with Castiel to the beach and meeting Balthazar for the first time personally and he hated the guy even more. In Dean's mind he's smarmy, his british accent is irritating, and he wears shirts that are far too low for his liking and is also insanely attractive. Dean hates the guy without even properly knowing him.

"Oh I have heard so much" Balthazar cried when they walked over eyeing Dean with a glint in his eyes before tacking Castiel into a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"You are ridiculous" Castiel scolded hitting his forearm but there was amused delight shining in his eyes. Dean scowled looking away towards his car.

"I am far from ridiculous…you look particularly gorgeous today" he said taking in his outfit of his light blue button down and to Dean's disbelief white cargo shorts.

"It's 100 degrees out there" Castiel murmured with a shrug pushing his sunglasses on. Dean rolled his eyes heading over to the car leaving them to watch him leave.

"Is someone a grumpy bear?"

"More like an aggressive tiger" Castiel muttered with a sigh. "He doesn't think he was invited"

"Well if I had my way…"

"I advise to stop that sentence" Castiel said shoving at his chest gently as he passed following after Dean who was waiting for them blasting music. Dean glanced over to Castiel when he slid in the passenger seat while Balthazar basically purred spreading out in the back seat humming along.

"Give him a chance" Castiel mouthed over to him with wide eyes when Dean huffed softly speeding out of there. Dean licked his lips wetting them as he stared out ignoring Balthazar draping himself over Castiel singing loudly.

"I love the beach" Castiel said with a sigh. "My mom used to take the four of us when we were little; Gabriel and I would take Anna in the water while Zach scowled plotting world domination"

"Zach?" Balthazar murmured confused.

"Older brother, I never see him…he has basically cut himself out of the family completely. Mom thinks he's dead" he said with a cough.

"Seriously" Dean said in astonishment because even he didn't know this.

"She doesn't speak of it or him but with no word at all from him, I mean she tried very hard to contact him but even his old friends haven't seen him in years and the ones who have seen him said he was mixed up in very dodgy deals with very dodgy men"

"Shit"

Castiel shrugged and shot Balthazar a sharp look when he bit into his shoulder.

"Do not bite me; I don't want marks on me"

"Oh touchy"

"Leave him alone" Dean snapped over to him watching with smug satisfaction when Balthazar held up his hands sitting back and Castiel cocked his head in surprised confusion.

Half an hour later they arrived at the beach to see it busy but not busy enough to leave. Dean stepped out squinting at the sun before slipping his own sunglasses on and circling to pop open the back bringing out the bag and cooler because beer and sun is needed otherwise what's the point? Castiel shook his head at Balthazar ogling the ladies on the beach and shoved him forward as they walked to find a spot and found the perfect spot still near people but away so it wasn't crowded.

"I'm going for a swim!" Balthazar announced stripping down. Dean hoped he drowned.

Castiel shook his head as he laid his towel out on the sand while Dean stood looking around the area glad that his sunglasses hid his eyes while he watched Balthazar starting to swim in the ocean and prayed there was a shark nearby waiting for him. It was childish thoughts but Dean couldn't help it.

"Dean"

He turned looking over to Castiel now wearing no shirt and he swallowed hard trailing his eyes down the soft semi tanned skin. He was lean and muscled in all the right places which made Dean slightly envious but he kept that buried very deep down.

"Will you do my back please?" Castiel called over to him shaking the suntan lotion at him.

"S-Sure" Dean muttered with his voice cracking as he grabbed it off him kneeling behind him as he sat up leaning his head on his hands. Dean exhaled slowly and nodded popping open the cap as he rubbed the lotion into the top of his hands slowly massaging it into the skin and bit his lip looking down at the towel and sand.

"Fuck" he mouthed before regaining composure and stroking it across the smooth and almost baby soft skin.

"You should give him a chance" Castiel murmured softly.

"Who?"

"Dean"

"Fine, I will" Dean muttered with a sigh looking over to Balthazar swimming lazily in the water. "I don't understand the big deal though; you're not marrying him are you?"

"No"

"Then shut up about it" he whispered into his ear and pausing when he shivered underneath his hands. Dean continued on stroking across his lower back and pausing again when he heard a deliberately muffled moan. He felt mischievous when he stroked across it again and Castiel lifted his head with a shudder.

"Are you done?" he said strained flexing his hands.

"Yeah" Dean murmured pushing up and wiping his hands on his pants while Castiel flipped onto his back closing his eyes while Dean sat down in the sand biting into his bottom lip. He laid back in the sand deciding to ignore the inner conflict roaring inside of him and the way he wanted to actually kiss down his spine, his best friend, the one in love with him. He opened his eyes staring up at the sky when a suddenly wet Balthazar was standing above him.

"Jesus" Dean muttered straightening up and flinching back. "You need a bell dude"

"Oh meow" Balthazar said with a laugh drying off and dropping down next to him. "So…are we going to talk and be best friends?"

"No way in hell" Dean said looking away from him.

"You're jealous"

"Jealous of what exactly…you've known him five minutes, I've known for a lifetime" Dean hissed over to him. "I have nothing to be jealous over and certainly not you, alright?"

Balthazar watched him carefully with thoughtful eyes as he leans back. "You're intimidated by me though; I could take him away from you"

Dean snorted shaking his head as he glanced over to Castiel still lying on his back his feet bobbing up and down. He smiled for a moment before looking over to Balthazar and shaking his head.

"Never"

"You're seriously naïve aren't you?"

"Oh my god, are you actually serious about this?" Dean hissed over to him.

"Not about that…I couldn't if I tried, he's fixated on you" Balthazar murmured looking over to him with a fond expression. "It's almost pitying"

"Oh god just stop talking" Dean murmured with a long drawn out sigh turning away from him. "Or better yet go…the fuck…away"

"I know something you don't know" Balthazar whispered in a teasing way that made Dean chuckle.

"Oh really" Dean said with a smirk. "Pray…tell"

Balthazar scoffed looking out to the ocean. "Not my place to say"

"I don't give a damn about what you know and you don't know, Balthazar" he said spitting his name out and jumping up. "I'm going for a walk"

Castiel looked up as he cried that out and frowned watching him walk away into the distance and he looked over to Balthazar bobbing his head along to nothing.

"What did you say to him?"

"I didn't say a thing!"

"So why is he now storming away from you?" Castiel said with a shake of his head. "What did you say to him?"

"I said I was going to steal you"

"What?"

"I was joking" Balthazar murmured with a roll of his eyes while Castiel jumped up with a frown following after him. He found Dean sat on a sand dune frowning and thinking hard.

"I wouldn't think too hard, you might pull something"

"Screw you"

"Okay but I like it rough and I like to take my time" Castiel said calmly sitting next to him and pressing his lips together amused when Dean looked at him alarmed.

"I was joking"

Dean cleared his throat looking away from him, he twisted his hands together suddenly feeling nervous and a hot flush covered the back of his neck and cheeks. He closed his eyes cursing the war raging inside of him and feelings he wasn't supposed to be feeling.

"Are you okay? What did Balthazar say to you?"

"It was nothing…"

"Dean, you know he won't steal me away from you, right?"

"Of course"

Dean looked over to him staring back with warm eyes, his hair blowing and curling in the wind, and already he had that sun kissed glow.

"You're mine" Dean muttered with a smirk. "I claimed you all those years ago"

"That's a little possessive don't you think?"

"No"

"Of course not" Castiel murmured with a chuckle leaning his chin on his arm. "I guess I'm reaching too high for you two to be friends aren't I?"

"He's a douche, Cas"

"Dean" Castiel said with a tiring sigh looking up at the blue sky. "It's like being in high school all over again with jealously and friends being jealous of other friends"

"I am not jealous"

"You are also a bad liar"

"You would know" Dean cried shoving him in the arm hard and laughing when he slipped down the sand. Castiel huffed annoyed jumping up and shoving him down which turned into wrestling as they rolled around wrestling each down the sand dune till Castiel had Dean pinned squirming underneath him the pair of them breathless.

"Gotcha" Castiel whispered into his ear when he grunted trying to kick him off but to no avail. Dean stared up at him with raised eyebrows as he settled into the too warm sand and up at Castiel sweaty, breathless, covered in sand, and even more beautiful then he should be. It was a cough that startled them as they turned to see Balthazar watching them with wild amused eyes.

"Oh no…please…continue, I do love a gay porn film" he said softly. Dean scoffed in disgust pushing at Castiel gently as he stood brushing the sand off his pants and arms. Castiel scolded him with a look as he stood up and breathed upwards fluttering the hair sticking to his forehead. The temperature was increasing and he needed to cool down.

"I'm going to swim, are you joining me?" Castiel said as he walked towards the water discarding clothes till he was in nothing but his swimming shorts. Dean wouldn't deny he checked him out as he walked away because he did; his eyes moving across his back all muscles and dimples in his back. Balthazar shrugged following after him and that was that. Dean had to do it, he had to follow. The water was cool as he walked in but he couldn't help but wince when the stones dug into the bottom of his feet but that soon disappeared when he waded deeper looking over to Balthazar casually swimming in the other direction but no sign of Castiel as he looked around confused wading in deeper against the waves. He gasped when he felt a weight on his back and kicked looking over his shoulder to see Castiel very wet, arms wrapped around his shoulder and neck and leaning against him.

"You scared me idiot" Dean muttered as he moved closer to the shore so he could stand and bob.

"It was intentional" Castiel said as he brushed a hand through his wet hair clinging to his back before letting go and swimming to be in front of him. Dean narrowed his eyes watching him carefully as he swam around in a circle before lunging at him and ducking him under the water as it kicked off into a water fight. Dean didn't hold back as he ducked him under the water and he came back up spluttering and hitting his chest hard.

"Dean!" he whined rubbing his eyes and coughing. Dean sighed gripping his wrist as he held him up while he regained his breath. He swallowed looking out across the ocean while he panted next to his ear kicking at his legs for a moment to regain his breath.

"You're evil"

"Sure" Dean murmured softly letting him go when he regained composure. "It's your own fault"

Castiel rolled his eyes looking over to Balthazar talking to a group of ladies clearly in his element as he shown off. He laughed softly shaking his head and meeting Dean's eyes when he glared looking away.

"Should I give up now on you two being friends for my sake?"

"Yeah" Dean said flashing him a grin as he shoved him under the water again with a chuckle. The day drew to an end when the sun started to set and he drove them back with Castiel dozing in the passenger while Balthazar remained quiet in the back.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

After that it just grew more and more complicated for Dean who couldn't forget about it. The weeks passed by into July and August with Dean watching from afar while Castiel went from strength to strength on the healing path. His therapy was going more than well and the pair of them were coming to the end of their university year so it was a difficult, stressful and annoying time with Dean worrying about his essays, Castiel, and the whole unrequited love that he wasn't sure was so unrequited anymore.

"I got an offer today" Castiel said one day in August startling Dean away from his laptop.

"What?"

"Date…offer, I was chatted up in the cafe" Castiel said looking over to him sheepishly. Dean gaped at him for a moment before closing it with a snap.

"What did you say?"

"No" Castiel said shaking his head. "I don't think I'm ready…not after everything but I was tempted…he's very nice"

"Who is it?"

"His name is Roy Stevens"

"Roy? He sounds like a middle aged teacher, Cas, how old is he?"

"I'm not too sure…" Castiel said with a shrug.

Dean closed his eyes looking away from him. "Stupid name…"

Castiel looked down at his hands hiding a smile while Dean burrowed back into the cushions turning on the television with Castiel chucking down his book to do the same. It was how it ended up two hours later Dean was in the middle of watching The Simpsons when he looked down to see Castiel now dozing in his lap, his hands was stroking through the tousled hair and he realised he was a complete idiot. He stayed like that simply trailing his hands into his hair enjoying the softness and warmth of his weight against him till he felt him shift and move up blinking confused and peering around.

"Oh I'm sorry" he said looking at Dean who looked back shaking his head.

"It's fine" he reassured shifting up and stretching out his back and pushing his thumb into his mouth to nibble on his thumb.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine" Dean snapped back at him jumping up and walking into his bedroom shutting the door behind him.

"Fuck!" Dean hissed flopping down on his bed face first leaving Castiel to sit on the couch staring at his bedroom door confused. He hated how conflicted he felt and took it out on Sam on the phone the next day while he laughed down the phone at him and told him to stop being a big baby about it and talk to Castiel about it but in Dean's opinion that was the worst possible scenario. Dean was not big on words and feelings.

It all came to a dramatic change for the both of them when Dean caught Castiel flirting with a stranger in university all smiles, blushing, and exchanging numbers. The jealously was worse than it was with Balthazar who was still very much in the picture with the guy coming over any chance he had ignoring Dean focusing all his attention on Castiel.

"Are you sucking a lemon?" he heard and turned to see one of the girls, Becky, on his course staring at him curiously and over to Castiel. "You look seriously sour right now"

"No" he muttered looking down at his books on the table.

"Is he your boyfriend?"

"No" Dean said quickly looking up and over to him. "My best friend"

"You look seriously pissed that he's speaking to Jamie" she said with a soft snort. "Are you sure?"

"I'm straight" he argued back with a sneer slamming the cover down hard.

"So" she said with a shrug. "Just because you're straight doesn't mean you can't seriously like someone of the same gender a bit more than you should"

Dean frowned flicking his eyes over to her.

"Oh come on! You see it all the time on those shows or soaps as a matter of fact when the girl or boy falls helplessly in love with their best friend or someone they're close to. It does happen and if people want to label then it will be bisexual of course but…come on" she said with a smirk looking over to him. "No stirring feelings for gorgeous over there then"

"More like the other way around" Dean murmured rubbing his eyes.

"Oh!" Becky said pointing between them astonished. "_He _likes you and you don't share the same feelings"

"Kind of"

"So you don't feel anything apart from warm cushy friendship?"

"Why do you care, Becky?"

Becky sighed crushing her books to her chest shrugging. "I'm a hopeless romantic and I hate when people make themselves unhappy…and you'd be a really good looking couple…it's a little hot"

Dean flinched back from the look on her face and collected his things together watching Jamie say goodbye to Castiel who flushed looking down at the floor. His jealously flew inside of him like an irksome bug irritating him over and over again. He stormed away from Becky and out of the doors that crashed loudly behind him as he walked away from Castiel and down the road wanting to get away from flirting, annoying girls, and Castiel again.

Dean slammed the apartment door behind him hard throwing his things on the side running a hand through his hair as he stared at the picture on the wall. It was a picture of a forest that Castiel loved and Dean hated because it was nothing more than a forest in the spring. He breathed out slowly feeling an itch underneath his skin that wouldn't no matter how many times he flexed his hands, paced up and down, and eventually sat down. His routine was messed up when he heard the front door opening and Castiel walking in to stop and look at him with concern shining in his baby blues, his hair ruffled from the wind. He was wearing Dean's favourite shirt AC/DC because it was his wash day and they were always borrowing each other's clothes despite the size difference between them. They didn't care and no one commented about it so they carried on because they could.

"I saw you run out…are you okay?" Castiel said stripping out of his jacket and placing his satchel on the table walking over to him. "You look a little peaky, Dean, are you sick?"

Dean sighed annoyed when Castiel pressed hands against him and he shook his head pushing them away and moved to step away from him.

"Who was that guy?"

"What guy?"

"The one with the stupid hair, dyed blue and pink" he said with a roll of his eyes.

"Jamie Radcliffe? He's in my class" Castiel replied confused. "Is…is that why you stormed out?"

"I thought you weren't ready for dating!" Dean cried spinning to face him.

"I-I thought I wasn't but I haven't been with anyone since Marcus and…I think I'm ready" he said desperately shrugging his shoulders.

"Jamie though, really, Cas" Dean said with a scoff. "He looks like a demented smurf dude"

"What…Dean, he gave me his number! That's how these type of things happen these days and I thought you would happy I'm failing making a jump start on my life"

"Not with him"

"You don't even know him!"

"I don't want to! He looks like a douchebag, Cas, and you don't deserve him!" Dean shouted back to him.

Castiel scoffed shaking his head. "You are unbelievable so who do I deserve?!"

"No one! You are so much better than anyone out there, Cas!"

"What?! How does that make any sense, Dean?" he said frustrated when Dean rubbed a hand over his eyes.

"Because you're not ready, Cas, you're not and you know you're not and you certainly don't need the smurf to make you happy" Dean argued back reeling around to face him.

Castiel opened his mouth clearly hurt by Dean's words. "You are not me and I know when I'm ready, Dean!"

"Well clearly not" Dean snapped back at him.

Castiel blinked moving closer to him with narrowed eyes noticing the way Dean would not look into his eyes.

"There's a reason why you stormed out of there, Dean, and there's a reason you are arguing about this with me right now" Castiel said shoving his chest gently. "Tell me what's going on?"

"Why should I? You never do…keeping any secrets, Cas?"

"What? No"

"You're a liar"

"I'm not keeping secrets!" Castiel protested stepping back. "You're the one who is keeping secrets, Dean, so tell me why you stormed out of uni, why you are so against me dating people again…"

Dean scoffed turning his back on him feeling the war inside of him, the constant war raging on and screaming its frustration, and he gasped softly when Castiel spun him around with eyes wide in confusion and disbelief.

"Dean, tell me" he pleaded while Dean looked over him for a moment.

"You're a liar, you've been things from me for months and this…this is on a huge list of things you have been keeping from me" Dean said in a low voice seeing the confusion and hurt strike Castiel which soon turned into anger.

"I can never redeem myself for that can I? No, not for you, my best friend, and I don't know what you are talking about because I am not keeping secrets, Dean…" Castiel shouted shoving him roughly only to gasp when Dean shoved him back against the wall covering his lips in a hard kiss that left Castiel feeling a little frightened, alarmed, and a whole lot of confused but he couldn't help responding.

"Dean" he breathed in question when they parted but was silenced when Dean shook his head urgently kissing him once again and this time he responded immediately as he opened his mouth. His insides melted when Dean stroked his tongue against his and the roof of his mouth sending shivers of delight running through him as his hands reached fisting into the back of his hair. Their bodies automatically responded as Dean pushed him harder against the wall with a low moan. The moan did it for Castiel, it was needy, pained, and laced with something he couldn't quite pick up on just now because everything was so hot. His skin felt like it was on fire when Dean's hands trailed down his chest pushing up his t-shirt to grip his hips, his back and stomach.

Dean couldn't get enough. His mouth was just _awesome _and he tasted like old coffee and something spicy that he craved more and more as Castiel shoved off the wall pushing him towards the bedroom. His hands were touching bare skin and even though his whole body, his senses, and everything from his heart was crying out in alarm he couldn't stop. Clothes were shred as they crashed into Castiel's room kicking off shoes, jeans, and underwear till there was nothing but naked skin to skin contact that left Dean breathless and afraid when they tumbled onto his bed. It was striking him now he had never done this and he never ever thought to do this and now here he was. Castiel seemed to see the fear in his eyes and shushed him giving him a near enough filthy kiss as he moaned fingers scrambling against his back and he froze when he felt their cocks slide together.

"I'll take care of you" Castiel whispered urgently and Dean nodded when he kissed him again and Dean could not get enough as he cupped the back of his neck digging his nails in and opening his eyes when Castiel pulled away going through his drawer for what Dean could only imagine was lube and a condom. The fear was real when he realised what was about to happen and knew he should stop it right the fuck now because it was wrong, very, very, wrong but his mind and mouth were not cooperating.

The lube was cold and the finger suddenly inside of him was sudden and painful but with Castiel whispering soothing words and urging him to relax it was a little better. Dean panted clutching at the sheets underneath him as a second finger slipped inside of him and he said a sweet goodbye to his anal virginity being taken by his best friend.

"Fuck" Dean whined feeling his spine arch and his hips roll forward when Castiel crooked and scissored the fingers inside of him till he was loose and wet. It was like no time at all when suddenly there was pressure and a whole load of pain when Castiel slowly edged inside of him.

Castiel bent his head at the sudden and overwhelming heat of Dean's body taut and clamped around his cock. It was almost unbearable as he stood stock still inside of him feeling sweat gather and pool on his back and forehead. Dean moaned thrusting his hips upwards and moaning loudly at the sudden expected pleasure of his prostrate being stuck. It was incredible and he urged Castiel on who nodded wordlessly above him as they moved together. There were no words apart from moans and occasional grunts from the pair of them as their bodies slid together easily and Dean was brought to climax when he wrapped a hand around his cock pumping once, twice, and a third before clamping down as he shot his load across his hand and Castiel's stomach.

So, this was how Dean found himself months after the revelation staring up at the ceiling feeling a bone deep ache in his bones, muscles, and even ass with dried come on his stomach. Castiel slept next to him blissfully asleep in his post sex haze because he couldn't keep his eyes open.

"Oh god" Dean murmured as he looked over to him and reached over trailing his fingers down his cheek and stubble before pushing up out of the bed to get a shower. He stood under the warm spray wincing at the ache down below and stared at the white tiles feeling numb. Did that really just happen and what the hell was he going to do now?

**A/N: This turned out a lot longer than I planned but what the hell! I like it and I hope you do to.**


	19. Chapter 19

_**December 2008**_

Dean loved sex. He loved orgasms, he loved woman with soft skin, curves, breasts, and secret smiles but that was all in the past but that's all in the past because he's discovered _men _or man instead. Dean wasn't gay and if he was going to be given any label it would be bi-sexual but limited to only one man.

The aftermath of their first time was the kick off point when Dean stepped out of the shower still in disbelief and attempting to keep down a complete freak out, he wrapped a towel around his waist and walked out to see Castiel in nothing but a t-shirt, _his t-shirt, _and staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"I woke up and you were gone…I felt cheap and used before I heard the shower running" Castiel said when Dean ducked his head heading towards his own bedroom. "Dean, don't walk away and ignore this"

"I'm not! Just…just let me get dressed" Dean argued looking over his shoulder and proceeded to get dressed.

"What happened? Why did this happen?" Castiel murmured when he finished pulling on bottoms and a t-shirt. Dean swallowed turning to face him still feeling the ache and shrugged his shoulders.

"Why didn't you tell me how you really felt about me?"

Castiel opened his mouth stunned for a moment before closing it. "How do you know what I feel?"

"Well before was a big clue" Dean muttered rolling his eyes before sitting down on his bed with a wince. "Sam told me, we were talking and it slipped out and it made sense, it all made sense and then I couldn't stop thinking about…everything you did or said to me, the looks, the touching, the everything"

"So you decided I better take advantage and kiss me?" Castiel said slowly looking up at him with angry eyes.

"No…Cas, I tried, I fucking tried, alright? But I couldn't get you out of my head and then you were talking about dating and…I snapped!" he cried standing up and looking out of the window. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I? What did you want me to do, Dean, just slip it into a conversation…it was for my own reasons but that is not what we are talking about here, we are going to talk about the fact that we've just had sex!" he said stepping closer to him. "I don't understand…you've never shown any interest and you're straight"

Dean snorted with a nod looking out of the window. "I am straight"

"Oh no…I was your experiment wasn't I?" he breathed closing his eyes in horror.

"No of course you weren't, Cas, I wanted this to happen otherwise I wouldn't have let it happen, I'm not a teenager"

"So what was it?"

"I don't know, okay? But all I know is I wanted it and as much as I am secretly freaking out right now… I don't regret it" Dean murmured meeting his eyes. "I just couldn't get it and you out of my head and I wanted you to shut up so I kissed you and well…"

Castiel swallowed hard with a nod fidgeting with the hem of the t-shirt. "What-what happens now? I don't think I can forget and move on from this, Dean"

"I don't want that" Dean said urgently spinning around to face him. "I kind of had something in mind that could work for the both of us"

"What?" Castiel questioned warily.

"Friends…with benefits" he murmured biting into his bottom lip while Castiel stared at him with wide open eyes showing several emotions before stopping at curiosity. Dean was prepared for the shouting, the horror, and the rejection of that because no matter how much Dean wanted this, he didn't want the relationship crap that went along with it. That could ruin them forever.

"Friends with benefits" Castiel repeated looking away from him in silence for a long moment considering everything before nodding slowly.

"What, seriously" Dean muttered when he saw the bob of his head in what looked like agreement. "No shouting, hating me, no…nothing, just yes?"

Castiel bit his lip in amusement before nodding again walking towards him. "Yes"

Dean blinked in awe before moving that inch closer to touch his cheek and move gradually towards him when Castiel met him halfway in a small but sweet kiss.

So that was that. It took off from there as they began to explore in awkward baby steps as they moved around each other in the days that passed after. The problem for Dean though was it was like a drug for him now and he wanted it all the time. It started after their first time when the day after Dean had tried to ignore the lingering and almost aching want to push him into the floor so they could fuck. It grew too much when the lingering stare Castiel gave him when he arrived home from university. Dean took in the sight of him wearing a blue and brown jumper and jeans that didn't leave little to the imagination. Castiel blinked amused when he watched as the book he was reading was suddenly tugged from his hands and his legs parted as Dean settled in between his thighs.

"I was reading that"

"I can see that" Dean said as he boldly kissed his throat enjoying the soft gasp and hands reaching up the drag into his hair. He shivered when his nails scraped into his scalp and soon clothes were discarded and Dean was flat on his back on the couch, back bowed in pleasure while Castiel fingered him open with lip balm he had lingering around. It was only after when they both released their climaxes that they parted from each other to clean and shower was when Dean realised what was truly happening. It was just sex, casual sex between two friends and while it still felt awkward and strange it was very much needed on Dean's behalf. They didn't need to cuddle afterwards because it wasn't like that, not just yet.

Castiel sighed running a hand through his hair as he stared at the bathroom door. He wouldn't have agreed to it if it truly bothered him because he had Dean and it was one step forward instead of back to get what he truly wanted. He knew many would disagree with him about his actions but he'd rather have Dean like this then not at all.

To say that they had sex all the time was an understatement when the whole of the apartment had been covered, the toilets in university, outside in the park, in the car, and even in the back of the cinema when Dean dragged Castiel down onto the floor hushing him as he pulled at his belt. Dean couldn't resist him and loved catching him by surprise as he pounced on him any chance he got. He loved trailing his hands down Castiel's body and finding his weak spots, the one just under his ribs, the ticklish spot behind his knee and the fact he really did love having the back of his ear kissed and sucked.

It was the middle of October when Balthazar found out the truth. Castiel was sat on the couch typing on his laptop when Dean came out of his bedroom feeling bored and a little horny as he looked at Castiel not noticing him and more focused on his laptop. He hummed softly wandering into the kitchen getting a drink before walking back out and watching him carefully as he typed furiously. Eventually he paused rubbing at his eyes and shoved it to the side with a pained sigh.

"I think I need glasses, my eyes are hurting"

"You're working too hard that's why" Dean said coming over and kneeling on the couch as he rubbed a hand through his hair massaging the scalp. Castiel practically purred as he closed his eyes leaning into his touch and smirking when Dean pressed his lips to his forehead kissing and nuzzling the skin.

"Why am I not surprised?" Castiel murmured opening his eyes and chuckling when Dean kissed down his jaw enjoying the soft burn of his stubble against his lips. "You're constantly horny, Dean, I should have seen this coming"

"Shut up, Cas" he murmured grabbing the laptop and placing it on the side before shoving him on his back. Castiel rolled his eyes as his hands went fisting into his hair as they grinded against each other and Dean growled low tugging Castiel's top off and paying attention to his chest. Castiel was lost in the pleasure of it when his phone rang startling him and he gasped when he realised he was meant to be meeting Balthazar for lunch.

"Dean, stop" he hissed shoving at his chest as he answered it.

"Cassy! Have you stood me up?"

"No…no, just-just lost track of time and…_oh" _Castiel stuttered and gasped with a moan when Dean kissed behind his ear with a malicious smile.

"Cas?"

"Sorry, sorry, just…give me fifteen minutes…no, stop it" Castiel hissed at him when Dean bit into his neck sucking the blood to the surface.

"Castiel, are you having sex?!" Balthazar shouted down the phone causing him to wince and scold Dean with a fierce glare when he chuckled kissing down his chest.

"Look…just give me fifteen, _ah_, thirty minutes" he said when Dean bit him with a shake of his head. "I will be there, I promise"

"You are! You're having sex on the phone to me, you…who is it?"

"I-I have to go" Castiel cried tossing the phone when Dean pulled down his underwear fastening a mouth over the head sucking softly. Dean wasn't particularly keen on giving blow jobs but he was not selfish in bed and he did it for him. Castiel gasped hands fastened into the short hair pulling and urging him on as he bent his knees. He knew what they must look like and it sent a thrill through him, Castiel flat on his back with his underwear and jeans around his ankles with Dean's head bobbing in between his thighs, a red flush on his chest and cheeks as he rolled his hips forward into the warm wet mouth.

Dean sucked him down being careful not to gag as he licked and swallowed till he heard that soft hitch of breath and knew Castiel was ready. The climax was sudden but Dean did good as he swallowed down the bitter liquid. Castiel panted and stared up at Dean as he crawled up tapping his cheek gently.

"Don't you have a lunch date?" Dean teased pushing up off him while he lay there panting and glaring at his retreating back.

"I hate you, Dean Winchester" he murmured pulling his underwear up over his now soft and sensitive cock. He felt like jelly as he sat up, his ears ringing and his eyesight blurred as he attempted to calm down and regain composure. Dean grinned at him as he pulled on his jacket and scarf and attempted to tame his hair.

"Keep it like that, I love that sex hair"

"I look like I've been royally fucked" Castiel murmured with a frown.

"Yeah" Dean said with a nod slapping his ass. "Go on then, Balthazar is waiting"

"I hate you"

"I know" Dean said with a smile and a shrug.

Castiel slammed the door as he walked out but couldn't stop the smile lighting his face. He arrived in no time at all to see Balthazar chatting up the waitress and the smile on his face drop when Castiel slid into the seat giving him a sheepish look.

"Ah here he is! Forty five minutes late" Balthazar said with a dark look. "Thank you darling"

The waitress blushed hurrying away and leaving them to it.

"You were having sex whilst on the phone to me and I have one guess who it will be…" Balthazar said sliding a tea over to him and four sashes of sugar. "Pray tell Cassy when did you and Dean start shagging?"

"Shagging is such a vulgar word" Castiel murmured with a nose wrinkle of disgust. "I am not _shagging_ Dean, we're just…it's…" he said trailing off and meeting his eyes. "It's friends with benefits"

"What?"

"It just happened, it was a few weeks ago and Dean kissed me, we had sex, and we made an agreement"

"To be friends with benefits?! Oh come on, you know those do not work out"

"Dean is not ready, truly ready, for a relationship" he said with a shrug. "It works out for the both of us"

"Oh yeah I'm sure it does…nice love-bite" Balthazar said poking at the red mark on the neck with a stirrer. Castiel winced batting his hand away and sighed softly.

"I know, okay? It isn't exactly the best of situations…"

"The best of situations…oh darling, he has you right where he wants you without the whole load of relationship shit that comes along with it. Let me guess, you're fucking like rabbits"

"Yes, it's like three times a day without fail in all sorts of positions and places I didn't know people could have sex on. I have bruises were I didn't think possible, carpet burns from Dean's bedroom floor because he loves having sex on the floor because he thinks it's desperate and a lot more fun" Castiel ranted stirring his tea and sipping it. "It's not like I can stop it because it's the best sex I have ever had, he knows how to use mouth when he isn't irritating me with words, and I love him, I'm very, very in love with him and if it means subjecting myself to be a friend with benefits then I will for the time being while Dean deals with this because I refuse to pressure him into a relationship because he's terrified of feelings, commitment and I know it scares him to death that if we do end up together, properly together, that we could break up and he could lose me"

Castiel breathed out panting and stared at Balthazar who was staring at him with wide eyes, his mouth comically open and nothing but silence and the chatter of people around them.

"Wow…" Balthazar murmured picking at his cookie. "I am honestly speechless"

"I'm sorry; I guess that was a little too much detail into my sex life"

"Just a bit"

"It just happened and its okay now, it was awkward at first but now it's just like the same expect I now know what Dean looks like when he climaxes"

Balthazar winced in disgust covering his eyes while Castiel chuckled into his tea.

"I apologise, I couldn't resist" he said stealing a bit of his cookie. "I'll stop talking about sex with Dean and we'll talk about something else"

"Please!" Balthazar said with a shake of his head. "I never want to hear stories of how Dean climaxes or your positions"

"He clenches all up, he does this soft little gasp and whine before climaxing and I do have a particular fondness for riding him" he said and covered his mouth in laughter when Balthazar threw up his hands darting up and out of the door. Castiel sipped his tea with a smile feeling devious and waited till Balthazar came back in with a dark look of murder in his eyes.

"It just slipped out"

"You're pure evil sweetheart Balthazar hissed sliding into the seat.

"I have no one to talk to about this; I thought you wouldn't mind that much"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"Fine" Castiel said with a shrug.

Balthazar regarded him for a long moment and shook his head. "I have a bad feeling you're going to get very hurt by this and after everything…"

"Dean is my best friend; he would never hurt me, not intentionally"

"So what if he hurts you intentionally"

"He wouldn't, I know him better than anyone else out there and he would never do that to me despite our circumstances"

"Okay…but don't come to me when he breaks that heart of yours"

Castiel narrowed his eyes and didn't bother replying as he looked down at his tea.

"Anyway, I have a job!" Balthazar announced to his relief as they moved away from his "relationship" with Dean to other more interesting news.

Dean was curled up on the couch watching the news with a vague interest when the front door opened and he looked over watching Castiel walk in. He zeroed in on the slightly glum and tired expression with concern till he walked over silently slipping down next to Dean curling into him.

"Is everything okay?"

"Balthazar knows now"

Dean stiffened glancing down at him lying on his chest with closed eyes. "Did you tell him?"

"He guessed, Dean, he heard us on the phone how could he not figure it out?"

"True I guess"

Castiel hummed breathing in that sharp smell of the aftershave he loved a lot; there was also an undertone of soap, skin, sweat, and coffee. Those were the smells Castiel loved the most and he couldn't help but nuzzle into his chest inhaling the smell deeply. Dean watched bemused stroking a hand into the back of his hair for a moment before looking over to TV watching the news again. It was moments like this that they both loved, they could just sit in each other's company for however long before the urges and desire kicked in and Castiel was fucking him into the sofa till they spent, sweaty, and sore.

They both kept it a secret and that way till Christmas and it was time to go back to Kansas and celebrate Christmas and New Year with the family. Dean cast a look over to Castiel the day they were leaving as they packed things and made arrangements. The thought of not being able to have sex with him sent a nervous feeling spreading through him and he didn't even stop to think as he walked over gripping Castiel by the shoulders and slamming him into the wall. The pictures pinned there shook as he covered his mouth in a kiss that Castiel eagerly responded to as Dean hoisted him up so he was pinned against the wall with his legs wrapped around his waist. Castiel gasped amused stroking his hands into the back of his hair when Dean sucked and kissed his neck carrying all his weight but that didn't matter as long as Dean kept on kissing his neck and their cocks were grinding together very nicely.

"Fuck, Dean" Castiel whispered sounding wrecked already to Dean's ears before Dean thrown him on the wall almost winding him but it didn't matter as he arched up clinging to his back.

"Clothes…bad…take …off" Dean mumbled as they tugged till shirts flew off along with pants and underwear as they settled with Dean kneeling in between his spread legs attacking his collarbone and neck with kisses and tugs of the skin. Castiel moaned loudly dragging his hands down his back, the nails leaving fine red marks which would show up later like a mark and a reminder of what they have done. Castiel gasped when Dean pushed off fishing the lube out of his pocket and roughly spreading his legs apart to get better access.

It sent a thrill through Castiel as he watched him and loved the rough play with Dean as he slicked his fingers up before sliding them in with a sharp jab at his entrance. His back arched at the sudden pain and lashing of pleasure that came with it as Dean scissored and fingered him open. Castiel reached up dragging him down into a hard kiss trailing his tongue against his as he bit into his lip tasting blood and pulling away with a gasp when Dean slid a second inside quickly.

Dean in his own mind still wasn't used to this, he was the pushy bottom but in moments of rare opportunity he was the top in this situation.

"Dean, please" Castiel pleaded wrapping his legs around his waist clinging to him so there was no sliver of air between them. Dean nodded gripping his hips as he thrusted inside of him inch by inch watching Castiel as he gasped wordlessly burying his face into the side of his neck.

"Move" he hissed biting into the skin and smirking when Dean moaned into his ear starting to thrust his hips slowly into him as they worked up a rhythm. Dean didn't hold back as he fucked Castiel into the floor gripping the top of his hair and losing himself in the sensation of burning hot and pleasure seeping into his veins. Dean reached down wrapping a hand around his cock as he stroked him teasingly slow. Castiel shook his head biting hard into his lip when Dean flicked his thumb over the head teasing the slit and pausing when Castiel cried out slamming a hand on the floor as he climaxed shooting his load across his stomach and hand. Dean hummed pressing closer so he sealed it between them as he thrusted into his now relaxed body till he grunted with a soft gasp and Castiel hid a smile into his shoulder feeling the hot pulse of warmth inside him.

"I swear if we don't get to do this…" Dean murmured as they broke apart to get ready. Castiel grabbed his hand as he hauled him up on unsteady legs and they collected their clothes and he frowned at the come slowly dripping out of him.

"How can we have sex, Dean, we're going to be under the same roof of my brother, your brother, my little sister and worst of all my mother"

"We'll work it out" Dean muttered poking his bare chest as he walked by.

"You're addicted" Castiel said with a smug smile.

"You're only just figuring this out" Dean said innocently.

"No"

"You're cute; go get your bags because we're leaving in ten"

They arrived there hours later to snow slowly falling to the ground as the front door opened and the whole family practically fell out. Dean met Castiel's eyes for a moment before they stepped out greeting the family with hugs and greetings.

"Jesus, you're like a tree" Dean said eyeing Sam as they hugged it out and he stepped back looking him over. "How are you?"

"I'm alright" he said with a shrug. Dean narrowed his eyes at him sensing the tension in him and glanced over to Gabriel.

"Later" Sam said with a shake of his head when Dean indicated his head.

"Baby" Karen cried as she clung to him pressing a kiss to his cheek before cupping them. "How are you feeling? How's therapy? Is everything okay with the cravings?"

"Mom, calm down, I'm okay, I'm doing okay and all I want to do is celebrate Christmas this time instead of in rehab" he said reassuringly.

"Cas!" Anna screeched as she ran down and thrown herself into his arms. He clung to her breathing in the smell of strawberry shampoo and cookies; it was comforting and the smell of home.

"Come on" Castiel murmured as they walked inside out of the snow and the cold of December. Dean waited outside with Sam who fidgeted until the door closed and Dean waved at Castiel who raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Go" Dean murmured with a wave of his hand and looked at Sam. "Spill it"

"Things have been a little tense between us since he came back from China…"

"Tense?"

"He, um, he still thinks I'm too young and he won't accept that all I want is him"

Dean winced a moment before nodding and peering at him. "Have you…you know…made a move?"

"No, why would I when he wants nothing to do with me like that"

"I thought I was the clueless one" Dean said exasperated. "Make a move, Sam, just do it, don't think of the consequences and kiss the sonofabitch"

"Are you speaking from experience?"

"Nope" Dean lied slapping his shoulder and moving inside out of the cold. He sat down next to Castiel who was sat with Anna on his lap as she chatted on and on about school, stories, her "boyfriend" and her friend, Rachel, and how they were best friends forever. Dean saw out of the corner of his eyes as Sam leaned into whisper in Gabriel's ear looking at the stairs. Gabriel frowned at him glancing at the family before nodding and they slunk away heading upstairs. Dean cast his eyes down Castiel lingering for a moment before looking away and wanted "bedtime" now like it was life or death which was stupid but he didn't care.

"Okay, you dragged me away from my loving family, so what do you need?" Gabriel said standing in the middle of their room staring at Sam who fidgeted not able to look him in the eyes before his composure stiffened and he walked over.

"This" he said before ducking his head down capturing his lips in a brief kiss. It was nothing more than a brush of their lips before he pulled back with a hard swallow and Gabriel stared at him in pure shock before something clicked and Gabriel tugged him forward into a deeper kiss. Sam groaned in surprise as they fell against the cupboard mouths slick and their tongues sliding together as they kissed. It was broken by Gabriel who freaked out internally shoving him back shaking his head.

"Oh fuck…Sam, why did you do that?"

"I took advice from my big brother"

"Dean? Yeah the guy completely deluded" he said wiping at his mouth and shaking his head. "I'm too old for you"

"I don't give a damn about age"

"You should"

"I want you!" he hissed at Gabriel who turned away rubbing his lips together like savouring the taste. "I have always wanted you, you know this and you keep turning me away!"

"Because you're too young, Sam, you're still practically a teenager and I am not good enough for you" Gabriel argued back. "This was a mistake, we can't…we just can't, okay?"

Sam swallowed hard looking from him fighting that fierce burn behind his eyes and the threat of tears clogging up his throat. Gabriel sighed for a long moment before retreating back and walking out when Sam was left alone he closed his eyes feeling the moisture spike and a tear slip down his cheek. Gabriel hurried downstairs grabbing his jacket ignoring the questioning looks and hurried out walking down the path when he heard the front door open. He turned to see Castiel walking up to him.

"What are you doing?"

"You looked upset so I'm following you and I want to spend time with my brother"

"Ass" Gabriel muttered as they walked down the street.

"What happened? You and Sam went upstairs and then…well I guess what ever happened was a disaster"

Gabriel shrugged looking away from him. "Sam might have kissed me…maybe"

"Oh" Castiel murmured with a nod. "Is that not a good thing?"

"Don't be stupid, Castiel, he's just a kid"

"He's far from a kid, Gabe, have you seen him lately?"

"Yeah, he's tall, ridiculously tall, he's gorgeous, smart, funny, and everything I am not. He deserves someone so much better for him than me!"

"But he doesn't want anyone else, he wants you, he has always wanted you and you know that but you deliberately ignored it over and over again till it's reached this point, Gabriel, where he is desperately trying to get your attention" Castiel said stopping him in the middle of the pathway. "Gabriel, he is not a kid, he's a grown man and after years of pining…don't you think he deserves a little credit"

"Says the one" Gabriel said with a scoff. "Are you still pining for Dean?"

"I have Dean" Castiel said meeting his eyes.

"What?"

"Let's just leave it at that, I'd rather not go into detail about it but I have him and it's not the best of situations and I'd rather it was more but I have him and he has me" Castiel said with a shrug. "Just…ignore the age, ignore the differences, and just imagine for one moment how happy you could be together…I see the way you look at him, Gabe, I'm not stupid"

"I can't…"

"The only person stopping this is _you _and you're making yourself and Sam unhappy so only you can change it" Castiel snapped staring into his eyes. "Now come on, I'm cold and I want tea"

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

It was late when they returned and walked in with the room dark and the only source of light from the Christmas tree.

"Goodnight" Castiel murmured when they walked upstairs and he walked into the bedroom to see Dean under the covers with his eyes closed. He stripped off sliding into the other side quietly settling when Dean moved rolling over to face him.

"You were gone long"

"We caught up on our lives…Sam kissed Gabriel"

"I know I was…comforting him" Dean said with a shrug. "He was real cut up"

"Gabriel will sort it" Castiel whispered when Dean pressed his nose to his cheek. "No…Dean, no"

"Fuck" Dean whispered staring into his eyes as he drew back. "Fine, you little tease"

"How did I tease?"

"Just being you" Dean murmured rolling him over when Castiel chuckled so he became the little spoon and Dean curled around him.

Gabriel sat on the bed looking at Sam facing the wall, his back taut and stiff so he knew he was awake. He bit into his lip debating before giving in and sliding over to him to press against his back, he slid his hand over finding Sam's hand and interlocking them together tightly waiting for a reaction which he got immediately. Sam turned shocked staring into his eyes and paused waiting till Gabriel leaned in giving him a soft but tender kiss and let him go with a small smile.

"Go to sleep" he murmured pressing his cheek into his hair while Sam turned thrumming with delight and exhaustion as he closed his eyes clinging to his hand. It was somewhat perfect for both couples…for now.

**A/N: You lot make me laugh! (in a good way) with all your "Dean will fuck it up" and the answer is of course he will! It's only 08/09 and it's 14 they're truly together. Thank you so much for all your reviews and support. **


	20. Chapter 20

_**September 2014**_

"Dress warm!" Dean shouted into the bedroom. Despite the fact it was September the chill of winter was slowly creeping in quicker than accepted. News reports were already hinting at snow which he wildly freaked out about. Snow was not good for what he wanted.

"Why? Where are you taking me?" Castiel said with a scowl leaning against the doorframe. "Come back to bed, I'll let you top"

"Cas, we had sex all day yesterday and the day before, you horny bugger" Dean murmured with a shake of his head. Castiel flashed him a small smile shrugging his shoulders.

"It's better than going out into the freezing cold"

"No, you're just constantly horny so no go get dressed up warm" Dean said looking over his shoulder and flashing him a smile. "Please"

"This better be good" Castiel warned with a sigh retreating into the room. "I'm giving up a whole night of bed warmth, body warmth, and orgasms"

"Oh shut up and come on" Dean called to him and smiled when he came out in his coat and hat.

"You're adorable" Dean cooed and laughed when Castiel frowned standing in front of him. Dean couldn't resist kissing him as he bent his head touching his lips.

"Smile" he whispered waiting till he saw the lips twitch unto a smile before it dropped into a frown.

"It'll be good, I swear" he said holding out his hand for Castiel to take as they slid their fingers together interlocking hands. Dean led the way as they walked out sliding into the car while Castiel huffed glancing at him as they drove down the street. Castiel looked out of the window staring at the passing street lights content till fifteen minutes later Dean stopped parking next to a hill.

"Why…Dean, why are we here?"

"Oh shut up and come on" Dean said with a sigh climbing out of the car and beckoning him over. Castiel walked over slowly taking his hand as he they walked together over the dark grass climbing up the hill. He was just thankful it wasn't slippery with rain as they climbed to the top and Castiel panted out of breath glaring at Dean.

"There had better be a good reason why you have dragged me out into the freezing cold night onto a hill when right now I could be riding you" he said narrowing his eyes at Dean who grinned shaking his head.

"Just shut up, Cas" he said pulling him towards him and pointing out to the sky. Castiel turned his head with a resigned sigh when an explosion startled him and he looked up at the eye watching the squealing firework explode in the sky bathing them in light for a moment before it faded. He gasped in surprise looking at Dean who shrugged as the fireworks continued and he gaped at Dean.

"Was this you?"

"No, Santa Claus, you've been such a good boy this year…" Dean muttered sarcastically till Castiel collided shoving at him with delight shining in his eyes.

"Dean…"

"Cas, this is the anniversary of the day we met and I wanted to do something…you always said I wasn't impulsive enough and I know your secret love for fireworks so I arranged it with a few friends from work" he said stroking the hair away from his forehead. Castiel stared back with flushed cheeks and awe etched into his face as he pulled him into a fierce kiss. Dean hummed in content pressing his forehead against his till he felt Castiel shiver not in pleasure but in coldness. He hummed as he unzipped his jacket pulling him towards him so he was pressed chest to chest without a sliver of air between them and wrapped the jacket around him.

Castiel smiled into his t-shirt staring up at the fireworks still squealing and exploding in the sky, Dean's smell washed over him as he inhaled the aftershave he loved a lot, the faint smell soap, cheap coffee from the hospital, and pie from earlier. Warmth surrounded him instantly and he smiled when Dean placed his chin on top of his head with a small hum.

"I can't believe you did this" he murmured peeking up at him and smiling when Dean kissed him deeply.

"You forgot" Dean breathed with a smile.

"I did not! I thought you forgot so I didn't bring it up"

"I wouldn't forget, Cas, not after everything" he murmured kissing down his jaw peppering it with small kisses while Castiel stared up at the sky when the latest firework went off.

"Tell me you love me" Castiel whispered meeting his eyes.

"I love you" he replied after a moment wrapping his arms tighter around him. "You're mine…"

"…and I'm yours" Castiel said finishing the sentence and smiled into his cheek when Dean huffed kissing his jaw.

"That was so cheesy" Dean whispered into his ear before turning them so they were facing it completely with Castiel's back to Dean. "The final show before my buddies head home"

"How much did you pay them?"

"Doug owed me and I paid Jack a healthy sum of money to freeze his ass off so I could give my boyfriend a display of fireworks" Dean murmured into his ear when the fireworks above them crackled, squealed and exploded into pretty lights.

"I love it, I love you, and I'm so happy your memory is good" Castiel said wriggling back into his chest even more with glee when the final firework went off and they both heard a whistle.

"Thanks guys!" Dean hollered down the hill. Castiel tilted his head back before spinning in his arms to face him.

"Is there anything else?"

"Now that would be cheating…"

Castiel gasped touching his cheek. "Is there?"

"Remember that conversation back in 2010 when we talking about…" he said trailing off when Castiel gasped covering his mouth.

"Egypt? Dean, Egypt?!"

"How do you fancy a two week trip?" he said and grunted with laughter when he tackled him to the ground kissing him hard and eagerly.

"Dean!" he said astonished. "How-how did you manage to book a trip without me knowing?"

"Because I'm clever" he whispered up to him trailing his fingers down his cheek. "We need a break, Cas, and you've always wanted to go because you're a dork and love the Egyptians"

"How did you get time off?"

"Holidays needed to be used and because I could! Stop questioning everything" Dean said with a sigh poking his nose hard.

Castiel huffed straddling his waist and sitting up. "Do you blame me?"

"No…"

"I love you, I love you so much" Castiel said feeling giddy as he bent down kissing him. Dean soothed him as he rolled them till they were lying side by side kissing lazily in the grass.

"Just you, me, sand, sea, alcohol sex, lots of sex, and Egyptians" Dean murmured pressing his forehead against his. "I needed to do this for you"

"Dean…"

"Shut up" Dean said placing a finger against his lips. "It's freezing so let's go get something warm and go home"

"To pack" Castiel said pulling back. "When are we leaving?"

"Two days"

"Two days?! We need to pack now!" Castiel cried freaking out as he tugged at Dean who rolled his eyes at his freaking out throwing out things they needed. Dean paused planting his feet on the grass and laughing loud when Castiel stumbled nearly falling over in front of him.

"Cas, come here" he said waiting for him to come over to him confused. "Breathe in…and out…calm down, okay? We'll get this sorted and everything will be okay because if you don't calm down I'm going to kill you"

"You'd never kill me, you'd fall apart without me" Castiel murmured with an eye roll wrapping his arms around his neck. "I'm sorry, you know I worry"

"Yeah I do" Dean muttered with a sigh kissing him briefly before taking his hand and tugging him towards the car. "I have a lot sorted, I have passports, spending money, and all we have to do is pack which will take one day at best"

"Tomorrow!" Castiel said on the edge of panic till Dean flashed him a look. "Dean, we have to pack!"

"Well I want pie, god, you're such a nag"

"Oh don't you dare start on that; I'm not the one who booked a holiday which we are flying out to in 48 hours!" Castiel argued as they slid into the car.

"I'll leave you behind!"

"You wouldn't dare"

"Oh wouldn't I" Dean said with a small smile as he pulled out driving to the nearest 24 hour café. Castiel scowled only to calm when Dean locked their hands together with a gentle squeeze.

"You wouldn't be able to cope, you need me" Castiel said softly looking over to him. "I complete you"

"You're a sappy fucker" Dean said with a shake of his head.

"We're like puzzles…eventually we come back together no matter what happens"

"Cas!" Dean whined looking over to him while he looked back at him innocently. "The cheesiness is too much"

"It is not cheesiness, Dean, its fact, you couldn't cope without me…imagine if I had died…"

"Cas" Dean snapped looking over to him with a sharp look.

"Dean, just imagine for one second…"

"I don't want to!"

"Why not"

"Because it hurts too much, okay? I don't want to think about it or you being dead because it hurts too much so just…stop it" Dean snapped dragging his hand away clenching the wheel in a tight grip. Castiel bit into his lip looking away from him feeling very guilty but knew not to test him when he was like this. Dean hopped out slamming the door hard when they arrived not bothering to wait for Castiel who closed his eyes condemning himself for his own stupidity. He eventually climbed out of the car following after him and sighing softly as he slid into the booth facing Dean. Castiel opened his mouth to speak when Dean held up a finger at him with a stern look on his face.

"No, I don't…I don't want to talk" he said grabbing the menu. Castiel swallowed hard looking away from him as they sat in complete silence. The tension was awkward and think between them as Dean ordered his usual and Castiel refused anything watching Dean who refused to meet his eyes.

"Dean…" he said softly.

"No" Dean said meeting his eyes. "Just…no"

Castiel bit into his lip when Dean threw down the bill walking out of there. Castiel let out a huff following after him sliding into the car shaking his head.

"Dean, this is ridiculous, I'm sorry, okay? I know it's still a little raw and I am sorry for bringing it up…" Castiel ranted at him.

"Cas!" Dean cried glaring at him and looking away.

"Fine" he snapped looking out of the window twisting his body away from him cursing again his stupidity again. He hated fighting with Dean; it always left him feeling bitter and remorseful even when it wasn't fault at all. The end result ended with them going to their own rooms both in a bad mood with each other. Castiel stared up at the ceiling feeling restless, guilt stirring in his chest and making him feel very sick, and he sighed pushing up out of the bed and heading into Dean's room to see him in the exact same position.

Castiel sighed deeply crawling over the bed and burrowing under the covers staring at Dean till he turned over facing him.

"I'm sorry, I hate fighting with you and I know it's hard for you…I wasn't thinking" he murmured tucking close to him and closing his eyes when Dean kissed him softly on the forehead.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you and…yeah" he murmured with a sigh kissing him softly. Castiel looked up meeting his eyes pushing their foreheads together. Dean trailed his fingers down his cheek and neck feeling the pulse dance and pulse underneath his fingertips and he hummed wriggling down to push his ear against his chest listening to the thump of his heart against his ear. Castiel looked down at him combing his hands through his hair knowing the exact reason of why did this. It was common practise between them now while Dean listened to the thump of his heart soothing the ache in his chest when he remembered that day and night.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**June 2009**_

It had been six months since Christmas, since the start of Gabriel and Sam's relationship and the ever continuing "friends with benefits" between Castiel and Dean still raging on even now but it was growing more and more strained with each passing day. It was easy to just fall into bed with each other every night kissing, touching, and feeling and Castiel loved it. He loved pinning Dean into the mattress and feeling him twitch underneath his hands, hearing his soft moans and gasps when he climaxed or became too strung up on pleasure and he secretly loved it even more when he could sit back and let Dean take full control as he was pressed into the mattress with Dean's weight pinning him there.

Then afterwards was when it grew painful for Castiel as he watched Dean climb out of the bed going for a shower and climbing into his own bed. He lay there with a feeling of satisfaction and a cold feeling of being used but this is how it was. It was just sex, letting go of frustrations and the end of university and the oncoming storm of hunting for jobs was spurring them on as they lost themselves in each other.

But while Dean was more than fine with the current situation, Castiel on the other hand was not as he watched from the side lines while Dean flirted with woman and even men right in front of him like it was nothing. Castiel would be in a bad mood with him till Dean came sliding over using his charm as he poked, teased and kissed him into a better mood not bothering to know why he was in a bad mood in the first place. Castiel affirmed it and decided that two could play at that game as he himself flirted with others around Dean and was more than thrilled that the reaction he wanted was Dean was coming through.

An example came when they in a supermarket buying their weekly groceries and flirted with the cashier who blushed and smiled at Castiel in return. He turned to look at Dean holding his hand out for the money was kept down the satisfaction at seeing anger bubbling behind Dean's eyes as he slapped the money into his hand glaring at the cashier named, "Joshua" and stormed away with the trolley.

"Have a n-nice day" he stuttered when Castiel winked at him moving away and following after Dean at the car throwing the items in the back.

"What the hell was that?" Dean raged at him when they got into the car.

"Dean, what are you talking about?" he questioned innocently feeling smug when Dean huffed angrily speeding out of Wal-Mart.

It continued on like a game between them as they continued the façade of flirting, eyeing up, and making a show of themselves with other people till it came too much and the angry sex between them was a huge bonus. Castiel revelled off the wall slamming, rough pushes to the floor, the biting, and even dominance over him when Dean got angry or frustrated with him. It was just a game.

Whilst there's was slowly falling apart around them, Sam and Gabriel's was battling strong as they took it one step at a time from first dates, first kisses, more kisses, foreplay and then eventual sex which Sam called Dean immediately after boasting about it till Dean chucked the phone at Castiel gagging and screaming at Sam. Gabriel was proud that he made the final step even if the age difference had raised an eyebrow from Karen when they told her at dinner one night, hands linked together, and sheepish looks off the pair of them. Karen eyed them both carefully telling them to be careful and no loud "hanky panky" under her roof. Sam had flushed while Gabriel grimaced in disgust at the name and even the mention. Their first time had been slow, torturous, just the side of painful but perfectly amazing for Sam who had his virginity took from him to Gabriel's astonishment since he assumed Sam had it already taken. Sam told him that he wanted Gabriel to be his first and only and when he told Dean, Dean had forced himself not to gag down the phone.

They were still going strong while Castiel was watching his crumble around him. It was the middle of spring and he was inside staring at his computer screen staring at vacancies for jobs chewing his thumb nervously while Dean was out somewhere. He sighed pushing the laptop away as he put his music on and made some tea. Castiel stood in the kitchen staring at nothing not hearing Dean come in and jumped out of his skin when arms went around his shoulders and he turned his head to see Dean smiling at him.

"Hello, I didn't hear you"

"Yeah because you got your shitty classical music on" Dean said with a frown moving over to switch it off. Castiel sniffed the air confused moving to Dean and stared at him.

"What's that smell?"

"What smell?" Dean said looking up at him with a frown.

"You smell like…perfume" Castiel muttered with a tilt of his head. "Is this a new trend?"

"What?" Dean said with a shake of his head. "I got a hug from Becky before"

"That would explain it" Castiel said with a nod and a smirk moving away to stir sugar into his tea. Dean swallowed moving away and heading to his bedroom to change and stared down at the hickey marks on his hips from the girl he had just fucked. Amber? Stacy? He didn't know but she was hot with big breasts so it didn't matter but why did he feel so guilty. Dean changed into clean clothes spraying the aftershave Castiel loved on him and returned to see him now at his computer. He hummed moving closer and wrapping his arms around his neck again staring at the screen.

"Oh wow…job hunting" Dean murmured with a grimace when Castiel nodded with a pout.

"It has to be done…like yours!" Castiel said poking him in the cheek. "You have to get a job, Dean, the rent won't pay for itself"

"You're cute when you get all flustered" he murmured into his ear before biting into ear gently.

"You are not charming me into bed, go away" Castiel muttered shoving him away.

"Harsh"

"You're a big boy" Castiel murmured focused as he filled in an application form. "You have a right hand for a reason"

"I don't want to wank"

"Then grit your teeth and supress those urges" he said with a small smirk.

Dean rolled his eyes brushing a hand down his face as he dropped on the sofa already sexually frustrated. His foot jutted up and down as he sneaked glances over to him and felt a little relieved when he slammed the lid down closing his eyes.

"I need fresh air, do you fancy coming with me?"

"Nah, I'm alright, I'll see you later" Dean muttered with a sigh looking over to the window.

"Okay"

Castiel didn't pick up on Dean's odd behaviour when he left but he did in the next few days and weeks that passed as Dean grew more increasingly clingy and somehow distant at the same time as he came back reeking of cheap perfume or even aftershave that wasn't his, he was constantly on his phone, disappearing at odd hours and sometimes not returning until the next day claiming he got "too drunk". Castiel had every right to be suspicious as he watched him from the corner of his eye till he got his answer one day when Dean went to the toilet leaving his phone. His phone flashed with a message that Castiel seized flicking open the message to see one new from a person called "Mattie" claiming "he had a great a great time and could they do it again"

Castiel felt his chest and heart clench in fear and despair as he read through the messages and it all clicked as he realised Dean was sleeping around with more people. He held up the phone when Dean came in and paused staring at him before looking at the phone and back to him.

"Did you read my messages?"

"Yes"

"What the fuck, Cas?"

"It's a great way to prove you're a liar and a whore" Castiel said slowly chucking at his feet.

"What?!" Dean said astonished picking his phone up. "I am not a whore!"

"Oh really? So the multiple of women and men on your phone are all liars claiming how amazing, how good you are in bed, and can they have a second time" Castiel spat at him pushing up and shaking his head at him.

Dean scoffed shaking his head. "Why does it matter? We're friends with benefits, Cas! It means two friends having causal sex without all the feelings and the relationship shit that goes along with it"

"You're unbelievable" Castiel whispered shaking his head. "That is really your explanation of this…we're friends with benefits so why not fuck the whole of Oklahoma while I'm at it!"

"It's not like that!"

"So tell me how it is!" Castiel shouted angrily back at him. "How can you stand there and just calmly accept this! I know what is between us, Dean, I know more than anyone but I'm not fucking any pretty boy or girl I see because I am not a little slut like you, Dean fucking Winchester, you are a sexually frustrated slut that can't keep it in pants for no more than five minutes"

Castiel turned away dragging a hand into his hair. "How many times did you come back reeking and stinking of another person before sliding into my bed?"

Dean clenched his jaw tight looking away from Castiel who gestured a hand at him.

"I bet you don't even know…just another hole to stick your cock in, Dean isn't it? I wasn't enough for your needs was I? I don't care what is between us and what isn't! I saw the signs of this long before you knew but I couldn't face it really…you're my best friend, Dean"

Dean swallowed hard turning hard eyes over to him. "That's it, Cas, just knock out the cruel words for me. I don't understand why it's such a big deal…"

"That's the problem!" Castiel shouted at him. "You don't see it, you never see it, you never understand how I feel when you walk away from me every single time getting shower and leaving me in that bed feeling like a cheap whore! I am just another notch on that bedpost, Dean, you didn't and you don't care about my feelings as long as you get what you want and I couldn't give it to you so you went out and found Mattie, Rochelle, Martine, and some guy called Luke to do it for you!"

Dean blinked at the tears forming in Castiel's eyes as he turned away shaking his head. The pain spreading through Castiel was like fire, the urge to cry roaring inside of him as he felt moisture prick his eyes and he closed them turning his back on him.

"This is what you wanted, we're friends with benefits, not boyfriends, I…don't want that and I thought you didn't as well. I slept with other people…big deal!" Dean said with a scoff. "I don't understand the freak out here, Cas, because you would do the same and you know it"

Castiel felt the tear slip down as he stared at the wall and bit into his lip as he hastily brushed it away.

"I wouldn't…I don't need anyone else" he said looking over to him. "But you would so this…this is over, you can have your whores on tap and I'll stay out of it"

"What? No, Cas, come on…" Dean said almost pleadingly moving towards him only for Castiel to smack his hand away grabbing his jacket.

"Why are you acting like a prissy little bitch over this? It's nothing!" Dean said grabbing his arm and gaping shocked when Castiel turned shoving him away hard so he smacked against the wall. His eyes were rimmed red, his breathing frantic as he pointed a finger at Dean.

"You are so stupid, Dean, you just don't get it! I can't…I can't do it anymore…I don't know how you can stand there and think I'll be okay with you fucking half of town because we're "friends with benefits" you just…you don't get how it makes me feel because you don't _care _about anyone but yourself"

"Cas…" Dean said reaching out for him when his voice cracked at the end and he shook his head heading to the door.

"Leave me alone, Dean" he muttered slamming the door behind him. Dean closed his eyes turning and slamming his fist into the wall with a cry of frustration. Castiel could see nothing as his vision blurred and he wiped at his burning cheeks as he walked with his head bent low not meeting peoples eye contact as he walked and turned the corner quickly.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Hilary sighed as she stared at her bank balance keeping an eye on her youngest daughter as she tugged at her sleeve asking for ice cream, crayons, and many expensive items she couldn't afford.

"Shush sweetheart" she said tiredly pocketing her card and looked up at the right moment to see a clearly distressed man brush past her. Her heart gave that lurch she got every time she seen someone in obvious pain and turned to call out for him to just ask him if he was alright when he crossed the road and it happened. It was fast and sudden as the car slammed into the man knocking him clean off his feet as he rolled across the bonnet falling to the ground. Her daughter screamed next to her as she gasped over and over again staring at the figure on the ground now perfectly still.

"Oh my god" she whispered crouching to hug her daughter to her and privately wondered if whatever had upset the now grievously hurt man with people surrounding him and screaming for an ambulance was truly worth it.

**A/N: Ha, typically cliché, but this whole fanfic is so who cares because I certainly don't and** **cliffhanger alert hahaha**!


	21. Chapter 21

_**October 2009**_

Castiel was dozing in his bed when he felt the covers being lift and a warm pressure over his heart. He sighed opening his eyes and peeked under his duvet to see Dean's head resting on his chest and his hand tightly locked with his own. It wasn't the first time and his complaints went unheard because he knew _why _Dean liked to do it. Castiel let it happen as he shifted till he was comfortable and let Dean lie there with his ear over his heart.

Dean closed his eyes listening to the slow and steady pump of his heart and felt the ache in his chest start to shift away into nothing. He remembered more than anything that night when he got that call from a nurse in the hospital to inform him that Castiel had an accident, a serious accident, and Castiel had been calling for him. The sickening feeling was a punch to his stomach and he remembered not being able to breathe as he ran out of the apartment speeding all the way to the hospital. His heart was echoing in his ears and he knew this was his entire fault. He knew that if hadn't broken Castiel enough for him to run out of the apartment then this wouldn't have happened. It was his fault. Dean arrived in a panic shouting out at the receptionist, the doctors and the nurses till he was led into an empty waiting room and told to be calm or he would be chucked out. He glared at them till he was left in there to wait while Castiel was in surgery.

It felt like days before the doctor came into tell him that Castiel was stable and out of surgery. He was bruised, had several broken ribs that punctured his lungs, a ruptured spleen, a lump on his head and a fractured ankle all from impact. There was no damage to his skull or brain that they could see but it did have a severe knock on the pavement. Dean nodded when the doctor finished telling him of his injuries before begging him to let him see Castiel who was unconscious.

"You can see him for a few minutes" the doctor said resigned when he pushed past him into a private room. Dean breathed out shakily taking in the sight of him fragile and broken strapped to machines. His face was bruised, scraped, and cut, his ankle bandaged.

"Fuck…" Dean murmured walking towards him and not knowing what to do as he sat heavily in the chair staring at his face. "Oh fuck".

Tears burned in his eyes and he turned his face away blinking rapidly refusing to cry. They settled and he turned to look at Castiel who remained still sleeping away the pain. He took his hand and squeezed it gently with his own interlocking them.

"Don't you dare go away, okay? I'm so sorry, Cas" he murmured reaching over and stroking his hair off his forehead before leaning over and kissing it gently. "Don't…leave"

"Times up" the doctor said poking his head around. "He needs his rest, you can come back tomorrow"

"He's going to be okay isn't he? No sudden blood clotting or…dying" Dean said with a gesture at him.

"He's stable for now"

"Why does it feel like you're not telling me something?"

"Mr Winchester, Castiel has been through a serious accident and he's lucky to be alive and not seriously injured. We've managed to sustain his injuries and he is stable but the next 24 hours are crucial…if he is okay overnight I am certain he will okay"

"What? You can't say shit like that! You really think I'm going to leave him now?!" Dean cried wildly gesturing at Castiel. "I can't leave him, I can't…it's my fault he's in here. I'm not leaving him"

"Mr Winchester…"

"No!" Dean cried angrily sitting back down and turning away from him to stare at Castiel. Eventually he was left to it and he stayed there all night dozing in the chair on and off listening to the beep of the heart monitor.

Castiel woke up to pain, bright light, and an annoying sound near his ear. He almost considered he was dead and this was his bizarre heaven but deep down he knew that wasn't true as he turned his head to see Dean sleeping in the chair, the smallness of his room, and the hospital monitors. It all came flooding back as he remembered stepping out and then nothing but darkness and pain from when something very metal and very fast ploughed into him.

He groaned when the pain of his injuries hit him and he looked over when Dean woke up with a start moving to his side. Castiel knew deep down he was angry, no, furious with Dean for what he did but right now he couldn't bring that up as he closed his eyes in relief when Dean touched his cheek in relief.

"You scared the shit out of me! I am so, so, sorry, Cas, fuck…I thought you died" he said breathless looking over him.

"Water" Castiel croaked gesturing at his throat and frowning when Dean came over with a cup and a straw lifting his head to drink it. He did it anyway and pushed it away with narrowed eyes.

"I'm alive" he said gesturing down at his body and wincing. "I need more pain medication though"

"I'll get the nurse" Dean said pushing the red button and sitting back down to look at him. "You hate me now don't you?"

"I don't hate you, Dean" Castiel said with a sigh rolling his eyes. "This isn't your fault and I know you're blaming yourself, I stepped out and I wasn't looking…I don't hate you…I'm disappointed"

"That's worse" Dean muttered looking down at his hands. "You know that's worse"

"I do, I've been on the receiving end of disappointment, Dean, and I'm angry with you, I am, but I don't know what to do with it right now"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Dean pleaded inching closer to the bed. Dean sighed closing his eyes and letting his head rest on the bed feeling tired. His eyes opened when he felt Castiel's fingers trail in and out of his hair and staying there. Castiel liked the softness of his hair between his fingers and despite his anger, his disappointment and his despair over what had happened in past 24 hours he still loved him fiercely, he always would, but their whole "friends with benefits" had to end before any more damage was dealt out between them.

"One day…" Castiel said softly waiting for Dean to lift his head up confused. "…you'll kiss me and you'll really mean it"

"Did none of the others mean anything?"

"No" Castiel said with a shake of his head. "We barely kissed anyway, you know what you wanted"

"We both wanted it"

"How could I resist?" Castiel murmured peeking over to him. "I meant it…this is over between us"

"I don't want them, it just happened and…"

Castiel sighed rubbing his forehead and looking up when a nurse appeared with a smile. She was all smiles as she administrated his medicine and told him to take it easy, he had to heal. Dean faced him with hollow eyes showing nothing but despair as he looked over him.

"Stop it, go home, go rest, and don't tell my family"

"Cas…"

"It's unnecessary, I'm fine and they'll panic" he said with a wave of his hand closing his eyes. "I want to sleep"

"Sleep then" Dean whispered watching him till he slipped off to a deep sleep. Dean ran his hands into his hair contemplating before deciding to go home to get a change of clothes before coming back.

It was torture coming back to the apartment to clean, change, and eat before driving back with heavy eyes and heavy heart. He parked in the car park and leaned his head back for a long moment when he felt an icy curl around his heart. He swallowed feeling sick as he darted out of the car running into the hospital. He skidded around the corner and knew why he felt like death inside when he heard the alarms blaring and he didn't even think as he ran into the room.

It was like a panicked dream when a nurse shoved him back from where doctors and nurses were attending to Castiel who was dying right in front of his eyes.

"No, no, no" he panicked when she shoved him out. "What's happening to him?!"

"Stay calm, let the doctors do their work" she said while he grasped at air stepping back till he hit the door staring at the white doors. Dean didn't move from his spot on the floor ignoring everyone's questioning stares and questions focusing on the white door, his nails digging into his palms till they bled and he uttered one single word over and over again, "_please" _till it was the only word he knew. The alarms were now gone and he breathed hard in and out feeling cold and sick.

"Are you okay love?" a woman's voice said and he glanced up at a middle aged woman bending down to touch his shoulder. "You really don't look okay, sweetheart"

"I-I'm fine" he croaked gesturing at the door. "He-he's dying and I…"

"I'm sure he'll be okay…" she said softly but he wasn't listening as stared at the door till it opened and he jumped up shakily.

"How is he?"

"He's doing okay; we managed to restart his heart…"

"He had a heart attack?!" Dean said panicked looking in the room. "He died…he actually died!"

"We had a shaky start, yes, but we managed to restart his heart, he's a fighter…" she said but he refused to listen to anymore as he pushed past her.

"I left for half an hour…the doc said he's okay!" Dean shouted at her. "He said he was doing okay!"

"These things happen sometimes, his body has suffered through an ordeal sir and he's fighting through…"

"Whatever" Dean murmured softly trailing a hand into his hair and closing his eyes. "Fuck, Cas, I leave and you die on me"

He ignored the nurse dropping down on the chair and letting his ear rest over his heart listening to the thump. Dean stayed there not sleeping and ignored the many attempts of nurses trying to make him leave but he couldn't and wouldn't. He stayed there till morning and he felt Castiel shift underneath him with a sigh hands moving to stroke into his hair confused.

"Dean?" he muttered peering down at him and up when he lifted his head to stare at him. "Why are you still here?"

"You died! You fucking died!" Dean hissed at him breathing hard. "I left, Cas, and I come back to find you surrounded by doctors trying to save your life"

"What?" Castiel whispered confused. "I died?"

"You had a heart attack…or something but your heart stopped" Dean muttered pressing a palm on his chest. "What am I supposed to do that?"

"I-I don't know…I can't even remember" Castiel whispered confused when Dean made a small sound of distress placing his ear over his heart once more.

"I can't lose you" he whispered more to himself than Castiel. Castiel frowned stroking a hand into his hair with a wince before gripping it tight and lifting his head to stare at him.

"You're not losing me, not to death or anything else…I'm not going anywhere" he said trying to reassure him but knew it wasn't sinking in, not after everything he had been through. Castiel left him to it combing his hands through his hair and they stayed there in silence because they could.

It was the healing process now and Dean stared at the doctor in shock two days later when he said he could go and handed him discharge papers.

"Are you serious? He was knocked down!"

"Dean" Castiel scolded when the doctor nodded exiting the room quickly. "Hand me my crutches"

"Here" Dean murmured with a frown before helping him up and standing back watching him warily as he adjusted. "Do you want your clothes?"

"Yes" Castiel snapped impatiently gesturing at him. "Sorry…I haven't had my daily tea intake and I refuse to drink the hospitals tea because it tastes like urine"

"You're a freak" Dean muttered with a puff of laughter.

"You said it yourself about the coffee"

"Because it's common fact, Cas, that all coffee from hospitals is horse shit" he said with a shrug watching him get changed and couldn't help the flood of heat spreading through him.

Castiel looked up rolling his eyes. "Stop staring at me like that"

"Like what?"

"Like you want to fuck me into that mattress right here"

"Do you blame me?"

"Yes" Castiel said with a sigh pulling on his jacket with a gasp of pain. "Help me up"

Dean held out his hands hauling him to his feet and steadied him when he grabbed the crutches walking down the corridor. Dean couldn't help but watch him feeling terrified, he couldn't help but think this was too soon and if something happened when they got home he was going to burn this motherfucker down.

Castiel handed the papers open with a smile. "I'm glad I got insurance when I did otherwise we'd be in trouble"

"Come on" Dean murmured walking behind him and despite his fears he was glad to get home and get him on the couch. Castiel moaned in pain and gestured at Dean who came over with his medicine and water.

"Balthazar might come around"

"Why?"

"I told him…"

"You told him?! You'll some dude but not your own family? Cas, you got to let me tell them man because Gabe is going to freak…"

"Precisely why I don't want to tell him, all of them, because after everything that has happened to me…I just don't want to worry them" he said with a sigh looking up at the ceiling. "I feel…"

"What?"

"I feel like the universe is out to get to me what with…Marcus, the drugs, the…thing between us and now nearly dying from a car…I just feel like my luck can't get any worse than it already is" he said closing his eyes. "I need a change"

Dean swallowed sitting in the opposite seat. "What do you mean?"

"I need a change, something different, something exciting and not here" he murmured. "I've always wanted to travel the world"

"I think those tablets are messing with your head…" Dean muttered running a hand down his face. "Sleep"

"I'm not tired"

"Yeah and those bags are speaking a whole different story baby now go to sleep" Dean said pushing up and heading to the kitchen. He leaned against the counter with eyes closed and the ache in his chest flaring painfully at the thought of Castiel leaving him. It was just his luck that wasn't the end of that topic as days and weeks passed with the healing process and brochures were bought.

"He wants to go on a world tour…on his own! He says he needs time to think, broaden his horizons, and get away from me!" Dean cried down the phone to Sam who sighed softly on the other end.

"I know, Dean, oh wait…" he said and Dean could hear Gabriel mumbling in the back ground. "Gabe said he's going to beat your ass when he sees you for not telling us about Cas' accident"

"How is that my fault? He told me not to tell, not my fault, you know now though"

"He said it's not the point"

"Sam, I'm not on the phone to talk about this! I'm on the phone because he's leaving me for months on end!" Dean said with a sigh of despair. "I shouldn't have slept with all those people"

"Yeah about that...what the hell, Dean? He didn't deserve that, at all, I mean how would you feel if the situations were reversed and Cas was sleeping with that guy from his rehab alongside you?"

Dean swallowed feeling bubbles of anger and jealously rise up inside of him. "I'd hate it"

"So you understand why he feels this way?"

"Yeah"

"You're an idiot"

"Shut it, bitch"

"No, seriously, Dean, you're a prize jerk for doing this to him! I guess I had my doubts when you told us but fuck sake, Dean, have a bit of respect for yourself?" Sam said angrily. "I think maybe you need this break from each other, spread your wings and all that because you both need to think about what you want from each other"

"I don't want him to leave…"

"Well he is, he's going, he's already planned it out and you need to accept it" Sam said and hung up on him with an angry huff. Dean swallowed hard running a hand through his hair as he walked out of his bedroom to see Castiel humming along to his music typing at his computer. He stared at him for a long moment and knew he would have to accept this but it didn't stop the sickening feeling spreading through him, the ache that wouldn't fade, and the realisation he could be gone for months.

So that's half the reason why Dean was tucked next to him listening to his heartbeat because at the weekend after heaving planning, saving, and packing he was going to see the world leaving Dean behind. He wanted to purr at Castiel's hand now running through his hair and sighed peeking up at him.

"If I said don't leave…would you stay?" Dean murmured meeting his eyes, dark blue in the darkness and light of his bedroom, and bit his lip at the thoughtful look in his eyes.

"Dean, I have always wanted to do this and you know this, you've been watching me and it's only for a few months to travel the world, see cities I've never seen and we could do with it…both of us. You're starting that new job which I am very proud of you for getting" Castiel whispered meeting his eyes when Dean crawled further up to him. "I thought you were okay with this, I've spoken to my mom, Gabriel and even Sam who all told me you were okay about me doing this…despite my mother's worries"

"Well maybe I'm not; maybe I don't want to be left alone for months, hell even years!" Dean muttered resting his head on his chest with a small pout. "I feel needy and I fucking hate it"

Castiel smiled closing his eyes gripping the back of hair to bring him up.

"Dean, I will not be gone for years. I like to think of it as an extra-long holiday seeing the wonders of the world"

"You'll be gone for Christmas"

"That's what Skype is for"

"You hate Skype"

"I'll use it for you"

Dean's heart thudded extra hard at that sentence and he frowned placing his chin on his shoulder with a sigh. Castiel smiled sadly letting his temple rest against his hair and staying there till Dean grew uncomfortable.

"So I guess that's a no"

"I want to do this, Dean, I really want to do this" he murmured softly. "I know you hate the idea of it but I'm going to come back…I just need a break from everything"

Dean nodded slowly moving that inch forward pressing a kiss behind his ear and was satisfied when Castiel trembled with a soft moan.

"Dean…" he whispered meeting his eyes as he trailed more kisses behind his ear and across his jaw. "I'd say stop but I don't think I want you to"

"I'm not going to stop" he whispered into his ear straddling his hips and pinning his arms above him with hand. "Let me do this, please…"

Castiel nodded with a moan wriggling his hips underneath him and gasping when Dean grabbed one of his ties wrapping it around his hands and the headboard. Castiel gasped when Dean grinned kicking the duvet away and yanking down his underwear and pyjama bottoms so he was completely naked and pinned.

"God, Cas, you're so pretty like this" Dean breathed trailing his hands down his chest slowly watching him breathe hard spreading his legs wide. He hummed dragged his nails across his hips and down the softness of his inner thighs watching him whine and pant hard. "I think I could keep you here, naked, tied up, and all mine"

"Dean" Castiel gasped in pleasure, his cock hard and already leaking pre-come. Dean hummed with a devilish smile as he stroked a thumb across the head teasingly. Castiel shook his head straining on the tie and moaned when Dean attached a mouth to one of his nipples sucking and flicking his tongue against then nub. He pulled away flicking his finger against it and smirked when he let out a gasp of pain mixed with pleasure.

"I want to touch you" Castiel whined when Dean sucked a path down his collarbone and bit into the fine skin hard. He gasped planting his feet into the mattress staring at Dean who shook his head.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Suck me, Dean, please, please, I'll do anything" he cried rocking his hips upwards. "It hurts, please, please, please"

"Shush" Dean murmured pressing his lips to the head and hearing Castiel let out a sob of relief before sucking him down. Castiel gasped at the sudden hot heat surrounding his cock and whined rocking and thrusting his hips upwards. Dean opened his mouth wider taking him till he hit the back of his throat and forced himself not to gag before pulling away to run his tongue slowly up and down before taking him back into his mouth. It didn't take long to the hear the familiar moan as he climaxed shooting down his throat. He swallowed greedily looking up at him as Castiel slumped into to the mattress breathing heavily, sweat covering his forehead and top lip.

"You're so sexy" Dean murmured kissing across his groin. "I should do it, keep you here…no one else…"

Castiel opened his mouth to respond only to cry out when Dean bit into his thigh with a grunt and shifted off him to grab the lube on the nightstand popping the cap. He spread it over his fingers before grabbing the pillow placing it under his thigh and spreading his legs wider before slowly pressing it inside of him. Castiel gasped wordlessly at the intrusion and moaned hands tied clinging to nothing. Dean hummed crooking his finger inside of him before sliding in a second fucking him slowly.

"Dean!"

"Hush, I'll take care of you" Dean said softly watching his fingers disappear inside of him and groaned pressing a kiss to his kneecap. "You look so good like this; I think I might just fuck you with my fingers"

"No! Please, Dean, please" Castiel pleaded with a whimper when Dean twisted and scissored his fingers roughly inside of him. "I want you inside of me, not fingers, cock"

Dean smiled amused pressing a kiss over his bellybutton and nodded. "Fine"

"Please…" he whimpered lifting his head to look at him. Dean removed his fingers hovering over him as he lined up and stared into his eyes.

"Look at me" Dean murmured when he focused and thrusted inside of him. Castiel opened his mouth letting out a choked gasp before nodding to encourage him. Dean happily slid out before thrusting back in moaning in appreciation to how tight and warm he felt around him and he couldn't resist holding back so he gave it all he had. Castiel cried out in pleasure when he bit into his neck teasing and sucking the skin till it was sore, red, and tender.

"Dean, touch me" Castiel whispered biting into his lip at his half hard cock now pushing against Dean's stomach. Dean nodded wrapping a hand around it stroking it in time with his thrusts the other hand braced on his chest.

"Cas, I'm not -" he muttered with a loud groan when his orgasm hit him and he panted hard feeling the come shoot out of him and deep inside Castiel who followed soon after. Dean breathed out slipping out of him and grabbing the tie to unwound it and drop down next to him. They panted next to each other not knowing what to do or say until Dean turned on his side resting on his chest once more.

"I'll miss you too" Castiel whispered knowing that was goodbye. It wasn't till later that Castiel realised they hadn't kissed once and was glad about it. He would rather wait then have it not real.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean stood with his arms crossed and glared at the airport around them and at Castiel who stared back at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Promise me you'll come fucking back otherwise I'll find you…I swear to fucking god" he hissed pointing a finger at him.

"I promise you I will come back, I'll call, and I'll Skype you whenever I can…I promise, Dean" he said and grunted when Dean rolled his eyes tugging him into a bone crushing hug. Castiel clung to him for a moment before pulling back and flashing him a smile.

"I'll see you soon and wish me luck"

"Keep safe, don't do anything stupid"

"Would I ever?"

"Yes!" Dean shouted to him when he walked away with his suitcase. He sighed softly scuffing the floor with his toe watching him leave and disappear before turning his back and counting down the days in his head till he would come back home.

**A/N: Sorry for the delay! Thank you for all the reviews!**


	22. Chapter 22

_**January 2010**_

Sam side eyed Dean as he sat on the couch with the laptop in his lap, a whiskey bottle by his side and an expression that hurt his chest. Since Castiel had left to travel the world Dean had slowly and surely fallen apart without him under the watchful eye of Sam, Gabriel, Karen and even Jo who would pop in with the twins. Dean worked to unusual hours in the hospital he was now working, drank when no one was looking and stayed hooked to his laptop in case Castiel came on.

Christmas had been a dull affair with presents being exchanged and a dinner eaten before Dean received a text and pushed Gabriel off the laptop. Dean glared when Gabriel ranted and huffed at him annoyed as he turned on Skype and a tanned Castiel came into view.

"Merry Christmas!" he called down the camera to him. "All the way from here in India"

"You should be here and not in fucking India!" Dean scolded touching the screen and pulling his fingers away. "You're too tanned…it's weird"

"I'm being burnt by the sun, Dean; of course I'm going to be brown"

"When are you coming home?"

Castiel sighed softly flashing him a small smile. "Do you miss me?"

"Yeah"

"Lies, he's in mourning!" Gabriel shouted and laughed into Sam's shoulder as they cuddled up on the couch eating chocolates out of the tin.

"Ignore him" Dean said with a sneer while Gabriel pulled a tongue at him before shoving it into Sam's mouth. Dean gagged grabbing the laptop and taking it upstairs to the bedroom.

"Yeah I miss you, I miss you like crazy…you really should come back"

"It would miss the point of travelling the world, Dean; I've been to France, Spain, and now India"

"You choose the weirdest places…Cas, you've been gone nearly four months now" he said with a sigh. "It's getting lonely in that stupid apartment"

"I told you we should get a cat"

"I'm not getting a fucking cat"

Castiel closed his eyes with a shake of his head and yawned feeling tired. "It's too hot here"

"I have the solution?"

"Oh do you?"

"Leave" Dean muttered letting his head fall back against the headboard.

"Stop moping, Dean, I've been having words with Gabriel and Sam and the stories are not…"

"Ignore them, they're all liars"

"They're not good and I don't want to be worrying about you"

"I don't need you worrying about me"

"I'm always worrying about you, they told me you're drinking"

"It's Christmas!" Dean exclaimed with a sigh. "It's a little drink now and again…"

Castiel narrowed his eyes at him thoughtfully. "How's the hospital?"

"Fine, how's India?"

"It's beautiful, Dean, there cities are amazing, Dean, and the people are a little strange but I can deal with it"

"Where are you going next?"

"Turkey" Castiel said with a smile biting into his lip.

"Please be careful, Cas, I don't want to get a call one day saying you're missing or you just…you just don't come back"

"Why wouldn't I come back?"

Dean sighed sitting up and running a hand through his hair pulling it tight feeling tired and on edge.

"Because you're travelling the fucking world, Cas, and it's your oyster and you're free to do whatever you want, meet whoever you want because you packed your bags and you left" Dean ranted staring into screen and saw the flicker of guilt and indecision flash over Castiel's face. "I know why you left…I'm not stupid, Cas, you're not travelling the world you're getting away from me"

"Dean, that's stupid, I'm not getting away from you"

"So why are you travelling the world without me?"

"Because I wanted to travel and you know that, Dean. I want to see the world because you only live once…why do you think I would want to run away?"

"Because of what happened between us"

Castiel snorted shaking his head in amusement and disbelief. "Do you think I'm running away because I don't want to have sex with you anymore?"

"It's a possibility"

"Dean, I am not running away because of us, I'm not even running away"

"Whatever"

"Don't be like that, Dean, you know I hate it when we fight"

"Fine"

"Stop using single words"

Dean chuckled flicking the screen. "Alright, I'm going to have my Christmas nap and you better call me soon or I'm coming to India and I'm dragging you home"

"I miss you"

"I miss you too" Dean muttered with a roll of his eyes. "Now go away"

Castiel smiled at him warmly before logging out and leaving Dean to stare at the wall ahead with a mixture of feelings he didn't like and didn't want. Eventually Christmas passed and Dean returned to work and his boring life waiting for Castiel to call, text, or Skype him with tales of market places, people he didn't know, and how much he was loving it. Dean forced a smile every single happy because even though he was happy for him, he couldn't shake the feeling of him never ever coming back and staying in Russia or Australia forever and ever.

"I have something for you" Sam said startling Dean out of his trance as he turned to look at him.

"What?"

"It's in the car, I'll be back" he said walking out of the apartment door. Sam walked to Gabriel's car who was back in Kansas waiting for him since he couldn't come up for the visit. He popped open the boot grabbing the carrier and took it upstairs to Dean who was waiting patiently. Sam watched as Dean's eyes narrowed at the plastic carrier.

"What the hell is that?"

"Here" Sam said passing it over and folded his arms over his chest while Dean grabbed it hesitantly peering inside to see a tabby kitten with a light shade of blue eyes staring back at him.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Dean said in horror looking at Sam who held his hands up.

"It was Gabriel's idea, he's been speaking to Cas and…yeah…he's, um, he's got a name already"

"What is it?"

"Elmo"

"Excuse me?" Dean said with a blink of his eyes looking down at the content kitten now lying in his lap.

"It was a little girls before he was given up and she named him, Elmo, with strict instructions for this not to change" Sam said covering a laugh.

"Are you serious? I have to call him after that creepy red thing on that TV show?"

"Yeah"

Dean closed his eyes in horror picking him up and shaking his head. "I'm sorry little dude"

"It's cute though, Dean"

"It really isn't!"

"It is! Look I better get back, uni and stuff, but you better take care of him"

"You're both jerks!" Dean hollered after him staring at the kitten now trotting around the room sniffing the air in interest. He sighed deeply running a hand through his hair when reality hit him and he realised he would have to get food, beds, and toys for the damn kitten now jumping all over the room.

"Damn you, Elmo" he muttered to the kitten who meowed at him as he collected his keys and caught him pushing him back into the cage till he came back.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Travelling the world, seeing the different cities, cultures, people, and items he didn't know existed was like a huge adrenaline rush that never wanted to end. Castiel loved it; he loved that he could simply walk away and fly to a different country without hesitation. It felt nice to leave India and fly to Turkey to try it out, it was hot, unbearably hot, but it felt good to find a hotel and stand on the balcony overlooking this beautiful country. In a sense he missed home, he missed Dean more than anything in the world, and he missed being able to touch and feel him for real. His heart gave a bang as he thought of him and grabbing the Turkish lira he had already exchanged went to get drunk.

He wasn't expecting it to happen of course when he met the guy's eyes over the bar and he swallowed hard looking down at the blue drink. Despite the travelling and the meeting of people, Castiel had not been with anyone that way since Dean all those months ago. Castiel missed sex a lot and that's what he said to himself over and over again in his drunken state when the guy pushed him on his back and he spread his legs willingly also making sure he put on a condom before they fucked.

Castiel woke up in a hot sweat and looked over to the other side of the bed to see it empty and the room was stifling. He sighed grabbing the remote for the fan turning it on and looked towards the window feeling sick and used. It wasn't meant to happen but the soreness and stickiness of sweat, come, and cheap aftershave stuck to his body was a cruel reminder of what he had just done. He reached out grabbing the laptop and phone despite his headache and nausea needing to talk to Dean, he text him a quick test and was relieved to get a text back. Skype was turned on and he smiled softly when Dean came into view with a smile just for him.

"You okay?"

"Yes, I just, um, I had a bad night" Castiel said with a snort. "How are you?"

"I'm good…I, um, I have something for you that you might want to see" Dean said holding up his finger as he disappeared and Castiel settled back into his cushion. The internet connection here was pretty bad and he was glad when Dean returned and gasped when he saw the bundle in his hands.

"You got a cat!"

"No, Sam got me the little devil" Dean said with amused narrowed eyes. "This is Elmo"

"Elmo?" Castiel said in surprise.

"It was a little girls before it was ours and she didn't want it to be changed so he's named after that freaky red thing"

"How much happier are you now?"

"Not a lot, it sleeps on my face, scratches me for attention and meows at 3am" Dean said giving Elmo a fond look before turning his attention to Castiel.

"So…how's Turkey?"

"It's interesting…"

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Why do you think I am keeping something from you?"

"Because you have this look in your eye and I know when you're lying because you're a terrible liar"

"If I tell you something will you promise not to freak out?"

"No"

"I slept with someone" he said slowly seeing a flicker of something cross Dean's face before it settled into a blank stare.

"When"

"Just before, I was drunk and the Turks know how to bribe their way into your beds" he said rubbing his arm. "I feel sick"

Dean raised an eyebrow at him not knowing what to say as hurt twisted in his gut over and over again. "You clearly wanted to otherwise you wouldn't have done it"

"I was drunk and I miss sex, I haven't had it in months"

"Months? Seriously, since…well you know"

"Yes"

"Oh" Dean muttered in surprise.

"Let me guess, you've had loads of woman and men in the apartment" Castiel said rolling his eyes.

Dean laughed softly shaking his head. "No one, I've not had sex in months…what with work, sleep, work, eating, Elmo, and work again. I've had no time to find anyone to do that"

Castiel felt the amusement flicker away and die at the expression on Dean's face and actually believed him.

"Please tell me you used protection"

"Of course I used protection"

"Good, I don't want any babies"

"You're an idiot" Castiel murmured while Dean huffed amused at his own joke.

"Look, I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have work in a few hours so take care of yourself, no more…fucking Turkish guys, okay? I don't want that hanging over my head and just…come home soon, alright"

"I won't fuck any Turkish guys and I'll come home soon" Castiel said and smiled with warmth when Dean picked up Elmo waving a little paw at him before signing out. Castiel stared at the screen for a long moment feeling more than home sick and wouldn't mind jumping on a plane to return home.

Dean slammed the top of the laptop down and threw himself back into the couch feeling angry, upset, and irritated. Elmo purred climbing up him and he sighed stroking behind his ears.

"I fuck no one in months and he fucks the first guy he sees in motherfucking turkey!" Dean said angrily to Elmo who stared at him with wide eyes. "How is that right? I know if you could talk, you'd say why should it matter to me I mean we're not together…he's my best friend and he's fucking random strangers but I can't say anything because I did the exact same"

Elmo meowed softly on his shoulder and he sighed with a nod. "Yep"

Castiel rubbed a hand through his hair feeling weird as he placed the laptop and phone on his side and grabbed the pillow holding it close to his chest needing to sleep away the nausea and alcohol. The next few days that passed were easier as he checked out of the hotel and moved to a brand new one so he wouldn't get to see the other guy again. It made him feel sicker to realise that he didn't catch his name or even remembered it. He decided to knuckle down and sight see some more and enjoy what he could before Dean came charging across countries to find him and he wouldn't doubt he would do it.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**March 2010**_

"Elmo!" Dean shouted annoyed holding up a ripped sock to the now older kitten lying content on the couch simply staring at him with wide blue eyes. "Don't you be giving me that look, you little demon"

Elmo stared at him till Dean huffed moving away and back into his bedroom to finish getting ready. He turned his head when the door opened and he looked at Elmo slinking in and wrapping his frame around his ankles purring like he knew he was in deep trouble.

"Oh you're a devious one, aren't you?" Dean said bending down to pick him up. "You were all cute a few months ago and now it's all trouble and pain"

He placed him on the floor watching as he pounced on his dirty washing rolling around it. He sighed softly amused at his little kitten being playful and devious at the same time and he wondered what Castiel would think of him. It had now been six months since he had left and he had still not returned. Dean felt a squirming in his stomach at the thought of him and the fact that their last Skype talk was nearly 9 days ago and apart from the occasional text to say he was alive was satisfying but not good enough. Castiel had travelled all over from Dean's knowledge from Spain, Russia, India, Turkey, Australia and many cities he couldn't be bothered to remember.

It was getting easier and now it was just a dull ache of not seeing him every day when he walked in to the apartment. He was able to get out of his routine and spent more time with Jo and the twins, spending time with friends in the hospital, and chatting with family back at Kansas while Castiel explored the world.

Dean still couldn't hide the feeling of Castiel never returning and every day it became more and more likely that he would see him again 2020 when he was old, married, and had forgotten all about Dean. He snatched his phone and pointed a finger at Elmo curled in his clothes watching him.

"No shitting in my bed again or I'll have you neutered" he said before walking out and peering up at the sun. It was slowly edging towards spring and he couldn't wait. His shift was due and he entered with a nod to Sandy at reception who flushed when he walked by. He dressed into his usual uniform and went on his daily round and went to see a particular patient, Martha Steward, who he had formed a bond with.

"Dean!" a bright voice called out to him as he entered the room and took her in. Martha was in her mid-fifties with big brown eyes and very short blonde hair all sticking up from sleep. She was currently hospitalised after being diagnosed with a tumour and was slowly coming off her chemo.

"How's my favourite patient?" he said picking up her clipboard and checking her vitals.

"I'm doing okay, my lovely, no more vomit and I got a full night sleep" she said with a grin when he sat down in the seat.

"That's great" he said with a small laugh. "I'm glad you're feeling better"

Martha reached over taking his hand and clasping it tight with her own. "Now how are you?"

"I'm great…well apart from Elmo ripping my socks to pieces"

"Elmo" she whispered with delight shining in her eyes. "I wish I could meet him"

"You will do, one day" he said squeezing her hand and standing up. "I need to complete my round but I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Okay" she mouthed at him when he left the room. The attachment to Martha didn't come out of nowhere. Martha had no family because she had never married and never had any children and with her parent's dead and sister estranged she had no one. It wasn't just pity for her it was the way she treated him with motherly affection he hadn't felt in a long time and it reminded him of Mary. He finished his rounds and returned to the room to see her settled into the cushions watching the television.

"How's your vision?"

"It's a little blurred but nothing I can't handle darling, how are you?"

"I'm good; I can't wait to go home and act like an old man"

"You should be out living your life!"

"My best friend is doing that for me" Dean said with a snort looking at the television screen.

"Cas" Martha murmured looking over to him. "You hide your feelings well"

"What feelings?"

"You miss him"

"Are you reading me again?" Dean said amused at her antics but she didn't smile back as she stared at him with a tilt to her head. "I thought I told you I don't believe in psychics"

"I'm not psychic, I can read your energy and you miss him a lot, a lot more than you originally planned and if you could have anything right now it would be to see him right now"

Dean bit into his lip with a shrug. "I want a lot of things right now and that is one of them…he's been gone for months and I haven't seen him on camera for a week and I hate it because he's in a foreign country all on his own and yeah…yeah I miss him"

"I don't have friends, they're unreliable"

"I'm your friend"

"You're my soul mate…and I'd have you if I was twenty years younger" she teased with a smile.

Dean closed his eyes with a laugh picking up her hand kissing the knuckles. "I'd marry you in a heartbeat but…I'd probably be sacked and I need this job"

His beeper went off startling him and he rolled his eyes. "I'll see you later"

"I'm counting on it" she said with a sly wink so Dean laughed at her softly before leaving.

By the end of his shift he was exhausted and in desperate need for food, shower, and sleep as he left climbing into the car and looked at his phone to see 5 messages, 10 missed calls and all from Castiel. Dean's heart went into overtime as he pushed the green button waiting for him to answer.

"Dean"

"Cas, dude, what's wrong?!"

"Nothing, I couldn't get through to you…I was worried"

"I was working dumbass" Dean said exhaling in relief. "You scared me"

"Sorry, I forget time distance sometimes"

Dean hummed rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "What's up?"

"I'm coming home"

"What?" Dean said straightening up in surprise. "Are you serious?"

"Of course, it's time to come home"

Dean smiled widely and nodded. "Yeah…when are you coming home?"

"I'm hoping to get the flight at the end of the week"

"Good…good, I miss your stupid face"

"I miss you too, I miss America"

"Are you okay? Nothing's happened has it?"

"No, no, I'm just ready to come home, see my family, see friends and I had Balthazar on the phone to me near enough crying to see me"

"That dick" Dean muttered with an eye roll. "I can't wait to get you back…Elmo is going to love you"

"I can't wait to meet him; I better go because this is costing me a fortune"

"Okay call me with flight times!" Dean said before he cut off and he hit the steering wheel with a thump and a little whoop.

Dean was secretly thrilled to pieces when Castiel called the next day and told him he would be back Sunday morning and to pick him up. He was counting the hours till he saw him again and walked into Martha's room feeling cheery.

"You seem happy" Martha said not focusing on him.

"Cas is coming back this Sunday"

Martha gasped clapping her hands. "Oh I am so happy for you sweetheart"

Dean blinked walking over and sitting on the seat next to her bed. "Martha, what's wrong?"

She turned his voice with a small sad smile. "I can't see, my vision's gone"

"Martha! Why didn't you tell someone?"

"I don't want to cause a fuss over nothing, I was told to prepare this and it's been dimming all day yesterday and when I woke up I could only see flashes" she whispered tears spilling down her cheeks.

Dean swallowed hard clinging to her hand. "Um, I'll tell the consultant and I'll see if he can do anything…are you in any pain?"

"No, no, the nurse Madison came in and gave me something" she said softly.

"You have to tell me if you're feeling pain or…anything, okay?"

"I promise" she murmured. "Did I tell you I loved you?"

Dean laughed shakily with a shake of his head. "No but we're soul mates remember so already know"

Martha laughed a tinkling sound as she turned her face away closing her eyes. "I'm sleepy"

"Sleep…I'll see you later"

"I'm counting on it" she said like she always did.

Sunday was a nervous wreck for Dean as he waited in the airport nervously waiting for his plane to come in. He paced up and down wearing the carpet down in his mind when the doors opened and he looked amongst the people till he saw him and smiled with a shake of head.

"Jesus" he murmured when Castiel spotted him and he wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug breathing in that same aftershave he loved so much sending a shiver down his spine when Castiel pushed his face into the crook of his neck. "Fuck, Cas"

Castiel nodded clinging to him tighter and pulled back so Dean could take a proper look at him and he snorted taking in the tanned skin and buzz of facial hair gracing his cheeks and chin.

"You look like a hobo"

"It's nice to see you too"

"Come on" Dean said with a grin slinging an arm around his shoulders. "How was the flight?"

"I could do with my bed and sleep" Castiel murmured dragging his suitcase behind him towards the car.

"Well I can give you that" Dean said with a smirk as they climbed into the front. "Looking forward to meeting Elmo?"

"Yes"

Dean let his eyes take him in and he shook his head in disbelief. "Six months, Cas, six fucking months"

"I am aware of that"

"How can someone disappear for that many months?"

"I can and I never disappeared, Dean, our Skype talks are a witness for that"

"Smartass" Dean muttered getting a small smile from Castiel as they drove in silence till they got back to the apartment and hauled his suitcase up the stairs.

"Okay, be warned" Dean said as they walked in and he pointed to the couch were Elmo was waiting. Castiel practically cooed as he walked over and stroked him. Elmo instantly purred and meowed under his touch as Dean watched in surprise.

"Dean, he's gorgeous! Your stories are wrong" he said with a frown picking him up in his arms.

"Yeah say that to me when he's chewed through your favourite shoes" he said with a knowing look to Castiel who stared down at Elmo meowing in his arms. "So…are you going to tell me what the fuck you've been doing for six months?"

"Yes but can I eat first"

"Yeah I shopped yesterday" Dean said watching him put down Elmo who immediately followed after him already imprinting on him like a duckling. Dean snorted amused shifting his suitcase into his bedroom and glancing around it before returning to see munching on a sandwich.

"Hungry?"

"Yes" he said through a mouthful. "Do you have work today?"

"Yeah in about two hours so get talking" he said with a smile sitting down. Castiel rolled his eyes sitting opposite him and shrugged.

"You know most of it, I told you everything but there's no word for how beautiful it is out there, the cities, the beaches, the people I met and the friends I made along the way will always be with me. I made the right decision leaving here and travelling…my only regret was not going to Egypt but I was advised not to go on my own"

"We'll go"

"Dean, the heat would kill you"

"What? Don't be stupid, we'll go"

"Okay" Castiel said with a nod not believing him. "Anyway…I don't regret it…I have so many photos, souvenirs, numbers to call people to tell that I'm back at America"

"Wow" Dean murmured and scoffed shaking his head at him. "It looks like something has died on your face…come on"

"What?"

"Come on" Dean urged as they walked to the bathroom and he handed him a razor. "Shave it or I will"

"I was told I look good like this"

"Who told you this?"

"A woman on the plane"

"She was wrong, ignore her, and shave it now"

"I want to sleep" he whined when Dean sighed heavily pushing him onto the toilet seat. Elmo meowed settling in the door way watching what was happening between them.

"Well you look like a hobo so face me" he said as he rubbed cream into his face. "You're so brown it's weird"

"I've been travelling, Dean, did you want me as pale as snow"

"Nope but it's a little unnerving" he said poking the tanned skin. "Okay hold still, I'm getting you back to stubbly state sunshine"

Castiel smiled softly when Dean began to shave him slowly taking his time and ran a hand through his hair.

"You managed to cut this though"

"I like it short"

Dean hummed in approval stroking the blade over his cheeks and chin till he was done and stood back with a nod.

"Good as new sunshine"

"That was odd"

"Shut up"

"Can I sleep now?"

"Sure" Dean said with a swallow washing out the sink. Castiel watched him carefully moving over to him and grabbed his wrist pulling him into a hug. Dean came willingly and surprised when Castiel tucked his head into the crook of his neck.

"I have missed you…I'm sorry for overdue conversation but signal was awful there and I was very home sick" he said resting against him. Dean placed his cheek into his hair smelling grapes and pulled back when Castiel peered at him.

"I have day off tomorrow…we can catch up then"

"Oh really? Good" Castiel said clearly pleased. "I'm going to nap"

Dean smacked his ass hard as he left sending him a glowering look over his shoulder as Elmo followed after him. Dean felt the bubble of happiness glow in his chest and went to get changed for his night shift.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean didn't know what he was expecting but the look on Madison's face told him everything when he walked in.

"What's up?"

"It's Martha"

"Why? Is she okay?!" he said glancing towards her room. "She's not…?"

"No, no, it's just…she's quite bad today and well…" she said with a nod towards the room. "I know you care"

Dean swallowed hard putting down his rota and moved towards the room to see Martha with her eyes closed and looking a little worse for wear.

"Dean" she said softly opening her eyes and turning towards the door way and smiling faintly.

"You look beautiful today" he said in greeting closing the door over. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm a little sore in places and I'm so tired" she said in a flat voice. "How are you? I can feel your energy…you're happy"

"Cas is back, he came back today all brown and full of beard…he's sleeping at the moment" he said in a fond voice not missed by Martha. Dean reached out taking her hand and squeezing it tight with his own.

"You speak so fondly of him" Martha murmured blinking and not seeing him. "I can hear it, I can feel it…you care about him"

"He's my best friend"

Martha smiled turning towards his voice. "But it's not just that is it?"

Dean didn't respond and knew what she was hinting at and only squeezed her hand in response.

"I know…I know" she said patting his hand with her other. "You're not good with feelings"

"You know me so well"

"I'm your soul mate" she said with a faint smile.

Dean bit into his lip with a puff of laughter. "Yeah…we were meant to meet"

Martha nodded turning towards him and closed her eyes. "Dean, can-can you promise me something?"

"Anything"

"I want you to live your life to the full, to the brim of the cup, and I want you to fall in love, get married, have children or adopt children…don't let work or your feelings get in the way of something that can be so beautiful. Don't end up alone and left behind because loneliness…in the end…it's the killer" Martha said squeezing his hand hard. "Letting the one you love slip through your fingers because you can't face up to your feelings, keep your friends and family close to you no matter what because in the end all those silly arguments, those fights, and the hateful words become nothing but ashes in the wind. They won't matter when you really need them and they really need you. D-Don't end up like me…don't lose him"

Dean felt the lump in the back of his throat form and the tears building up to blur his vision.

"Why are you saying this?"

"Promise me!"

"I promise…I promise, okay?" he whispered kissing her knuckles gently. "But that means I can't marry you"

Martha chuckled reaching out and managing to touch his cheek. "It's okay, I willingly give you up…but we would have had a very large wedding, Dean"

"Oh yeah…what it would look like?"

"In a church…with my favourite flowers…I love lilies…and I'd wear a white gown and you my prince would be wearing a very nice black suit. I'd want my family there, friends long forgotten, and a fabulous reception to end with a cake too high to look at"

Dean swallowed hard and couldn't help the stray tear that fell.

"Would we have kids?"

"Children, Dean, not kids, we'd have loads of babies" she said with a smile. "Would they be beautiful?"

"Stunning" he whispered feeling a tear run down his cheek. "You'd be a wonderful mom"

Martha closed her eyes with a small snort tears leaking out of them. "I wouldn't"

"Yeah you would" Dean said grabbing a tissue and leaning over to wipe her face. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm so tired…its coming" she said looking over to him. "You're so sad right now"

"Can you feel it?"

"Please don't be sad" she whispered clutching his hand. "I'm going to a better place"

"You really believe that?"

"Yes…I believe it…I'm ready"

Dean closed his eyes looking away. "You're going to be fine, you're going to make it to summer like you said"

"Things change sweetheart" Martha murmured and tugged his hand. "Come here"

Dean frowned moving closer till she could reach up and kiss his forehead before dropping back down.

"I figured you could do with that…you won't be fired?"

"No" he said with a watery chuckle. "It'll be fine"

"Good…Dean?"

"Yeah"

"Keep your promise"

"I will"

"We're not going to say goodbye" Martha said looking over to him. "What are we going to say?"

"I-I'll see you later" Dean said in a cracked voice closing his eyes.

"I'm counting on it" she said in a faint voice. Dean clutched her hand till her hand went slack in his and the alarms blared signalling her death. He let go as the doctors came rushing in and brushed past Madison who watched him go with a heavy heart as he charged down the hall crashing into the bathroom and into the cubicle.

Dean slid down the floor with a crash shoulders shaking with tears he couldn't control as he sobbed hard into his fists. He breathed harshly feeling the grief rip through him over and over again as he cried thinking of his mom's death, his dad's and now Martha's. Time blurred into one as he sat on the floor not knowing what to do or even say till he heard the doors opening and stiffened.

"Dean?"

Dean blinked looking up and twisted to open the door and stared at Castiel stood there looking worried and concerned.

"Madison called the house phone…I gathered she knew I was back and she told me what happened" he said moving to Dean. "That's the Martha you told me about"

"Yeah" he said with a nod. "I want to go home"

"Madison said you can, she'll cover for you" Castiel said softly taking his hand and leading Dean out of the toilets. Dean kept his head down not looking at Madison's room as he walked by till he was in the car with Castiel driving them home. Dean felt shell shocked as he watched the passing streets.

They arrived home in no time at all as Dean headed to his bedroom kicking off his shoes and sitting on the edge. Castiel hovered watching before walking in and standing in front of him.

"Dean…do you need anything?"

"No" he whispered with a shake of his head. "I just…I don't know"

Castiel's heart broke at the tear sliding down and he moved over shifting him to lie down and wrapped his arms around him as they side by side. Dean's breath hitched and he squeezed his eyes tight with a silent sob while Castiel held him closer stroking a hand into his hair in soothing motions. Dean wasn't the usual type to display his emotions so fully but when something hit him hard, it was devastating to watch unfold.

**A/N: I cried writing this. I can't do angst anymore, it breaks my heart. I am sorry and this is a long one! **


	23. Chapter 23

_**July 2010**_

Castiel looked over from the table at Dean lying out on the couch dozing, Elmo curled on his chest fast asleep and the scene made his chest ache. It had been a difficult few months for Dean who suffered greatly from Martha's death. The day after had been a painful for Dean who stayed lying on Castiel's chest not moving or speaking and it rendered Castiel helpless as he pressed a kiss on the top of his head every so often in reassurance and affection. He hated seeing him like this and it couldn't break his heart anymore to see Dean in such despair. Dean didn't speak for days afterwards to Castiel's frustration when he only received nods or shakes of the head or a grunt in confirmation or denial. He returned to work on Monday to his frustration as well but got what he wanted when he came home at lunchtime pale and confused.

"They sent me home" he murmured when Castiel wrapped his arms around him leading him to the couch so they were curled around each with Elmo nestled between them purring.

"You need to sleep" Castiel murmured against his forehead. "Just sleep, Dean"

Dean nodded slowly letting his eyes close with a hard swallow slowly slipping away into a deep sleep to Castiel's relief as he stroked Elmo and watched Dean sleep. He gently eased out and made a call to Sam and Gabriel.

"How is he?" Sam said eagerly down the phone.

"He's sleeping now but he's…he's not speaking, eating properly, and won't sleep"

"Dean mentioned her once or twice when I asked about work…I didn't even realise how fond he was of her"

"He's took it hard" Castiel said looking over to him and Elmo who seemed to sense his upset and was curled tight against him. "I'll get him through it"

"I'm sure you will…oh…Gabe wants a word" he said passing it to Gabriel.

"Get him here! We'll take care of him and get him back on his feet because all he needs is women, men, sex, and a lot of food"

"That is everything I don't want to happen, Gabriel, I appreciate the concern but Dean can't come and I can't come either"

"Oh…is it medical? Because if you just pop a few Viagra…"

"Goodbye Gabriel!" he cried down the phone ending the call with a sigh. He loved his brother but most of the time he was infuriating. Castiel stayed vigil by his side as he chased up the last six months answering emails, checking the news and somehow felt he had missed a lot. Dean stirred next to him with a small snuffle before seeking out his chest and lying there. He rolled his eyes faintly amused before carrying on and looked down at Elmo blinking awake.

"Good dream?" he said softly and smiled when Elmo meowed in response. Dean woke hours later confused but a little more settled as he peeked up at Castiel who met his eyes with a small sad smile. They didn't speak because words weren't needed as Dean settled into him crushing him with his weight as they watched films. The next few days were easier with Dean starting to open up to him more and more with leave from the hospital for him to grieve. The funeral was being arranged by the estranged sister who had no care for her now dead sister. Dean was attending and Castiel refused to stay behind and dressed in his smartest black suit.

"Come here" Castiel murmured helping him do his tie and brought him forward to knock his forehead against his affectionately. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine…I just want this over and done with"

"Come on then"

Dean followed after him as they drove to the crematorium attending the small funeral. It was a short ceremony with five people, Dean, Castiel, Martha's estranged sister, and a couple who Dean learnt were her neighbours and brought her in when she was too sick. Castiel held Dean's hand tight when Martha was cremated. Soon it was just Dean and Castiel left there as the sister took off soon after and the couple minutes later.

"Dean" Castiel whispered softly.

"She had no one in the world…that _bitch _of a sister didn't care and that couple…they didn't care. Martha didn't deserve this" Dean said with bitterness laced into his tone. "Let's go"

Castiel drove them back with Dean silent next to him staring out across the passing streets with a small sigh.

"You're going to be okay…you're always okay" Castiel said lacing his fingers with Dean's and giving it a tight reassuring squeeze. Dean looked over to him with a nod of confirmation squeezing back.

Dean believed him and he knew eventually everything would be okay because it was more than fact that people died every day and you're going to lose people you love and care about. It was always an endless circle and Dean would keep his promise to Martha no matter what because the thought of dying and being alone was now just terrifying. Dean returned to work a couple of days after the funeral to Castiel's chagrin who didn't think he was ready. He made a promise that he wouldn't get attached to another patient again not only for himself but the others around him.

He busied with work and keeping his head down whenever he could and lose himself and it got better. Castiel watched from the side lines as Dean busied himself and became more and more remote to the point that he was distancing himself away from Castiel. Castiel decided no more travelling at least not for now and settled in finding a job here in the city instead.

"Why is there no food in this house?"

"I haven't been shopping" Castiel said watching him march around the kitchen with a sulk etched into his features.

"Where's Dean?"

"Work…he's been distant lately and I know it's a good thing considering everything that has happened between us…"

"When you were fucking like bunnies"

"That's one word to call it…but it's not like that anymore"

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"Before I left"

"No foreplay since?"

"No" Castiel snapped glaring at him. "It's not like that anymore and…well…we've been sharing the same bed a lot though"

Balthazar raised an eyebrow at him while Castiel flailed shaking his head. "Not like that…he's just…he's grieving and he has nightmares and I am the constant he needs"

"Aw, how sweet" Balthazar cooed covering his heart before scoffing. "You need to tell him how you feel"

"He'll run"

"Run? Run where exactly? You two have had sex in every way possible, sweetheart, there's nothing between you now expect tension…unrequited feelings…and making love" he said ticking them off his fingers.

Castiel huffed amused at the expression on his face. "He's not ready for a relationship and he doesn't want me"

"So he wanted you just for sex…can I kill him?"

"Never"

"You love him"

"Yes, I love him, I'm fucking over my head in love with him and no I am not telling him because Dean doesn't do feelings and when he does…he freaks out big time"

Balthazar made a small sound of disgust pretending to dust himself off and shook his head at him.

"You're making me feel very sick with your feelings…you do realise you radiate them…I mean, fuck me, you're a beacon with your love for that asshole"

Castiel rolled his eyes laughter dancing in his eyes. "You're a radiator of self-loathing, Balthazar"

"Can you blame me?"

"No but I'd wish you'd stop"

"You love me"

"I do"

"We'd be amazing together and you know it" Balthazar teased leaning towards with an infectious grin. Castiel raised an eyebrow leaning in till there was a sliver of space between them.

"I think we would as well but…we'd also be very bad"

"What kind of bad?" he whispered inching closer to him.

"We'd kill each other eventually, our fights would be extreme, and I could never give you what you really wanted" Castiel whispered leaning into steal a kiss and of course that was the moment the apartment door opened revealing a whistling Dean. Castiel pulled back leaving a stunned Balthazar staring at him.

"That is all you will ever get, savour it"

"You're a tease" Balthazar hissed at him as they turned to look at Dean looking between them with narrowed eyes.

"What is…?" Dean said vaguely gesturing between them.

"What do you think it was, Dean"

"It was a kiss…are you two dating now?"

"Yes"

"He wishes" Castiel said scowling at Balthazar who threw back his head and laughed hard.

Balthazar snorted pushing up and pressing a kiss to Castiel's forehead. "I do sometimes but then I remember I value my life and my balls"

Dean watched him leave with narrowed eyes before turning his attention to Castiel blinking wide eyes up at him. Elmo darted out of the room on cue purring and meowing at Dean who scooped him up with a frown.

"What…what was that all about?"

"It was nothing, Dean" Castiel replied with an exasperated sigh standing up to go into the kitchen. "You walked in at the wrong time…we were talking about relationships and he brought up the fact we would be good together but of course we wouldn't be and…we kissed once on the lips"

"So nothing's going on"

"No, Dean, I am not dating one of my closest friends" he said sipping his water. "How was work?"

"It was fine as usual"

"Have you eaten?"

"Yes, mom" Dean snapped sarcastically.

"You're an asshole, Dean"

"I love you too" Dean said with a sneer walking away from him and heading towards his bedroom. Castiel swallowed at the words feeling the pain in his chest flare in pain and hope for one day those fours being true and Dean could love him back like he wanted him too.

Dean seethed on his bed hating Balthazar more than ever. Elmo prowled around the room and he used him as his agony uncle.

"I know what you'd say…why should I care that my best friend is kissing one of his other friends like a relationship and lately Castiel is always with Balthazar but why should it matter to me" he spat lying down with a heavy sigh. "Fuck"

It only got worse from there between them as the grief for Dean passed and the tension of what had happened between and the six month trip was starting to form between them. Dean watched as Castiel spread his wings throughout the city getting a job in a local school teaching art by some miracle, he was making new friends and the reality of it was very real for Dean who lingered behind in his job, his old life, and didn't know how to change it. So here they were in the height of summer with blistering sunshine and hot days and Dean right now had no idea where Castiel was.

Dean looked at Elmo stretched out in the shade and privately wished he could be a cat. His thoughts were stopped when the doorbell rang and he jumped up opening the door to see Jo standing there wearing a long white dress, her hair wavy and curled and a bottle of red wine in her hand.

"What are you doing here and where are your children?"

"My mom is down and she's taking care of them and I need my friend right now" she whined barging in. "Where's Cas?"

"Open it up now and I'll tell you" he said dropping down and rolling his eyes when she dropped down cooing at Elmo who opened one eye to look at her before closing it.

"He's too hot to bother with you"

"Where are your glasses?"

"Top cupboard" he said dropping on the couch and holding out his hand. "Wine, it's a girl's drink"

"Well gee you don't say" she said sipping it and sitting down. "So what's happening in Dean Winchester's life?"

"Nothing at all, it's boring and predictable. I was thrown up on yesterday, last week I had blood sprayed all over me and a few hours ago I had an abusive man try to kill me" he said with a sad sigh. "Plus, Cas…"

"What about him?"

"We've been distance lately, he had this new job, these new friends, Sally, Barry, and some other fucker and right now I have no idea where he is…we barely exchange words these days because when I'm not in work he is, and when I am he isn't…I feel like every day I'm losing him and it's fucking annoying"

"Have you spoken to him about this?"

"No because he'd tell me I was wrong and he'd panic"

"Well maybe that is a good thing, you can't let sleeping dogs lie, Dean, you need to talk to him and sort it out before you're so distant that you barely know each other anymore"

Dean sipped the wine and grimaced handing it back. "I need a real boys drink right the fuck now"

"Your taste buds are now damaged by years' worth of whiskey"

"Whatever, Joanna Beth"

"Fuck you"

"How's Ash?"

"He's in Thailand"

"Seriously…"

"Oh yeah…he's met a girl"

"Fuck"

Jo laughed knocking back her wine and finishing off Dean's. "So how is your love life?"

"What love life?" he muttered with a snort.

"When was the last time you had sex?" Jo said with a small smile.

"Honestly? I don't know" he said slowly. "But all I know was that it was with Cas"

"No…" she whispered. "You can't be serious!"

"Deadly as a heart attack"

"You need to have sex and soon"

"I don't have the energy"

"Okay…where's the real Dean? You're a mutant from space"

Dean snorted rubbing the space between his eyebrows. "I guess I'm not the slut I used to be"

"You were never a slut, Dean, you're just…I don't know the word but I think you need to get out there again, not to have sex, but to find someone. I mean who was your last relationship?"

"No one"

"Exactly! You need to find someone instead of having casual sex with your best friend"

"He doesn't exactly refuse…"

"Dean!"

"Alright" he said with a chuckle. "I'll find someone"

Jo pointed a finger at him. "You're a liar, I know when you lie because I've known you my whole life now and I know that you're not going to find anyone so I'm going to find someone for you"

Dean scoffed in disgust. "You're not setting me up with your loser friends"

"They are not losers!"

The door opened startling them both as Castiel came in looked hot and flushed from a run.

"You went running?"

"Running is healthy for you"

"Oh fuck you're like Sammy with his running shit" Dean said with a grimace.

"Hey, Cas" Jo said with a wide smile.

"Jo" he said in greeting getting a bottle of water out of the fridge. "Why aren't you in work?"

"I quit"

"What?" Castiel said startled moving towards him. "Dean…"

"I'm kidding! I have this afternoon and tomorrow off"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did…you weren't listening" Dean said mildly knocking back his whiskey. Jo shifted feeling uncomfortable and moved off collecting Elmo off the floor and the phone.

"I'm just going to call my mom" she said edging out of the room into Dean's room and shutting the door.

"Why didn't you tell me Jo was coming over?"

"I didn't know…why are you shouting at me for not telling you things, Cas?"

"I'm not shouting…"

"That doesn't matter, you're pissed and I can tell you're pissed but where were you on Thursday? Why didn't I know you're going up to fucking Kansas next week on your own without me to see your mom and I had to found out from my brother calling me to ask my why I'm not coming?! You don't tell me things anymore!"

"It takes two to tango, Dean, you never tell me stuff either! I barely see you anymore"

"Right back at you, Cas, I see Elmo more than I see you"

Castiel swallowed hard leaning back against the counter feeling sticky with sweat and the swirl of nausea from the heat and the argument forming between them slowly.

"Things…things haven't been right between us since you got back, Martha died, and you got that new job. I see our cat more than I see you; you're going up to Kansas again in a week without me, why?"

"You have a job, you're busy"

"I can take a week off!" Dean shouted at him. "I work my ass off all the time and even my boss says I work far too much"

"Then come with me"

Dean snorted laughter shaking his head at him. "No way, you can go by yourself like you originally planned, you sonofabitch, and you can tell them the real reason why I'm not there with you"

I'm sorry, Dean, I-I know that things between us have been…tense lately"

"Tense? Cas, I don't even know what's going on with your life anymore! You see Tom, Jerry, and the rest of your crowd more than me. You talk to Balthazar more than you speak to me"

"I'm not the only one to blame here! You started it!" Castiel shouted angrily back at him. "You were the one who didn't talk to me, who ignored me, who went to work at stupid hours and came home still ignoring me"

"You were the one who took off for six months!"

"I kept in contact!"

"It wasn't enough!"

"You were the one who drove me away with your lies and your deceit and being a complete fucking slut because you, Dean Winchester, fucks anything that breathes" Castiel shouted back at him in rush before the realisation of what he said hit him.

Dean swallowed with a nod feeling an ache spread through his chest. Jo who was listening from the other side of the door closed her eyes and thumped her head against the door.

"I-I didn't…" Castiel started to say and could only watch as Dean shook his head walking out of the door and slamming the door hard enough for the apartment to tremble. Jo walked out of the bedroom looking over to Castiel who met her eyes.

"I didn't mean it"

"Yes you did, you meant every word, Cas, and you know it. Dean knew it was his fault but he didn't want anyone to confirm it" she said heading to the door before turning back. "Also…planning a trip back home without Dean, Cas, that's a pretty shit move"

Castiel looked down at the floor feeling the waves of guilt crash over him and heard Jo walk out the apartment leaving him alone with Elmo staring at him from the bedroom.

"Don't you judge me as well" he whispered sitting down on the couch with a soft sigh.

Dean stared up at the store before making the decision and going into it to buy the biggest bottle of vodka and planned to get very drunk. It was time to forget.

**A/N: I am very, very sorry for my last chapter! I made all of you upset and just lose complete hope. It's going to be a bit shitty for a while but it will pick up and be happiness and butterflies soon enough.**


	24. Chapter 24

_**July 2010**_

Castiel chewed his thumb pacing up and down the apartment feeling sick as he wondered where Dean could be and cursed him for not answering his phone. It was closing in at 11pm and there had been no word from him since he stormed out of the apartment. He dialled his number for the millionth time hearing it ring and ring till it rang out and he swallowed repressing the urge to chuck it at the wall.

"Dean, it's me…yet again, please call me. I'm worried about you and I'm so sorry for what I said…I think we need to talk, really talk, but I need you to answer your phone or just call me back!" he said before ending the call and chucking it on the couch. Elmo meowed from his place on the windowsill interrupting his train of thought as he walked over scooping him up and cuddling him.

"I'm an idiot" he murmured into his fur staring out of the window. The night wasn't anything to be afraid of but when the ones you love are out there it turns frightening. Castiel looked down at Elmo in his arms with a sickening feeling wanting to run out and find me but he wouldn't know where to start. His phone ran startling him and he carefully put down Elmo before answering it.

"Dean"

"Nope it's the other brother"

"Oh, Sam, have you heard from him?"

"No and I've been ringing but there's nothing…Karen says you should call the police"

"To report that my best friend ran out and is now missing because I told the truth"

"I don't think he wanted to hear it though"

"It wasn't all of the truth though, yes I ran because of Dean in a sense but I also went because I wanted to find myself and explore the world which I did! But I was always going to come home to him"

"He'll be fine"

"He'll be drinking" Castiel said closing his eyes.

"Shit"

Castiel sat down cradling his head in his hand. "I hate it when he drinks"

"But at least he isn't violent"

"No but all his emotions come out like a storm and he's going to be so angry with me"

"You know how to deal with him angry, Cas, you've been best friends for six years…this is nothing between you! Nothing can drag you two apart"

"Well apparently it can" he murmured with a sigh. "I think I'm going to go out and look for him, the usual spots, I might find him"

"Cas, it's nearly midnight…I don't think Gabe…oh wait" Sam said and Castiel paused lifting to the scramble and scuffle on the other end.

"Don't you dare, Castiel, don't you dare leave that apartment because I don't think we can deal with two missing brothers out in Oklahoma, think of my heart!" Gabriel ranted down the phone. "He's a big boy, Cas, and it was his decision to run out into the big wild"

"I made him!"

"Because you told him the truth which he needed to know because he being a big old slut who couldn't keep his legs closed drove you away to many countries"

Castiel sighed looking out towards the window again. "I better go, he might try to call"

"Call us as soon as he walks through that door"

"I will" he promised hanging up and tugging Elmo into his lap trailing his fingers into his fur. He fidgeted feeling uneasy and the bad feeling spread through him that something was very wrong.

"Sorry, Gabe" he murmured putting a sleepy Elmo down and pulling on his jacket to go find him. He breathed out shakily glancing up and down the empty street and pulled out his phone again dialling his number. It rang and rang till he heard Dean's voicemail and he swallowed hard heading to the local park. Dean was fond of parks when he was drunk.

"Please don't be dead" he murmured softly looking over his shoulder. "Don't leave me alone"

He scanned the dark of the trees surrounding them and felt sick to his stomach at the images of Dean lying unconscious somewhere. He tried his hardest to find him but there was no sign of him at the local park. Castiel turned on his heel bringing out his wallet to check his money to get a taxi into town. It was easy to trail the local bars looking for any sign of him and he dialled the number over and over again looking for the familiar rocky tune of his ring tone but heard nothing, he didn't even have a picture to show anyone his image.

Tears blurred in his eyes from worry and he leaned his head against the wall of the last pub he looked in. "Dean, where are you?"

He dialled the number again leaning against it with his eyes closed when he heard it. His eyes snapped open as he heard the faint ringing sound of the ringtone and glanced down the dark alleyway covered in bins and no light.

"Dean" he shouted down the dark alleyway and held up his phone using it as a light. "Dean, are you down here?"

He swallowed hard stepping in not liking the dark fear trickling down his spine. The dark closed over him like a trap and he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.

"Oh I'll kill you if you're not down here" he hissed tripping over a black bag and steadying against the wall before he heard a low moan. "Dean"

He held his phone higher and caught sight of something moving and looked down to see an unconscious form on the floor.

"Dean!" he shouted turning it over and moving back to see a drunken man covered in dirt and sweat. "Not Dean, why do you have his phone?"

"Nghhh" he muttered flailing a hand at him. Castiel found the phone cracked on the floor next to him and swallowed hard at the crusted blood covering the top. It was the fear that drove to grip the guy's tattered jacket hauling him up and slamming him into the wall.

"Why do have his phone?!"

"Dude" the guy croaked gripping his arm. "I-I found it"

"Where? Where did you find it?!"

"Near…near Chamber street" he murmured letting his head drop. Castiel let him go as he left him on the floor and hurried out of the alleyway staring at the phone that was very much Dean's from the cracked screen, the blood, and the screensaver of his car.

Castiel breathed out shakily pulling out his phone to call Sam.

"Hey, Cas, is he home?"

"No but I'm out and I've just found his phone with some drunk in an alleyway and it's covered in blood, I don't…don't know if it's his Sam and I don't know where he is"

The silence was deafening until he heard the phone passed over. "Cas?"

"Yes"

"I thought I told you not to go out!"

"I never listen to you, Gabriel"

"I know, right, okay, look what I want you to do is call the local hospitals because if it's his and he's bleeding someone might have brought him in"

"Yes"

"If not check the police stations because he might be in custody and then…report him missing"

"What if he's dead?"

"Cas, don't…"

"The last thing I said to him was calling him a slut and that he drove me away" he said breathing hard on the verge of a panic attack.

"Cas, listen to me, please listen to me, okay? You need to calm down right now because you having a panic attack at midnight on the streets of Oklahoma is something we don't need right now because you need to find Dean"

Castiel inhaled shakily with a nod looking up and down the streets. "Okay, I'm going to call the hospitals"

"You call me straight after" Gabriel muttered looking over to Sam who looked pale and scared. "I may take a moment I got Sam to calm down"

"Yeah" Castiel said hanging up and scrubbing his face furiously with his hand and dialling the number of the local hospital where he was when the car knocked him down.

"Hello, um, I was wondering if you had a man in possibly drunk, covered in blood or injured, brown hair, green eyes, 175lbs, 6 foot, and his name is Dean Winchester" he said desperately.

"I'm sorry we have no one of that description here" the woman told him in a bored tone.

"Thank you" he said hanging up on her dialling the second one he knew and paced down the sidewalk reciting the same description and felt the crippling feat hit him when he said there was no one there of that description either. Castiel dialled the next number he could think.

"Whoever this is…it better be so fucking good"

"Jo, its Castiel, is…is Dean there?"

"What? No why?" Jo said shuffling up in her bed. "Is he not home yet?"

"He's missing and I can't find him but it'll be okay"

"You know I'd tell the truth if he was really here"

"I know, it's okay, Jo, I'll find him" he lied ending the call and bit into his lip hard breaking the skin tasting the coppery tang of his blood.

"Okay, okay, um, police, police" he chanted calling a taxi to the local police station. He walked in meeting the eyes of the guy behind the desk and recited the same description to the guy who frowned glancing down and shaking his head.

"What was his name again?"

"Dean Winchester, just keep an eye out and if he is brought in please call this number"

"Sure"

Castiel left knowing it was useless trying to report him missing since it hadn't been twenty four hours; he did watch those serial cop shows. He breathed out feeling tears burn in the back of his throat and scrubbed his eyes to stop from crying. His eyes travelled up and down the street and he breathed out not knowing what to do, where to look, and what to say because what could he do?

So that's how he ended up opening the door to his apartment and darted into all of the rooms hoping he was there but he wasn't. Elmo peeked up at him from the couch and he sniffed scooping him up as he meowed softly in protest. He sat down on the couch curling up with Elmo now sleeping in his lap as he stared at the apartment door willing it to open and for Dean to come strolling in drunk, angry, and very much alive. His phone rang next to him and he answered it with a silent greeting.

"Cas?"

"Yeah, Gabe"

"Let me guess…nothing"

"Nothing"

"Have you called the police?"

"He needs to be missing for more than twenty four hours" he whispered staring at the door.

"Cas…"

"Look after Sam and I'll call you later" he whispered ending the call and continuing to stare at the door. His eyes burned and strained after a long day and unwilling took him into a place he didn't want to visit.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"Come on!" Dean urged tugging on his hands. "Stop being such a baby"

Castiel blinked crashing into his chest and peering at him confused. "Why? Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise" he murmured into his ear. "You love surprises"

"I hate surprises, you know I do" Castiel said when he tugged him outside and the sunlight burned around him. He squinted holding up a hand to shield from the light and realised he was on his own.

"Dean!" he called out stumbling and collided with something warm and wet. He mumbled an apology until he saw his hands and stared at the darkish red in confusion. Castiel looked up and backed away with a gasp of shock staring at Dean drenched in blood, a gaping wound across his throat and a smile on his lips.

"What? Come on, it's a surprise"

"I don't want to"

"Why not, Cas, come on…it's going to be fun" he said placing a hand on his cheek. Castiel turned his head away with a gag smelling the rusty meaty smell of the blood. He felt trapped as he shoved his hand away shaking his head and tried to run down the street but it was like running through treacle. He cried out as he slipped and squeezed his eyes shut and opened them in a dark room. Castiel panted twisting to see Dean but he was nowhere around, he blinked turning around and was hit with the sudden realisation he was in the apartment but it was rotten. The furniture was covered with white cloth, the walls a dirty greyish black and leaves blew around his ankles from the cracked windows.

His eyes narrowed and he walked across to his bedroom pushing the rotten door open to see nothing but darkness and smell nothing but damp and death inside. Castiel whimpered closing the door and covered his mouth feeling sick and shaken. His eyes travelled across the length of the room to see a darkish matt of fur in the corner and walked over knowing what it was but he had to see. He dropped down slowly peering at it and pulled back realising it was the dead version of Elmo.

"I want out!" he shouted covering his eyes.

"Cas"

He turned staring at Dean who was stood staring at him confused. "Dean"

"What are you doing?"

"I want to get out of here, I want to wake up"

"This isn't a dream"

"Of course it's a dream"

"No it's not, this is real, what are you doing here?" Dean said walking towards him slowly tilting up his chin to peer into his eyes. "Cas, are you listening to me?"

"I don't know…if this is real then why is the apartment like this and why is Elmo dead?"

"What are you talking about?" Dean murmured stroking a thumb down his cheek. "Come on"

"What?"

"Let's go for a walk"

"This doesn't make any sense" he whispered tugging his hand away. Dean stared back at him pale and vacant before crumbling to the floor as his features melted into dust and he was a crumbled mess on the floor.

"Everything is dying around you…haven't you noticed?" a voice said startling him and he turned to see Gabriel leaning against the wall.

"I want to wake up"

"It's not a dream"

"Yes it is"

"You killed him" Gabriel said with a cold smile nodding at the floor. "He's dead because of you…the last words on his lips were your name"

"Gabriel, stop it!"

"Everything is dying around you! You killed your best friend, you killed your cat, and you killed this apartment because of your neglect and cruel words" Gabriel taunted walking over and gripping his face in a tight grip. "How does that make you feel baby bro?"

"Stop it" he whispered with tears stinging in his eyes.

"You killed Dean, you killed Dean" he taunted over and over again till Castiel snapped punching him hard till he crumbled into dust. Castiel sank to his knees cradling his head wanting to hide away and opened his eyes with a gasp to see Elmo curled next to him very much alive and he turned to the window to see daylight. He rubbed his eyes stretching out and was satisfied to see that he was awake as he checked his phone to see no calls and messages.

"Hey boy" he whispered stroking the top of his head before walking to the window and peering out to see sunshine starting to peak over the top of the building.

"Dean" he called out and heard nothing but the thrum of the fridge and the tick of the clock. His shirt felt damp against his back from his nightmares and looked down at his trembling hands. Castiel darted over grabbing his phone and dialling the hospitals yet again but nothing, Dean wasn't there. He automatically rang Gabriel who answered with a sigh.

"Oh please tell me he's home?" Gabriel murmured looking at Sam sleeping in his arms. "I only managed to get Sam to sleep about three hours ago"

"No, Gabe, he's not back, I've rang the hospitals and everything! I don't know what to do" he said desperately.

"Call the police"

"I don't want to, Gabriel, it seems silly"

"He's missing without his phone, Cas! It's covered in blood, you have no idea where he is…have you tried the hospital where he works?"

"Yes I called them first but he's not been in"

"Then call the police or get down there with his photo, anything, because it's now twenty four hours and Dean is missing"

Castiel nodded gathering his thoughts. "Okay, okay, I'll do it"

He hung up on Gabriel's answer and went to a photo of him and stared down at the most recent one at Sam's birthday party. He swallowed hard putting to one side as he dressed and tried to calm down the best he could.

"_You killed Dean, you killed Dean, you killed Dean, you killed Dean" _repeated itself over and over in his head as he stared at his reflection, the dark circles under his eyes, his eyes wide and dark in the light of the room and he looked like a zombie. His eyes blurred for a moment remembering his dream and he turned rushing towards the door when it opened narrowly missing his face and he stared at a dirty bloodied Dean. His clothes were dirty, his face dirty, and a gash on his forehead was crusted with blood.

"Dean" he whispered in shock when he brushed past him. "Is that you or am I dreaming again?"

"It's me. Cas, you're not dreaming"

"You said that in my dream"

Dean sighed reaching over and pinching him hard on the arm till he yelped smacking his arm and staring at him in shock. Castiel breathed in and let it out in an angry puff slamming the apartment door till it shook. Dean swallowed looking away from him uneasily but Castiel was having none of it as he punched him hard enough for him to stumble back with a pained grunt clutching his jaw and now split lip.

"Where the hell were you, Dean? Why is your phone in there covered in blood…?"

"You found my phone?"

"Shut up!" Castiel said furiously halting his speech as he looked down at the floor guiltily. "I found it in an alleyway with some drunk, covered in blood, and I had no idea where you were, you stupid little man. I looked everywhere, I called hospitals, I checked in the police station but you were nowhere! I had no idea where to look you complete asshole, Dean, so tell me once and for all…where the hell were you?"

"I got a bottle of vodka, I sat in the park like a teenager and I drank till I didn't know where I was…I can't remember a lot but I know I fell hard cracking my skull, I lost my phone and all I wanted was more drink but I was kicked out of everywhere. I woke up in a toilet cubicle in a train station in town" he said meeting his eyes.

Castiel scoffed walking away from him. "I thought you were dead, Dean, I had nightmares of you being dead and my own brother taunting me saying it was all my fault because you ran out"

"There was a reason I ran out" he spat looking over to him.

"I was angry, I wanted to shout, rant, and I told you half the truth but you already knew the truth you just didn't want to confirm it" he shouted at him. "Now go to the fucking bathroom"

"What?"

"Go" he ordered watching Dean comply and shuffle to the bathroom. Castiel closed his eyes breathing out and punched in Gabriel's number to call him.

"He's home, he walked in as I was walking out"

"What? Holy shit, is he okay?"

"Yes….for now" he said before hanging up and joining Dean in the bathroom. Dean looked up staring at him and grunted when Castiel shoved him down.

"Hungover?"

"Yeah" he croaked watching as Castiel opened the medical kit. "I'm sorry, Cas"

"I hope it hurts, now look up" he muttered cleaning the cut. Dean winced with a low moan underneath him watching him carefully.

"You're angry"

"Are you surprised?" Castiel said softly. "I'm sorry for what I said, Dean, and it didn't mean to come out that way but you knew why I really left"

"Because I'm a slut"

"You're not a slut, Dean, you're an idiot and an insufferable asshat for all the bullshit you lay on me again and again and again because you're my best friend and I put up with your shit because I have to. I trail the streets looking for you because I care more than anyone in this world about you, and I stay up half of the night waiting for you to come through that door because if I lost you I don't know what the hell I would do because you're everything to me" he said dabbing his forehead hard. Dean winced at his tone and the soreness from his cut.

"I'm sorry"

Castiel gritted his teeth covering it with a plaster and standing back to admire it. "That should do, now get a shower, eat, and then sleep"

"Don't hate me"

"Did you not just listen to my speech?"

"I did and I'm sorry"

"I know you are but I'll forgive you when I think it's right"

"We need to have a serious talk don't we?"

Castiel smiled coldly with a nod shoving his head gently. "Shower, Dean, you need it"

Dean was left on his own as he walked him away and he could dimly hear him talking on the phone in the kitchen. Elmo poked his head around the door sliding in and surprising Dean who chuckled scooping him.

"Are you annoyed with me as well?" he murmured stroking him gently before putting him down and switching on the shower. Castiel listening to the shower and let his head fall to the kitchen table in relief that he was okay, he was breathing, and he was fully functioning. The relief was there but so was the anger and Castiel swore he would make his life a living hell for a few more weeks. It was his solemn duty.

**A/N: This is fic is turning out a lot longer than I planned! Thank you for all the reviews!**


	25. Chapter 25

_**October 2010**_

"I really, really, don't want to do this" Dean whined from the bedroom packing his things into a duffel bag. Castiel frowned walking in and folding his arms to glare at Dean.

"It's a week away with you, me, Sam and Gabriel in my dead uncle's cabin which my aunt is happy to lend us because we need a break, I have a week away from that stupid school and you have a break from that disaster of a hospital" he said walking towards him to poke him hard in the chest. "It's going to be fun"

Dean watched him walk out with narrowed eyes and a scowl. Elmo was staying with Karen and Anna for the week to her delight since she had fallen in love with him at first sight and a part of Dean would miss him.

"It's in Colorado"

"It's out of Oklahoma"

"It's a week with my brother and the most annoying person in the world"

"Dean!" Castiel shouted annoyed at him from the other bedroom.

He snorted amused at his annoyed tone because he hadn't stopped using that tone since the incident in July. Things between them had been awkward at the beginning with Dean guilty and facing the wrath of Castiel and his family who were also pissed at him. The tension was awkward and tetchy between them as they danced around each other not knowing what to say or do and kept the long awaited "talk" to one side for now. Eventually as the weeks and months passed the conversations grew longer and the awkwardness started to slip but it was still there buried in the back of both of their minds waiting to pop out and be confronted.

"You're dragging me up into some mountains in autumn with my brother and your brother who are…well you know" Dean said with a grimace feeling a little sick.

"Well they're not going to fuck all over it…"

"Ah no, no, no" he chanted covering his ears. "You shut the fuck up with that talk…no"

"Don't be silly, Dean"

"I could refuse"

"I really wouldn't"

"Oh yeah, what are you going to do if I don't?"

"Dean, I will make your life more of a living hell than it already is" he said slowly turning towards him with narrowed eyes. "Stop complaining"

Dean glared at the back of his head.

"Stop glaring at me and get ready" he muttered startling Dean to eye him curiously before he moved away into his bedroom collecting the rest of things and hauling it over his shoulder.

"Give me one good reason why this is going to any good?"

"One good reason"

"Please"

"It's a good reason because it gets both of us and our brothers away for a while. You're being ridiculous about this, Dean, and no I can't force you but I know you will regret it if you don't come" he said with a sigh. "But I will make your life a living hell if you don't come and leave me with the still lovesick couple"

"Oh how appealing this sounds" Dean said with a snort. "Fine, I'll come"

"You make me so happy"

"I love your sarcasm" Dean muttered shoving his head gently as they collected their things and locked up the apartment. "So we're meeting them there?"

"Yes, here" he said handing him a map.

"I don't need a map"

"Dean…"

"I don't need a map!" he said with a huff chucking their duffels into the back and climbing in the front. "I think I can get to Colorado"

"If we end up in the middle of nowhere I'm going to leave your body to wolves and bears"

"Yeah, yeah, you'd just come running back" Dean said with smugness in his tone. Castiel rolled his eyes when Dean turned the music up and pulled out for the long drive up to the cabin. It was a long drive up as music filled the silence between them.

"Dean, I want you to take the map"

"Fuck you"

"Dean"

"I'm not lost!" he cried annoyed as they parked on the side of the road. "I know exactly where we are"

"Okay, Dean, where are we?"

"We're in a road"

"You're so clever" Castiel said dryly flashing him a look. "What road?"

"In Oklahoma"

"Clever, again, but what's the name?"

"I don't know, Mr Whiz, check your fucking map!" he snapped tugging it out of his hands. "I know exactly where we are"

"Oh yeah"

"Cut the tone, Cas, it's getting old" he muttered looking over to him and down at the map. "I know where we are now"

"Good" Castiel said softly glancing out of the window. "We better get going before it gets dark"

Dean nodded gritting his jaw and speeding away as they drove following the map directions under the constant persistence of Castiel waving it in his face. They soon arrived hungry, irritable, and in desperate need to move out of the car. Castiel stared up at the cabin with a small smile remembering it as a child. It always reminded Castiel of the cabins in films, wood panelling, a deck, a lake nearby, and the beautiful sort of calm that circled it over and over again.

"Bonjour bitches!" Gabriel hollered stepping out through the front door followed by Sam.

"Gabriel" Castiel called in greeting as hugs were exchanged and they headed inside together.

"Whoa" Dean said with a low whistle. "Nice place"

"Nice? It's fucking gorgeous! Our uncle, rest his drunk, moody, and filthy soul in hell loved the place but our aunt…she doesn't" Gabriel said gleefully jumping around the kitchen. "It's everything I could want, coffee machine, fridge full of goodies, and a lake nearby where I can swim naked"

"Too much information" Dean muttered in disgust shoving him as he went to get a room and Sam flushed red shoving Gabriel too he whined at being beaten up. Dean walked into one of the spare rooms chucking his bag on and looking out across the woods. The door creaked and he turned to see Castiel's head poking around.

"Where are you?"

"Down the hall, it was my room when we came to stay" he said walking in and looking around. "This was the spare room, it was never slept in"

"Good, I don't to be sharing germs"

Castiel nodded slowly narrowing his eyes. "Come on…we need food"

"I'll be right down" he said looking out of the window hearing him leave and frowning deeply. Why did it feel so awkward these days to talk to him, they were best friends and now it felt like struggling through water to get through a conversation without snapping at each or fading into the back ground. He walked down hearing the three of them talking loudly in the kitchen and the smell of burgers wafting out.

"Hey, Dean, you want a burger?" Sam called out as he rounded the corner.

"When have I ever refused?" he murmured sliding in next to Sam and grabbing one. He noticed out of the corner of his eye as Castiel tugged at Gabriel's wrist and they disappeared into the study shutting the door.

"What's that all about?" he murmured nodding at the now closed doors.

"I don't know" Sam muttered leaning against the counter. "So…how are you two?"

"We're fine"

"Really"

"Yes" he snapped flicking his eyes over to him. "Why?"

"I don't know…it's just…things seem a little tense between you like something has happened or not happened" he said making wiggly fingers into the air. "So I'm guessing things haven't been okay since your disappearing act"

"Things weren't good before that" he murmured rubbing a hand over his cheek. "I didn't realise it was so obvious"

"It's because I know you better than anyone else"

"Alright, alright, things are a little…awkward, tense, and fucking ridiculous" he said with a sigh picking the bun of his burger. "I feel like he's moving further and further away from me and there is nothing I can do to stop him"

"Have you talked to him?"

"We've been putting it off"

Sam sighed sipping his beer and handing him one. "You need to talk to him, Dean, there's no point in putting it off over and over again because it's only going to get worse"

Dean glared over the top of his beer but knew he was right because he was always bloody right.

"I'm going insane, Gabriel"

"Well keep your insanity to yourself" he murmured with a sigh flicking through a dictionary. "Stop telling me all your woes and tell your best friend please"

"But he's the problem!"

"Well tell him and get rid of this tension between you and Dean somehow because it's infecting Sam and I and we're good, really good at the moment"

"I'm sorry" he murmured shutting his eyes. "I just know that if I say something it'll be something that I seriously regret"

Gabriel sighed slamming it shut and tossing it on the desk. "Well maybe that is a good thing, tell him what you _really _think before it gets worse and you're two strangers sitting in an apartment"

"You're right"

"Of course I'm right, I'm awesome, right, we done? Sam, if you have eaten my burger there will no sex!" he shouted to the disgust of Dean and Castiel who shouted at him as he laughed hard. Castiel remained in the study staring at the painting of a flowerpot with a frown knowing he had to confront Dean and have this serious talk with him at long last.

He left the comfort of the study to see Sam and Gabriel engaged in a kiss that made Castiel's chest ache at the tenderness of it.

"Oh" Sam muttered noticing him and pulling away flushing a deep pink. "If you're looking for Dean, he's outside"

"Thank you" he murmured pushing open the door to see Dean sitting on the deck with a bottle of whiskey at his side. Castiel sighed softly walking over and dropping down to sit next to him and nodded at his feet in the water.

"There are snakes in here"

"Good" Dean murmured with a small smile. "What are you doing out here?"

"We need to have this talk I have been putting off since July"

"Oh yeah" Dean murmured picking up the bottle and handing it over to him.

"I don't want to have it drunk, Dean"

"More for me" Dean murmured going to unscrew it when Castiel yanked the bottle out of his hand chucking it into the lake leaving Dean to gape at it and shove Castiel hard.

"What the hell?!"

"We're not having this conversation drunk now face me" he said tugging him so they were sat facing each other on the dock. Dean glanced over to the setting sun and raised an eyebrow.

"Well isn't this romantic"

"Shut up, we need to talk"

"I know we do"

"This has been going on since before July, Dean"

"When I drove you away"

Castiel sighed staring down at his hands feeling angry but also sad at the same time. "Dean, you and I have been best friends for nearly seven years now. We've been through so much shit together that it's almost laughable and painful at the same time. I've been abused, I've taken drugs, I've been hit by a car and died, and throughout it all I have had you, Dean, you've been my rock and I've been yours through Mary dying, through Martha dying and all the mess that came along with it because I care about you more than anything in the whole world. I'd rather die than something happen to you. But now things are difficult between us, tension, lies, deceit, and running away from our problems because we can put on a façade"

"What are you trying to say?"

"That we should have never started our whole friends with benefits arrangement…friends don't have sex with each other unless both of them really mean it and yes…the sex was good, more than good, but everything that's happened between us is because of that. You fucked people whilst still fucking me and you didn't care, Dean, you didn't care about what it would do to me. I admit I ran, I ran away from you to different countries but it was also to see the world as well. I was always going to come back to you. The problem was when I did everything bad happened came with it"

"It wasn't a relationship…"

"But it was a commitment, Dean, friends with benefits only with each other…or should I have whispered it in your ear when I came inside you not realising I was sharing you with the rest of Oklahoma"

"Oh you just had to slip it in didn't you? We should write a book on it, Dean Winchester is a slut by Castiel Milton, I'm sure it will be a bestseller" Dean said with a snort of disbelief. "I had sex with other people, big deal, life goes on, Cas, move along with it"

Castiel bit his lip looking out across the water. "You're an asshole, Dean, you're a complete asshole and you don't even realise how much it hurt me when I saw all those messages from them women and men, you don't see, you don't care…"

"Of course I care!"

"No you don't!"

"Look, Cas, can we not just forget about it?"

"No because this is the reason why we are here"

"Because I slept with other people while sleeping with you?" he said with question in his tone.

"It's half of it but it's part of the reason I left and part of the reason why things are so awkward between us now, why we can't talk properly, and why we can't even spend time with each other anymore"

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"I wish I could believe you"

"I am sorry, Cas, I am"

Castiel nodded slowly lacing their hands together with a sigh. "I know, okay, I know but you still did it"

Dean squeezed their hands tightly together with a feeling of foreboding. "What do we do?"

"We're too dependent on each other now…we live together, we do everything together, Dean, we need…space"

"We had fucking space, you went away for six months"

"But we still kept in contact nearly every single day"

"So?"

"Dean, are you really that blind?"

"Nope…perfect vision" he muttered blinking madly at him. "We don't need space; we need to sort out our differences instead of…running away"

"We need space to grow…"

"That's running away"

"Dean!"

"Cas!"

Castiel huffed feeling tired and fed up already of the conversation. It was like hitting a wall over and over again with Dean's stubbornness.

"I think I should move out for a while, let's get some space, time to breathe, grow, do other things and see each other once a week or something…" Castiel said softly and faltering when Dean shook his head with a fierce look on his expression.

"No, Cas, you can't"

"Dean, don't make this difficult" he muttered letting his head to press his forehead into his their hands.

"I'm not! You're being stupid, Cas, don't make me chuck you in the water"

"Dean, please…please try and listen to me" he pleaded.

Dean sighed deeply gripping his wrists and tugging him till he sat in his lap with a yelp of surprise. He smirked locking his wrists in place and narrowing his eyes to look into his. Castiel glared wrapping his legs around his waist and leaning back.

"Dean…"

"You know when I first met you when I was drunk and a mess…I didn't like you"

"I know because my first impression of you was not good and my second impression of you was even worse" he said with a roll of his eyes.

"But then I got to know you, the real you, you're a freak"

"That's not nice"

"But you are, you drink tea with too many sugars, you listen to that classical shit, you just chucked a bottle of whiskey in the water, you hate sleeping on the left it has to be the right, you need to be comforted after sex and a nightmare which I guess isn't freaky but still…you hate beer"

"It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth" he murmured with a frown.

"You're my best friend, my only friend in a sense"

"We're going off topic here, Dean"

"You don't have to move out! We can sort this here and now"

"What…with sex?" Castiel said tilting his head and glancing down. "I can see the lust in your eyes, Dean"

Dean scoffed amused looking over into the water. "No"

"Then why am I in your lap?"

"Because I want you there"

"Dean, I'm serious about this, we can't carry on like we have been"

"So what should we do?"

"I've already told you!"

"How is moving out going to solve this?! Cas, if you move out nothing will be solved apart from you living on your own or with some asshole"

Gabriel peered out of the window and laughed once in surprise. "If they're not fucking by tonight, I'll eat my socks"

"Gabe" Sam whined with a look of disgust. "I really hope they don't"

"Why not"

"Because it won't help them"

"Oh fuck that! They're meant to be together"

"Did you really just say that" Sam said with a small smile biting into a chip. "Are they meant to be together like we are? Do you know how long I pined for you?"

"Yep and that's what my little bro has been doing for six fucking years so why not get a little entertainment and nookie along the way from him"

"Please never, ever, ever, say that word again" Sam said burying his face into the cushion.

Gabriel laughed hard running over and leaping over the couch to settle down next to him with a small smile.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Finally" Sam murmured when he leaned over pressing a soft kiss to his lips and wriggled into his arms as they settled to watch a film.

"So you want to spend the rest of our time together like this, Dean? Full of tension, awkwardness, and a huge wall between"

"Cas, it's only there because we're letting it be there"

"I still think I should move, live with Balthazar…"

"Oh I'm sure he'd fucking love that" Dean said with a scoff. "No way, Cas"

"Are you really going to stop me?"

"Cas, I will tie you down into the bed if I have to" he said with an unwavering eye contact. Castiel swallowed feeling heat pool in his groin at the thought and shuffled closer to him in instinct.

"You said that once before…before I went on my trip"

"I still could of…"

"You were miserable without me, Dean; you spent all your time with Sam and even got Elmo because you needed company! It's dependency, Dean, and if I leave…"

"…I'll get a farm of animals" Dean finished the sentence with a grin and gasped in pain when Castiel struck him on the arm hard. Dean sighed wrapping a hand around the back of his neck and bringing him down to press their foreheads together.

"I thought this was a week away to chill and relax?"

"It is but it's also a week to confront issues"

"Can we do it tomorrow then? I fancy getting a little drunk"

"Dean, we can't put this off"

"We won't…let's just sort it out tomorrow" he said pushing him away gently and glancing at the bottle of whiskey now empty and all in the river. "You're a dick"

"Go get some more" Castiel said waving him away with a sigh and watching him jog back into the cabin. He sighed knowing it was going to take a lot to get through that wall of stubbornness and co-dependency but he would do it, he had no choice.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

They ended up on the porch swing wrapped up in coats and blankets with Dean lying sideways with Castiel lying in between his legs using his chest as support. Gabriel and Sam were currently at the back of the house and Dean didn't want to hear or know what was happening.

"I love water" Castiel murmured sipping from the bottle of wine. "I just love nature and deer's"

"What?" Dean murmured into his ear with a chuckle. "Why deer's"

"They're majestic"

Dean blinked bemused pushing his nose into the back of his hair and inhaling deeply. "You smell like apples"

"I feel very drunk" Castiel slurred. "Dean"

"What?"

"Let's go swimming" he said spinning around to face him.

"What?"

"You heard, let's go swimming"

"In that lake…n-no way, Cas, it's got snakes and crocodiles"

He felt Castiel stiffen in his arms and turned to look at him. "Crocodiles"

"Yeah, they'll bite your head off"

"Dean!" he said annoyed when he laughed burying his face into the crook of his neck. "I used to swim in there when I was a child…let's skinny dip"

"My, my, Cas" he said raising an eyebrow when he struggled out of his arms pulling off his shirt stumbling away. Dean watched in awe and amusement as he stood up and watched Castiel strip off all clothing and head to the dock.

"I think there's a reason you don't drink" Dean murmured with a chuckle when he jumped into the cold water. "You're insane!"

"I'm not insane" he called back to him.

"It's autumn, you idiot!" Dean shouted walking over and shaking his head at him naked and swimming in the water. Castiel didn't seem to care as he ducked under the water and rose up with a gasp.

"Are you going to leave me in here alone?"

"I'm not…not going in there" Dean said sitting down heavily sticking in his bare feet. Castiel swam over with a smile biting into his lip.

"I never knew you to be scared"

"I'm not scared"

"Well come in here"

"I'd rather keep my balls attached to my body instead of freezing"

"It isn't even that cold"

Dean watched him for a long minute before sighing long and hard struggling out of his clothes and jumping in. Castiel gasped when the water went over him and swam back looking over the water but Dean didn't rise back up.

"Dean?" he called out with a hard swallow when a hand wrapped around his ankle and he jumped kicking out till Dean rose up spluttering. "You scared me!"

"You kicked me in the eye" he scolded when Castiel hit him on the shoulder hard. Castiel hummed kicking over and pressing his lips over his eyes in a kiss before pulling away. Dean swallowed seeing his outline in the dark and trailed his hand on top of the water.

"Don't drown"

"I won't" he murmured gripping his arm and sliding them around his neck.

Dean's eyes blurred from the alcohol and he slid his hands down so they circled his waist and he smirked. He had forgotten how alcohol made Castiel a little horny and it didn't matter where he was.

"What are you doing?" Dean murmured into his ear.

"Tired" he murmured back staring up at the sky. "Dean"

"Yeah"

"What are we going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Everything" he muttered closing his eyes.

Dean huffed softly tilting his jaw towards him eyeing him carefully. "You're not making sense"

"I know" he whispered and hummed softly when Dean pressed a kiss underneath his ear were it was most sensitive, across his jaw, forehead, nose and throat nipping at the skin and inhaling the smell of water, wine, and something salty. Dean didn't go near his lips which Castiel was not complaining about as he dozed against him.

"Come on" Dean murmured biting into his ear as he dragged him out of the water so they could dry off before freezing to death in the middle of a lake.

That's how they ended up sharing the same bed for warmth with Dean happy and content in the king bed. Castiel watched him carefully stroking his fingers down the panes of his face also tired but feeling a little more awake.

"Dean" he whispered watching him sniff deeply clearly now asleep. "Dean"

"What?" he murmured sleepily.

"I love you"

"Alright"

Castiel sighed when he snuggled deeper into the pillow wrapping his arm around him tighter completely oblivious to what had just happened. He swallowed pressing closer to him and knew what they had wasn't healthy, it would never be healthy, but it was certainly one in a million.

**A/N: I don't write this, they do. They're frustrating me and I'm the writer! Did everyone see 8.07 last night? I burst into tears at the end because of emotions. This ship is sailing proud.**


	26. Chapter 26

_**October 2010 (the next day)**_

Castiel woke up feeling warm and content as he opened his eyes to see Dean curled around him and swallowed hard when his stomach and heart dropped in realisation what he said to him last night. His head pounded as he shifted up looking towards the window and swore softly. Dean stirred next to him and reached out pawing at his thigh for a moment before settling into the cushion for more sleep.

"Dean" he murmured twisting to face him. "Do you want coffee?"

"Mmfh" Dean said with a nod.

"Okay" Castiel whispered stroking a hand down the back of his hair lingering in the softness for a moment before pulling away and hopping off the bed.

Gabriel whistled a happy tune as he pounced in the kitchen and paused staring at Castiel staring out of the window with a vacant expression.

"Cas?" he said in concern touching his arm so he jumped jerking away and staring at him in confusion.

"Good morning"

"What's wrong?" Gabriel murmured looking out of the window to see nothing out there.

"I told Dean I love him last night"

"What?" he said in astonishment. "What did he say?"

"Alright"

"What?"

"He said alright…we were drunk and he was asleep though"

"Wait, wait, wait, you told Dean you loved him and his response was…alright?"

"Yes"

Gabriel gaped blinking rapidly. "That little shit"

"Like I said we were drunk, he was asleep, and I don't think he even remembers" Castiel murmured pouring coffee into a cup and tea into his own. "I just…what if he remembers?"

"Cas if he remembers he would have said a lot more than fucking alright" Gabriel snapped biting into his thumb. "Fuck, way a go telling him like that"

"It was in the heat of the moment"

"Did you have sex?"

"No but we did skinny dip and he kissed me everywhere" he said gesturing a hand over his face.

"That's worse than sex…you need to tell him how you _really feel _for him otherwise you're going to end up pining after him forever" Gabriel said gripping his shoulders and shaking him gently. "Look at Sam and I, we're really good…"

"Gabe, I don't want to hear it" Castiel said grabbing the cups and brushing past him as he walked back to the bedroom shutting the door. Dean snuffled when he shook his shoulder and held the cup out to him.

"Oh you're a star" Dean muttered reaching for it and peering at the black liquid like it was his heaven. He sipped it and nodded pushing up to rest against the headboard.

"I feel like there's a full on rave going on in my head…did you slip something in my drink?"

"Yes I poisoned you; I will be the last face you will ever see"

Dean snorted sipping his coffee. "Yeah, sure"

Castiel sat next to him huddled up in the covers blowing his tea and staring out of the window. Dean noticed the tension and hummed poking him in the thigh.

"What's with the glum face?"

"I'm tired and hungover"

"Then why are you awake? Why the fuck am I awake?" he murmured with a frown.

"Because if it was up to you, Dean, you'd sleep away the day"

"True…but that's not it, there's something else" Dean said pulling at his wrist. "Tell me"

"Do you remember last night?"

"Vaguely" Dean said softly amused. "I know we skinny dipped and there was whiskey, wine, and that blue stuff in the bottle"

"Yes but do you remember afterwards?"

Dean eyed him and shook his head. "I remember crashing in here and that's about it…why did something happen? Did we have sex?"

"We didn't have sex"

"Good I'd like to remember that" he said with a wink directed at him.

"You're constantly horny aren't you?"

"I like sex…sue me"

"For all your money" Castiel murmured watching him as he leaned over kissing the tip of his nose before leaning back against the cushions.

Castiel watched him silently while he got out of bed with a hard sigh to get a shower and tried to ignore the niggling feeling swimming in his stomach over and over again. It hurt his heart to know that Dean wasn't really listening when he told him he loved him and he knew deep down it was stupid to say it to a drunken sleeping man but he couldn't help it. His eyes went back to the window and he stared out across the dock and lake knowing changes had to be made and soon.

Things couldn't continue like they were with casual sex, pining feelings, denied feelings, and tension enough to make the pair of them feel so uncomfortable. Castiel listening to his singing from the joint bathroom and shut his eyes knowing he had to get out somehow. He moved out of the bedroom and walked outside to see Gabriel outside on the dock and walked out to join him.

"I need some advice" he said standing on the dock and sitting next to him.

"Oh do you want to listen to me now?"

"I'm going to move out but Dean doesn't want me to, he wants me to stay and stay how we are and I can't do it anymore. He doesn't remember that I said I loved him" he said staring down into the water.

Gabriel closed his eyes with a sigh. "You know what you have to do right?"

"No"

"You need to make him realise how much he _really _wants you, how much he loves and cares about you because the asshole does, alright? He's hiding it like he hides everything else and you need to make him see it" he said with an exasperated sigh. "It's exhausting watching you two dance around each other! Do you know how many bets Sam and I have taken over you two? It's getting tiring"

Castiel blinked looking over to him confused but let it go. "So I make him work for it?"

"Yes, you make him sweat, you do whatever it takes to get him under that thumb" he said holding up his hand. "Metaphorically of course but you know what you have to do"

Castiel nodded as Gabriel shoved him playfully and he made the plans in his head and prepared for Dean's reaction which would be painful but it had to be done otherwise he'd never do it.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**December 2010**_

Dean stared into the bare bedroom with a heavy feeling in his chest and glared at Elmo claiming territory in the empty bedroom. Castiel had gone and done the move two weeks ago moving into a small studio near the school he worked at for lower rent and space they both needed. It wasn't as much as a surprise when they returned from their week away in Colorado in October to return to normal life and Castiel became secretive. Dean hated it and watched from the side lines with narrowed eyes and curiosity. He went to work with his thoughts filled off secrets, lies, Cas, and that bad feeling that wouldn't fade. Dean finally got his answers in November when Castiel put on an act by sitting him down and slipping the papers into his hands.

"It's small, cheap, and a bit of an abysmal but it's good for me right now…I need to do this, Dean, because we need this and not just for me but for you" he pleaded gripping his hands tight. Dean stared at the papers with a painful tear in his chest and nodded slowly.

"I guess this is the big secret"

"I'm sorry for not telling you but if I did you'd stop me and you know it"

"So you've got it then?"

"I've put down a deposit, yes"

"Great" Dean muttered chucking the papers down and standing up. "So you're just going to leave me here"

"Yes because this is good for both of us and you know it is"

"No it really isn't, Cas, I don't want to live on my fucking own!" he shouted facing him. "I've never lived on my own"

Castiel sighed sitting up and walking over to join him. "It's time to grow up, peter pan"

"Cute" Dean snapped annoyed looking away from him. "Fine, you know what…do whatever you want"

"Dean" he said softly with concern shining in his eyes when he pushed his hand away going into the bedroom and slamming the door behind him. His eyes shut for a moment before gathering the strength to move pass it and pack up his life. Dean could only watch and seethe every single day after that as empty boxes came in and he packed away his life with the help of Balthazar who was very smug about it.

"Why Dean…you look upset, petal" Balthazar teased him when Dean watched from the couch.

"Piss off, Balthazar" he hissed into his face seeing the surprise before it faded into nothing.

"Well isn't someone a cranky bitch now that best friend and fuck partner is moving far away from you" he whispered with a grin jumping away and heading into Castiel's bedroom. "Living close to me as well"

"Fuck you, Balthazar, what the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"No thanks…Cassy might kill me" he said poking his head around the door frame with a grimace. "He sent little old me around to finish up here because he wants to get moving"

"I could have done that" Dean said with a scowl.

"Well he wanted me" Balthazar said with a grin moving back inside. Dean gritted his teeth hating this more than he ever thought.

The official moving day was a shock to the system when he looked into Castiel's bedroom to see everything gone, the mattress bare, and all the life that was in there gone. He swallowed hard looking over to Castiel who stood near the front door staring at him with an open expression.

"You know I'm going to miss you right?" he said softly as Dean sat down heavily on the couch.

"Well I know the cure…don't fucking move!" he muttered tugging Elmo in his lap. Castiel smiled faintly amused bending down to press a kiss to the back of his ear and wrapping his arms around his shoulders from behind. Dean leaned back into his warmth shutting his eyes.

"I have to do this for us" he whispered before biting into his ear gently and chuckling when he grunted swatting at him.

"That hurt"

"I'll see you soon"

"Yeah" Dean muttered thoughtfully repressing a shiver when he kissed the back of his neck and leaving soon after. He couldn't stop the flinch that came when the apartment door snapped behind him and he looked down at Elmo who stared back with wide luminous blue eyes.

"It's just you and I buddy" he murmured stroking his fingers into fur when the silence of the flat hit him and he instantly turned on the television needing noise. It was far too quiet. The silence carried on for two weeks as he busied himself in work and keeping his head down the best he could. Winter was creeping in and the snow started to fall day by day creating a more Christmas feel to the place.

Elmo purred from his place on the mattress all stretched out and clearly loving it as Dean shook his head at him.

"Demon" he hissed at him before walking away and glancing at the soap opera on and hummed dropping down on the couch for yet again another night in. He was settled into the crook of the couch when his phone buzzed and he stared at the caller I.D with narrowed eyes. Since Castiel had moved out two weeks ago they had barely spoken or seen each other.

"Oh my god, he's not dead" Dean answered in a flat tone.

"Dean, don't be like that"

"You've ignored me for two weeks"

"I have not ignored you, Dean, it's called space and I've been busy" he said with a sigh. "I'm calling for a reason…I want you to come out with Balthazar and I"

"Oh how I love to be a third wheel"

"You're not a third wheel"

"Oh so you and Balthazar didn't arrange a night out without me"

"Dean, we are not teenagers so stop acting like one. Balthazar invited me out and I want you to come out because I haven't seen you in two weeks and I miss you. I want you to stop being so difficult and come out"

Dean rolled his eyes with vigour tapping hit foot. "Fine, what time?"

"I'll come over now"

"Fine" he muttered hanging up and tossing his phone. Dean knew he was acting pathetically and like a big kid but he couldn't help but feeling a little left out and most of all lonely. He dressed in more comfy clothes and waited for the scratch of the key and turned when Castile opened the door.

"I shouldn't have this anymore"

"Well hello to you too" Dean said in greeting taking him in and nodding at Elmo skidding out of the bedroom and wrapping his little body around Castiel's ankles. "He misses you"

"I've missed him too…both of you" he said scooping him up and smiling at Elmo who mewled at him.

"We're not exactly far…why haven't you called?"

"Because of work, we need space, and it's been good for both of us I think don't you think? I felt excited to see you and not nervous or awkward" he said moving over to him with a frown. "You look pale"

"I'm fine" he murmured slapping his wandering hand gently. "Why is Balthazar going out? He was an alcoholic"

"He wants to get out; he promises to drink orange juice"

"That's depressing"

"We're going to town"

"Good, I need alcohol and now" he said snatching up his phone and keys. "Should I drive?"

"No, we can get a cab"

"Fine" he said chucking down the car keys and moving closer to him to stroke Elmo gently. "He's taken your bedroom"

"I'm really not surprised" he murmured stroking a hand down his fur and meeting his eyes. "Have you been sleeping and eating well?"

"Fuck…yes mom" he murmured giving him the evil eye.

"I worry about you"

"I'm fine" he murmured pressing their foreheads together and relaxing Castiel completely as he surrendered to him closing his eyes. The simple gesture was enough for Castiel because of the fact it had been carried on for years.

"How's the studio?"

"It's good; you can come see it you know"

"Maybe" Dean murmured pulling away and pulling out his phone to call the cab. "Are we meeting him there?"

"Yes" he said resting his cheek on top of Elmo's head. "It'll be good to get out, how's the hospital?"

"Busy" he said with a roll of his eyes. "I'm sick of being puked on"

"Oh the woes of Dean"

"Shut up" he murmured before ordering a cab for the address and hanging up. "Let's get so drunk we can't see"

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"One, two, three" Dean said as they knocked back a shot and Castiel coughed slamming his chest and chuckled with a nod. Balthazar rolled his eyes at the pair of them as they ordered another round.

"How's your orange juice?" Dean said with a smug smile nodding at Balthazar who sipped it with a smile.

"Tangy" he said eyeing the woman who walked past. "Well isn't that an interesting ass"

"If that's your thing" Castiel murmured swaying gently.

They had arrived three hours prior and were now already feeling the effects of their drinks as they trailed clubs and ended up in a final one not wanting to leave.

"Casanova" Balthazar sang dragging him over and nodding towards the other end of the bar. "That guy…the one in the green shirt…he can't take his eyes off you, well no one can keep their eyes off you because you're gorgeous but he's practically drooling"

Castiel looked over to the dark haired man staring over at him with lust shining deep into his eyes as he winked at him. He flushed looking down at the shot before knocking it back. Dean stood next to him glaring fiercely between them as the alcohol took hold.

"Go get him tiger" Balthazar growled playfully in his ear and dodged over to Dean. "Don't worry darling, I'll set you up to! So who do you want…woman or man?"

"Neither…where the hell is he going?" Dean said standing up straighter to watch Castiel move away and slink into the crowd.

"He's on the move" Balthazar said with a smile. "Does that bother you?"

Dean didn't answer as he sipped from his beer staring at Castiel and Mr Green as they talked at the end of the bar. Balthazar laughed loud looking between them and slinking closer to him.

"My, oh my, if looks could kill this whole bar would be dead and rotten" he murmured poking him hard in the arm. "You're stinking in jealously"

"I'm not jealous"

"Oh really"

"Yeah" he snapped slamming the bottle down on the bar.

"Ohhhhh so you won't mind if he takes Mr Green over there home to his new studio apartment and fucks him till sunrise" Balthazar said with a grin and gasped with a chuckle when Mr Green grabbed him kissing him slowly and sensually. Dean gritted his teeth watching Castiel respond with enthusiasm pressing close to him, arms wrapped around his neck as they kissed deeply and practically eating each other's mouths over and over again.

Balthazar hummed looking over to Dean and pausing for thought at the look on his face. It was filled with a pain that he hadn't seen before and it actually tore at Balthazar's heart and now that was hard to do. Dean sniffed deeply pushing the drink away. "I need…air"

He straightened watching Dean push his way through the crowd and up the stairs so he could burst out inhaling the frigid air. It was a cold night and he shifted around the drunk people to lean against the wall feeling a little sick and not drunk enough to deal with this right now.

"Come home with me right now, you're gorgeous" he whispered into Castiel's ear.

"I-I don't even know your name"

"Harrison" he purred into his ear. "You have a great ass"

Castiel pulled back looking into the olive coloured eyes and shook his head. "No, I-I can't…my friends"

"They won't miss you but I will if you leave me hanging"

"I can't" he murmured when Harrison bit and kissed into his neck stroking a hand over his ass over and over again. Castiel looked over to Balthazar currently chatting up a woman with big breasts and big hair but no Dean.

"Where's…Dean, I need to find him" he murmured pushing out of his arms.

"No wait!" Harrison called out gripping his hand and pulling him back. "Whoever this Dean is…he can wait"

"No, no, I need to find him, he's my Dean" he whispered when Harrison kissed him hard. He moaned into the kiss before pulling away with a shake of his head.

"No" he muttered pushing him away and stumbling away to find him. "Balthazar, where's Dean?"

"He went out there" Balthazar said with a nod leading him outside as he looked around and found a person looking very much like Dean smoking.

"Dean" he murmured stepping in front of him staring at the cigarette in his mouth. "You don't smoke"

"Nope but there's always a first time for everything" Dean said with a cough hitting his chest. "It's not bad…why are you here, Casanova?"

"I was looking for you…why are you out here and why-why are you smoking?" Castiel murmured stepping closer to him and plucking it out of his fingers to take a drag and wincing. Dean smirked pulling it away and shrugging.

"Fresh winter air…where's your lover?"

"I don't have a lover…"

"There you are!"

Castiel spun nearly losing balance until Dean steadied him and they looked at Harrison staring intently at Castiel.

"Oh" he murmured backing away and walking into Dean's chest.

"Come on, let's get out of here"

"No-no" he said with a shake of his head. "I'm going to stay here"

"Come on baby" Harrison cooed grabbing his wrist and tugging hard enough for Castiel to cry out in pain. Castiel stumbled back watching Dean in shock who reacted instantly shoving Harrison away from him so he cried out crashing to the floor.

"Back the fuck off!" he growled at him. "You touch him again and I'll break your legs"

Harrison scrambled backwards from Dean ignoring the looks and laughs from other drunken people watching intrigued.

"Dean" Castiel murmured when Dean pulled him to his side and grabbed his wrist gently glaring at the pink surrounding his wrist.

"Are you okay?"

"I feel sick" he murmured leaning against him.

"Come on, let's get you home"

"What home? My home or your home?" he murmured stumbling along with him.

"My home" he said as he called a cab and stroked a hand down his side. Castiel yawned with a nod snuggling into him. Dean wrinkled his nose at the cheap smell of the other guys' aftershave and thought for a moment of shoving him into shower when they got in but decided against drowning him.

Dean was glad to get in and looked at Castiel clinging to him as he hauled him into the bedroom dropping him on the bed.

"Are you not drunk?"

"I was and then I sobered up because my drunken ass of a best friend is hammered" Dean said undressing him. "Do you feel sick?"

"Nope" he said shaking his head with a smile lifting up his arms as Dean tugged the t-shirt off. Dean watched him snuggle under the covers breathing deeply and undressed before climbing under the covers to join him. Castiel hummed wriggling into his arms with a content sound when Dean pressed a soft kiss to his forehead closing his eyes.

"Dean?"

"Yeah"

"I miss you"

"I'm right here"

"No, no, everyday…I miss you" he whispered pressing a kiss to his chin. "I lo…"

"What?" Dean murmured squinting at him.

Castiel bit into his lip with a shake of his head. "I try but I can't keep away, I can't stop…you're under my skin…like a tattoo"

"What are you talking about?"

"Will you ever realise?" he murmured into the skin of his collarbone. Dean blinked feeling weird about this conversation and listened to his deep breathing next to him sleepy and heavy against him. It was a constant tango and neither one was prepared to stop the dance.

**A/N: Awwww guys! I can feel your frustration! The years are coming to a close so it will be soon. **


	27. Chapter 27

_**April 2011 **_

"I'm thinking of getting a puppy" Castiel said sitting down on the couch handing Dean a beer. Dean snorted shaking his head as he tipped the liquid into his mouth.

"You are never, ever, ever bringing it to my home and scaring Elmo" he said softly and breathed upwards. "Jesus, Cas, it's too hot in this hole"

"My home is not a hole, Dean"

"It is, fuck, I have to open a window" he murmured jumping up and pushing open the window and grimacing at the neighbourhood. "God, please tell me you lock that door when I leave"

"It isn't that bad" Castiel said with a scowl.

For months now to Castiel's dismay he had been making sly and sometimes cruel remarks about his little apartment. Things between them over the last four months had straightened now and in fact to Dean's honest disbelief things were a little easier between them, they could talk about their day and it was actually good to see each other which was now all the time to Castiel's also dismay.

"It smells like drugs, sweat, sex, Cas, you're living in a hole"

"Dean, I swear you said that to me two weeks ago"

"It's disgusting" he muttered biting into his thumb. "You should come back to mine"

"I've been here for four months and I am perfectly content"

"Yeah and now it's time to move on"

Castiel sighed softly rolling his eyes and standing up to join him at the window.

"Was your new year's resolution to drive me out of my house and back to you and Elmo?"

"He misses you"

"I miss him too and I miss you more but we both agree that this move was now a good reason. I enjoy not seeing you for a few days and then seeing you because it means I can talk to you without the pair of us sitting in silence" Castiel murmured with a small smile poking his chest hard.

"Sure" Dean murmured with a roll of his eyes. "I'm sure it's your own personal fuck pad"

Castiel swallowed moving away from him and away from Dean's narrowed eyes.

"It is…isn't it?"

"No" Castiel said softly with a sigh. "But I have been thinking…maybe I should date again"

"Why?"

"Why? Because Dean it's called dating for a reason and I haven't had a serious relationship in years and it's frustrating watching people around you and even your oldest brother have a loving relationship"

Dean opened his mouth to make a remark but the words stuck in his throat. Castiel smiled at him when he dropped next to him with narrowed eyes.

"Dating" Dean spat out like it left a bad taste in his mouth.

"Do you not want a relationship?"

"I'd rather have sex"

"I'd rather make love" Castiel said collecting his empty beer bottle and walking to the kitchen feeling the burn of his eyes on his back.

"Love"

"Yes, Dean, love, it does exist and not just in fairy tales and bad television programmes" he murmured softly. "Dating could be good…I think"

Dean raised an eyebrow watching him clean up and kept his silence. Castiel glanced over to him with a sigh walking over and sitting down next to him.

"You should try it…"

"Dating? I don't do dating, Cas"

"No…you flirt and fuck your way through life" he said with a sad sound. "So what happens when you're fifty or sixty and these devastating good looks slowly slip away and you're all alone?"

"Why…where are you going?"

"I don't know, I could be with someone, married, adopted a few babies…typical cliché family home and life" he said with a shrug. "Little house on the suburbs with a dog called Max"

"Christ, Cas" he muttered looking away from him. "Do you really want that?"

Castiel paused for thought staring into his eyes and shrugged his shoulders once. "I know what I want but at the moment it's so unreachable…I'd have better luck climbing a mountain and returning in one piece"

"What do you mean?"

"You wouldn't understand" he murmured leaning close to him and resting on his shoulder.

"Maybe I would if you told me"

Castiel tucked his head into the crook of his neck and closed his eyes ignoring the question instead. Dean frowned reaching around and stroking a hand through his hair inhaling the smell of berries and pulled back with a frown.

"New shampoo"

"Yes"

"I don't like it"

"Tough"

"Asshole" he whispered into his ear before resuming stroking his hand into his hair as they stared at nothing but sat in comfortable silence. Castiel wriggled underneath his cat causing Dean to smile pressing a kiss in the sensitive part of his ear.

"Dean" he whispered pained tilting his head back to stare into his eyes when like the cock block it is the phone rang startling the pair of them. Castiel reached over answering it with a long drawn out sigh.

"Gabriel"

"Hey baby bro! We're in town so meet us at the Red Diner"

"You're in town"

"Yes! We need a catch up"

"Can you come to the Red Diner?" Castiel whispered to Dean who shook his head.

"I have a shift in half an hour"

"Okay, what time?" he said into the phone.

"Fifteen"

"Okay" Castiel said hanging up and peering at Dean. "Was that a lie?"

"No I seriously have a shift in about twenty five minutes"

"Gabriel and Sam are in town, can you not switch"

Dean frowned when his phone buzzed and he looked at a message from Sam. "Speak of the devil…he heard and he thinks I'm lying"

"I'll tell him you're not, what time do you finish?"

"Half four"

"We'll come around"

Dean nodded pushing up and stretching out. Castiel couldn't resist trailing his eyes up and down his torso with heat pooling in the pit of his stomach. Dean noticed him watching and raised his eyebrows at Castiel who flushed and pointed at his door.

"Go, I'll see you soon"

"Did you like what you see?"

"You know I do"

Dean grinned zipping up his jacket and pressing a hard kiss to his forehead before he left out of the door. Castiel touched the wet mark with a snort of amusement as he got ready and headed out to meet Gabriel and Sam in the Red Diner.

The greeting was enthusiastic as he slipped into the seat with a nod at Sam who waved with his mouth full of coffee.

"Why are you in Oklahoma?"

"We're shopping! Kansas is getting dull and we were…curious" Gabriel murmured glancing at Sam who looked down at the table. "How are you and Deano the dinosaur?"

"Don't call him that, Gabriel, and we're…well I don't know. I can't keep saying fine because Dean is fine but I'm not" he said with a sigh signalling to the waitress who brought him over some coffee which he hated but it would do.

"Bro, I think you need to tell him"

"Tell him what?"

"That you love him, that you are in love with him"

"He'll freak out, Gabriel"

"How do you know until you try?! Just sit him down, get him pie, burgers, and that shit beer he likes and pour your heart out!" Gabriel said thumping the table. "Like this"

Castiel and Sam watched as he went into his bag pulling out a salad, a bottle of Sam's favourite beer, and a piece of cake.

"Here you go" Gabriel said handing them over. "Oh and I'm very much in love with your too tall ass"

Sam flushed pink staring down at his favourite foods and leaned over pulling him into a hard kiss. Castiel watched the exchange with a hard swallow when they pulled away with smiles on their faces.

"I love you too" Sam murmured sitting back down and looking slightly dazed. Gabriel beamed gesturing a hand at him and back at Castiel who looked down at his coffee.

"It's simple as that"

"Are you insane?" Castiel said looking between them. "You are in a relationship with each other, Gabriel, I have no idea how Dean truly feels about me. I don't want to be jumping in head first only to land on the cement"

Sam grimaced weakly and Gabriel sighed tossing his head back to close his eyes.

"God, it's like a fucking soap opera!"

"Gabe"

"No, I am sick of you wallowing and pining for him because he's a dick and can't accept he is in love with you" Gabriel ranted throwing down his spoon. "You either need to tell him or move on"

"How is that advice going to help?"

"I'm being a big brother"

"No you're being a meddler! I can't move on from him unless I move away New York and live in a hole and I…I don't want to tell him and be rejected"

"You two have had sex, you kiss each other all the time, and you're scared he doesn't love you back?!"

"If it is anything it's lust!" Castiel hissed looking between Sam and Gabriel who looked very uncomfortable. "It's sex, he wants me for my body"

"Cas, you can't believe that" Sam said tilting his head at him.

"Well I do" he said straightening. "I asked him if he wants to date, ever, and he said he wanted sex. He doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want me, and I don't think…"

"What?" Sam murmured softly.

"I don't think I want to do it anymore…it's like clinging to false hope" he murmured softly stroking a finger around the rim of his cup.

"Maybe it's for the best" Gabriel replied curtly.

"Gabriel!"

"What? No, I'm serious, Sam, because after seven years…that little hope is slipping deeper and deeper into the ocean!" he said with a salute. "Clearly the whole making him jealous, moving out, and all that jazz isn't working so fuck it, fuck him, let him see what he's missing when you're dating blokes that aren't him"

Castiel glanced over to Gabriel who looked back with wide honest eyes. "You're right"

"See" Gabriel said gesturing at Sam. "Now eat your fucking salad"

"Douche"

"Love you" Gabriel crooned chucking a piece of bread at him.

Castiel shook his head at the pair of them and drifted off thinking what it would be like to date other people and would it really work? He'd have to go on dates, phone them, text them and even have sex with them. He hadn't been near anyone in the past four months but he had certainly had offers when guys slipped their numbers over to him in bars and clubs and he crumbled them up feeling Dean's eyes on him.

Maybe it was a good idea? Dating was always difficult and full of surprises but it couldn't be that bad. Castiel stayed in his seat silently listening to Sam and Gabriel's talking animatedly and full of affection. He wanted that too.

"So are you going to do it?"

"I don't know yet" Castiel murmured with a sigh. "I wouldn't even know where to look!"

"It's called going out to bars, clubs, and anywhere really!

"It's not that simple"

"It is you're making it hard! I say we go out tonight, just you and me, we leave Sam with Dean and we find you someone" Gabriel said with a devilish smile. "Capiche?"

"Yes" he said with a sigh looking at Sam who wasn't looking at him but shooting a disapproving look at Gabriel. Castiel excused himself leaving Sam to slap a hand on the table startling Gabriel.

"Are you insane? Setting, Cas, up on dates? Dean needs more time to adjust to his own feelings" he hissed at him. "How do you think, Dean, is going to feel when he realises that he's dating?"

"Oh I don't know…man the fuck up and accept it?"

"It took you long enough"

"This isn't about us!" he cried and shrank back at the accusing eyes looking at him. "Sorry"

"I know it's not about us because we're okay and we're together but…Dean is not ready. I know my brother better than you and I know he needs more time"

"Well you know what, Sam, Cas is my brother and I'm doing what's best for him" he said brushing his hands and the pair of them looked up when Castiel slid into the seat giving them both a wary look.

"Did I interrupt something?"

"Nope" Gabriel said brightly. "So are you up for it?"

"I guess"

"Good" Gabriel said meeting Sam's eyes who glared right back for a moment before dropping them and slowly giving up.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"What?" Dean said in disbelief drying his hands and staring at Sam who sheepishly sat down and back at Gabriel and Castiel.

"Like I just said, Castiel and I are going to bond and find him a date" Gabriel said proudly shoving his hands into his jacket pocket. "Objections, Dean?"

"You're dating" Dean said setting fierce eyes on Castiel who squirmed underneath his gaze and shrugged his shoulders dramatically.

"It's a test, I guess, I told you before"

"I didn't think so soon!"

"Oh calm down, Deano, it's dating, not suicide, now come on Cassy" he said pulling at his sleeve. Castiel nodded heading to the door and ignoring Dean's glare directed only at him.

"Love you and I may come home drunk" Gabriel murmured pulling Sam's head back and kissing him soundly on the lips.

"Not too drunk and come back here safe…and I love you too" he whispered up at him. Gabriel grinned pretending to bite him on the nose before he saluted at Dean with a knowing look and dragged Castiel out. The apartment door slammed shut into the silence of the apartment and Dean stared at the brown door not moving or looking away.

"Dean, are you okay?"

"Yeah…do you want a beer?" he said distractedly moving into the kitchen.

"Sure" he called to him, his mouth twisting in a grimace. "Are you okay though?"

"I'm fine, Sam, quit asking" he snapped handing him a beer and sitting down in the single chair switching on the television.

"You don't look fine"

"Well I'm tired! I had a rough shift and now Cas is dating! It's all fine and dandy" he said cracking the lid off and chucking it across the room.

"Is it really so bad?"

Dean snorted wiping his mouth. "Cas can do whatever he wants, he can fuck whoever he wants, and I don't care"

"I think you do…"

"Cut it out, Sam! It's fine!" he shouted kicking the table and slamming the bedroom door hard. Sam sighed snatching the remote control and prepared himself. This was going to be a long evening.

Gabriel acted like an eager dog as he scanned the area of the one of many clubs they had hit that night.

"Anyone taking your fancy"

"No, no one, not a single person"

"You have two numbers though"

"One of them is married, Gabriel, and the other had a hygiene problem"

"Cute though" Gabriel said with a shrug.

"I want to go home" he said rubbing the space between his eyebrows.

"Fine! Let me take a piss" he said jumping up and heading to the toilets. Castiel sighed rolled the beer bottle in his hands and jumped when a figure plopped down on the chair opposite him.

"Jake" the guy said holding out his hand to Castiel who took him with a raised eyebrow. Castiel took in his appearance, curly blonde brown hair, big brown eyes, and a hint of a beard on his face. He was fairly attractive to him but the suddenness of him was startling.

"I noticed you the moment you came but you were with someone but then I saw the slight family resemblance"

"We look nothing like each other but yes…he's my oldest brother"

"Good, so who are you?"

"Castiel"

"Nice name"

"Thank you" Castiel said in surprise.

"So am I right to sit here or is a girl or boy about to come over?"

"No boyfriend"

"Good" Jake said with a smile. "So…"

On cue Gabriel darted over and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "I have a message from Sam which simply says…save me so I need to save my love"

"Oh you're leaving" Jake said with sadness in his tone.

"No, no, um, I'll stay here"

Gabriel glanced at Jake and smirked with a nod before pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek.

"Gabe!" Castiel said shoving him away in disgust.

"Be good" he cried with a wink walking out.

"He's…interesting" Jake said amused sipping from his drink. "So tell me about yourself, Castiel?"

"I'm nothing interesting"

"Well I'm sure that's a lie"

"I'm really not, I'm an art teacher"

"I'm an accountant"

"Oh" Castiel said with a small smile. "Do you like your job?"

"When the coffee is good and I don't have assholes breathing down my neck" he said with a soft laugh. "So you're an artist?"

"Yes"

Jake nodded seeming pleased at the answer. "You look artistic"

"How does someone look artistic?"

"I don't know…you just do" he said with a bark of laughter. "You're also kind of gorgeous"

Castiel blinked feeling the heat flood in his cheeks. "Thank you, I'd say you too…do I give off a gay vibe or something?"

"No but ever since you've got here and you've checked out no woman passing…I had my doubts, I took a chance, and here I am" he said with wide arms and a cheeky smile. "I like you already and I'd like to get to know you better….say with dinner?"

"Okay" Castiel whispered surprised when he slipped over a card. "Your own card"

"Accountancy has it's perks and can I have yours? Just in case" he said with a grin. Castiel nodded bringing out his phone and sending a message to the number.

"I better go, work and I need food" Jake said standing up. "But I'll call you"

"Okay"

Jake winked leaving him to it and Castiel flushed despite the uneasy feeling twisting in his gut that Dean was going to hate this. He ended up trudging back to his own home and automatically kicking off his shoes, jeans, and jacket before collapsing in the bed. He was snuggling under the covers when his phone vibrated next to him and he sighed answering it.

"Are you home?" Dean said instantly.

"Yes, Dean"

"Alone?"

"No, I have him in between my thighs" he said with an evil smirk listening to the hitch of breath and silence before feeling bad. "Yes, I'm all alone with no one by my side"

"Oh" Dean whispered down the phone.

"But I do have a date"

"Oh"

"Does that bother you?"

"No"

"It wouldn't do would it?" Castiel said with a soft sigh. "I'm going to bed, I'll talk to you soon"

Dean looked at the phone when it clicked signalling the end of the call. The bitter taste left in his mouth was there for a reason when he thought of Castiel kissed and fucking this strange guy with an unknown face. He didn't like it one little bit and he refused to even give it a chance. No way in hell.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

The date was arranged two days later in a fancy restaurant to Castiel's surprise as he dressed smartly for the occasion and felt the flood of butterflies. He walked in giving in Jake's full name and was led to a table. Jake immediately jumped up with a smile pressing a warm kiss to his cheek as they sat down together.

"You look good, really good"

"Thank you and yourself"

The waiter walked over with a fake smile handing over menus. "May I get you gentlemen a drink?"

"I'll have a beer"

"Two beers please" Jake said with a wave of his hand.

Castiel blinked startled at the rude behaviour but let it slide and opened his menu.

"My good friend recommended this place to me…but I have to say this menu is not appealing" he said loudly with a scowl. Castiel bit his lip noticing people looking over and couldn't control the embarrassed flush on his neck.

"I don't know, it seems good to me and I think I might have the steak" he said closing it.

"Hmm, good idea, I think I might follow your guide" Jake said closing it with a snap and clicking his fingers. Castiel watched in horror when the waiter from before walked over with a sour expression which melted into a fake smile.

"What would you like to order?"

"I'd like a steak, medium rare, no salad please" Castiel said with a small smile.

"Steak, well done, and take these" Jake said in a non-arguing tone handing it over to the waiter who nodded scribbling furiously on the pad and when retreating shot an apologetic look at Castiel.

"This table" Jake murmured running a finger around the edge and shuddering. "Disgusting"

"Um, so…tell me more about yourself" Castiel said quickly wanting to curl away and hide.

"I'm an accountant as you know, I live in a little house with my two dogs Harold and Betty which my ex left me with" Jake said bitterly before relaxing and smiling at him. "I'm little outgoing, I love getting out a lot after work, and I just want to have fun"

"Right" Castiel said looking up when the waiter came over with their drinks and he sipped it quickly.

"Would you look at this glass" Jake said holding up and looking at the waiter. "It's grimy…get me a new one"

"I'm sorry sir, one moment"

"My friend was clearly wrong"

Castiel hummed with narrowed eyes wanting to run right now. "Um, if you'll excuse me, I need the bathroom"

Jake nodded with a smile while Castiel hurried out of his seat and pulled out his phone calling Dean.

"You need to help me"

"Cas" Dean said pleasantly. "How's the date?"

"It's a disaster! He's a complete snob about everything; he clearly had relationships issues with his last partner and has two dogs called Harold and Betty. Please save me" he pleaded pacing up and down.

"How?!" Dean said with a delighted chuckle.

"Call an intervention! Call me in five minutes with a pretend emergency"

"Fine"

"Did I mention how much I owe you?"

Dean laughed down the phone and he sighed in relief hanging up and walking back out to sit down in front of Jake complaining about the stained cutlery. Castiel nodded along praying Dean would call and jumped when the phone vibrated ten minutes later.

"Oh I need to answer this" Castiel said answering.

"Hey, intervention, Elmo is…flying, yeah, he's up in the air….just floating around"

"Oh" Castiel said closing his eyes in frustration. "Are you okay?!"

"No, no, I need you to come get him down"

"I'll be right there, keep calm"

"My poor Elmo" Dean said pretending to fake sob down the phone.

Castiel hung up staring at Jake who looked back confused. "I-I have to go, that was my best friend…he's in trouble"

"Oh really…can it not wait?"

"No, no, it can't" he said handing the money for his meal and drink over to him. "I'll call you"

"Oh…okay" Jake said with narrowed eyes.

Castiel hurried out and walked out with a shudder of relief. He jumped in a taxi heading to Dean's and walked into see Dean holding Elmo high in the air.

"Can you get him down?" Dean teased with a wide grin.

"You're ridiculous" Castiel said reaching up and taking a purring Elmo into his arms. "But thank you"

"Was he really that bad?"

"He seemed really nice in the bar and then in the restaurant he was just…insane. I walked out and he was complaining about the cutlery. I don't understand humanity anymore…they're strange"

Dean laughed dropping down next to him. "Did you and he…?"

"No, no" he said shaking his head as he stroked Elmo who rolled onto his back very happily.

"So how's dating working out for you?"

"You're not funny in the slightest" Castiel said looking over to him. "Can I stay here tonight?"

"Sure" Dean said with a nod secretly pleased as anything.

Castiel sighed kissing the top of Elmo's head and moving to Dean's bedroom ready for bed. Dean turned off the television watching him as he locked up and joined him in the bedroom.

"I just need to sleep forever" Castiel said sliding under the covers.

"It's a bad date, chill out"

"Leave me alone to wallow" Castiel said looking over his shoulder when Dean joined him, lips twitching into a smile, and reaching up to stroke a hand into the back of his hair.

"Sleep idiot"

Castiel burrowed into the pillow wanting to purr himself when Dean continued to stroke a hand down his hair till he slipped off to sleep. Dean watched him for a long time and shifted over inhaling the smell of his shampoo and to his relief he smelled apples.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**July 2011 **_

Castiel stared up at the shopping mall in relief needing a drink of water, lots of water, and something to eat. It was a boiling summer and school was now out so he had a long break marking work and preparing for September.

It had been an odd couple of months since April and the dating had only got worse and worse. Some of the men were clearly from the odd pile with some addicted to watching trains, one who wanted just sex and reminded him too much of Dean, a man with a foot fetish, and one so dull that Castiel swore to Dean he nearly fell asleep listening him talk about the differences of past. It was annoying for Castiel to listen down the phone while Gabriel howled with laughter down the phone, Sam spoke concerned and annoyed in the background and Dean was almost always gleeful afterwards.

He scooped up a basket going down the aisles collecting bits and pieces feeling it get heavier when he was stood at the fridges looking at the water when a cold shiver went down his spine and a familiar voice nearby.

"Castiel"

Castiel turned startled dropping the water so it fell with a thud on the floor rolling away and he sucked in a sharp breath shaking his head.

"M-Marcus"

"Well, well, it's been years" Marcus said softly looking him up and down. "You look good"

Castiel dropped the basket backing away from him and shook his head. "You-you should be in prison"

"I was released nearly two years ago…I've been staying with friends in Canada" Marcus said stepping closer to him.

"No" Castiel whispered shaking his head and turning tail to run hearing his name being called again and again as he ran out of the supermarket and all the way the safest place.

Dean was scowling at Elmo who was wrapping his little body around his ankles meowing for the tuna he was making when the knocking on the door startled him.

"Here, demon" he murmured dropping it on the floor. He opened the door and grunted when Castiel all but tackled him shaking and teary eyed.

"Jesus, Cas, we seen each other yesterday" he said managing to shut the door and pulled back to stare at him. "What's going on?"

"I-I…"

"Cas, what's wrong, you're scaring me"

"I saw Marcus" he whispered biting into his lip.

"What?!"

"Supermarket" he whispered clinging to him. Dean blinked rubbing his back and pulled back wrapping his hands around the back of his neck.

"What did he do? Did he say anything? Did he follow you?" Dean said urgently shaking him a little.

"N-No, he just appeared out of nowhere and said I looked good…he's been released Dean, he was in Canada for two years! He's back here, he found me, he-he was the reason I had nightmares, the drugs….everything" he said clinging to him tighter.

"Ssh, Cas, it's okay" he said leading him to the couch and cupping his cheeks. "Look at me, look at me! He can't hurt you, okay, he can't. He won't go near you ever again and he'll never hurt you because I swear if he goes near you again I will kill him. You're safe"

"Why has he come back here?"

"I don't know, I don't know, Cas, but it could just be a visit" he said wiping the falling tears from under his eyes and pulling him close. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes" Castiel murmured into his shoulder. "I trust you"

They stayed like that for a long while with Dean holding Castiel in silence till he calmed fully down and Elmo joined the cuddle. Castiel stroked a hand though his fur while Dean petted him.

That night wasn't easy as Dean wrapped an arm around his waist bringing his back to his chest and leaned his cheek against his neck feeling the stiff tension.

"Are you okay?" Dean whispered when Castiel slid his hand into Dean's so they were holding hands.

"No" Castiel murmured closing his eyes when Dean breathed warm puffs of air against his neck and ear. "I feel like I can't catch a break anymore"

"I know the feeling"

Castiel turned in his arms. "I want to move back to Kansas"

"What?"

"Dean, everything was fine before we moved here! Everything was fine. But since we've moved here, I have been abused, nearly raped, I have resorted to drugs to escape, I have been ran over by a car and died, and now he's back. He's in Oklahoma and I can't do it, Dean, but I need you to come with me" he whispered urgently looking into his eyes.

"Cas, our lives were here and we moved from there for a reason" he whispered.

"I know, I know, but even if you don't come with me…I'm going. I can't be here, not anymore"

"What about your job?"

"I'm quitting"

Dean eyed him carefully and nodded. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes" Castiel said slowly. "I miss my family, my mom, my brother and my little sister"

"So even if I said no…you'd still leave?"

"Yes"

Dean nodded instead of replying and looked over to Castiel who stroked a hand down the side of his face before wriggling back around to sleep. He stared up at the ceiling not knowing truly how to feel about this but he knew he had to follow. He would never leave him.

**A/N: Aw guys! You're like a whimpering pair of puppies wanting treats I can't yet give! 2014 is when it comes about. **


	28. Chapter 28

_**September 2011 **_

Dean sealed the final box with tape and looked around the near empty and boxed apartment for the move back to Kansas. Elmo meowed unhappily perched on the couch and glaring up at Dean who shrugged at him.

"Do you really think I'm going to leave him? If he goes, I go" Dean said stroking him before wandering into the kitchen to pour a glass of water. Castiel stuck to his plan of moving back to Kansas and the next day immediately made plans of quitting his job, his lease on the apartment, and finding an apartment in Kansas.

"I refuse to live here while Marcus is around" Castiel said in a fierce voice when Dean yet again questioned the rash action. "I've decided so now it's your turn"

Dean already knew what he was doing when he handed in his two week notice at the hospital to the shock of the others as he shrugged and said it was time to go.

"Dean, look at this one" Castiel said as he pulled the laptop towards Dean who eyed the apartment on sale and shrugged.

"Wherever you think is best" he said squeezing his shoulder once.

It was a slow process as they packed their lives away into boxes, carrier bags, and said goodbye to friends they had made in the process. Gabriel, Sam, and Karen were overjoyed at the fact they were returning back to Kansas. The moving was easy enough but finding the new job was beginning to get taxing for Dean who sighed searching through job sites to find the perfect one and found…nothing.

"You'll find one" Castiel whispered into his ear one day when he complained grumpily to Castiel who had already managed to score an interview at a school on the edge of the main town.

"Well you're paying for the rent" Dean said slamming the laptop down and storming into the bedroom. Castiel watched with worried eyes but decided not to push it as he helped him pack his own belongings.

So here they now were on their last day in Oklahoma and Dean stared around the flat. He had to sell most of the stuff but his clothes and other belongings were in boxes and carrier bags which he was slowly sorting into the car along with Castiel's belongings and it was starting to get cramped. Dean looked up when the door went and opened it to see a tired looking Castiel staring back at him fresh faced and raring to go.

"You look awful, are you feeling okay?"

"Bad night sleep, are you done?"

"Yes it's all in the car, do you need help?"

"Oh yeah…you can get Elmo in his carrier" Dean said with a grin pointing at Elmo staring back at them. Castiel winced walking over and dropping it on the floor before reaching for Elmo who knew exactly what was going on and yowled jumping off and darting into the bedroom.

Dean laughed loud and hard at Castiel's attempts to get a very pissed off Elmo into his carrier but soon stopped when an annoyed Castiel shoved him hard in the chest.

"Instead of laughing, Dean, help me!" he snapped angrily.

Dean sobered instantly as they worked in a team and fifteen minutes later Elmo was in the carrier crying and meowing loudly.

"Oh it breaks my heart" Castiel said peering in through the bars.

"He's fine" Dean said as he picked up bags walking out of the apartment door. "Come on; let's get this show on the open road"

"What about the keys?"

"Jerry told me to leave them on the table" Dean said with a shrug.

"Are you not going to say goodbye?"

"To what"

"The apartment"

"Um, no, because it's not an apartment it's not going to answer me back is it?" Dean said with a snort indicating his head as he walked down the stairs. Castiel rolled his eyes picking up the carrier and the left over box before glancing around the apartment.

"Bye" he whispered before slamming the door and hurrying down the steps to join Dean outside shoving the stuff in with a grunt.

"We have like two homes in here, Cas"

"More fun that way" he said slipping into the passenger seat with the carrier in his lap and soothing Elmo's cries from inside it. "He sounds like a baby"

"He's fine" Dean said again sliding in and starting her up. "Goodbye Oklahoma"

"Are you 100% sure, Dean?"

"Cas…if I wasn't sure I wouldn't be sitting here" Dean said with a sigh pulling away

Castiel nodded with a small smile looking out of the window relaxing into his seat as he said a mental goodbye to Oklahoma, his troubles, his past relationships, and most importantly all together his past.

It took five hours of nonstop driving and only one stop for food and gas to reach Kansas and find the way to their new apartment. The rent was average, the bills ok-ish, and the apartment was in good standing for what they wanted and they were twenty minutes away from the rest of the family.

Castiel stared up at the building when they arrived gnawing on his bottom lip. Dean noticed slipping over and wrapping his arms around his shoulders as they both looked up at it.

"So…any regrets about living with me again?"

"No…I'm sure we'll manage" he said glancing over his shoulder at him away. "We managed before and it's…furnished so we don't have to worry"

"Yeah but the rent is higher"

"It saves buying a load of furniture!" he said as they started to haul it up when they heard a whistle and turned to see Sam and Gabriel coming up in his car.

"What are you doing here?" Dean called as they drove up and parked stepping out.

"We're here to help!" Gabriel cried cheerfully taking Castiel's box out of his arms. Dean rolled his eyes at their too happy expressions as they walked through the main doors to number 76. It was a reasonable size and adequate to say the least as they walked in carrying boxes and bags upstairs till they were all out of breath and Elmo was currently sniffing the place out.

"Okay, I don't want to alarm you but even though there is a couch and your other shit…there's no bed in that room" Sam said pointing to the one Dean picked out as his.

"What?!" he snapped walking over and peering into see nothing at all apart from a carpet. "Well fuck! What about you, Cas?"

"I have a mattress of the floor…the landlord did say it wasn't all complete" Castiel hollered back.

"Looks like you two are spooning" Gabriel said pointing them with a gleeful look in his eyes. "This place isn't that bad though"

"It'll do" Dean said with a scowl. "We don't even have a television"

"That can be bought easy" Sam said slapping a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure you two will be fine"

Castiel nodded with a bright smile scooping up Elmo and peering out of the window. Sam and Gabriel soon left them to it as they left with words off "movies and date night". They sat down together at the same time looking around the apartment.

"It doesn't feel like…home" Dean said with a gesture and a sigh.

"We've been here for fifteen minutes, Dean, it's not just going to happen" Castiel said softly rolling his eyes and blinked looking down at his ringing phone before answering. "Balthazar…yes, hello, I'm sorry…listen to me…"

Dean watched him softly argue on the phone to Balthazar and sighed glancing over to a disgruntled Elmo stretched out next to him.

"Demon" he murmured softly tickling the top of his head as he looked around. He waited patiently for Castiel to come back out of the room looking a little peeved and sad.

"Balthazar pissed?"

"Just a little bit but I explained the journey isn't like that long and he's being silly" he said with a heavy sigh sitting back down next to him. "So…what do we do now?"

"I think we should get this place looking a little homier so come on" Dean said slapping his thigh and lingering there for a moment. "Time to unpack"

Castiel glared while Dean grinned flinging a bag at him. "Come on lazybones"

Unpacking was simple enough as they sorted and rearranged everything till in Castiel's eyes not Dean's, it was perfect. The trip to town to pick up what else they needed was more tiresome but eventually things were ordered for delivery and other things carried to the car. Castiel flicked his eyes over to Dean who looked tired next to him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine"

"Why does it feel like you're lying to me?"

"Why would I lie?"

"Because you keep secretly complaining to Elmo, sighing louder than usual, and you look unhappy with the fact we're now back here when I told you over and over again to make sure you were certain"

Dean scoffed shaking his head. "Did you really think I'd stay behind?"

"You're an adult; you can do what you want"

"Cas, I wanted to do this, I wasn't about to linger behind" he said with a huff.

Castiel sighed finally letting it go and remaining silent as they pulled up outside the apartments bringing out all the bags and hauling them up the stairs. Eventually it sorted itself out and that night they collapsed in the bed in exhaustion after completing unpacking, rearranging and starting to feel more at home. That night, Dean instinctively moved towards him curling around his frame so they were big spoon and little spoon curled up with their new duvet and cover over them. They always did sleep better together.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**November 2011**_

Dean stared at the church as the snow flittered and slowly fell around him. He hadn't been here in months, years, and even though he had moved back to Kansas two months ago he hadn't returned…he couldn't. The pair of them soon settled into a routine searching for jobs and soon securing them and settling. Castiel was much happier being able to go see his mom and the rest of the crew whenever he could, meeting up with old friends, and generally accepting Kansas back. Dean however struggled and still found himself missing Oklahoma and the people he knew back there. His eyes looked over to the graveyard and he walked through the snow and stared at the gravestone still gleaming white and the dead flowers that had been left for many months.

"Hey" he whispered as he crouched down ripping them up and walking over to the bin to toss them in before walking back. "So…it's been a while…I don't even know what to say but I have had the weirdest set of years"

Dean blinked up at the falling snow and sighed watching his breath trail into the air. "Now I'm back…I don't know how I really feel about it. I liked Oklahoma, I liked the people there…like Martha. I'll probably never see her grave again…Cas won't want to go back not with Marcus trailing around like a cockroach"

The graveyard was silent around him and he shoved his freezing hands into his jacket with a sigh. "I miss you both a lot"

Dean stayed there for a while tracing his fingers over the letters. He often cursed himself for not thinking more of them but day by day you soon start to forget. It can't be helped. The only times he really remembers is when he catches a whiff of the perfume or aftershave they used to use, an old song they used to love, or a piece of food that was cooked a certain way before everything was ripped apart in shreds. Dean sighed shifting up and moving away to walk down and to Karen's.

"Dean!" she said in a soft voice when he knocked and walked in brushing his feet. "Cas not here?"

"No, we haven't seen him"

"We?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Anna and I but the moody cow is up in her room pretending to be sick and mourning the loss of boyfriend number three in the past two months" she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh" he murmured amused walking into the kitchen with her. "Where are Sam and Gabriel?"

"Work, why are you not in work?"

"Day off…not that many shifts" he said with a sigh. " Why are you not in work?"

"I quit" she said looking over to him. "Manager was a bastard"

"Shit" he murmured stroking a hand down the side. "I went to the grave…Sam's not been in a while"

"No, I-I don't think he likes bringing up the past and revisiting…he goes on the anniversary but he doesn't linger long" she said stirring the cups. "It's not nice to linger in the past"

"Yeah…yeah, no I get that more than anything"

"How are you and Castiel?"

"Um, we're fine" he said with a casual shrug. "Why?"

"Just mildly curious" Karen said with an innocent smile but it didn't reach her eyes. Their conversation drifted away from the topic of him and Castiel which he was glad about. Their living together no longer felt strained between them but the tension was still there between them. In the last two months of living there Dean had still not got his own bed and just stayed with Castiel in his because it was easier and strangely more comforting. It was like being teenagers again.

Dean said his goodbyes and walked the twenty minutes to the apartment needing food and beer straight away. He walked in to see Castiel tucked in the corner of the couch, his hair wet and wearing one of Dean's t-shirt and _nothing else. _Dean swallowed hard eyeing him carefully and circled the couch to stare at him and couldn't or even wanted to stop the flood of heat in his groin at the sight.

"That's…that's mine"

"It's laundry day" Castiel said with a small smile looking up at him. "Is it bothering you?"

"No" Dean said quickly trailing his eyes over him and coughed looking away. "I-I need food"

Castiel hummed watching him walk away with a small smirk at the blush covering Dean's neck and cheeks knowing what he must look like. Dean didn't dare look back and stare at his practically naked best friend lounging on the couch after a shower wearing one of his shirts and nothing else. He peered in the fridge and scowled at the nothingness that greeted him.

"Um, Mr No-Pants, it's your turn to do the grocery shopping"

"Yes, Dean, tomorrow"

"There's no food"

"We have pasta in the cupboard"

"I don't want pasta, I want food" he growled slamming it closed. Castiel smirked eyeing him as he walked over and dropped down on the other end of the couch. Dean swallowed staring hard at the television.

"Why, Dean, you look flushed"

"I walked all the way over here from Karen's who by the way says hello"

"Hello mom" he said softly shifting over and shaking his head. "It's not that…you won't even look at me, Dean"

"Yeah, Cas, you're sitting…naked on the couch"

"I'm not naked; I'm wearing your shirt"

"So you're washing all _your_ shirts?"

"No, just the main ones, and I got a shower…I climbed out…I went for a look…and I found this" he whispered plucking at the soft shirt too big on him. "It's comfortable and best of all it smells exactly like you"

Castiel watched the shaky exhale and hitch of breath from Dean. The tension stretched thick between them and Dean couldn't think straight as he glanced over to him, his eyes wide and open as they stared back and Dean could see the challenge dwelling deep in them. So that would be the reason Dean would tell when he shoved Castiel down into the couch who let out a grunt of surprise before moaning in submission when Dean kissed his neck and bit into the skin. It was a flurry of clothes and harsh panting of breath when Dean settled into his spread thighs needing to be inside of him.

"Fuck, Dean" Castiel said with a groan arching into him when Dean pulled away.

"Lube"

"Bedroom"

Dean darted off him as he collected the bottle of blue lube from the bedroom and was back in a matter of seconds slicking his fingers and thrusting one deep inside of his hole. Castiel cried out clutching his shoulders breathing heavily while Dean fingered and scissored him wide open.

"Dean, please" he chanted hands clutching him tighter while Dean worked in a second and third finger inside of him closing his eyes at the familiar tightness and hot heat. It was a relief for the both of them when Dean removed them quickly and with a quick slide and thrust was inside of him. Castiel gasped freezing under of him while Dean waited biting his lip till he nodded underneath him, hands grasping at his lower back and ankles pressing into his ass. Dean didn't hold back as he thrusted hard into him.

They were already so attuned to each other's bodies that Dean knew every sensitive spot, every area that made Castiel twitch and moan begging for more, harder, and for him to move faster. Dean loved that he could make him slowly come apart underneath his hands and lips. He ducked his head kissing behind his ear and listening to him pant and moan his name against his ear.

"Dean, fuck, please" he whispered pushing his hand down and wrapping a hand around his own cock sliding down the length quickly, his balls tightening in anticipation, and his thighs trembling around Dean as he ploughed into him harder every time. It took a few strokes before he was clamping down on Dean's cock inside of him and shooting across his hand and Dean's stomach. Dean hissed at the tightness before gripping the cushion underneath Castiel's head thrusting once, twice, and a third before coming deep inside of him with a loud cry.

Dean moaned pulling out and slumping down feeling the sweat coat his back, the back of his thighs and under his chin. Castiel hummed trailing his fingers through the drying come on his stomach and looked over to Dean staring at him with narrowed eyes.

"What-what the hell was that?"

"Sex, Dean, or if you wish, anal intercourse"

"I know what it was jackass! I mean, why did it happen?"

"You initiated it"

"What? Cas, you do realise what you look like right now?" Dean said aghast watching Castiel pick up Dean's shirt and pull back it on.

"I have an idea" he murmured raising an eyebrow to look at him.

"You're a fucking tease" Dean hissed over to him and didn't think twice as he grabbed his hand, turned off the television and dragged him into the bedroom. Castiel went willingly and grunted when Dean tossed him on the bed crawling over him.

"Was this a plan?"

"No"

"You're a terrible liar, Castiel" he murmured ducking his head down to kiss his throat and nip the skin hard. Castiel moaned hands threading into his hair and pulled hard lifting his head up.

"I'm not lying"

"Whatever" Dean muttered gripping his hands and pinning them above his head. "Fuck, Cas, you have no idea how good you look wearing my stuff"

"If this is how you react I should do it more often" he murmured arching his neck to give Dean more access as he sucked the skin till it was red. Dean smiled against his skin when he moaned wriggling underneath him.

"Are you feeling a little sensitive?" Dean murmured staring into his eyes as he wrapped a hand around his half hard cock rubbing it and smiling when Castiel whined slapping his hands away.

"Stop it" Castiel murmured closing his eyes when Dean's hands rubbed down his side.

"Come on…tell me why after _everything _you're just willing to have sex with me"

"Am I not allowed to feel horny?"

"Yeah but there's six billion people in the world and you chose me?"

"Yes" Castiel said with a nod. "I didn't hear you objecting"

"Why would I?" Dean whispered settling in between his thighs and rubbing against him slowly. "But still…friends shouldn't be having sex…your words, Casanova"

Castiel shrugged his shoulders once gripping Dean's shoulders as he flipped them over straddling his waist. Dean groaned staring up and trailing his hands down the soft t-shirt.

"K-Keep this on" he whispered as Castiel kissed down his chest.

"Spread your legs" Castiel murmured against his midriff before paying attention to Dean's sudden hard cock. He pressed his lips to the head startling Dean enough for him to hiss and nod his head encouragingly.

"Not…not eighteen anymore" he murmured still feeling a little sensitive but wasn't stopping him as he writhed and gripped his hair. Castiel hummed taking him into his mouth taking his time as he sucked and licked him till Dean was a moaning mess and coming down his throat with a panting cry. Castiel sucked him till every drop was gone and slowly took his mouth away to crawl up to him and tilted his chin up to look at him.

"You moan like a whore"

"Fuck, Cas" Dean whispered up at him.

"It's a nice sound" he said softly resting on his chest. Dean narrowed his eyes trailing a hand into his hair fluffing it up and pulling it back with a chuckle. Castiel loved his little smile and hummed kissing the corner of his mouth as they rolled together in the bed lazily. The sex didn't stop between them till they were both exhausted, spent, and hungry.

"I fancy takeout" Dean murmured looking over to Castiel lying on his front dozing.

"Burger" Castiel murmured reaching out and patting Dean's thigh stroking it for a moment before pulling away.

"I'll be right back" Dean said wincing a little at the soreness in his legs and ass but he was used to it by now as he snatched the takeaway menu ordering some food for the pair of them before returning.

"Cas, it hurts to walk" Dean whined flopping down next to him.

"Job very well done" Castiel murmured with a smug smirk.

"Ass" Dean muttered staring over at him, his eyes now narrowed in confusion and awe. He honestly didn't know how this had happened but he wasn't complaining. It just confused and even scared him a little. What had happened for him to change his mind?

Their food arrived which they happily ate in bed not caring about greasy fingers and crumbs. Dean watched Castiel eat slowly tearing chunks and tossing them in his mouth.

"Cas?"

"Yes, Dean"

"Are you okay? I mean, are you feeling alright?"

"Yes…why?"

"Just curious" Dean said with a small smile which faded when Castiel looked away. It was probably best to ignore it but Dean didn't think he wanted to.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

"Dean!"

Dean jumped out of his thoughts turning to see Sam staring at him expectantly.

"Sorry…just a lot on my mind" he murmured running a hand through his hair.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Only if you promise not to freak out like a big girl" Dean said pointing a finger at him.

"I promise"

Dean straightened exhaling and gestured a hand at him. "Cas and I are having sex"

"Okay" Sam said with a wince.

"Like…all over again and it started a few days ago and now it's all the time but there's one thing missing" Dean said slowly.

"What?"

"We don't kiss…at least not on the mouth…he won't kiss me and I won't kiss him"

"Why not"

Dean swallowed hard scratching his neck gently. "He said to me once that one day I'll kiss him and he'll know I mean it so I guess that's why but still…having sex with someone who doesn't kiss you"

"I wouldn't know but I know it's not healthy, Dean, but all I know is that you and Cas are not healthy together. Gabriel won't admit to it because he wants his brother happy and content but I see something different"

"What should I do then?"

"I don't know" Sam admitted honestly with a shrug. "I think it's too late to distance yourself but maybe it would help…not him, you"

"Just leave"

"Yeah, take a break, decide what you want"

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head. "I couldn't just leave, it's Christmas next months…I have work"

"Then you need to snap out of the sex haze you're in and decide what the hell you want, Dean, because this can't go on!" Sam said almost in a pleading voice. "What are you so scared of? Falling in love with him…or are you already there?"

"What?"

"Don't act dumb, it's really not you, Dean, you need to find out what you really want because we have all had to sit back and watch this fall apart"

"I…"

"Let me finish!" Sam shouted at him startling Dean to close his mouth.

"This has been happening since you met all those years ago in a park when you were happily getting drunk. Since then we have had to watch you both collapse around each other in so many different ways. What are you so scared of? Is it the friendship you are clinging to so tight falling apart? Are you afraid to fall in love with him? Are you already in love with him and terrified of it?" Sam said with an unhappy sigh. "You know he loves you, right?"

Dean didn't reply as he stared down at his hands.

"Dean, I can't force you to do something you don't want to but I want you to be happy"

He nodded in reply looking up to meet Sam's unhappy gaze when the front door opened and Gabriel blazed in with a happy sound to see Sam. Sam immediately brightened seeing him and Dean could only watch as they shared a sweet kiss.

"Hey Deano" Gabriel hollered as he walked into the kitchen.

"I have that, Dean, what do you have?" Sam said giving him a pointed look as he walked away and went to join him. Dean didn't stick around after that deciding to walk around for a bit. He lost track of time though and looked up at the now dark sky feeling tired and wanting the bed.

The lights in the apartment were off as he walked in and narrowed his eyes wondering where Castiel could be. Dean wandered into the bedroom and stared at the bundle curled up in bed and stripped off till he was in a simple t-shirt and boxers before climbing into the bed and jolting Castiel to wake up dazed.

"Dean" he mumbled.

"Hey, sorry I woke you"

"It's fine" Castiel murmured opening tired eyes and meeting his with a small smile. Dean stroked his fingers into his hair simply staring at him until Castiel slipped off to sleep again. His fingers trailed down the stubble on his cheek and the lump in his throat rose higher choking him as he slid down watching him sleep peacefully.

If Dean was forced to be honest he didn't know what he was so scared of. In Dean's mind it was like riding a rollercoaster and you're climbing to the top, you know what's going to happen, you can feel it in your gut and at same time you're both excited but scared and the butterflies in your stomach are making you feel sick. You know in moment's time you're going to tip over the edge and you trust your life to something so huge before you come to a halt at the end to be very much alive or feeling dead. Dean didn't know if he wanted to go over the edge and take that chance of a rush just yet. He just needed time or how about 760 days?

**A/N: I think that's the number…two years and one month. *shrugs* It's getting closer and closer though. Thank you for sticking with the story. **

**Oh, I seen a comment the other day that someone didn't know if I was a boy or a girl. To clarify, I'm a nineteen year old girl from the UK. Woo. **


	29. Chapter 29

_**March 2012**_

Dean didn't know what he was expecting when Castiel dragged him out of the apartment clutching a duffle bag and told him to drive. The drive was long but he certainly wasn't expecting to drive into the middle of the countryside and lie on a blanket staring up at the stars. He glanced over to Castiel lying next to him with a peaceful look on his face as they stared up at the stars.

"Why are we here?"

"Star gazing" Castiel said with a small smile reaching up and locking one of their hands together. Dean glanced at their linked eyes with narrowed eyes but slowly let it go as he turned his attention towards the stars up ahead.

Things between them had been a little strained but nothing that neither one of them could break from. The sex had soon fizzled to whenever they could be bothered and that wasn't a lot to Dean's surprise. He liked it that way though, it was too weird for Dean to have sex with someone and not kiss them.

"Dean"

"Yeah"

"Can you imagine if we had never met?" he whispered looking over to him. "If I had never went to the party that Chuck has persistently told me I should go to because it would be fun"

"My life would be so different" Dean murmured thoughtfully. "It's strange to think about"

"Do you ever regret meeting me?"

"No" Castiel replied with a shake of his head. "Never"

"I don't regret meeting you either" he murmured shutting his eyes. "But I know my life would be different right now if I hadn't…different friends, different job, and possibly a boyfriend or even a husband"

"Would you want that?"

"What?"

"Marriage"

"Maybe" Castiel whispered with a small smile. "Tied to one person you know you're going to love for the rest of your life…to so many it's like a death trap…a lie…but I wouldn't mind waking up to the same face everyday"

Dean swallowed hard at the wistful look shining in his eyes and expression.

"Who's the face?"

Castiel was silent fingers stroking his fingers trailing across his palm thoughtfully.

"I don't know" he lied wriggling on the blanket to get into a more comfortable position. "I guess when the time is right"

"What about kids?"

"I've never held a baby…" Castiel said rolling his eyes. "I've never thought about it"

"I think you'd make a good dad" Dean teased squeezing his hand gently and smiling when Castiel looked over to him with a small smile.

"So would you"

"I don't think so" Dean said dejectedly.

"Dean, you're good at caring for people"

"Yeah and then I lose them in one way or form" he said with a sigh. "Let's not approach that subject shall we"

The silence stretched between them till Castiel caved and glanced over to him.

"You're never going to lose me, Dean" he whispered. "Not ever"

"Promise me"

"I promise"

"You're not allowed to die either" Dean said tugging at his hand and smiling faintly when he chuckled and nodded.

"Immortality…I'll find it for you then"

"Good"

They fell silent once more watching the stars till Dean yawned feeling tired, sore, and cold from lying on the ground even though it was on top of a blanket.

"Why did we come here, Cas? The real reason" he said tugging at him so he sat up and scowled at him.

"I thought it would be a change then sitting in all the time and I like stargazing" he said softly with a shrug. "You think too much, Dean"

"I do not!"

"Oh but you do!" he replied shoving his shoulder gently. "Or maybe too little…maybe overthinking would hurt you"

"Shut up" Dean muttered with hint of a scowl watching him smile lifting his knees up and hugging them. Castiel dropped his cheek to his knee watching him with a fond smile.

"Stop looking at me like that" Dean said with a sigh dropping down on the blanket.

"Like what?"

"Like I'm….I don't know, just stop" Dean said softly rolling his eyes and looking over when he collapsed onto his front staring down at the blanket.

"It's made me think…"

"What has?"

"What would our lives be like if we hadn't met each other…I'd love to know"

"You'd like not to know me?"

"Only for a day" Castiel said with a wistful look in his eyes. "I wonder if I would be an artist or would I still be a teacher…would Chuck be my best friend or someone completely different…would I be in a relationship or even married to someone out there?"

Dean huffed pouting slightly and meeting Castiel's eyes when he laughed softly.

"Don't you wonder too?"

"No because this is my life, my parents are dead, I work as a nurse, my brother is in a relationship with your brother studying to become a lawyer which he will achieve and I have an ass of a best friend who is you….I don't need to imagine another life because if I did it'd drive me bad"

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Still…it's fun to imagine"

Dean rolled his eyes keeping his mouth closed and turned when he felt fingers trail into his hair and Castiel stare down at him fondly, something deep and secret dwelling in his eyes while he overlooked him.

"What?" Dean whispered staring up at him, his stomach twisting into knots, and his heart squeezing deep inside of him.

"Nothing" he whispered pulling back and pushing up to kneel on the blanket. "I'm cold; let's go get food and drink"

"Okay" Dean said feeling confused but accepting over his strange actions as he struggled up and brushed his hands down his body. "Where did you want to go?"

"Anywhere with good food" he said chucking the blanket at Dean before walking back up to the car. Dean followed his movement with harrowed eyes not knowing whether to be concerned or not.

They eventually found their way to their favourite café ordering coffee and hot food.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay?"

"I'm fine" Castiel said blinking innocent eyes at him. "You're far too suspicious, Dean, I simply wanted to stargaze and now I want food before we go back to the apartment"

"Alright" Dean responded with a shrug pulling out his phone to see one new message from Sam.

_**Holiday away with Gabe. One week. NO PHONE CALLS. Sam.**_

Dean huffed out a laugh tossing it on the table. "Sam and Gabe are going on a holiday together"

"Yes, they're going to the Bahamas" Castiel said picking up the cell phone and staring at the message. "Gabriel is very excited; he keeps talking about marathon sex, alcohol, and seeing Sam in speedos"

Dean choked in disgust waving a hand at Castiel. "Shut up! I don't want that image in my mind!"

"I should have went there when I was travelling"

"Oh really"

"I'm never jealous of my brother but this is a first" he whispered handing him the phone. "I don't like the feeling"

Dean smiled faintly looking up as the waitress walked over with their food and drinks. They ate in comfortable silence enjoying each other's company and the warmth before going back to the apartment for sleep. This was the time that Dean liked to watch him sleep despite his mind telling him it was a little too Twilight for its liking but he ignored it because he was no creepy sparkly vampire who had been a virgin for 100 years thank you very much. It was only for a little while and it was nice to see him so peaceful and nothing worrying his thoughts, not like Dean, Dean was still in clouds of doubt and had no way out.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**May 2012 **_

"Dean" Castiel said barrelling into him as he walked through the door that morning after the night shift.

"Whoa, Cas, calm down"

"No, Dean, I can't calm down! The Avengers is out, Dean, we have to go to the cinema right now and see it!" he pleaded when he shoved him gently out of the way.

"I've just come home from work, Cas, I'm exhausted, I'm hungry and I smell like a hospital so…no, not today, maybe the weekend"

Castiel pouted at Dean when he looked over his shoulder towards him. "Please"

"Cas…"

"Dean, I never ask for anything!"

"I'm tired" he whined and held still when Castiel rushed off gripping his shoulders.

"I'll make it up to you, Dean, I swear. I'll do everything you want"

"Everything" Dean said with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes" Castiel replied in a low voice lifting his hand to trail into the back of his hair, a small smile flicked on his lips and he pressed closer to him.

"Fine" Dean said with a long sigh. "What time is the showing?"

"Whatever showing they have" he said with a beaming smile clinging to him.

"Okay…just let me get dressed and wake up" he said shoving him gently away.

"I'll make this up to you, I swear" Castiel called after him biting into his lip feeling excited as he looked down at Elmo stretched out on the couch sleeping.

Dean dressed in comfier clothes feeling achy and tired like a cold creeping up on him but he let it slip as he walked out and smiled at Castiel's excitement.

"You've been waiting for this"

"Ever since I saw Thor" he said with a hum watching him collect his keys once again. "Come on, Dean!"

"You're too demanding" Dean said with a growl shoving him forward and down the stairs. Castiel threw a smile over his shoulder at him. Dean couldn't help throwing glances over to Castiel who was excitedly holding in his enthusiasm.

"You're so weird"

"I'm not"

"Sam is going to be pissed; he's been dying to see this"

"Can we brag about it?" Castiel said with a smirk.

"Oh yeah"

Castiel's childlike excitement didn't dimmer down as they waited 30 minutes for the next screening and Dean was deciding whether or not to rush to the toilet to vomit. He didn't feel well in the slightest but he wasn't about to ruin Castiel's afternoon by declaring himself sick. When the 30 minutes passed they were sat near the front to watch it and Dean couldn't help but breathe through his mouth controlling the urge. The film was of course amazing for the pair of them until near the end were Castiel was practically having an orgasm was when Dean retched running out and into the toilets to throw up.

"Fuck" he swore spitting the last of it into the bowel before standing up on shaky legs and opening the door to see a concerned Castiel waiting for him.

"What are you doing? Go watch the end of it" Dean said rolling his eyes as he took the bottle of water from his held out hand.

"You've been feeling sick this whole time?"

"No…well, a little" he murmured with a shrug sipping the water. "Go, Cas"

"No we need to go home and I can watch the end on DVD"

"Cas…"

Castiel refused to take no for an answer as he took his hand and tugged him out as they walked to the car.

"You should have told me, Dean, instead of suffering in silence"

"You wanted to see it"

"Well I care about you a lot more than a film" Castiel said shoving him in the passenger seat and circling to drive. "You are pasty white, Dean, and you're sweating"

"Cas, it's fine, I'm fine, it's just a little bug" he whispered closing his eyes. "You missed the end"

"So? I don't care about that…"

"Liar"

"Well I do a little but that means you have to buy me the DVD when it comes out and sit with me to watch everything and the extras"

"Promise" he said with a chuckle closing his eyes and slumping in his seat. The drive home was torturous for Dean who gagged once or twice feeling the urge to throw up in his car and slapped his own cheek hard to stop it and nearly collapsed in relief when they turned into their street and Castiel helped him out.

"Bed, I'll get you some ginger ale, crackers, and our bucket for the bed" Castiel ordered unlocking the apartment door and pointing at the door.

"Cas…"

"Go…now" he said slowly with a sigh walking into the kitchen and listening to the bed springs as they collapsed in and Dean groaned. Castiel hurried in with the bucket placing it at the end and wincing when the moment he did Dean gagged vomiting into it.

"Just get it up" he whispered rubbing his back with a frown. "Have you eaten anything odd?"

"Sandwich in hospital" he said with a low moan tucking his head on his thigh. "The meat was a little weird"

"Food poisoning perhaps"

"Bug" Dean murmured wriggling closer to him for comfort.

"I'm going to get you ginger ale and crackers"

"Do we have ginger ale?" Dean murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, I bought some a while back when I was sick myself" he said stroking his hair gently and turning when Elmo's bell jingled as he strolled in. "Elmo can keep you company"

"Demon" Dean murmured when Elmo sprang up staring at him before climbing up next to him and curling up. He looked up when Castiel walked in with a pint of ginger ale and crackers thrusting them at him.

"Eat and drink"

"Christ, you're worse than a bleeding house wife" Dean cursed biting into the cracker with a wince.

"I'd make a fabulous wife"

"Thank you" Dean said softly taking a swig of the ginger ale and coughed slamming his chest at the burn it caused. It wasn't his favourite. Dean collapsed into the mattress breathing heavily and feeling exhausted as his eyelids slipped close. Castiel watched him brushing a hand over his leg before turning to leave.

"No, don't leave" Dean protested flailing a hand in his direction.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"No I want you to stand there and look pretty…get your ass back here" he snapped hitting the bed. Castiel rolled his eyes walking back over and picking up Elmo as he slid next to him so Dean could lift his head and rest it against his chest.

"So…Iron Man or Captain America?" Dean muttered into his chest.

"Iron Man"

"No way, Captain America" Dean said with a snort.

"Iron Man is better, Dean, and you know it"

"Captain America is badass!"

"He was an experiment!"

"Oh and Iron Man wasn't?" Dean said with a scoff wriggling closer to him again. "His shield is awesome"

"Iron Man has a suit that is much better and well…Robert Downey Jnr is….very handsome" he said wistfully and raising an eyebrow when Dean lifted his head to look at him.

"Oh really…"

"Yes"

Dean snorted shaking his head as he butted into him so Castiel grunted in pain for a moment before settling against him.

"Captain America is better" he mumbled.

"Whatever you say, Dean" he said stroking and trailing his fingers into his hair smelling mint and liking it a lot.

They remained like that with Dean drifting in and out of his sleep and only waking to climb over Castiel and a disgruntled Elmo to throw up noisily into the bucket.

"Shit!" Dean swore loudly panting as he finished and moaned weakly leaning back into him and scowled at Elmo who yowled blinking big blues at him.

"If you don't like it…leave" he hissed at him.

"Leave him alone sicko" Castiel murmured into his ear lying him back down and pressing warmth against his back. "He's just concerned"

"Well tell him he can have it" he muttered into the cotton of his pillow.

"You're fine, just sleep, Dean, you'll feel a lot better after sleep" he whispered into his ear and shushed him when he whimpered.

"Fuck off"

"Such a sweet talker" Castiel said with a smile against his skin kissing his temple gently. "Sleep"

"Ass" Dean murmured feeling sleep creep in and overtake him. He looked over to Elmo who meowed climbing over Dean and into his arms.

"Come on, let's get some food" he whispered casting a look over to Dean snoring into the pillow with a fond smile. "We're in for a rough evening"

Later on that evening, Castiel's fears came true when Dean became fussy, annoyed, and irritated by his constant puking and had decided to take it out on him.

"I'm sick, you ass!" Dean shouted at him when he rolled his eyes calling him "pathetic and it's just a bug".

"Stay here!" Dean demanded when he walked back out.

"I'm watching TV" he shouted back to him collapsing on the couch.

"You're pure evil! I'd say with you if you were ill and I have, you jerk!" Dean hollered before choking and vomiting once again. Castiel winced listening to the splash of vomit that was the ginger ale and crackers. He sighed jabbing the off button and walked over folding his arms over his chest to look at him.

"This whole room smells of sick and sweat, Dean, I must say you are rather unappealing at this moment in time" he said with a frown. "So forgive me for not wanting to jump in next to you"

"You said you'd make it up to me!"

"I meant in sexual favours"

Dean scoffed covering his eyes with his arm. "You get the award for world's best friend, congrats, you're an ass"

"Fine" Castiel said with narrowed eyes walking over and slipping under the cover to wrap his arms around him. "Now you own me"

"Shut your hole" Dean muttered grumpily.

"Now that is not very nice is it?"

"Screw niceness"

"Maybe later"

Dean snorted with repressed laughter opening his eyes to look at him. "Thanks, anyway"

"You're not very welcome…go to sleep"

"I'm not tired"

Castiel closed his eyes irritated at him as he wriggled next to him. "Dean…"

"What?!"

"Stay still or I'll throw that bucket over your head" he hissed over to him.

Dean glared at him before rolling over and giving him his back. They remained silent with Castiel staring up at the ceiling and Dean at the wall.

"Sorry" Dean murmured looking over to him. "I just feel like crap"

"I know"

"I didn't mean it"

"I know"

"Stop saying that!" Dean cried with a huff turning fully to face him.

"Dean, you really are insufferable"

"So are you!"

"Says the one" Castiel said bemused turning to face him and giving him a faint smile. "It's fine, Dean, just close your eyes and sleep…I'll be here"

"You'll always be here" Dean replied with a blink.

Castiel was silent for a long minute before nodding. "I will always be here"

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews!**


	30. Chapter 30

_**September 2012**_

"What?" Dean said astonished as he watched Castiel pack an overnight bag.

"For the third time, Dean, I am going back to Oklahoma to see Balthazar"

"Why?"

"Because he's my friend and I miss him" Castiel replied with a roll of his eyes. "Are you going to miss me?"

"No way" Dean muttered with a shake of his head. "How long will you be gone?"

"I'll be back tomorrow evening" Castiel said with a smile and a shake of his head. "Stop worrying"

"I am not worrying!"

"Yes you are" Castiel said turning to face him with a smirk. "I'll see you when I see you"

"Tomorrow evening"

"Yes, if you get lonely you can cuddle my t-shirt"

"Ass" Dean muttered with a glare when he chuckled low picking up his bag and walking out. He followed him out crossing his arms across his chest and watching as he pulled on a jacket.

"I'll drive you down"

"No, Dean, you have work in a few hours and I can catch a train down there" he said grabbing his keys and cell. "I'll be fine"

Dean nodded watching Elmo purring as he played with a toy mouse on the floor and jumped when he saw him right in his personal space.

"I'll see you tomorrow"

"I know"

"Then stop looking like I've just kicked Elmo right in front of you" he said with a sigh grabbing the back of his neck and pushing their foreheads together in a familiar gesture. Dean closed his eyes for a long moment before gently shoving him away.

"You'll miss the train" Dean murmured watching him smile softly at him before bending down to stroke Elmo and leave quickly out of the door. He hummed softly walking over to Elmo and stealing the mouse away from him with a grin. Elmo mewled following it with wide eyes and Dean could see the upset in his eyes that he had spoiled his little game.

"Tough, hot shot, it's just you and I now so come on" he said wiggling the little mouse in front of him and smirking when he jumped at the toy patting it with his paws trying to chew on it. Dean sighed flinging it across the room and watching him run after it eagerly. He was already feeling bored and sank into the couch wondering what to do.

The trip back down to Oklahoma was boring and tiring for Castiel who read his book waiting for the station to come in view. It was solid relied when the mechanical voice called out the last station and he hopped up clutching the overnight bag. He stepped out inhaling the cool air deeply when a figure appeared out of nowhere startling him and he looked at Balthazar grinning at him in surprise.

"Oh" he said with a grunt when he hugged him slapping him hard on the back. "Balthazar"

"Cassy! It's so good to see you"

"Likewise…I can't breathe" he mumbled and sucked in a sharp breath when he was let go.

"Sorry, come on then" Balthazar cried gripping his wrist and pulling him with him as they dodged the people also trying to get out.

"How was the trip up here?"

"Okay I guess" Castiel said with a small shrug. "Dean wasn't happy"

"Oh I'm sure lover boy can cope without you for a day or two"

"One day, I'm going back tomorrow"

"Yeah, yeah" Balthazar muttered with a roll of his eyes. "So…where should we go?"

"I came to visit you, you should tell me"

"Spoilsport, I'd say pub but well…" he said with a wistful look in his eyes. Castiel frowned in concern touching his arm and sighed softly.

"Come on, I'm a little hungry so let's find somewhere that has good food and _soft _drinks" he said grabbing his hand and pulling him along.

"Aw, Cassy, look at your concern for me" he said with delight laced into his tone. "I've missed you…I hate that you've moved back to Kansas"

"I had to, Balthazar, I'm only here today because of you and I can only hope I don't run into…him"

"Marcus"

Castiel nodded with a hard swallow and pointed at a restaurant. "How about here?"

"Ooo, fancy" he muttered with a grin and a nod as they walked in and were escorted to a table for two. "It's like a date!"

"You wish"

"Oh you have no idea"

"You're straight, Balthazar, and I love someone else"

"I dabble" he said with a wink opening his menu. "How is Dean?"

"He's doing well"

"Still an idiot I guess?"

"He's not an idiot and I don't want to talk about it" Castiel replied with a small sigh that followed. Balthazar narrowed his eyes scanning down the menu.

"Because if you talk about it, it makes it seem a little too real" he murmured softly meeting Castiel's eyes and flashing him a knowing look.

"I…"

"Don't even try and deny it! It's been fat too long and quite frankly I am so tired of waiting"

"What would you have me do?"

"I would have you run away and live abroad with me"

"What?" Castiel said confused but was silenced when their waiter came over with beaming smiles asking for drink orders and food orders. They nodded at him as he left and Castiel turned excusing eyes on him.

"What did you mean?"

Balthazar hummed softly bringing his hands together and smiling softly at him. "I'm making life changing plans for 2013 and I'm planning to not have them in America"

"Life changing plans"

"I want to see the world, like you did, but I want to stay there, I want to help people, and I want you to come with me"

"What?" Castiel whispered shocked. "You can't be serious"

"I'm deadly serious and you once told me you wanted to do the same, you wanted to help people in places that were not like ours"

"Things change, people change, do you really expect me to pack up my life and come with you? What about Dean?"

"Dean? Dean is nothing! You, my dear friend, are going to spend the rest of your life pining for him, fucking him on the off chance, and stuck helplessly behind while he dwells in his confusion and fucked up feelings. He's a mess, Cas, he has no idea what he wants and how many years has it been?"

"I don't know"

"Exactly…he's had years to realise what you are to him and all he has is a bunch of confused feelings and a few fucks behind him! You deserve more" Balthazar said irritated and smiled when the waiter came over with their drinks and left in a flurry.

"I'd never leave him"

"You're too dependent"

"He's my best friend"

"He's holding you back! He treats you like shit, like you're nothing! What are you waiting for?"

"Nothing"

"You could do so much more, Castiel, instead of rotting away in some school when you could be somewhere else, meeting other people, seeing the world, and helping others who are unfortunate than us. Dean is a big boy, he can take care of himself now and he's your best friend and that will never change but people do part" Balthazar said giving him a knowing look.

Castiel swallowed bringing the glass to his lips and drinking it down. "Do you really think I could leave him?"

"I think you can do whatever you want and I think it's rather sad, no, it is sad that you are putting your whole life on hold for _him" _Balthazar spat with a shake of his head. "He'll never want you, not like you want him, and he knows this…he knows he can use it against you"

"Dean is not like that"

"Oh really"

"Yes" Castiel said through gritted teeth. "I know he will never want me like I want him but he would never manipulate me"

"Oh you think? You're blind to it" Balthazar said softly. "My offer stands, I leave next year of course but I really, really, think you should come with me"

"My answer is no"

"Fine but think about it" Balthazar said softly taking a sip of his own drink. Castiel narrowed his eyes at him not knowing what to say or think now as Balthazar shot him knowing looks. It had always been a little secret of his deep, deep, down to move away from Dean and his family to help less fortunate people but he buried it away because he had too. He would never leave Dean but he couldn't deny the thought of it.

Dean bit into his nail that next day staring at the door and listening out for his phone as he waited for him to return back home. Elmo purred content in his lap as he trailed his hands into fur and jumped when the door opened and Castiel walked in looking tired and troubled.

"Hey, you're back"

"Of course I am" Castiel murmured chucking his bag and keys on the table.

"How was the trip?"

"Eventual and tiring, I'm going to go sleep" he murmured walking into the bedroom. Dean frowned deeply following his movement as he walked into the bedroom and dropped on the bed.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine"

"Are you sure?"

Dean received no answer and only the slam of the door in his face. He gaped confused and went to open the door but couldn't move his hand to do it. Instead he sighed deeply and sat back down switching on the television deciding to wait instead.

Castiel sat in the middle of the bed feeling exhausted from his trip and the night before. It had been good to see Balthazar again but his words from their first lunch wouldn't stop going around and around his head. He knew it was wrong to take it out on Dean but it was making him irritable and angsty. He decided against apologising and curled up needing sleep and hoping when he woke up he was in a better mood.

Dean looked down at Elmo stretched in front of him and hummed teasing him with his fingers with a smile when he mewled swiping at them.

"Naughty boy" he murmured with a hiss when his claws caught him. The door opened startling him and he looked over to Castiel walking out looking sleepy and rumpled.

"Hello" Dean muttered avoiding his gaze.

"Hello" he murmured in reply walking into the kitchen to get a drink.

"Okay, so you go away for a day, you come back, and now you're ignoring me plus slamming doors in my face. Welcome home, sunshine" Dean cried looking over his shoulder at him and raising an eyebrow. "What the hell, Cas?"

"I was tired, Dean"

"Okay…"

"Look I'm sorry, I'm just…" he said softly trailing off and taking a sip of his drink. "The trip has got me thinking, Balthazar has got me thinking about some things in my life and…"

"What? What's the dick got to say now?"

"He's not a dick"

"Yes he is what's he said?"

"Nothing of interest to you" he snapped back at him. "It was of his future, his plans, and he wants me to be involved in them"

"What plans?" Dean snapped right back straightening up.

Castiel sobered looking away from him to out of the window squinting at the darkness. Autumn was slowly creeping in and it would soon be winter which he hated. The year was ending too quickly.

"Plans that don't involve you" he said softly moving away and back into the bedroom. Dean opened his mouth feeling hurt prickle across his chest and only closed it when the door slammed shut behind him. The last few months had been pleasantly easy for them as they lived it day by day without strain. There was tension between them but it was always there so it went ignored. It worried Dean who stared at the now closed door and he wondered what Balthazar had said to him.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**December 2012**_

Sam sat down carefully on the couch staring at Dean who pointedly ignored him taking a swig from the whiskey bottle.

"Dean" he said softly trying to get through to him. His eyes flashed to the television screen currently showing, The Grinch, and he scowled thoughtfully. "Dean, come on…you have to snap out of this…it's Christmas tomorrow and…"

"I don't care about Christmas" Dean snapped staring at the TV. "I told you to tell Karen I'm not coming and that's final"

"Dean…"

"Just go, Sammy, go back to Gabriel and your cosy fucking life and leave me alone!" Dean shouted at him, eyes flaring in anger, before he turned back to the television. Sam clenched his jaw standing up and circling to stand in front of the television.

"That's it, take it out on me because you and Cas have been fighting nonstop for months now…fighting, harsh words, screaming fits, days of Castiel staying at Karen's and you crying down the phone at me when it's down to the pair of you! Is it our fault that Cas has gone to Balthazar's for Christmas? No. Stop acting like this, Dean, it's getting boring and old really quick. This is both your fault because you can't talk, you can barely be with each other for ten minutes without you calling him a name or Cas fighting back! You're like kids! Grow the fuck up, Dean, before you lose him forever" Sam said tossing the remote at him and storming out of the apartment. Dean grabbed the bottle again unscrewing the cap and swallowing the orange brown liquid relishing the burn. Castiel and Dean had been fighting nonstop since September. Ever since Castiel had returned from Oklahoma tensions between them had reached critical. Dean would often watch in satisfaction when Castiel's eyes blurred with tears as he stormed out of the apartment but not before returning hours later with new leverage as he tore into Dean with vicious words. They had suddenly turned into two magnets constantly fighting each off and no one could help.

It was a constant strain for everyone who watched as the foundations of everything they had built between them started to crumble around them. If anyone had dared asked what had started it neither of them would be able to answer it correctly but would answer it was a long time coming. So that's how it started.

Dean moved out of the shared bedroom into the spare bedroom with his own bed. It was a strange occurrence for the pair of them but it had to happen. The distance grew to the point that they had even started to lead their own lives without each other. Dean would sometimes not see Castiel for days on end and likewise for Castiel who would not see Dean at all for days apart from the mornings and evenings when they went to bed. It was a like a non-existent relationship ending between them but instead of a relationship it was just their friendship. Dean was angry with Castiel for the way he was acting and vice versa for Castiel who was sick of the way he was being treated.

But deep down Castiel hoped it could be resolved but each time he tried to attempt a conversation it ended with him shouting back or even one time chucking a bowl at Dean's head which narrowly missed. So he gave up trying. It would resolve itself in time but after weeks and weeks of miscommunication and fights it was starting to seem impossible so when Balthazar invited him down for Christmas he didn't say no and simply left Dean a note before leaving in the middle of the night.

_**Dean, **_

_**I'm staying with Balthazar for Christmas. I'll be back in 2013. **_

_**Cas. **_

Dean read the note with a heavy heart and a strong sense of bitterness as he crumpled it into his hand and intended to ignore Christmas. Sam, Gabriel, Karen, and even Jo who brought the twins who were now walking and talking to cheer him up but nothing worked as he ignored them and drank his upset away.

Balthazar shoved a pie into his mouth and looked over to Castiel curled up in the chair, a blanket over his lap and his phone in his hand.

"Cas, what are you doing?"

"Nothing" he murmured dropping down the phone and glancing over to him.

"You're thinking about Dean"

"Sam called, he's drinking himself into a mess" he murmured wringing his hands together. "We haven't been getting along recently…"

"Recently? Cas, this has been going on for months! He's an asshole and you know it"

"No I don't and Dean drinking is really not good" he whispered pressing fingers to his eyes and forehead. "I shouldn't have left"

"You really, really, should have otherwise you'd probably be both in hospital for trying to kill each other"

"I'd never kill him even though I did throw a bowl at his head but he makes me so angry sometimes and….I know that's it's my fault for being snippy with him when I first came back but I was wound up and…and it was your fault!" Castiel shouted furiously at him.

Balthazar stepped back feeling a little wounded as he eyed him. "How is it my fault?!"

"For talking about moving away and me coming with you, for how Dean was treating me and I him and I just…I can't deal with fighting with him anymore" he shouted kicking off the blanket and going into the spare bedroom of his house.

Balthazar sighed rubbing his forehead feeling a headache coming on and wondered why he was part of this soap opera. Castiel sat on the single bed toying with the phone and scowled thoughtfully. It was Christmas Eve and tomorrow would be Christmas Day and he was away from Dean and his family, Dean was drinking himself into oblivion, and they were at odds. Who was at odds with their best friend and the love of their stupid life? Dean was _it _for him. No one would ever come as close and never would. It had been far too long for that now and he couldn't just fall out of love or hate him.

Castiel was so lost in thoughts that he didn't notice when the door opened and Balthazar came in with a cup of tea.

"Here" he murmured handing it over and watching him carefully. "I'm heading out, Christmas drinks, well not for me but still…do you want to come?"

"No, no, I'm tired…go enjoy yourself" he muttered blowing the cup of tea and glancing up at him and seeing his concern. "Go, Balthazar, I'll be fine"

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow"

Castiel nodded staring down at the murky water and listening to his whistling and humming Christmas songs. That night was lonely and kind of miserable for Castiel who sat curled up in the chair staring at the movie playing on the screen, his eyes kept flickering to the phone which held no missed calls and no messages. His fingers itched to text or dial his number to just hear his voice. It didn't happen though because he drifted off into an uneasy sleep waking up often in the night until he woke up in the morning to a buzz. Castiel jolted up with soreness in his neck and muscles to see it was now daylight, it was now Christmas Day, and he had his first message.

"_**Merry Christmas darling, we miss you. Lots of love, mom, anna, sam, and gabe. Xx"**_

Castiel smiled softly at the message pushing up and walking into Balthazar's bedroom to see no one and swallowed hard. He was alone for Christmas…just like Dean. His heart burned at the thought and he sighed deeply walking over to the couch and dropping into heavily. Castiel reached out grabbing his cell and instantly dialling his number listening to it ring and ring till he heard Dean's voicemail.

"Hello, Dean, I-I just wanted to say Happy Christmas…okay" he murmured hanging up and leaning back into the cushions.

Dean who was lying face down in his own sick on the bathroom floor stirred at the dialling tone. There was no word out there for how bad Dean felt as he balked and gagged at the smell of sick before hurling into the bowel. He shuddered all over collapsing next to it and blinked for a moment before struggling upwards and hitting the shower. He switched it on determinedly before slinking under the warm water as it pounded down on his aching head. Dean was a mess and there was no to help him out of it.

Eventually, Dean had cleaned himself up, wiped up the sick, and padded into the living room to get his cell and make a coffee. He stared at the missed call from Castiel and swallowed hard tossing it on the side and ignoring it. The coffee was good as he moved back into the bedroom ignoring Elmo who yowled at him annoyed.

"I'll feed you in a minute buddy" he murmured stroking him and flopping down on the bed feeling sick. "I just need a lie down"

Dean huffed annoyed at Elmo now padding up his buddy and meowing pitifully.

"Alright!" he snapped annoyed pushing him off him and walking out of the bedroom again to feed him. He gagged at the smell and closed the door with a firm snap when he had finished before dropping on the bed. Dean was officially having the worst Christmas ever.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

It was New Year's Eve and Castiel knew by now he should have gone back to Dean but he didn't. He stayed with Balthazar in Oklahoma who came back at 11am on Christmas Day full of apologies with bags of gifts, a chicken, and big smiles. It turned out to be an okay Christmas and he went to bed that night happy. The rest of the days were spent enjoying the peace and quiet of not arguing with Dean, who hadn't called him back and ignored the one text he sent to see if he was okay, and to enjoy being with a friend who laughed and didn't argue with him about every little thing. It was easy and good and now here it was. The end of the year and he was sat in Balthazar's living room listening to him sing loudly in the bathroom, he was staying in and Balthazar was going out.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"

"No, not my scene, and don't drink!"

"I'm not stupid!" he hollered back with laughter in his voice. "Rehab is really not for me"

"I know"

Castiel smiled at him when he walked in and twirled. "You look handsome"

"Good, I want to pull and hopefully have someone for 2013! Brand new year, the world hasn't ended and its New Year…I could do with a kiss"

Castiel smiled faintly staring down at his hands, Balthazar frowned grabbing his jacket.

"No word from Dean?"

"None"

"I'm sure he's okay"

"Well I'll find out on the 2nd" he said scratching the back of his neck. "It's just…I have a bad feeling"

"You always have a bad feeling" Balthazar joked.

"I miss Elmo, I wonder if he's okay" Castiel murmured biting into thumb.

"It's a cat!"

"It's like…our baby" he said with a small smile. "It's all we have"

"Cute" Balthazar cried with a burst of laughter.

"Shut up"

Balthazar smirked bending his head down and kissing him hard on the lips in a silly kiss that had him batting him away.

"Pre Happy New Year" he said with a grin poking his nose.

"Go, I'll see you next year"

"Funny" Balthazar said with a wink as he walked out slamming the door behind him. Castiel sighed settling in as he got a drink and watched the different shows and all the countdowns towards the end of 2012. It was slowly and surely creeping towards 00.00 and it felt a little sad to be celebrating it alone. He reached out for his phone dialling Dean's number listening to it ring out so he left a message.

"Hello, Dean, I just…I wanted to talk to you I guess. I think when I get back we need to talk, not shouting and arguing but…talk. I miss you, I miss you a lot actually, and you're my best friend so I'll see you soon and…I'm sorry for everything" he said with finality as he ended the voice message.

Castiel stared at the cell in his hand for a moment considering. "I also love you, I'm so, so, in love with you and it hurts like hell. You'll never know though…"

His eyes shot up to the screen that it was an hour left and he sighed needing more alcohol. He swiped the blue bottle from the fridge knocking it back and wondered deep down when did he become an old man? Castiel laughed into his kneecap watching the television and imagined what it would be like if things were different and he could tell Dean he loved him. He imagined the reaction to be good, not bad, not scared, and he could get what he so desperately wanted.

Time blurred and flew after that and soon it was the minute countdown with a small smirk.

_55…_

_54…_

_53…_

_52…_

The smile soon faded when a shiver down his spine rocketed through him and he stared around the living area feeling very cold.

_46…_

_45…_

_44…_

_43…_

_42…_

_41…_

Castiel stared down at his arms confused when the little hairs on his arms rose to attention and the sudden feeling of something very bad happening. His eyes zeroed on the countdown and he breathed out hard wondering what was happening to him.

_31…_

_30…_

_29…_

_28…_

_27…_

_26…_

_25…_

It was like slow motion as he slowly stood up and thought for one insane moment he had a ghost or something but this feeling was coming from somewhere deep, it had been there all along since the beginning of the day. It was like a warning he didn't listen to.

_11…_

_10…_

_9…_

_8…_

_7…_

_6…_

_5…_

_4…_

_3…_

_2…_

_1…_

Castiel was scared. He reached for his phone wanting to call his family, Dean, or even Balthazar but knew the phone lines would be horrendous right now with everyone trying to call loved ones. He stared at the TV screen that welcomed in 2013 but he didn't care because something was wrong, off, and he needed to know now. He rubbed a hand over his chest and paced the room hitting the cell against his lip over and over again contemplating when it rang. Castiel stared down at the caller ID and frowned answering it.

"Sam?"

"Dean's been stabbed"

**A/N: I love causing drama. I warn now for an angsty part next chapter which I have in my head right now which I want to write out so bad. It's a little traumatic. I'm casually ruining lives. ONE YEAR TO GO, GUYS. Thank you so much for sticking with me. Who knew 10 years would take this long to write? *sigh***


	31. Chapter 31

_**January 2013 **_

It was a nightmare rolled into a nightmare. The phone call had left Castiel shaken and cold to the bone as he realised he couldn't return or see Dean until the second because Balthazar couldn't drive and he had no other means of transport. His hysteria reached high points when Balthazar came home and had to pin him to the couch shouting at him to calm down.

Balthazar had no idea what had happened but all he knew was Castiel was hysterical, Dean had been stabbed, and it was critical.

"Breathe" Balthazar said soothingly brushing a hand through his hair over and over again. "What did Sam say?"

"That-that Dean was in a club…there was…" he said trailing off as he shook his head and clutched at his hair with his hands. Balthazar shushed him and nodded grabbing his cell and dialling Sam's number.

"Cas?" an unfamiliar voice answered.

"No, no, this is Balthazar, Cas is a little….well you get the idea. What's happened?"

"Oh, oh, this is Gabriel, his brother"

"Ah yes he did mention you once or twice"

"Is he okay?"

"He…he will be when he gets back. What's happened?"

Gabriel looked at Sam looking shell shocked next to him and squeezed his knee hard before moving away.

"I don't really know because we weren't there but all we know for certain was Dean wasn't the only one. There are five other victims, two are dead, and some are injured"

"Holy shit" Balthazar breathed glancing over to Castiel who was staring around the room wide eyed. "I'll put Cas on"

Castiel reached for the phone pressing it against his ear. "Tell me he's okay"

"He's stable, I think, the doctors aren't telling us a lot now"

"I need to get there. I'm thinking about getting a cab"

"Cas, no way, it'll cost you a fortune!"

"I need to be there!" Castiel shouted back angrily. "He needs me"

"It's insanity! I will call you straight away if there are any changes, Cas, but it's New Year's Day now and…"

"No! I need to be there!" Castiel yelled down it chucking the phone away and running into the bedroom. Balthazar looked after him bringing out his own cell and calling a hopefully sober friend who would be willing to drive to Kansas and of course be paid. Castiel closed his eyes listening to the pound of his heart in his chest and the overwhelming churn of sickness crowding over him again and again.

"What if he dies and I'm not there" he whispered bringing his hands to his face and trying to breathe. He startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked at Balthazar who had come in.

"I have a friend who's willing to drive you up there"

"What?" Castiel breathed turning towards him stunned.

"Yeah, Jerry…he owes me a favour and he's willing of course and I'll pay him what he needs to" he said squeezing his shoulder.

"Thank you" Castiel breathed desperately clutching his hand as he got all his things together and threw them in his bag. "When is he coming?"

"Now so hurry up"

"I'm ready" Castiel muttered grabbing his jacket and yanking it on. "I need to get there; I need to see him now"

"It's a five hour trip, Castiel"

"Well tell him to take shortcuts, drive faster, anything" he shouted heading to the door. Balthazar swallowed hard collecting his things and following after him as they waited outside. He dared a glance over him to see his eyes wild with panic and despair and felt the guilt settle into his heart and stomach. Castiel looks up like an eager child when a black car comes around the corner and he stares at the stranger in question who nods at Balthazar.

"Well…at least it isn't New York"

"Thank you for this" Castiel said jumping into the back.

"No problem mate, Balthy said it was a stabbing or something"

"Yes" Castiel whispered weakly.

Balthazar glared at his friend as he climbed into the front. "Just drive, Jerry, and quickly"

Castiel stayed quiet in the back keeping a firm grip on his phone in case there was a call but there was none as they sped down the many, many roads and only stopped once for fuel and food.

"You need to eat" Balthazar said shoving a bag of snacks at him. "You look about ten minutes away from fainting"

"I'm not hungry" he murmured but shut up when Balthazar shot him a look. "Fine…if it'll get you to shut up"

"Atta boy" Balthazar said with a wink as they started their journey again all the way to Kansas hospital. Castiel was on tenterhooks as he closed his eyes imagining Dean to be okay, sitting up, and cursing whoever decided to kill a lot of people. In some short of a miracle they managed to get there in less than five hours and Castiel had never found Kansas a welcoming sight before but here it is.

"What will you two do? Will you go back?"

"Nah, mate, we have to visit the local pubs! I'm not up for eight hours of driving"

"We'll stay in a motel"

Castiel nodded hands clutching at his bag as they drove down a familiar street and the hospital was laid out in front of them. It felt like his heart was in his throat as they drove into the car park.

"Thank you for this, just thank you!" he cried to both of them as he jumped out running into the reception. It was hectic inside but he was soon led down many corridors before being led into a waiting room.

"Cas!" Gabriel said alarmed when he walked in and leapt at him. "How…tell me you didn't get a cab!"

"No, no, I got a ride here from one of Balthazar's friends…where is he? I want to see him" Castiel said shaking his head and looking at Sam who looked crestfallen. "Gabe…"

"We can't see him, not yet, he was rushed into surgery" Gabriel said softly leading him over. "Mom is talking to the doctor"

"What happened?"

"Dean went out, I tried to make him stay in but he said he wanted to get drunk and he didn't need us, he didn't need anyone. He went to that Red club or whatever it's called and well I don't know what happened till I got a call but…"

"I know what happened"

They turned to see a woman walk in, her face stained with dried blood, a blanket around her shoulders and fear in her eyes.

"This guy started screaming that it was his job to get rid of sinners and God was in his head. He just…he went mad…he slashed a woman's throat, he stabbed her boyfriend and your friend or brother I don't know got in the way. It was wrong place, wrong moment, and then he was tackled…there was so much blood. But of course then the police arrived and that guy was shot dead because he went for them. He…he was wild, there was no kindness in his eyes…he was there to kill everyone" she said looking between them. "How is your friend?"

"He's in a critical condition" Sam said grabbing at Gabriel who shushed him kissing the top of his head. "He…he could be dead right now"

Castiel winched sitting down and covering his face. "I should have been there! We made plans to be with you lot on New Year's Eve and look what's happened"

"Cas you can't blame yourself" Gabriel said with a deep sigh and looked up when Karen walked in looking pale and concerned.

"Mom" Castiel whispered throwing himself in her arms as she caught him holding him tight.

"Sweetheart, when did you arrive?"

"Balthazar and his friend brought me here…what have the doctors said?"

Her words were stopped when a doctor walked in. "Doctor, how's Dean?"

"My name is Doctor Mills and Dean is stable for now, the stab wound in the abdominal area caused a distressing amount of internal bleeding and a rupture in the diaphragm which with surgery was stabilised but has caused breathing problems" she said with a sad frown. "He's in a coma now and heavily medicated"

"Can we see him?"

"Only for a moment" she said as she led the four of them into the room. Castiel inhaled sharply at the sight of Dean lying motionless on the bed, breathing tube sticking out of his mouth, a bruise blooming on his cheek and looking one hundred per cent vulnerable. He couldn't resist walking over and touching his hand gently to stroke the top.

"I'm sorry" he whispered before moving away to press the heels of his hands into his eyes trying to stop the burn of tears. He would not cry. Dean was alive and tears would do nothing. Eventually they were ushered out and Castiel stepped into the corridor and blinked to see Balthazar coming over.

"I thought you had left"

"I sent Jerry in the direction of bars and women…I couldn't leave you like this"

"I'm fine, I have my family and he's okay" he murmured. "I need coffee"

"Not this cheap shit" Gabriel said with a wrinkle of his nose and looking up at Sam who mumbled that he was not leaving his brother. "Okay this cheap shit it is"

"Thank you anyway" Castiel said touching his arm as he went to find a machine. His heart felt heavy as he found it and looked over his shoulder to see Balthazar following after him.

"Cassy, you look like you're five seconds away from crying"

"I'm not crying" he whispered feeling the lump in his throat and blinked at the moisture forming in his eyes. "Tears will do nothing"

"No but they'll help all this pent up upset…I don't think anyone would call you a fool for crying" he murmured touching his back and jerking his hand away when Castiel lurched away waving a hand at him.

"Don't…just leave me alone" he spat hearing him sigh and walk back down the corridor. Castiel grabbed the little cup and walked back to the waiting room were Karen was saying her goodbyes and urging them to call if there was any difference. He sat down in the seat staring at the sickly yellow wallpaper of the waiting room and cursing whoever decided it would be an appropriate colour. The wait was painful and the hours that passed were long and tiresome.

"I need my bed" Gabriel muttered with a yawn looking over to Sam who looked as tired as he was. "I think we should go back"

"No, I'm not leaving him!"

"There is no point in all of us staying" Gabriel whined fidgeting. "Sam, you look like serious crap. You need sleep and food. Cas is here and you know he'll call if anything changes"

"Plus little old me" Balthazar said with a wave.

"I told you to go" Castiel murmured rolling his eyes.

"Jerry is pissed, I won't be leaving till he's sober and in a pleasant mood" he said throwing up his hands in defeat.

"Come on, we'll come back when I know you're not about to collapse" Gabriel murmured urging Sam to stand.

"Cas…"

"I promise" he said weakly with a nod not needing to know the rest of the words. Castiel ignored Balthazar as he stood up and went to find the doctor. Doctor Mills was doing her rounds when he found her.

"Can I sit with him?" he pleaded. "I won't touch anything or disturb…it's just driving me slowly insane sitting in that room and just please"

Doctor Mills frowned considering before nodding and leading him to the private room.

"You'll want his insurance details I'm sure" Castiel said when he was led into the room.

"That can be discussed further down the line" she said gesturing at the chair. Castiel nodded in gratitude as he sat down heavily staring at Dean and the machines surrounding the bed, the wires and needles on his arms and the breathing tube sticking out of his mouth.

"Dean" he murmured softly touching his hand and swallowing the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry I left"

Castiel would and could feel guilty for leaving; he could almost blame himself for this happening. He could also hate himself for leaving him behind after a huge argument. His eyes shut on their accord as he dropped his head letting it rest of his hand and stared across the room. The beep of the heart monitor was a constant relief as tears pricked his eyes and the fact he hadn't slept yet wasn't helping.

"I can't lose you" he whispered softly.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Castiel blinked staring up at the block of apartments feeling strange and cold. His eyes moved up and down the street and he shivered not knowing why he was here. The impulse though to go inside was too strong and using the keys suddenly in his hands he unlocked the main door heading to the apartment. He stared at the apartment door for a long minute before opening it up slowly pushing open the door. It was dead silent and without heart. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath wrapping his jacket around him as he looked around the disarray of mess, the mouldy food creating a strange smell lingering in the air, and the eeriness of it nearly sent Castiel backtracking but he couldn't leave, he knew deep down he had a job to do.

His feet took him forward and he stepped inside the bedroom and everything was…perfect. The bed neatly made, his clothes ironed and stacked in neat piles, but everything was covered in a thin film of dust. It was disturbingly wrong. He sucked in a sharp breath and blinked confused at a book in the middle of the floor. It was plain and simple with a black cover and was somehow wrong in the middle of it. Dean didn't own books. He bent down on one knee to pick it up when a noise behind him startled him.

"Castiel"

"Gabriel" he whispered turning to look at his brother who walked in with eyes wide and brow furrowed in concern.

"I told you not to come here"

"I had to come here, I…why, why shouldn't I come here?"

"Because it's not yours anymore, come on, Cas" he said tugging on his arm.

"What are you talking about?" Castiel snapped tugging his arm back and away from him. "Of course it's mine, it's mine and Dean's and I need to get stuff for him"

Gabriel closed his eyes with a shake of his head before gripping his shoulders tight and shaking him once.

"Listen to me! Are you listening?"

"Y-Yes"

"This has to stop, Cas, it has to stop"

"Stop?"

Gabriel swallowed squeezing his shoulder once stroking the jacket. "He's dead"

"What?" he murmured blinking over and over again.

"Dean _died _two weeks ago…they couldn't…it was critical, you were there, you just…you can't accept it" he said softly cupping the side of his face. "He's gone"

"No…" Castiel whispered shaking his head. "No you're wrong…he's…he's at the hospital"

"The funeral was last weekend…don't you remember?" Gabriel said almost pleading with him as he stared at him.

"He's not dead" he whispered shaking his head. "You're wrong!"

"He's dead! You were holding his hand when he died!" Gabriel shouted at him. "He…Dean never woke up and you keep torturing yourself because you never got to apologise to him and now he's gone…you can never sort through the argument"

Castiel blinked looking around the room and could feel the tears in his eyes as he protested moving him away. "No"

"Yes, you need to _stop. _I can't deal with you and Sam together…I can't. Now come on" he urged tugging him.

Castiel closed his eyes breathing shakily and shoved Gabriel away as he ran and ran and ran ignoring the protest and the scream of his name. He didn't know where he was running to but all of the sudden he was standing in a graveyard. He shuddered deeply looking up at the trees were birds were tweeting. His eyes roamed across the many gravestones till he found the fresh one. His feet took him forward unwillingly as he looked at the beautiful white marble, the bold letters that spelled out his name, and the shock of it was enough for him to collapse onto his knees.

"Dean" he whispered staring at the mud mound. He inhaled shakily covering his mouth and shook his head. "This isn't real…t-this can't be real"

The tears filled his vision as he choked on a breath, his breath shuddering, but so very quiet as he wept into his hands. It was the type of agony that couldn't be heard but only seen.

"No…" he whispered hands digging into the dirt. "This can't be happening…you were okay, you were doing okay…they saved you. Why are you dead? Why did you leave me? I told you I couldn't live without you and this is what you do?!"

His breath was completely erratic as he stared up at the white clouds, his breath rising into the air, and closed his eyes feeling so, so, cold.

"Gabriel said I never got to say a real goodbye that you didn't wake up…I don't know why I can't remember but I guess all I have now is a gravestone and my memories. It's all I have…you shouldn't have left me"

He furiously scrubbed at the tears slowly falling down his face in warm streams. "I can't even…I can't even remember what the last thing I said to you was…face to face. I know they were cruel and I just left…I never got to tell you the truth"

The sobbed laughter shocked him as he sat down heavily in the grass. Castiel looked down at his hands when it faded and he crumbled wringing them together.

"You…you always said it was rare I shown true emotions like yourself and you're not even here to see it. I never got to tell you how I really feel about you. You were it, Dean, there will be no one else…I can't even imagine myself with anyone but you, my ass of best friend, and I love you"

He smiled weakly at nothing before it faded and he looked at the gravestone. "I'm sorry I never told you…if I told you this probably would have never happened. I…"

Castiel wrapped his arms around his knees as he lifted them up and leant his chin against the top of them.

"I'll always love you and I am so sorry I'll never get to tell you that" he whispered. The smell of the flowers around the grave invaded his senses and he looked away suddenly feeling exhausted and strange. Castiel moved shifting around so he was leaning against the grave, the cool marble pressed against his side, and he didn't want to move ever again.

"What am I supposed to do now?" he whispered and closed his eyes letting the tears flow down his cheeks as his heart mourned the loss at a great pain. His sense pricked though and he swore he could hear his name in the wind being called over and over again. Castiel winced at a sudden pain his shoulder, the dampness on his cheeks starting to irritate and his eyes opened to darkness.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Balthazar stared at the slumped form on the bed with a shake of his head. He zeroed in on the tears on his cheeks and shifted forward in concern shaking his shoulder hard calling his name again and again.

"Castiel!" he cried and jumped when Castiel shot off the bed falling onto the floor. Balthazar knelt down on the floor staring at him in concern and silently while Castiel took in his surroundings in confusion before lurching up and staring at a comatose Dean.

"He's alive" he whispered clutching his hand and staring at Balthazar who nodded placing a hand on his back.

"Yeah, Cassy, he's-he's alive and fighting fit…are you okay?"

"I had…a dream, a nightmare, and…" he said sitting back down on the seat dazed. "Am I awake?"

Balthazar raised an eyebrow leaning over and pinching him hard enough so he yelped hitting his hand and scowling at him.

"If not you're being tortured"

"My mind hates me" he whispered brushing at his cheeks and back at Dean. "Dean, can you hear me? If you can hear me open your eyes or squeeze my hand"

Dean remained motionless on the bed to his disappointment. Castiel breathed out reaching over and stroking his hair.

"Don't you dare go anywhere you understand me? Don't" he whispered. "If you die I'll never forgive you"

"Cassy…"

"I dreamt he died and I was lost without him…I will not lose him" he snapped looking over to Balthazar who actually stepped back at the look in his eyes. "I won't"

He clutched his hand tight watching him closely as well as the heart monitor which shown his heart beating firmly.

"He'll be fine" he murmured letting out a shuddering sigh. "He'll be fine"

It was sometime later that he left kissing his knuckles and ordering him not to die was when he went to meet up with Gabriel and Sam who had come back.

"Well don't you look beautiful" Gabriel said sarcastically when he came around the corner.

"Before you even dare suggest I go home and rest I am not leaving him" he said holding up a finger to him.

"Is he okay?" Sam said as they began to walk back down.

"No difference"

"He's a fighter is our Deano!" Gabriel said with a grin which faltered when they heard the alarms and jumped aside when nurses and Doctor Mills came rushing past.

"No" Castiel breathed as they ran to the room to see chaos.

"Castiel, stop, no" Balthazar said holding him back as he struggled against him.

"No, Dean!" Castiel shouted in a wild panic struggling against him as he wrapped his arms around his body while Castiel shouted for Dean. He closed his eyes squeezing them tight praying for it to be a dream and listening to the flat lining heart monitor, the nurses and doctors talking loudly and Sam shouting over them fighting against Gabriel.

Castiel opened his mouths shoving Balthazar back violently and charging into the room ignoring the nurses as he gripped his hand.

"Don't you dare" he hissed clutching it tight as they pressed the paddles to his chest shocking his heart back to life.

"_You were holding his hand when he died"_ the voice echoed in Castiel's mind as he clutched it hard willing him to live and not fade away. Tears blurred in his eyes and he stared at the nurses now leaving him be when everything returned.

"He's back, normal rhythm" Doctor Mills said when the heart monitor started beating again and the relief was painful.

"Why did it happen?"

"We won't until further tests and I will have to ask you to step outside" she said in a kind voice nodding at the door. Castiel nodded bending down and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

"Don't do that again, you ass" he whispered into the skin. "I'll be back in a minute"

Castiel walked back out looking over to Gabriel being the rock he was supporting and soothing Sam as he panicked. He couldn't resist collapsing against Balthazar who grunted supporting his weight.

"He's alive" he breathed closing his eyes letting his relief overtake him and he smiled for the first time since he got the call.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

It took two days for Dean to come around and Castiel was in the middle of a horror book when he saw Dean twitch and open his eyes.

"What" Dean said blinking awake and looking over to Castiel who shuffled over staring at him. "Where am I?"

"Hospital, do you not remember?"

"Not really"

"New Year's Eve, you were at a club, a mental man came in and you were stabbed"

"Oh yeah" Dean murmured with a groan shifting and clutched a hand to his stomach. "I feel like I've been stabbed"

"It's because you were and you died" he said cocking his head at him.

"What?" Dean whispered looking over to him with wide eyes.

"We really need to stop dying on each other" he said reaching up and stroking his hair.

"I died?" he murmured looking away from him. "How long for?"

"One minute maybe two"

"Fuck"

"Yeah" he whispered with a sigh. "How are you feeling?"

"Like crap…how long have you been here?"

"I got a call after the New Year and Balthazar and his friend drove me up here after some persistence…I've not left your side since. I smell apparently and I've made two new friends" he joked grabbing the water and helping him sip it. "I would never leave you"

"You did before…."

Castiel clenched his jaw sitting back down and staring at him with hard eyes and Dean stared right back.

"Okay, no, Dean, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm not fighting with you anymore, no more cruel words, remarks, nothing. I'm sorry for the last few months…the fights are meaningless when you're dying and I'm holding your hand willing you to live"

"I'm sorry too….you dick" he murmured with a small smile. "I might have missed you a little bit"

"Asshat" he murmured twining their hands together and nodding at him. "I'll have to call Sam and Gabriel, they'll be worried"

"When can I go home?" he muttered wriggling on the bed and wincing.

"When the doctors say, Dean, you've just been stabbed and I'd have you stay in here until you're fully healed if I had my way" he said with a smirk standing up.

Dean glared with tired eyes watching him leave and reached out. "You're not leaving, like leaving back to Balthazar's are you?"

"No, Dean, I'm never leaving again" he said with a blink before exiting and walking out to call Sam and Gabriel. Dean smiled settling into the cushion and looked out of the window relieved to be alive. It's not every day you die and come back to life.

**A/N: I'm evil laughing. Thank you for the reviews!**


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Yes, I am Satan and I like ruining your lives. No I'm not really and I do apologise though because last chapter will be probably the last of the serious angst. **

_**April 2013**_

"Dean did what?!" Gabriel shouted at Castiel as he stood in front of them in the living room.

"Dean brought home a girl and now they are having sex" he said in an emotionless voice. "He said he needed time alone and practically shoved me out of the flat"

"Seriously" Sam murmured in disbelief. "He is really losing it then"

"He's not been the same since the accident" Castiel said closing his eyes in defeat. "It's like nonstop living his life to the full with partying, clubbing, women and…men I think…he sometimes crawls into my bed stinking of another man's cologne when he's too drunk to function"

Gabriel opened his mouth gesturing at thin air and turned to Sam. "Give me permission to kill him"

"No"

"Gabriel" Castiel muttered rolling his eyes.

"He's a sack of shit! He doesn't give a shit about anyone but his royal highness! Move out and come live here" Gabriel ordered.

"I'm not leaving him again"

"He deserves it!"

"He does not! We're not in a relationship…"

"You told me, no, you told us that you were going to tell him that you love him! You were finally going to sit down and tell him your true feelings" Gabriel ranted pacing up and down.

Castiel sighed softly staring down at his hands and shrugged his shoulders. "There was never a good time, he was healing and then he ripped his stiches out, he had a bit of a breakdown and this…this trust, our friendship, it's…it's still healing day by day"

"Bullshit, you little coward"

"I am not a coward"

"Then why is Dean fucking some cheap tart back at your place?"

"Because he's freaking out, Gabriel! He died, remember? I remember telling him" he shouted back at him.

"Then why not freak out with you? You're lying to yourself because you can! It's so much easier to let sleeping dogs lie when they need to be woken up right the fuck now. Dean needs to know how you really feel and I am so sick of hearing myself speak!" he cried throwing up his hands and sitting heavily down next to Sam watching him amused.

"I think we all are"

"You be quiet" Gabriel warned pointing a finger at him and looked at Castiel who was sheepishly avoiding his gaze. "There's this thing called grip, Cas, and you need it. Tell him how you really feel, let the dick digest it, get used to it, and if he doesn't want anything then you can both move on. He can fuck any tart, slut, and whore he likes and you can do the same. This whole world resolves around sex and money"

Castiel glared at him with hate shining in his eyes before it faded and he nodded. "You're right"

"Of course I'm right"

"Your head just got a tiny bit bigger" Sam teased and grunted when Gabriel hit him on his arm hard.

"How dare you, I have a perfectly sized head" he said touching it gingerly with his hands and glaring at Sam who smirked back at him.

"I'm going" Castiel said quickly standing up and leaving out of the front door. Gabriel hummed as he lifted up and straddled Sam's waist.

"Home alone" he murmured with a glint in his eye.

"Yeah" Sam said with a nod. "What's that sound?"

"What sound?"

"I think…I think it's my essay calling me"

Gabriel blinked staring at him for a long moment. "Are you turning down sex for an essay?"

"Maybe"

"Oh Samuel" Gabriel said with a shake of his head. "When will you ever learn? What happened to the last essay?"

Sam paled at the look in his eyes. "We're having sex aren't we?"

"Yes now get naked dear" Gabriel said with a gleeful smile pushing him down into couch.

Castiel sighed pausing at the apartment door for a moment with his eyes closed trying to gain some strength before pushing in the key. He was instantly rewarded with the sound of Dean retching and the splash of sick in the toilet. Dean moaned weakly slumping on the floor when Castiel walked in making him jump and stare up at him.

"Help" he whispered flailing a hand towards him.

"How much have you been drinking and is _she _still here?"

"No, no, she went ages ago and I don't know but it tasted like gasoline"

"It probably was" he murmured pouring him a glass of water from the tap and handing it over to him. Dean sipped it with a grimace and moaned dropping it on the floor to vomit something yellow out of his mouth. Castiel grimaced rubbing his back till he was done and he slumped back against him.

"I'm dying" he whispered.

"Mm yes" Castiel agreed with an eye roll gripping under his arms and pulling his heavy weight up with a grunt. Dean groaned at the movement and as his whole world jolted to the side before he was placed in bed which stunk of perfume and sex.

"No…no, not in here" he murmured shaking his head struggling against him.

"You are not sleeping in my bed"

"Please" he pleaded looking up at him.

"No, you smell of vomit, sweat, sex, and…some fruity perfume…no thank you" he said letting go of him and walking out. Dean frowned with a pout kicking at the blankets and staring upwards at the ceiling.

"Cas!" he hollered waiting for him to come back him. "You're pissed aren't you?"

"Why would I be pissed?"

"Because I pushed you to fuck Candy"

"Candy" Castiel repeated slowly eyeing Dean who shrugged.

"I think her real name is Helena" he murmured with a sigh. "Stay with me"

"Like you're ill?"

"I feel like shit"

"Because you've been drinking for four months straight" he said softly folding his arms over his chest. "When will it end, Dean?"

"I'm having fun"

Castiel huffed out a laugh and nodded looking down at the floor. "Yes, constantly drinking, fucking men and women because you can…how fun, Dean, are you living the life you want?"

"I died…"

"So did I" he shouted back at him. "But what did I do?"

"You didn't do anything"

"No I healed, I got better, and I was here with you" he said in a low voice. "I'm tired of trying to make you listen to me, cleaning up your sick, and listening to you and some…whore fuck all night long. You have no idea…none"

"Where you imagining it were you?" Dean murmured sitting up.

"No"

"Liar…you got off on it didn't you?"

"No" he snapped looking away from him. "I was not and if you thought I was then you don't know me as well as I thought you did"

"I know you better than anyone!" Dean protested when he turned and walked out. Dean kicked off the covers in a huff stumbling after him and raising a hand to him.

"I do! I know you better than anyone in this world!"

"No you don't"

Castiel watched the hurt flicker across his face until it faded into a cold mask.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You don't see it, Dean, because you don't want to"

"I don't know what you mean!"

Castiel shifted moving towards him and into his personal space. "I dreamt you died…I came here and Gabriel told me you were dead. I went to your grave, the dream one of course, and it was the single worst moment of my life and it wasn't even real. You were dead and you didn't know"

"I didn't know what"

"Is it really not that obvious, Dean?"

"Stop hinting and teasing and tell me"

"Why don't you know?"

"Know what?!"

Castiel paused for thought. Did he really want to tell him like this? He had been waiting for months, years, to tell him that he was actually in love with him and it was breaking his heart to watch him fuck other people.

"I think I'll leave you guessing for a while" he murmured moving away and into the kitchen.

"What the fuck, Cas?"

"Just go sleep this hangover off, Dean, before you go back out" he said in a cold tone.

"Fine" Dean snapped storming back into the bedroom curling back under his covers. Castiel slammed his palms down on the surface quietly seething at Dean and hating himself for loving him. It would be a lot easier if he didn't.

It was coming on to 10pm that night when Dean came out of the room still looking ill and feeling it as well. Castiel didn't look up as he crashed his way through the kitchen.

"I'm going out"

"I figured" Castiel murmured as he pulled at the needle and thread.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sewing" Castiel murmured looking up at him. "You look awful, Dean"

"Screw you"

"No thank you" Castiel muttered turning his attention back to the cushion he was making. It was relaxing and he understood why women liked it. Dean scowled deeply at him grabbing his stuff and glaring at Elmo who wound his body around his ankles.

"Leave me alone and I'll be back late…or not at all" he snapped walking out and slamming it hard behind him. Castiel sighed tossing back his head to close his eyes and prayed for some sort of patience because he was one step away from smashing Dean's face with a frying pan and really enjoying it.

He had an early night instead of waiting up and smiled when the door creaked open and the bed bounced a little as Elmo padded over curling into his side.

"Hey boy" he murmured stroking him gently before resuming sleep.

Dean was not having a good night. He had thrown up twice, been rejected, and now thrown out of the club he was at. He was a mess and all he wanted was his bed. The walk home was a disaster as he tripped cutting his hands up and scraping his forehead; he lost his shoe, and smashed the screen on his phone before arriving at the apartment.

Dean opened the apartment door staring around the darkness and went to his own room when he stopped staring at Castiel's door. He breathed out slowly pushing it open and squinting to see Castiel curled up with Elmo also asleep. His lip ached as he bit into it and he couldn't resist walking to the other side of the bed and climbing in.

Castiel sighed in sleep waking up slowly confused and peered over his shoulder to see Dean staring at him.

"Dean, what are you doing?" he murmured blinking rapidly. "Go to your own room"

"I don't want to" he whispered closing his eyes. "I don't…I don't want to be alone"

"Well you reek of vodka and other disgusting things so please leave" he murmured turning over and squinting at him. "What's that on your face?"

"Nothing"

Castiel reached over stroking the wet on his skin and pulled back to switch on the lamp and gasped.

"Blood, Dean, are you hurt?"

"I fell over" he whispered looking over to him. Castiel sighed deeply feeling so tired and grabbed his hand pulling him out of the bed and into the kitchen. Dean sat down with a grunt watching Castiel pull out the first aid kit to clean him up.

"How was it?"

"Crap" Dean murmured holding out his hands and wincing when Castiel cleaned his hands with warm water and a clean towel before putting on antiseptic cream and putting them in bandages. "I'm sorry about before"

"I'm used to it by now" Castiel replied softly looking at his forehead with a grimace as he went to get a clean towel. "No pretty woman or handsome man to take your fancy"

"No" he murmured hissing in pain when Castiel dabbed him a little too hard. "You're angry with me"

"Well done"

"Why?"

"You know why, Dean, it doesn't need saying" he said softly applying the dressing. "I keep telling you but you just ignore me over and over again and I'm sick of it"

"I'm sorry" he murmured with a hard swallow. "I just wanted to live my life"

"Is this life? Drinking, fucking, and falling over in the middle of the night?"

"It's all I have right now" he murmured softly.

Castiel frowned sadly sitting back to look at him closely. "That's sad, Dean, and not in a horrible way but almost in a pitying way that you need to act like a teenager to get what you want. You're drinking and fucking your way through life and you don't care about the consequences, you don't care about the people you hurt along the way as long as you are happy. I'm tired, Dean, you can do what you want now"

Dean gaped at him as he stood up putting everything away and returned to bed. Castiel made his mind up as he climbed back into bed that Gabriel could call him a coward all he wanted. He refused to tell Dean when he was breaking down like this. It would be true words brushed aside like they were nothing.

_**~0~0~0~0~ **_

_**August 2013**_

Castiel stared out of the window looking at the passing sites as Dean drove them to the beach. It was a hot day and Castiel refused to stay in and bugged Dean till he gave in. Things between them since April had developed better instead of worse. Dean took his time but eventually to his relief snapped out of it and simply stopped. He watched curiously as Dean packed in the drinking and fucking everything with a pulse and instead concentrated getting a new job since his actions since the stabbing had completely affected his job.

Gabriel had called Castiel a coward and many more words and told him he was giving up on the pair of them. Castiel shrugged it off as Sam agreed and they left the pair of them with words that confused Dean.

"Here" Dean said handing him a bottle of sun cream. "I don't want you burning"

"So fussy" Castiel replied rolling his eyes.

"Shut up and rub it in" Dean scolded as he turned into the car park and parking in an available space. Castiel huffed stepping out and breathing in slowly taking in the smell that was the seaside. It had always been a favourite smell of his to be able to smell the sea, the sand, and hint of sweetness.

"Here" Dean said with a grunt handing him his bag and slamming the boot door down as they walked towards the beach. "Why the beach, Cas?"

"It's a change" he murmured sliding on his sunglasses. "Why are you being a grump today?"

"I'm not! Just hungry"

"If I buy you food will you be happy?"

"Make it a burger and you have a deal" Dean said wrapping his arms around his shoulders with a smirk. "Come on then"

Castiel watched him walk down keeping the smile that was threating to alight on his lips down. He quickly followed after him, buying him his burger from the stand, and then finding a spot on the sand.

"The last time we went to the beach was…"

"…with Balthazar" Dean muttered with a wrinkle of his nose. "Shame he wasn't eaten by a shark"

"Dean"

"What?"

"Stop acting like a little child"

"Screw you"

Castiel raised an eyebrow looking over to Dean who paused mid bite to smirk at him.

"You can't be serious" Dean murmured. "Who knew you were so adventurous?"

"I've always wanted to try it"

"Seriously" Dean said not in question but in awe.

"Well as long as no one saw me, well us, then yes I would not mind having sex outside"

"Wow" Dean murmured with heat pooling down below as he considered it and actually really, really, wanted it. The silence drifted between them as Castiel flipped over on the blanket and pulled out his book to read it. Dean finished with a smack of his lips and fell back down soaking in the hot sun radiating down on them. It wasn't like they needed extra tan but a little more wasn't a crime.

"Did I tell you what Gabriel was talking to me about yesterday?"

"No"

"He was talking about…marriage" he murmured with a small smile when Dean jerked like he had been electrocuted.

"Excuse me?"

"We were talking and it came up…would you really object to our brothers marrying?"

"Yes! He's too young for that bullshit!" Dean cried staring around with wild eyes. "He isn't really proposing is he?"

"No, Dean, he was just talking about it and I was shocked myself. I didn't realise he felt that way about Sam yet but it would seem he wants to spend the rest of his life with him" he said turning the page slowly. "If they wanted to marry though you couldn't say anything about it, Dean, you do know that"

"He's not marrying! He's like a teenager"

"He is not a teenager, Dean, he's nearly twenty five now and I think Gabriel is old enough to know who he wants"

Dean scoffed wiping his palms down his shorts. "He's twenty four…he is too young to get married, Cas!"

"They aren't even getting married, Dean, Gabriel was _talking _about it and hinting at the future" he snapped glaring at Dean who glared right back. "If Gabriel did propose to Sam and Sam said yes then you would have _no _control over his life. They are both consenting adults and you may be his brother, his big brother, but it's his life and his life alone. You do not control it…now shut up I'm trying to read"

Dean swallowed hard fixing his site instead on the water and pushed up walking towards it. Castiel looked over his shoulder confused watching him and frowned puzzled when he stripped off his shirt going in with his shorts on. He swallowed flipping onto his back to watch him as he dove under the water. Castiel was content to watch Dean swim in the water and raised an eyebrow when eventually he came out letting his eyes travel over his body and hummed.

"Well, Dean, that was a James Bond moment"

"Daniel Craig?"

"Who else" Castiel muttered zeroing in on the bulge Dean was showing in his wet shorts. He was thankful for his sunglasses at this moment.

"Wait…you hate Bond"

"Dean, that shot of Daniel Craig walking out in those trunks is a highlighted moment I was bound to see it" he said with a sniff tilting his head back to look at the sky and away.

Dean stifled a laugh and remained his composure as he straddled his thighs. Castiel gasped softly looking up at him and grimaced.

"Dean, you're getting me wet" he grumbled shoving at his chest.

"What kind of wet?" Dean murmured in a low voice gripping his wrists and pinning them above his head. Castiel lifted his head wary of everyone around and met Dean's eyes seeing the challenge shining deep inside of them.

"You are dripping sea water all over me and soaking me" he said wriggling underneath him and gasping when his cock gave an interested jerk hardening slowly. Dean cooed softly glancing down and rocked his hips against him teasingly slow.

"Ah, Dean, no!" he gasped struggling against the binding of his hands.

"You're hard for me"

"Are you surprised?"

"No" Dean murmured bending his head down to kiss behind his ear listening to him moan softly against his ear before letting go of him and rolling away leaving him hard and frustrated.

"What was that, Dean?"

"What?"

"You know what" he hissed pressing the palm into his hard cock and glared at Dean who smirked leaning back into the warm sand.

"Just casually teasing" he murmured.

Castiel opened his mouth and closed it with a snap shuffling over to him grabbing the towel to cover the both of them and shoving a hand down his pants. Dean gasped staring at him in shock as he wrapped a hand around his cock stroking the head slowly with his thumb feeling the wet stickiness of his come already.

"Are you hard for me, Dean?"

"Oh…fuck" Dean swore harshly letting his head fall back as desperately tried to stifle the noise. Castiel stroked him once quickly and roughly watching him keen and bite into his lip hard looking around.

"What's wrong, Dean, you look a little flushed"

"You son of a bitch"

"Now that's not nice" Castiel murmured jerking him off slowly and surely under the blanket looking at the sweat beading on his forehead, the lines of his neck, and his eyes wide with pleasure, panic, and desperation. Castiel loved it.

Dean squirmed underneath his touch moaning softly and Castiel knew when he was ready so he removed his hand and sat back.

"No" Dean gasped lurching up and pointing a shaky hand at him. "Don't…please"

"Come on, I feel like some ice cream" he murmured with a small smile standing up and walking away. Dean bunched the towel around his groin feeling very flushed and hot, his breath coming out quick and his eyes blurred a little watching Castiel stroll away lazily.

"I hate you so much" Dean breathed into his ear when he caught up.

"Don't ever tease me, Dean" he said with a little shrug. "Do you want some ice cream?"

"Fuck you"

"Maybe later" he whispered moving out of his space and towards the little stall. Dean breathed out rubbing the space between his eyes cursing him but still finding him attractive and even a little sexy.

The ride home that evening was frustrating for Dean who had managed to think of unsexy thoughts to keep his erection down and was seething on Castiel.

"Are you angry with me, Dean?"

"Yes"

"You did it first I only got my own revenge"

"Whatever" he murmured looking over to him staring back with wide blue eyes. "Don't you dare…"

"What?"

"Give me the puppy dog eyes"

"They work usually" Castiel murmured thoughtfully with a smile. "I enjoyed today, I think we should do it again soon. I miss spending time with you out in the real world"

"Cas, you and I are together twenty four seven"

"I know but it was good to be out" he said dreamily sinking back into the seat.

Castiel stared down at Elmo stretched out on the couch when they arrived home.

"Maybe we should get him a friend…I have always wanted a dog"

"Cas, do you not understand nature? Dogs and cats they don't mix"

"Not necessarily, Dean, I have watched many interesting YouTube videos"

"We are not getting a dog, Cas" he cried from the bedroom. "Leave it be"

Castiel rolled his eyes stroking Elmo and cast his eyes to the window with a thoughtful hum.

_**~0~0~0~0~ **_

_**December 2013**_

"Dean, please!" he pleaded getting onto his hands and knees in front of him.

"No!" Dean said for what felt like the millionth time as he turned down Castiel's attempts to get a border collie puppy that he had fallen in love with. "Elmo will kill it; the demon cat will not like competition"

Since the disagreement in August, Castiel had desperately trying to trick Dean into giving in and letting them have a dog. Life had gone by slowly and surely since summer with nothing major happening to them at all. Castiel kept his secret, Dean fought his own inner feelings and Gabriel sobbed into Sam's chest regularly about how they were ruining his life.

"I will take care of her, I will feed her, bathe her, take her walks and we'll keep them apart and we can train her to like Elmo" he pleaded climbing into his lap.

"Sex will not work as much as I like you fucking me" he murmured looking up at him with a knowing look. "You use sex as a tool"

"You didn't give in"

"I knew what you were doing idiot"

"Dean, please" he whispered into his ear biting into the lobe.

"No"

Castiel sighed softly leaning against him. "Fine"

Dean watched him get off him with raised eyebrows when he walked away looking wounded as he scooped up Elmo. He glanced over to their Christmas tree with pursued lips and knew he was going to be in a lot of trouble. Christmas in two days' time and Castiel was desperate to get her but not without Dean's permission which he would not grant.

Problem was for Dean that he had given in a long time ago when he decided to adopt her and give her to Castiel on Christmas Day but he didn't know that. Dean knew it was cruel and he hated seeing the hurt in his eyes every time he looked over to him and the mournful looks as he stared at her online.

It was a matter of time until he got her tomorrow and gave her to the neighbour who he had a struck a deal with, she would keep the dog, he would pay her and done. Dean was secretly looking forward to the look on his face when he opened up the parcel.

Christmas Eve came with a bang as Castiel sulked on the couch eating crisps and watching crap Christmas films while he went out. He smiled when he went to the centre and looked down at the black and white border collie who wriggled her little butt in excitement as he collected her and took her home.

"Cas is going to love you but Elmo…not so much" he murmured when the pup licked at his chin delighted at her new owner. He placed her in the front in a box and petted her once before driving off back home and knocking on their neighbour's door.

"I'll be over first thing and thank you for this!" he hissed giving her the box and nodding at her as the door closed over. Dean opened the door and winced at the Christmas songs blasting.

"Cas, what the hell"

"It's Christmas Eve!" he said spreading his arms. "I'm celebrating"

"You're insane" he murmured dropping his keys and jacket on the side. "Celebrate tomorrow"

"Not much to celebrate" he murmured with a pout.

"You're still pissed at me"

"Yes! It's a puppy, Dean, not a piranha" he said with a frown. "You can be cruel at times"

"Oh yes"

"Dean" he murmured with a sigh.

"I'm not changing my mind, stop being a baby" he said casually moving into the bedroom. Castiel looked after him and sighed deeply bringing the cushion to his chest with a pout.

That night, Dean crawled into Castiel's bed staring at him as he stared up at the ceiling with a frown.

"What's wrong?"

"I think…I think I heard barking coming from next door"

"You're losing it, she doesn't have a dog"

"I know" he whispered with a frown. "I can't sleep"

"Is my present good?"

"You'll have to wait and see"

"Oh I will" Dean murmured pressing closer to him as he breathed in and out slowly feeling Castiel relax against him as they drifted off together.

Christmas morning arrived to Dean's inner excitement as he woke up and looked over to a sleeping Castiel on his back fast asleep. He smirked slipping out and creeping out of the bedroom to next door. He knocked and smiled at their neighbour who bid him a merry Christmas as they exchanged money for puppy.

"She was very good"

"Good" Dean murmured with an eye roll as they said their goodbyes and he stepped inside with the sleeping pup in the box. He knelt in the hallway pulling out the red ribbon and tying it around her neck as she yipped at him.

"Shush!" he ordered stroking her head and walking to the bedroom. "Cas…Cas!"

"W-what" Castiel cried out sitting up and clutching his head. "Dean?"

"It's Christmas!"

"I know but we are no longer children who wake up at the crack of dawn!" he hissed when Dean crooked his finger at him. Castiel stopped when he halted him at the foot of the door.

"Dean, what are you doing?"

"This is your only present"

"Okay?"

"Promise me you'll love it"

"I'll love it" he said with narrowed eyes. "What's going on?"

Dean stepped back and looked over to the box were Castiel was now looking at the pup hanging over the edge panting happily. Castiel sucked in a sharp breath gaping at Dean who smirked as the puppy yelped eagerly wriggling till Castiel stumbled over picking her up.

"Dean" he croaked in awe, his eyes shining with tears.

"I couldn't exactly say yes could I?"

"I can't…I can't believe you did this" he whispered staring down at the wriggling puppy in his arms with a smile. "You got her for me for Christmas"

"She's yours that's why"

Elmo watched disinterested from the couch as the puppy showered her love on Castiel who pulled at the red ribbon with a chuckle.

"I'm going to call her Holly" he murmured nuzzling the top of her head before walking over to him. "I can't believe you did this"

"Merry Christmas and shit" he said with a chuckle and stopped when Castiel stopped him placing Holly on the floor so she could roam around.

"No…you did this for me, you planned this all out and I didn't know a thing"

"It's called Christmas, Cas, you weren't meant to know" he said with an offhand shrug.

Castiel pulled him into a hard hug burying his face into the side of his face with a choked sob. Dean rubbed a hand down his back confused but believing as he stared at Holly staring up at Elmo.

"It's okay, Cas"

"No, no, it's not" he whispered pulling back and touching his cheek with his fingertips.

"Why isn't it?"

Castiel swallowed the tears back down and looked away for a moment regaining his breath.

"Because…because when the person you are in love with buys you a puppy it's a little more than a thank you and gift exchange" he whispered staring up at him.

"What?" Dean murmured with a blink.

"Do I have to repeat myself?"

"Yes!"

Castiel laughed with no humour staring deep into his eyes as he said it.

"Dean, I'm in love with you"


	33. Chapter 33

_**2014**_

Castiel wasn't sure how the worst start of the year could turn out to be the best near the end of it. He was more than sure you could die of a broken heart after Christmas 2013 when he admitted his most kept secret and stared at the flickering confusion and surprise on Dean's face as he stared at him for minutes on end. Dean didn't answer as he walked away from him and into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. Holly sniffed around the room and Elmo watched the new member of the family with fierce eyes.

If anyone at the time had asked him how it felt to finally tell Dean how he really felt he would have told them it was like finding a solution to a lifelong problem and knowing it was finally over. The relief washed over him but at the back there was the hurt and confusion of not having the right reaction as he watched Dean pointedly ignore him to make breakfast. He kept his silence as he sat down on the couch watching Holly who wandered over to him jumping onto his knee panting happily. Castiel had fallen in love with her too as he scooped her up and chuckled when she licked at his chin and cheeks.

His attention soon turned to Dean who came over handing his tea and sat down in the opposite seat almost afraid to meet his eyes.

"Come on, Dean, I tell you I'm in love with you and you're acting like I've told you I am a serial killer" he said softly staring at him.

"I don't understand…"

"What's so hard to understand?"

"Why are you telling me now? How long?"

"Because it felt like the right moment and…years" he said honestly stroking a hand through Holly's fur softly. "I fell in love with you, Dean, is it really so hard to imagine? I'm more than sure that Gabriel and Sam have spoken to you on more than one occasion"

Dean looked down and Castiel nodded getting his answer.

"So you've been in love with me all this time?"

"Yes"

"Through everything" he said looking up to him with narrowed eyes.

"Define everything"

"Everything, Cas, our whole friends with benefits, you leaving for months on end, our huge fight that ended up with me being stabbed at the end of it and everything else!"

"Yes, okay, yes" he cried rubbing behind Holly's ears. "I kept my silence because I didn't know how to tell you"

"When did you fall in love with me?"

"I don't exactly know when it happened but it was near the beginning"

"All these years, Cas" he whispered in disbelief. "You should have told me"

"What would you have done?"

Dean blinked at him and Castiel smiled with no emotion. "You'd react exactly like you're reacting now in confusion, in doubt, and in disbelief. Is it really so hard to believe? I tried to tell you once…it was during your breakdown in April when I asked you if you truly didn't see it"

Dean narrowed his eyes thoughtfully as if he was trying to remember the conversation and he did.

"This is what you were talking about? Jesus, Cas, you should have just told me instead of dragging it out for months on end! If you love me so much then why did you fight me so much? Why did you leave last Christmas leaving me here…all alone…I needed you. Why did you take off for six months leaving me again all alone and again I needed you? Yeah…I clearly saw it"

"What? Dean, I left because I wanted to find myself and you had…you had slept with all those people whilst sleeping with me and I was hurt. The fight between us last Christmas was necessary because we let out pent up anger and frustration but I also regret it so much because you were hurt as a result but you're focusing on the negative here. Love is not sunshine and roses, Dean, it hurts, it's the worst and most pleasurable feeling in the world and to love you, Dean…it's like having a lorry smash into you over and over again. You have no idea how hard it is because you don't feel the same way" he said staring at Dean who stared right back unflinchingly.

"I can never be with anyone else, I can't love anyone else, and do you know how _hard _that is? I wish I could, I sometimes wish I didn't love you" he said slowly looking away from him.

"Why"

"So I don't have to wake up every day wanting to kiss you good morning, hug you when you're feeling sad after a shift at work, to take you in that bedroom and make love to you and desperately wanting you to see it and feel the same way about me. You're my best friend…we're not meant to fall in love with our best friends" he said in a broken voice and sighed softly closing his eyes. "Who knew Christmas could be so emotional?"

"You started it" Dean murmured with a snort. "I didn't know you felt that way"

"Well of course not" he muttered. "Just because I left you both times and we argue doesn't mean I don't love you. You underestimate the power of love" he murmured looking over to him. "I'm not expecting you to say it back but I felt I had to say it…you bought me a puppy, Dean"

Dean swallowed brushing his hands on his pants and standing up to go into the toilet. Castiel closed his eyes staring at Holly who was nosing along the couch happily snuffling along. He reached out cuddling her and looked over to Elmo and knew that if looks could kill he would be dead right now.

"I still love you too" he murmured. "She's new though and she's mine because technically you are Dean's"

Castiel had to wait a good twenty minutes before Dean came out with no expression or emotion on his face as he faced him.

"I don't know what to do about this but I think for now we should just…push it aside. It's Christmas and I am not arguing, fighting, or anything like that today" he said with a nod looking at Castiel who stared back at him with wide eyes. If Dean could sense his feelings he would see the unbearable hurt. It felt like being back in high school when you liked someone for so long, you dreamt of them, you created scenarios in your head that would bring you together, you'd imagine the conversations in your head, and sometimes you would flirt with them hoping they saw you and then it was all ruined when you saw that said person flirting with someone else or they simply didn't feel the same way. It was the same overwhelming sense of sadness, heartbreak, and even self-doubt you felt afterwards when you tried to convince yourself that you didn't really like them but when you got home, you got into your bedroom, you sat on the bed and you cried till your eyes, chest, and heart were sore.

"I agree" Castiel whispered before leaving Dean with Holly and moving into the bathroom to shower. To say he cried silently in the shower wouldn't be a lie as he crumbled feeling like a complete and utter fool for laying his heart on the line in a doubtful hope that Dean would somehow feel the same way. But he regained composure as he washed away the tears and stepped out wrapping a towel around his hips and padded out to see Dean sitting on the couch staring into space.

"Here" Castiel said handing him his present. Dean blinked staring at the green wrapping paper, unwrapping it and staring at the tickets to see Metallica live.

"Cas…"

"You keep mentioning their tour and I do get hints just like you" he said with a smile leaving him to it as he walked into the bedroom to get dressed. Dean swallowed staring at the tickets for next year and breathed out trying to fight the feelings screaming in his chest. The hours soon passed by as they danced around each other and brought Holly with them as they walked over to the Milton household for Christmas dinner and gift exchange. They were greeted with a cheerful chorus that made Castiel want to turn tail and get far away from the lot of them. He was no longer feeling that Christmas cheer.

"Oh she's adorable" Karen cooed as they all stole Holly away as she yelped and barked at them excitedly.

"She loves attention" Dean said with a roll of his eyes as he got talking with Sam and Gabriel who was a very clever and saw through his little brother's façade.

"Come out into the garden" Gabriel murmured tugging him out and walking him down the path so they were at the back of the garden. "Okay, what's going on?"

"Why do you assume something has happened?"

"I just know…you look like someone has kicked and hurt that bloody puppy in front of you or something or better yet Dean has done something to hurt you"

Castiel closed his eyes for a moment and shrugged once up and down. "I told him I was in love with him and he didn't take it too great. It was after he gave me Holly and I just…I think…no I know that I fell in love with him all over again and I just had to tell him but the reaction wasn't good. I opened my heart and he couldn't take it" he said staring at Gabriel and looking away. "It…it was like a physical blow to the chest, Gabe, and I guess it's what I should have expected and guessed but when the truth is finally shown to you…it hurts"

Gabriel blinked seeing the tears in Castiel's eyes as he breathed out shakily covering his mouth and was furious. He hated Dean more than anything in the world right now but was anger really what his brother needed right now? So Gabriel did what he could and pulled him into a bone crushing hug that Castiel accepted as he squeezed his eyes shut feeling the moisture spill over and down his cheeks.

"He's a complete asshole and he doesn't realise it yet. He doesn't realise how amazing you are and he will regret it one day" Gabriel hissed slapping him once on the back and pulling away. "I'll make him!"

"Don't, Gabriel, don't say a word about it. He doesn't love me back like I thought he could"

"Fuck" Gabriel said viciously kicking a stone. "You two have had sex for fuck sake"

"Sex is sex" he said with a shrug. "It was bound to happen"

"What are you guys doing out here?!" Anna shouted opening the door.

"Come on"

"Give me a minute" Castiel said waving a hand at him and listening to Gabriel walk back inside as he stared at the dead flowers in the ground. Winter was a killer.

Gabriel smiled kissing Sam when he walked in and looking over to Dean who glanced over to them with a fierce glare. Dean sheepishly looked away and Sam sent a questioning look at Gabriel.

"I'll tell you later" Gabriel murmured walking into the living room. "Okay, where's my present?!"

Castiel sat at the bench staring up at the grey white sky smelling snow in the air and shivered in the coldness surrounding him. It occurred to him sitting there that he would have to move on, he'd have to find someone else and actually _move on _or could he just wait till Dean got a proper grip in what he had said and adjusted to it? He sighed feeling a headache coming on and moved heading back into the house ignoring the questioning look directed over to him.

"Merry Christmas mom" he said in greeting hugging her tight and ignoring the two pair of eyes focused on his back. Christmas went along slowly and tiredly till eventually at around 10pm when everyone was feeling sleepy was when they went home with Holly asleep in Castiel's arms.

"Is there any reason Gabriel was shooting death glares at me all day and night?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask him?"

"No I value my life" he muttered staring up at the sky. "You told him what you said didn't you?"

"Yes"

"Now he hates me"

"Gabriel has always held a certain dislike for you, Dean, I wouldn't be surprised"

"Cas?" Dean said stopping in the street to look at him.

Castiel turned holding Holly close and meeting his eyes. "What?"

"Do you want to talk about this now?"

"Talk about what?"

"You know what!"

"I told you I am in love with you, I explained myself, and you don't love me back…do you?"

"I don't know how I feel"

"I never expected you to feel the same way, Dean, because you're emotionally stunted"

Dean opened his mouth shocked watching him turn on his heel and walk down the street. He followed after him feeling sheepish and peculiar as he followed him up to the apartment. Castiel led Holly into his bedroom before coming out to see Dean staring down at his tickets with an odd expression.

"Do you really think I am emotionally stunted?"

"Dean, you don't do relationships or love"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Have you ever been in love?"

"No but that doesn't mean I ever will! You have no idea how I feel, Cas"

Castiel smiled at him sadly. "Then tell me"

"I don't know how" he murmured watching him as he walked over.

"Dean, I told you because you deserved to finally know after all these years and I am not accepting a declaration of love from you because I know you, I know you better than anyone else and I know that one day you'll make the right decision. You know what to do if that day ever comes but for now let's just carry on like normal" he said touching his cheek and smiling when he leaned into it.

"You really think we can just carry on normal?"

"Of course we can…it would only be us making it weird and awkward" he said removing his hand and looking to the kitchen. "Can I try that eggnog?"

"Sure" Dean muttered with a blink watching him walk into the kitchen leaving Dean to stare at the tickets with a sense of self-doubt coursing through him.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

It was only a matter of time before the whole situation was pushed to the back of their minds as the days passed into a blur as they said goodbye to 2013 and hello to 2014. The weeks then passed as they settled back into work. Life just went by like it should but still Dean caught himself at work, his new work, he somehow managed to get work in a small practise and remembered that Castiel was in love with him. It was like a shock to the system as he realised by how much he had pushed it to one side because Castiel had never brought it up again. Things between them had been a little tense at first but it just faded into the back like they both seemed to want. He often wondered how it could have been so easy and the feeling made him uneasy.

It seemed Gabriel and Sam had given completely up on the pair of them and they made this announcement loud and clear every single time they came to see them. Dean was sick of seeing the hating eyes directed over to him and the sympathetic ones directed over to Castiel who scowled back. Dean knew exactly what he meant. But as the weeks passed so did the months and the general sense of unease spread though Dean when he realised Castiel was spending time with friends from his word, going out at the weekends, texting one person in particular and Dean knew he couldn't object because Castiel was allowed other friends but sometimes it was like being when you were a little child and _no one _was allowed near your favourite friend or toy.

Dean was not prepared for what he walked into when he came home one day in May to see Castiel sat with some man pouring over books.

"Oh hello!" he said in a cheerful voice looking up at him. Dean zeroed in on the ruffled dark brown hair, light brown eyes, and stylish glasses. He was fairly attractive and Dean automatically didn't like him one bit.

"Dean! This is Kieran Hobbs, Kieran, this is Dean" he said gesturing between them. "Kieran is the history teacher in the school"

"Oh right…nice to meet you" Dean said with a nod pulling off his jacket and heading into the kitchen. Castiel smiled at Kieran before jumping up and joining him in the kitchen.

"Dean, are you okay?"

"Fine, so who is he?"

"I just introduced you" Castiel replied with a confused frown.

"I've never seen or heard about him"

"He's new, brand new, and we've got talking lately and he also has a great love for art. He's a friend and I told him about some books I had and well…" he said looking over his shoulder. "This isn't going to be a problem is it?"

"No where's Holly?"

"Cuddling with Elmo on the bed" he said with a small frown watching him stroll into his bedroom. Castiel closed his eyes for a moment before re-joining Kieran who flashed him a warm smile. Dean stared at the dopey puppy cuddled up to his best friend, Elmo, and shook his head at the pair of them. Surprisingly to Castiel and Dean they had bonded after initial wariness and were the best of friends.

"Hey girl" he murmured stroking her and smiling when she barked jumping right at him to lick and fawn over him because she could. "How are you? Have you been good? Is Elmo still bullying you a little?"

"So that is the famous Dean Winchester" Kieran murmured into his ear. "He is gorgeous"

Castiel flicked a glance over to him and nodded mutely closing the book. Dean remained in the bedroom with Holly and Elmo instead of going out there and listened to the hushed whispering, the quiet laughter and eventually the goodbyes with a pain in his chest he couldn't explain. It was easy to ignore then confront, right?

Castiel walked to the bedroom door after saying goodbye to Kieran who squeezed his hand with a familiar look in his eye that made Castiel feel very uneasy. Dean was dozing with the two animals dozing against him, Holly on his legs, and Elmo taking residence on his legs.

"Well aren't you a regular Dr Doolittle" he said startling Dean awake and smiling at him.

"Is Kieran still here?"

"No…he's gone"

"So what's the deal?"

"There is no deal, Dean; he's a friend I invited over. I'm more than sure you have other friends than me"

"Sure I do but I don't bring them here"

"Well you should I'd like to meet them" he said patting his knee. "I feel like a takeout"

"Um, okay" Dean said swallowing and watching him jump up and go to fetch the phone and order their usual. It never changed. Dean pushed up off the bed glancing at the sleeping cat and dog for a moment before padding out to see Castiel on the phone swaying gently to the radio playing music.

"_He could be yours" _the little voice that betrayed him every single time whispered in his mind. Dean was lost in his own little world when Castiel suddenly appeared in his vision and he jumped stepping away from him.

"Are you okay? You look a little peaky.

"_He wants to kiss you good morning and good night, he wants you to be his, he wants to hug you when you're feeling sad, he could be all yours and no one else's…think about that" _

"I'm fine" he murmured with a fake smile.

"It'll be here in an hour the guy said and he said hello" he said with a snort of laughter.

Dean hummed in response rubbing his forehead and flopping down on the couch with a tired sigh not knowing how to feel, how to react, and how to get rid of the stupid voice in the back of his mind.

It was after that, that Dean had to watch and seethe quietly as the budding friendship of Kieran and Castiel moved on and up in the world. In Dean's eyes they were growing closer and closer and he saw the lust in Kieran's eyes every time he came over and it made Dean want to punch him over and over again. It was like torture but there was nothing in his eyes he could do about it because he didn't want to fight with Castiel anymore. Fighting did nothing good and it would only separate them further then already were. All Dean could do was watch and wait for the moment Castiel announced that yes they were now dating and laugh manically at Dean.

The idea was ridiculous of course for Dean who buried his face into his hands when he thought about it. It was just torture.

Castiel stared across at Kieran who was rambling on and on about this trip he wanted to take to Paris to see the art there and the history and then onto different countries he didn't care about. Castiel liked Kieran, he was funny, sweet, kind, and had a gentle personality which was nice and calming but with a side of boring. He was predictable in a way that made him want to roll his eyes and say his goodbyes. He missed Dean.

"Can I do something?" Kieran said softly startling him out of his thoughts as he nodded and blinked when he leaned over pressing a soft kiss to his lips. Castiel stared at him as he moved away and swallowed not knowing what to say.

"I've been dying to do that…I hope it wasn't bad of me" he said suddenly looking worried.

"No…no…its fine" he murmured with a nod. "Just surprised"

"You must know that I like you a lot" he murmured flushing a gentle pink.

"I didn't" Castiel murmured feeling his chest tighten a little at the sudden admission.

"I think you should come with me"

"Excuse me?" Castiel said stunned.

"On my travels…I think we should go together"

"What? Kieran, we have lives here, good jobs, and I have Dean, Holly, and Elmo and I have already turned down one offer to travel the world. My friend, Balthazar asked me a long time ago if I wanted to go and I turned it down…he's now in Africa and I barely speak to him" Castiel said with a suffering sigh. "I can't just up and leave"

"Why not? I'd love a travel partner and the jobs?! They are nothing" he said with a scoff. "Just…think about it"

Castiel stared at the booklet he handed him and watched him as he collected his stuff and walked out of the pub they were at. He stared down at the booklet in his hands and wandered why suddenly everyone wanted him to run away with them to different countries. He knew he couldn't do it of course because he would not leave Dean despite the fact it broke his heart every day to see him. It was typically cliché of course but it did. It was the same pain endlessly knowing that Dean knew, he knew everything, but still after all these months nothing had changed between them apart from a little more affection from both parties. He was more than used to feeling Dean's presence next to him on the bed but he longed to feel his breath on the nape of his neck or his lips on his spine. He secretly and desperately missed the sex between them and longed for that as much as he longed for Dean.

More than anything though he longed to move on from him and for once wished it was actually someone else he longed for. Dean was typing at the laptop when he walked in and threw down the booklet with a frown.

"What's that?"

"Booklet from Kieran"

"Oh" Dean murmured with a frown. "What did he want?"

"Just to talk and…kiss me" he murmured watching him as he turned to face him quickly.

"He kissed you?!"

"Yes" Castiel murmured folding his arms over his chest looking and feeling puzzled. "I mean he's shown an interest…"

"An interest, Cas, he pants after you like a dog!" Dean said with a scowl of disgust. "Did you kiss him back?"

"No and is that any of your concern if I did?"

"Well no but I was just…"

"What, Dean? Does it bother you that I may have kissed him back?"

"No and why should it?" Dean snapped turning back to his laptop.

Castiel smirked feeling devious as he sat down and stared at Dean pointedly ignoring him.

"Oh I don't know, Dean, you're looking a little angry"

"I'm not angry you can kiss who you want when you want…even dicks like Mr Perfect"

"He's not perfect, Dean, he's boring" he said with a roll of his eyes.

Dean snorted amused typing away and still ignoring Castiel's looks.

"What if I told you he invited me to come travelling with him" he said and smiled when Dean looked up with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I know, I had the same reaction, but apparently he wants to travel to Paris to see the art and wants me to come with him" he said with a smile.

"That's ridiculous! You've only just returned to work for fuck sake!" Dean cried slamming the laptop down. "You can't be seriously kidding this"

"So what if I was? It's not like I have anything to stay for" he spat at Dean who flinched meeting his eyes dead on.

"Is this the awkwardness and tension finally coming to life after nine months?" Dean said with a scoff. "Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you and him, Cas?"

"Hmm, maybe one or two"

"So you flaunted it in front of me?"

"Why, Dean, are you admitting to jealously?" he hissed over to him. "I never flaunted anything! We are friends…"

"Oh yeah sure! Friends who kiss and who are going to go travelling together!" he shouted at him.

Castiel laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of what Dean had just said.

"You are absurd! You are not allowed to say that to me! You are ridiculous" Castiel said breathless. Dean opened his mouth to retort back when the door opened full burst startling Holly who was whimpering quietly in front of the door as Sam and Gabriel strolled in.

"Keys are for emergencies!" Castiel cried at Gabriel who simply smirked at him.

"We were feeling bored" he said looking between and frowned looking to Sam. "Is it just me or are we disturbing something?"

"Oh nothing at all"

"Oh that's right, just run away from an argument" Dean cried after him.

"I never run away from an argument!"

"You're running away from an argument now! I am not ridiculous, he kissed you and now you're going to go travelling with him"

"I never said that, Dean! He asked me and told me to think about it! I have never expressed an interest in going travelling with him or even in Kieran!" Castiel shouted at him angrily.

Sam and Gabriel glanced at each other both feeling very uncomfortable. "Should we intervene…?"

"No, no, no, let them fight it out" he murmured dragging him into the living room discreetly.

"Are you really that stupid, Dean?"

"Oh so now I'm stupid and ridiculous? Wow, Cas, I'm feeling the love here"

Castiel covered his eyes with a breath of laughter. "You're absurd…"

"Oh keep them coming, Cas, is there anything else I am?"

"You're an insufferable idiot for even thinking I'd just leave you…I made you a promise remember"

"Yeah and you left…and I was stabbed"

"Whoa, Dean…" Sam said and grunted when Gabriel slapped a hand over his mouth.

"No, don't…just let them" Gabriel murmured with a look in his eyes until Sam nodded falling back.

"How dare you use that against me because you're being petty and jealous over nothing at all, Dean. You know how much I regret leaving you behind like that and I had to watch you die! You have no idea how that felt…"

"Oh I do! So did you when that car slammed into you after I made the worst mistake ever when I let you down and you walked away from me!"

"You slept with other people whilst sleeping with me…I was in love with you, I _am _so in love with you and you stood there telling me it was nothing! You have _no _idea how it felt because you are not me! It was like being stabbed myself and I had to walk away from you, Dean, because in that moment you broke my heart, you continue to break my heart over and over and I take it because…_I can't lose you. _You are everything to me and yet even after all these months you forget and you push me away and I let you!" he said closing his eyes and feeling tears prickle behind them. "I question myself everyday about why I am here and why am I not leaving but then I remember my promise to you and how could I leave again so I'm going to ask you, Dean fucking Winchester" he said moving towards him.

"Give me one good reason to stay"

If anyone at all asked Gabriel what happened he would simply keep his silence and smile because after ten years of hoping, praying, winging, and shouting at the pair of them he was allowed.

Castiel ignored the aches from lying on the hard surface of the table as his hands eagerly clutched at Dean on top of the kitchen table. To say they hadn't kissed in a very long time was an understatement as they kissed till their lips was swollen, their jaw ached and they were hungry for one another.

"Dean" Castiel moaned in question and gasped when Dean jumped off pulling him towards him so he could wrap his legs around his waist and carry him into the bedroom.

"Oh god your mouth" Dean moaned as they tumbled onto the mattress and he bit and caressed the mouth with his tongue and lips. Castiel eagerly hummed and smiled into the kiss as his hands travelled lower and he pulled back to gaze at him.

"This isn't a jealously act is it? It is a little sudden after nine months, Dean"

"Cas, I've been feeling like this for…I don't even know but what do I do best?"

"You shut them away"

"Yes and it takes my beautiful best friend to force them out and make me realise how…how important you are and how much I…" he said and trailed off.

"Yes" Castiel teased stroking his cheek and grinning when he kissed him softly.

"Do I have to say it?"

"Yes!"

Dean flushed crowding him in close and nodded pressing his lips into his ear. "That I…I love you"

"I love you too" he whispered and chuckled when Dean wrapped them up in the blanket so they were cocooned together in their own little world with one little kiss at a time.

**A/N: *collapses in relief whimpering***


	34. Chapter 34

_**2014**_

In Dean's opinion it's been a whirlwind. It's a little overwhelming and scary when your best friend confronts you and everything in your mind snaps together like a crazy confused puzzle. Dean of course was questioned by Sam who took him aside and asked him outright what made him change his mind and Dean honestly couldn't pick an answer. Ten years is a very long time and apparently for nearly half of it Castiel had been in love with him and Dean struggled with his own feelings. He locked them away because he could, he denied what was in his heart all along and it took real confrontation and the real fear of losing him to another man. Dean was needy and possessive over him and he wouldn't deny it but during the time of doubt and self-denial there was also the overwhelming fear of what would he do if he lost him or if their relationship failed? Dean couldn't lose him. So he stared at Castiel while he was up in his personal space and realised what he felt for him in that moment. It was like a safe being unlocked and a flood of strangely scary and wanted feelings came flooding out and that was it. In Sam's words and it seemed like everyone one else's, "it was about fucking time"

But now it was all open for Dean he couldn't get enough of him as he kissed, caressed, and fucked him into the mattress for days on end. He loved being able to pull him to his chest and kiss him knowing that he was his and no one else's. It was a delicious feeling that ran inside of his veins hot and strong as he held him close listening to him breathe against his ear with a hum of content. Castiel was his now and no one was ever taking him away.

Castiel was happy. It had been ten years of unresolved sexual tension that was sometimes resolved in unnecessary sex, car accidents, stabbings, two deaths, and a whole lot of denial mostly on Dean's behalf. They took their two week trip to Egypt leaving Holly and Elmo with a very disgruntled Sam and Gabriel. It was hot sun, sex, alcohol, and visiting the pyramids in Cairo. Castiel instantly fell in love with the sights and would happily live there if it wasn't for the sun which nearly killed Dean who suffered twice from heat stroke and sun burn. It was the second to last day in Egypt when they were lying naked on the bed curled around each other and Dean was trailing his fingers up and down his hip bone watching the goose pimples rise up on his skin thinking about _everything_.

"Thank you for taking me here" Castiel murmured meeting his eyes and seeing the wonder dance inside them. "I'd love to stay here"

"You told me just yesterday you miss the pup and cat" Dean muttered amused and pressed a kiss on his shoulder inhaling the smell of sun, sand, and sun lotion. "This heat is killing me. I can't do it anymore. I want to go home"

"You'll want to come back in a few weeks"

"Nope" Dean murmured continuing to kiss his shoulder, collarbone, clavicle, and finally lips. Kissing him was like air and Dean realised now what he had been missing tasting the sweet citrus from the cocktail he had earlier.

"You kiss me too much" Castiel said with a chuckle as he was pulled towards Dean and pushed him onto his back.

"How can I kiss you too much? We haven't kissed in years! I'm making up for lost time" he murmured watched Castiel as he straddled his waist dropping his legs either side of his waist, his cock lying heavy on his stomach and a small smile playing on his lips.

"It took you long enough"

"If…if I hadn't come to sense…would you have moved on?"

"Yes"

"Seriously"

"Dean, you had no idea how you felt and I didn't want to linger behind you for years again so I made the decision and…Kieran could have been it"

Castiel smiled at the set jaw and disapproving eyes as Dean trailed his hands up his thighs slowly up and down. He moaned grabbing the wandering hands and linking their hands together brushing a kiss over his knuckles.

"I still love you and would have still loved you"

"Whatever" Dean murmured tugging him down into a hard kiss flicking his tongue into his mouth and wriggling so he was resting against the headboard. His cock twitched underneath Castiel's ass cheeks and he moaned when he shifted back rubbing against it.

"Cas" he whined closing his eyes and letting his head fall back.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Ride me"

"Get the lube" Castiel ordered watching him as he pulled up snatching it off the side.

"Do you want me to…?"

"No, Dean, I want you to sit there and look pretty"

"Smartass" Dean muttered with narrowed eyes uncapping it and spreading the smooth gel over his fingers. "Lift up then"

"So commanding"

"I'll show you commanding" Dean muttered as he shoved a finger into the tight hole and smirked when Castiel gasped hands finding his shoulders for purchase as Dean pushed a second one in wriggling and scissoring his fingers to loosen him up.

"You're gorgeous like this" Dean whispered staring up at him as he edged a third finger inside him and watched entranced as they disappeared in and out of his body. "I could be inside you forever"

"Please" Castiel moaned thrusting down on his fingers. "I'm ready"

"So bossy"

Dean removed his fingers and gasped when Castiel's hand wrapped around his cock as he shifted levelling up and sinking down in one quick thrust. Dean moaned at the sudden hot heat, his hands scrambling at his back as Castiel gripped the back of his neck pressing his lips against his forehead.

"Cas, fuck"

"That's the idea" he breathed as he rocked his hips thrusting up and down as he rode him slowly. Dean loved this; he could do this every minute of the day if he didn't feel it hours later when his cock and asshole were sore. It was slow, deep, and hot like they sometimes liked it. Castiel called it making love and Dean called him a girl every single time he said it.

"Faster, Cas, move faster" Dean urged gripping his hips digging his nails into the hot skin rolling his hips sinking deeper inside of him. Castiel groaned in encouragement as he thrusted up and down increasing speed feeling Dean push against his prostrate sending shoots of pleasure all around him. Castiel wrapped a hand around his own cock palming himself and thrusting into his own heart before clamping down and crying out as he climaxed. Dean gasped at the sudden tight heat surrounding him and the hot splash of come splattering his stomach and it didn't take him too long to follow. Castiel hummed slumping against him feeling the warmth fill him up. Dean gasped against his neck running his hands up and down his back breathing in the smell of sex and heat.

"I love you" Castiel murmured into his ear hearing him grunt in confirmation as he switched the air con on and breathed out a sigh of relief when cold air wafted around them.

"You're okay I suppose" Dean whispered into his ear nipping at the shell and pulling back to look at him. "Come on…sleepy time"

Castiel hummed in agreement as they moved into position with Dean curling him into his body and he became the little spoon.

But of course reality came crashing into them when they returned home from a 12 hour journey exhausted and staring around their apartment in wonder.

"It feels strange" Castiel murmured watching Dean collapse face first on the sofa. "I don't know if I'm happy or sad"

"I'm fucking happy…I hate planes!" Dean cried muffled into the cushions. "I also hate you"

"No you don't" Castiel said ruffling his hair as he passed and walked into the bedroom with a happy sigh to see their bed. "Come on, Dean, nap time before we pick up the kids"

"Hilarious" Dean drawled climbing into the bed next to him as they wrapped around each other soon drifting off into a content sleep. They woke up to the sounds of persistent knocking and Dean stumbled to the door to see Gabriel who shoved Elmo into his arms and allowed an overjoyed Holly to bark and jump at him.

"Bye!"

"Dick!" Dean shouted as he hushed Holly and put Elmo on the floor who meowed walking away. He shook his head as he bent down and smiled at a whimpering Holly licking his face.

"Cas!" he shouted watching as he walked out and opened his arms for Holly who scampered over to him nearly knocking him over. "I think she missed us, Elmo didn't"

"Of course he did" he murmured cooing at Holly and looking over to Elmo chilling on the sofa. "Who was it?"

"Gabriel practically shoved them on me" he said with a scowl rubbing his eyes and stretching out his back. "How long were we out?"

"Good few hours"

"I could do with a few more"

"You're so lazy" Castiel said amused looking up at him. "What?"

Dean stared at him thoughtfully and shook his head. "Nothing"

Castiel blinked confused and kissed the top of Holly's head before standing up and fussing over the suitcases. Dean watched him and wondered what would have happened if he hadn't come to senses and missed out on _this. _It would sound sad to anyone else that he was in love for the first time in 28 years of life but it was true and he knew no one would come close ever again. How could they? His thoughts took him back to that night on the hill when it was just the two of them watching the stars and talking about the future and one subject in particular, marriage. Dean didn't know if he was the marriage type but he knew given the chance he probably would marry him. He really did want to wake up to the same face every day, kiss him, hold him, and fuck him for the rest of his life.

These were his inner thoughts of course and he would never admit them to anyone but himself or Elmo if he was too drunk. Dean moved over wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing a kiss into the crease of his neck.

"Dean" Castiel said in question tilting his head towards him.

"Am I not allowed to do this?"

"Yes you are but I'm trying to sort out our suitcases which I know you will leave for weeks till I nag you into moving your crap into the washing machine" he said twisting in his arms and narrowing his eyes thoughtfully. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Never better" he murmured pulling him into a kiss and pushed him away gently. "Go on then, act like the little wife"

"You're not funny"

"I'm hilarious"

Castiel rolled his eyes wheeling the two into the kitchen to sort and leaving Dean with his thoughts as he thought of marriage and honestly scared himself. Love was scary.

Christmas soon rolled around after that as the snow started to fall, sales went up, decorations came out and the same Christmas song played over and over again in shops. It was that time of the year and Dean couldn't honestly decide whether he liked it or not and Castiel was exactly the same. They were walking through the park on the way from town wrapped up in coats, scarfs, and Castiel was wearing a beanie hat that Dean had forced on him and Dean wanted to gush like a big girl.

"Cas!" Dean cried out catching his attention as he turned around and gasped when Dean threw a snowball at him which caught him in the chest.

"Dean!" he said outraged while Dean howled with laughter at the look on his face. Castiel scooped down collecting snow as he launched it at him catching him off guard so it hit the back of his head.

"Oh" Castiel muttered covering his mouth and smiling amused as the fight escalated and Dean chased him out into the field chucking snow at him. It resulted in Dean tackling a pink cheeked Castiel into the snow as he huffed shoving at him.

"You weigh a ton!"

"Are you calling me fat?"

"No, muscled, toned, and beautiful but still a ton"

"Yeah, yeah" Dean murmured as he bent low catching his mouth. Castiel smiled against his lips before pulling away to see white air between them as they breathed hard, icy snow covered their coats and hair, and their noses and skin were pink from the cold.

"I never imagined this would happen" Castiel whispered up to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Kissing you in the snow like this…it's like a cliché movie romance" he said wrapping his arms around his neck. "I give you my heart…don't give it away"

Dean groaned at the line while Castiel chuckled capturing his lips once again before Dean hauled him up so they were standing.

"Don't ever say that again or I'll leave your heart to Elmo" he said brushing the snow off him and smiling as he brushed some off his eyelashes. "Come on…"

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere warm and I need a drink" he said linking their hands together as they walked out of the park and went to find a local pub. They soon found a local tavern and the drinks were soon drunk.

"I'm feeling a little weird and tipsy…don't you have work tomorrow?" Castiel murmured leaning into him and chuckling when Dean's hands pushed up his t-shirt.

"Yeah but I'll do a sickie" he murmured with a grin. "I'd rather spend the day in bed with you"

"We can't put our lives on hold for us, Dean"

"I know" he muttered with a sigh pressing his lips to his throat inhaling the smell of rainwater, beer, and something sweet. "I could though"

"No" Castiel murmured softly threading his hand into the back of his hair to tug him up and smile at him. "We can't"

"Spoilsport…can we go home? I want to fuck you, suck you, rim you, anything you" he murmured tugging him closer and smiling wickedly when he panted against his ear.

"Okay" Castiel murmured letting Dean tug him out of the booth as they stumbled out through the doors heading home. They couldn't keep their hands off each other as they climbed the stairs stumbling and laughing loudly only occasionally shushing one another as they reached the door.

"Dean, we're going to the most hated tenants in the block!" Castiel hissed when they stumbled in and slammed the door closed.

"Fuck them!" Dean cried out tugging him close as they kissed desperately stumbling over their clothes as they shredded them and Dean laughed when Castiel's t-shirt landed on Elmo.

"He's not happy with you" Dean mumbled against his mouth as they landed on the mattress and crashed foreheads.

"Fuck!"

"Ow!"

They stared at each other moment before laughing hysterically and rolling around till they were underneath the blanket and Dean was kissing down his chest. Castiel hummed spreading out his arms as he let Dean lavish him in kisses and sharp nips to the skin.

"My head kills"

"Same" Dean murmured with a chuckle rising up and settling in between his thighs as he hovered over him. "You're so pretty"

"You're drunk, Dean, we both are" he murmured looking around the bedroom before focusing on him with narrowed eyes. "Stop staring at me"

"I can't help it" he murmured touching the red spot on his forehead. "Do you think we'll be together in ten years' time?"

"Well who knows I mean it took us ten years to get together so…maybe" Castiel whispered with a chuckle.

"What do you want to happen in the future, Cas, for us?"

"I thought you wanted to fuck, suck, and rim me?"

"Cas, answer me"

"I forgot you got serious when you're drunk" Castiel said with a sigh running a hand through his hair and focused on him. "I _will _be with you in the future, Dean, you are it and you know this…I don't know why you need constant reassurance but listen to me when I say I love you and only you…you're my first love. I'd like to imagine we live in a little house somewhere in the country maybe? Our own little house we can create ourselves for the rest of our lives. I'd like to grow vegetables and Holly would like the garden. I'd like you to be in a good job and a garage for you to work on the car because I know how much you love her"

Dean stared in shocked awe rolling onto his side to stare at him. "What about marriage and…kids?"

"You know my views on those, Dean; I'd love to marry you and children? Who knows…we could adopt but I don't think we're quite ready for that" he said stroking a hand down his cheek. "I don't think we should plan ahead anyway…take one day a day at a time because everything is unpredictable"

Dean hummed with a nod dropping his head on the pillow. Castiel wriggled closer nuzzling his cheek and slotting them together like a puzzle.

"I'm tired" Dean murmured sleepily pressing their foreheads together.

"You're always tired and now you're leaving me horny and…" he said trailing off when Dean's eyes drooped and he fell into a drunken sleep. "You assbutt"

Christmas Day came quickly as anything as they celebrated it together for the first time as a couple exchanging gifts. Dean raised an eyebrow as he unwrapped a pair of matching dressing gowns with Mr and Mr on the back.

"Seriously"

"It's a joke"

"Cute" Dean said with a snort as he unwrapped the DVD collection he wanted and grinned at him. "See this is why I love you"

"I'll never tire of hearing you say that"

"What?"

"You telling me you love me…I longed for it for so long and now I have it"

"I love you"

Castiel's cheeks flushed pink as he looked over to Holly chewing on her toy bone. "One year today since we got her"

"Time flies" he murmured thoughtfully. "You downgraded on my present"

"So did you!" Castiel said outraged chucking wrapping paper at him. "Ungrateful ass"

"Hey! I am very grateful" Dean said pulling on his dressing gown. "Oh this is warm"

"Exactly" Castiel said with a sneer. "I'm getting a shower, joining me?"

"No I'll clean this" he murmured standing up as he did and slapping him hard on the ass. "Hurry up"

Castiel scowled rubbing his ass cheek as he walked away and leaving Dean to shoo Elmo away from the paper as he collected it listening to Castiel hum a Christmas song. Christmas dinner was yet again at Karen's house as per usual. They would have cooked themselves but neither one of them could cook.

It was greetings as usual as they went around with Holly in tow who wandered in with a bark of greeting as they exchanged hugs and "Merry Christmas" with each other.

"How did it go this morning?" Sam said as he handed him a beer.

"Cas got us matching dressing gowns…I feel so domestic" he murmured shaking his head.

"I'm just glad you came to your senses"

Dean raised his eyebrows with a nod looking over to him talking with Gabriel. "Me too"

"Gabriel is taking me to me to Scotland" Sam murmured showing him the tickets.

"Whoa, seriously? Isn't it like majorly cold over there?" Dean said stunned staring at the flight tickets.

"Great scenery apparently" Sam said with a shrug. "I can't wait…he said he has a surprise for me when we go over there?"

"What kind of surprise"

Sam shrugged with a small smile. "I can't wait to find out"

Dean rolled his eyes at the puppy love suddenly radiating over his little brother's face. Castiel looked over to him and Dean winked at him feeling amused when a pink flush covered his cheeks as he smiled looking away from him.

"God you two"

"Oh you shut up" Dean muttered aiming a kick at Sam who dodged it with a laugh.

"It's seriously sickening! You two are seriously in love"

"You can say nothing, Sammy, I had to deal with your and Gabriel's make outs for far too long so suck it up!" Dean said pointing a finger at his face as he stood up and walked over to him.

"So I heard you two are going…Scotland" Dean said as he wound his arm around Castiel's waist with a frown.

"Yes, Deano, clever boy!"

"You're such a dick"

"Takes one to know one sweetheart" Gabriel murmured as he walked back to Sam.

"You two are children" Castiel said with a sigh sipping his wine.

"You're a woman" he murmured poking at the glass.

"You know I hate beer"

"It's because you're a freak" Dean murmured into his ear. "My freak of a best friend and boyfriend"

"Say it again"

"What?"

"Boyfriend"

Dean smiled as he pulled him closer and purred into his ear. "Boyfriend"

"Fuck" Castiel whispered looking back to him and kissed the corner of his mouth. "You're mine"

Dean nodded as he tugged him around pulling him behind the tree and ignoring the gagging from Sam and Gabriel who left the room as they kissed behind it like teenagers.

"We need to stop doing this"

"Kissing?"

"Like this! We are not teenagers, Dean" he said closing his eyes with a shake of his head. "I'm a fan of public displays of affection but this is impossible"

"Oh stop whining!"

"Dean…" he protested as Dean cut him off with his tongue.

"Boys!"

They sprang apart scared and looked over to Karen who was staring at the pair of them amused. Castiel flushed glaring at Dean who smirked as he mouthed "sorry" at Karen who huffed out a laugh.

"Castiel, lay the table, and Dean…take a cold shower and keep your hands off my son for five minutes" she said swatting him with a tea towel.

Christmas Dinner was a playful disaster as they squabbled over food, drink, and ended up knocking things over as they pulled crackers and all of them loved it. Christmas was never perfect and if it was something was very, very, wrong.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Dean had a secret. Castiel knew he was hiding something and he didn't like it one bit as Dean became secretive after Christmas. It was now New Year's Eve and they were going to celebrate with the family who were this year having a party there for the fellow neighbours. Castiel of course couldn't outright ask what the secret was but he didn't like Dean's remoteness.

"Dean" he called over to him as they got ready.

"What?" Dean said looking edgy as he turned to face him.

"Is everything okay?" he murmured walking over to him. "You've been….well…you've been acting very odd and kind of secretive these last few days"

"It's nothing, I'm just tired"

"Are you lying?"

"No!" Dean said taking his hand and pulling him close. "It's fine, Cas, promise"

"You would tell me if something was wrong?"

"Yeah" Dean murmured letting go of his hand and moving away. Castiel watched after him feeling a punch to his gut at the lie. He swallowed hard twisting his hands together before inhaling deeply and moving to finish getting ready.

Dean let his head thump back against the wall and hated lying to him but it was necessary. He was one second away from blowing his cover. Dean moved forward as he stared in the mirror finishing tweaking his hair and stepped out fidgeting nervously waiting for him.

"Are you ready?" he called waiting for Castiel to come out and inhaled sharply looking at him in his navy blue shirt, tight fitting jeans, and black shoes.

"Fuck" Dean murmured tugging him close and looking him up and down. "Can we not go and can I take these off with my teeth"

Dean slapped his ass hard satisfied when he gasped landing against his chest and shaking his head.

"No, we are going!" he ordered pulling on his jacket. "Hurry up"

"Spoilsport"

"Yes" Castiel agreed as they looked over to Holly who looked sad on her bed. "I feel bad for leaving her"

"We can't take her, Cas, she'll be fine with Elmo"

"I know" he murmured sadly letting Dean lead him out.

The party was in full swing when they arrived and Gabriel already drunk opened the door with a loud yell as he pulled them into a hug.

"Sorry" Sam said with a wince prying him off them. "He's been drinking since three and he's hammered already"

"S-Sam don't…don't you dare…" Gabriel slurred bringing him into a sloppy kiss. Dean grimaced grabbing Castiel's hand as they took off their jackets and mingled with neighbours who cooed and gushed about them finally being together after all these years. Castiel nodded and gave his thanks keeping a watchful eye on Dean wondering what his secret was. It was a niggling thought in his mind that wouldn't escape as he sat in a seat in the corner feeling like a high school dance reject watching the love of his life mingle with other people and not him.

"Little bro!" Gabriel shouted coming over and tugging him into a painful hug.

"Gabe" he breathed pushing him back.

"Why-why do you look like someone killed that damn cat?"

"Gabe!"

"What?"

"You're drunk, give me this" he murmured taking the bottle away and shook his head. "I'm fine"

"L-Liar" Gabriel murmured swaying and dropping into the seat letting his head drop. Castiel sighed shaking his head and leaving him to it as he went to find Dean and found him muttering in the corner with Sam.

He swallowed walking over to them and watching as they both jumped when he suddenly appeared.

"Gabriel is passed out"

"Fuck" Sam muttered rolling his eyes and walking away to go find him.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing" Dean replied with a fake smile.

"Right" Castiel said with a sigh grabbing an alcoholic soft drink.

"Cas…"

"You're keeping things from me, Dean, and I don't know why" he snapped looking over to him. "In a relationship we are meant to be truthful and honest with each other"

"I know…look, Cas…"

"Are you going to tell me the truth?"

"No, look…Cas!" he called after him as he walked away from Dean and into the living room. Dean closed his eyes frustrated willing time to go faster as he picked at the food shoving it into his mouth.

Castiel was angry and upset. Why could a New Year's Eve never go right for them? He stuck to the floor ignoring people who questioned him and rolled his eyes when Karen came over a little too tipsy.

"Baby, what's going on?"

"Dean is acting like an ass, jerk, bastard, and a liar"

"What's he done?"

"He's keeping things from me" he murmured sipping the red sickly taste of the drink.

Karen frowned deeply touching his arm. "Have you talked to him?"

"I don't really want to right now"

"Darling…"

"Leave it mom…go enjoy the party and say goodbye to 2014" he said squeezing her hand and watching her walk away with a frown.

It was the half an hour leading up to midnight when he saw Dean walking towards him and grabbing his hand to tug him up.

"No, go away, Dean, I don't want to speak to you" Castiel said taking his hand back.

"Listen to me" Dean insisted cupping his face. "There's a reason!"

"You're just drunk"

"I'm not drunk, I've had three drinks because I wanted to be sober for this" he said taking staring deep into his eyes. "Please listen to me"

"Fine"

Dean swallowed glancing at the time and back to him with a nod. "I've been thinking about this for a while…wondering if I could do it and I think I can. I've been avoiding you because it's nerve-wracking being around you sometimes so I kept myself distant. But I know I can do this and I have one question for you"

Castiel narrowed his eyes watching him carefully and around them as people glanced over to them curiously. Dean closed his eyes taking a deep breath feeling embarrassment tickle his back but he could do this, _he could. _His knee bent as he went down on one knee keeping his eyes on Castiel's expression as it turned from confusion and doubt to pure shock.

"I want to marry you" Dean said softly and shakily pressing the black box into his hands as silence went around the room as people gasped softly, Sam looked over fondly and completely in the know and Gabriel cried out in a slurred voice. "Holy shit!"

Castiel opened the box to with shaky fingers to see the woven silver band fitted to his finger and felt tears coat the back of his throat in shock.

"So are you going to marry me then?" Dean teased with a smile while Castiel stared around the room opening and closing his mouth stunned as the countdown went down on the telly leading up to 2015 as he collected his thoughts, everything that had happened and nodding.

"Yes" he whispered dropping to his knees in front of him as people cheered around them and the clock chimed above him signalling the end of 2014 and the start of 2015. Dean slid it onto his finger with a chuckle as fell into a kiss, Castiel touching his cheek and smiling through tears that brimmed in his eyes.

"I love you, I'm so in love with you" Castiel whispered with a choked sob shaking his head as he kissed him. Dean couldn't help but laugh as he held him close.

"I know the feeling" he murmured with a blink kissing away his tears stroking his thumb over the ring before they were pulled away by calls of congratulations and could distantly hear Karen sobbing in joy with a stunned Anna holding her, Gabriel shouting about jelly shots and Sam trying to calm him down.

Eventually they got each other back and Dean held him close letting him rest against him exhausted and content. It was the best start to a new year and they both looking forward to what it would bring.

**A/N: One more chapter left and all done. Thank you so much for all the reviews! Ah!**


	35. Chapter 35

_**June 2015**_

There was a reason weddings were so stressful and Dean and Castiel were both feeling it as a pair of an overexcited Anna and Karen decided they would take charge as wedding planners, Gabriel and Sam elected themselves to be the best men because they _knew _they would be chosen anyway. It was to be a summer wedding to the decision of both of them and they would use their savings to pay for the small ceremony.

"Small mom…we don't want a huge wedding…just friends and family" Castiel pleaded with Karen who nodded with a roll of her eyes. It was constant flowers, food, ceremonies, registry offices, states were gay marriage was legal which of course was many now. Dean was growing tired of it already but he had no regrets asking him to marry him because he actually wanted this.

"No regrets?" Castiel murmured as he straddled his thighs kissing him softly and pulling away to look into his eyes.

"No way" Dean replied softly looking him up and down. "I get to marry you"

"I can't believe you proposed"

"Cas, it's been a month"

"I know but it's still a surprise" he said looking down at his engagement ring with a smile before pulling him into a soft but passionate kiss linking their hands together. "I can't wait to marry you"

"I never knew I was the type" Dean said thoughtfully nuzzling his cheek and smiling when he hummed pressing into him and wrapping his arms around his neck. Dean was feeling the familiar heat and was definitely in the mood for sex when Castiel's phone rang. They both sighed as he pulled it out answering it.

"What mom?" he said with a pout looking at Dean who rolled his eyes at him. "They're just flowers…but they are…fine….okay I'll be there soon"

"Our wedding is already ruining our sex life"

"She's freaking and wants me to make a decision" he said pressing a quick kiss to his mouth as he stood up. "No to the roses?"

"Yeah because roses are tacky" he said with a nose wrinkle of disgust watching him get ready to go out. "Just any will do, Cas"

"I'll make it up to you as soon as I'm back"

"You better" Dean said stretching out and whistling for Holly who came padding out of the bedroom and running to him. Castiel smiled pulling his head back for a final kiss before leaving. Dean watched him with a thoughtful look before staring down at Holly's head in his lap panting happily.

"Marriage ruining sex life already" he murmured with a shake of his head. Castiel arrived at the house with a frown when Karen bundled him and was forced to sit at the kitchen table across from Anna who was poring over magazines and ripping out pages.

"I don't know what the fuss is all about" Castiel said with a sigh. "Dean quite liked the Casablanca lilies and so did I so…that's our decision"

"Not violets?" Anna said thrusting the paper into his face.

"No"

"Roses…"

"No because Dean says they're tacky"

"Like Dean knows anything at all to do with weddings" Anna said with a scoff and a sigh. "But I will admit Casablanca lilies are rather beautiful and I think we should get calla lilies also"

"Okay…can I go now?"

"No not yet we need your decisions on a venue because they will need booking! This is your wedding sweetheart and it will be the best wedding because you damn well deserve it after waiting so long for him to get his act together. You're getting married" she said with a beaming smile clutching his hand for a moment before pulling away.

"Forever and ever" Castiel said with a small smile. "I never thought he would ask because I mean in a way we've only been together since September"

"But known each other for ten years, Castiel, so be quiet" she scolded and handed him print outs. He brought out his cell sending a quick text to Dean.

_**Help me. **_

Dean smiled at the message typing back a quick reply.

_**Play sick and come home. I'll take good care of you using my cock and tongue. **_

Castiel flushed reading the reply and scowled thumbing a reply before snapping it closed and looking through the print outs.

_**Filthy talk, Dean, I'll be home soon and I need taking care of immediately. **_

Dean laughed startling Elmo who was licking himself and faced the death glare as he stalked off quickly followed by Holly. He sighed feeling bored and pulled a wedding magazine towards him thumbing through it and swallowed looking through everything. This was really happening. In a couple of months he was going to be married and that was that because there was no going back and he wasn't about to turn around demanding a divorce or separation in ten years' time. He was looking forward to getting married but also shit scared because he wouldn't be human if he wasn't.

It was late when Castiel returned looking tired and vaguely annoyed. He shrugged off his jacket and collapsed next to Dean who raised an eyebrow staring over at him.

"How was it?"

"Hell"

"Do you want to go to Vegas and have a big gay wedding instead?"

"Yes please" Castiel said with a sigh cuddling into his side and closing his eyes when Dean pressed a kiss on his temple.

"I think we'd disappoint our family though and they'd hate us" Dean whispered into his hair and pulled back to look into his eyes. "Shall I take care of you now?"

"Yes" Castiel murmured pulling him into a hard kiss nipping his bottom lip and groaning wantonly as Dean pressed him into the sofa. "God, yes"

"Just call me Dean" Dean whispered into his throat with a smile grabbing his hips and hoisting him up as he carried him into the bedroom.

"You think you're so hilarious" Castiel said with a roll of his eyes when he dropped him on the bed and Dean crawled over him.

"I am hilarious and you know it, you love my wit, humour, and everything else"

"You're okay I suppose" Castiel murmured as they pulled at each other's clothes. "You're irritating sometimes"

"Hey!" Dean cried poking him in the side so he spluttered wriggling underneath him. "You're pure evil"

"Shut up" Castiel murmured against his mouth as they got naked and Dean paid particular attention to his neck and chest sucking and biting the skin till it was red. Castiel moaned restfully pushing his hands up and clutching the pillow underneath his head.

Dean loved being control as Castiel wriggled and writhed underneath his hands and mouth unable to hold back the small moans. He loved hearing them and flicked a tongue over his nipple sucking the little nub and pulling back with a chortle when he moaned kicking his feet out.

"Keep still! So impatient" he murmured tilting his chin up as he kissed him slowly and deeply tasting coffee and peanuts. Castiel huffed against his lips but tried his best to keep still as Dean moved lower cupping his hands over his thighs as his hands stroked down them and he parted them. Dean groaned low when Castiel's thighs spread showing him in all his glory.

"Cas, you're too beautiful" he murmured taking him into his mouth sucking softly on the head. Castiel groaned in appreciation above him as Dean sucked him down bobbing his head up and down, deep throating him for a moment before taking him back into his mouth again.

"D-Dean, fuck, I'm going to…" he cried hand fisting in his hair desperately as he climaxed with a loud cry flooding deep into his mouth and throat. Dean swallowed every last drop before pulling away and staring up at him as he panted hard flailing a hand in his direction.

"Your mouth is a sin"

"Mm, I know, turn over"

"Why?"

"I'm going to put this sin to further use" he murmured manhandling him so he was lying on his stomach feeling blissed out even with his ass in there and Dean's hands kneading his ass. Castiel gasped wordlessly clutching the blanket when Dean parted his cheeks pressing his mouth over the little puckered hole. He moaned pressing his face into the cushion as Dean sucked, licked, and pushed his tongue inside of him. It was dirty and that was the beauty of it as he let Dean take him apart piece by piece, his cock was half hard pushing against the bed and he gasped feeling sensitive.

"Dean!" he called out his hands clutching at the bed feeling wet and so loose underneath Dean's mouth and tongue. The orgasm building inside of him was a touch painful because he wasn't young anymore and it did take time. It made him feel old. It came soon though as his cock twitched and he came with another loud cry as Dean quickly removed his mouth and his come splattered against the sheets and his body collapsed against it. Dean smiled into his spine kissing down it slowly.

"Cas"

"Mmph" he murmured.

"I love you" he whispered into his lower back watching him shift and nod looking sleepy.

"I want to fuck you now"

"No" Castiel whined when Dean turned him over. "I can't, Dean, I'm too sensitive and I'm no longer eighteen years old and horny"

"So I have to go without" Dean murmured pressing his hard cock against his thigh. Castiel blinked staring down at it and back up to Dean who pouted at him.

"You're a pain in the ass"

"I'd like to be in your ass"

"Give me ten minutes" Castiel whispered with a chuckle closing his eyes when Dean sighed pressing his lips to his throat. Dean rolled onto his side curling against him as they kissed lazily.

"So where do you want to go on honeymoon?"

"Anywhere"

"Anywhere? Elaborate, Cas"

"Australia"

"Fine" Dean whispered with a nod kissing him sweetly. To his relief Castiel soon perked up and was ready for Dean who opened him up quick and swiftly with three fingers and lots of lube before pushing inside the tight heat. Dean groaned welcoming it with relief and nothing more. It was slow but passionate as Dean thrusted into him at a pace that left Castiel nearly boneless when he climaxed for a third time and welcomed the hot warmth when Dean's orgasm crashed over him. He grunted when Dean's weight crashed into him and his hands stroked down the warm sweaty back and his pressed his lips against his in a sweet kiss.

"Better?"

"Much" Dean said with a chuckle pulling out of him and rolling onto his back breathing hard. "Cas, promise me something?"

"Anything"

"When we're married…don't let our sex life drift to once a year when we're in the mood"

Castiel laughed softly staring up at the ceiling and nodded. "I promise"

"I need sex in my life" Dean said in a breathless tone.

"I know you do"

"I also want our future"

"What future?"

"That little house you want, me, you, and a future" Dean said softly looking over to him and rolling onto his side to face him. "This is so domestic"

"It's called real life"

"No it's domestic"

"Shut up" Castiel whispered shutting his eyes feeling exhausted as they curled around each other falling into a post haze sex sleep.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

Their wedding day was on the 6th June 2015. They didn't have stag dos because those are celebrations for the end of single life and they didn't want that they wanted marriage. The lead up to it was complete hell with venues being booked, invitations being sent out, the reception, food, the photographer, and making sure it was gay friendly of course because it was their wedding day.

Dean and Castiel were permanently exhausted what with planning it, work, and everything else on top of it. They hardly had any time for each other. Tension started to stir between them and it lead to fights, snapping at each other, disagreements, and general unease.

"I hardly see you anymore!" Dean shouted at him two weeks before the wedding when Castiel came in dumped his stuff and to head back out to see Karen and Anna. "This is _our _wedding here, Cas, and we should be planning this together as a couple not with your fucking family constantly intervening!"

"They are helping us!"

"I know! Believe me…I know but I hardly see you, we're constantly tired…we're not having sex and I can't remember the last time I kissed you! If I knew this was going to happen I shouldn't have fucking asked you!" Dean shouted kicking the wall breathing hard and staring at Castiel who gaped at him.

"Are you regretting it?"

"No, Cas, of course I'm not regretting it" Dean said with a sigh rubbing his forehead. "I want to marry you…I can hardly believe it myself sometimes but I do"

Castiel walked over taking his hands and squeezing them gently. "I hate fighting with you"

"We keep fighting"

"I know"

"This is why people shouldn't get married" Dean murmured with a sigh closing his eyes when Castiel wrapped his arms around his neck clinging to him.

"Two weeks and this will all be over" he whispered into his ear. "We'll be married and I'll have your name"

"You're taking it?" Dean murmured pulling back to look at him.

"Yes…I want to change my last name to yours"

"Good" Dean muttered with a grin bringing him into a kiss cupping the back of his skull stroking his fingers into his hair. He inhaled the smell of his aftershave as they wrapped themselves around each other.

"I need to see them thought because it's last minute preparations and they want me, well us, to look at the menu they've chosen"

"No"

"What?"

"We're not doing that tonight, we're spending time together"

"Dean…"

"No" Dean snapped staring at him with narrowed eyes. "I know you want this to be perfect for both of us but at this rate…with the way we're going I don't think there will be a wedding" he said pulling away from him and going to make a drink. Holly snuffled walking over to Castiel as she whined shoving her nose into his hand.

"Okay, I'll call my mom and tell her that we're not coming"

"Good…we'll do at the weekend" he said peering over his shoulder to look at him. "I don't want to lose you because of all this fighting"

"Me too"

From there on it was up to them to resolve everything and eventually they did with mutual decisions and finally their day arrived. They of course separated with Dean staying in the apartment with Sam and Castiel went to the house with Gabriel and the rest of the family. Castiel woke up feeling jittery and on edge as he stared out of the window and saw the sun high in the sky. It was going to be a beautiful but hot summer day and he was feeling the nerves.

"I still can't believe you're getting married before me!" Gabriel said as he walked into his bedroom that morning. "I have been with Sam a lot longer than you two"

"I'm getting married" Castiel murmured turning to face him. "Do you how long I have dreamt of this and now it's here"

"Second thoughts? Are you getting cold feet?"

"No! No of course not…I want to marry him more than anything in the world"

"Good because I think mom would have a mental breakdown if you backed out now" he said handing him his suit. "Go on then, shower, shave, suit, flower, car, church, vows, reception, and then hard-core sex to make this partnership final"

"Gabe!" Castiel said shoving him out of the way as he walked out and Gabriel laughed as he walked into the bathroom.

"Dean!" Sam cried shoving him hard. "Wedding day, remember?"

"Fuck" Dean murmured muffled looking up at Sam with squinted eyes. "I'm seriously getting married…didn't I say once I would never ever get married because I don't do relationships and now I'm marrying my best friend"

"Please tell me this isn't the freak out" Sam said with a sigh.

"I'm getting married!"

"I know!"

"Fuck!" Dean said shooting up out of the bed and stumbling out of the bedroom. "Marriage…actual marriage…I said I would never fall in love"

"Dude, you're 29"

"I didn't think I'd be marrying Cas of all people in the world" he murmured thoughtfully.

"Are you regretting it already?"

"No, Sam, it's just hitting me that after this he's mine and I'm his forever and ever"

Sam snorted and took hold of his shoulders taking him into the kitchen and making him a black coffee.

"You need to chill out and realise that this is happening and it's going to be great" Sam said softly squeezing his shoulders and going to get his suit. Dean sipped the coffee feeling nervous as he contemplated the day.

Their worries resulted into nothing as they both turned up, their guests turned up, guests including Jo and her twin boys, Balthazar decided to make an appearance to Castiel's relief as they hugged in greeting beforehand, and friends from work turned up.

"Have you got the ring?" Dean hissed to Sam who rolled his eyes with a nod.

The ceremony was in Karen's words: stunning. Dean couldn't help but smile when his eyes landed on Castiel in his suit and he shook his head at him.

"What?" Castiel murmured with a smile of his own as he took his hand.

"You look awesome" Dean murmured feeling a little giddy with happiness. It was an overwhelming feeling as they exchanged their own personal vows to each other instead of the typical ones. It was amazing how quickly it flew by as they slid the gold bands onto their fingers and he met Castiel's eyes with a small smile.

"I do" Castiel murmured last and smiled when Dean pulled him into a kiss that was tender sweet as he cradled his jaw. Claps went all around as they broke apart and Dean chuckled brushing a thumb under Castiel's eye as a tear leaked out. It wasn't the end though as they signed the certificate and were passed around the family for congratulations and hugs.

"You're fucking married!" Balthazar cried. "Are we 100% sure this isn't a dream?"

"If it is I'm going to find you and kill you"

"Oh I have chills" Balthazar murmured slapping his back and pulling away. "But seriously…congratulations…you're made for one another"

"I would hope so" Castiel said softly and walked over to Karen who sobbed into his shoulder.

They soon departed and climbed into the hired limo that drove them to the reception in town. Castiel looked over to Dean and chuckled when he tackled him into a kiss.

"Did that really just happen?"

"Yes!" Castiel said with a breath of laughter.

"I can't believe it…"

"I can"

"Oh god…we have to dance"

Castiel smiled at him softly drawing him into another kiss before they broke apart and Dean grabbed the champagne bottle with a grin.

"Now we're talking about it!"

They soon arrived at the reception were they taking pictures because it was better scenery.

"It's a good job I'm photogenic" Dean murmured into his ear after the 15th picture with different members of the wedding party.

"I can't wait to see them" Castiel said softly and Dean saw the look in his eye. He couldn't wait to frame one. They all moved inside after that and things were more relaxed.

After the initial worry, the fighting beforehand, the mix ups, the payments, and the moments of cold feet in the morning it turned out to the perfect day. The meal went well, the cake was a simple design which they cut before Dean shoved it into his Castiel's face and laughed loudly at his expression. Their dance was a little awkward for Dean because he _did not dance _but they soon moved past it and into their own little world as they moved around the dance floor. Their honeymoon wasn't for another two days and they were travelling over to Sydney, Australia for one week away so tonight they were staying in a five star hotel room.

"I love you so much" Castiel murmured staring into eyes. "You're mine now"

"I was always yours and I love you too" Dean said softly as they swayed in the middle of the dance floor together.

"But you weren't in a sense and it all took was 3652 days"

"I can't believe you counted, you freak" Dean said with a snort.

"I kept a calendar and I googled it"

"Oh I bet you did" Dean said softly nuzzling his cheek. "No divorce, no nothing, we're together forever and ever and ever…"

"…and a day after that"

"So cliché" Dean whispered smiling against his lips. "But who gives a shit"

"Not me"

"Shall we make our future now? Our little house, a little garden...children and a mortgage"

"Yes please" Castiel whispered with a smile wrapping his arms around his neck.

They deserved this. Ten years was enough of waiting, pining, loss, suffering, and pain because now he had him and he wanted ten years of this. He wanted their future more than air and by god he was going to get it.

_**~0~0~0~0~**_

_**May 2020**_

Dean stared out of the window staring at Castiel wearing his worn pants covered in dirt, a smudge of dirt on his cheek and his eyes bright as he attended to his little garden. It was the height of spring and he was currently growing tomatoes, cabbages, and his little apple tree was growing at the end of the garden. Holly was rooting around the garden and Elmo was an old boy now was lying in the sun. He watched him feeling content as he watched his husband of five years, the love of his life, and the one constant in his life beam with happiness he just adored.

They got their little house, the house of their dreams, nearly three years ago when they went house hunting and found one with a red door, a wild garden, and two bedrooms and in Castiel's eyes it was just heaven. It wasn't too far from the main town and an hour away from Sam and Gabriel who were now living in their own apartment and engaged to be married in 2022. Dean wasn't allowed to be pissed because Sam was now old enough and Gabriel was more than certain Sam was the one for him.

Castiel felt eyes on him as he looked up and met Dean's eyes with a small smile. He stood brushing his hands as he walked back in and took him in.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"Just realising how lucky I am"

"How lucky you are?" Castiel said amused taking off his shoes and leaving the door open for Holly to walk in if she wanted to. "I think I'm the lucky one"

"Bullshit"

Castiel shook his head as he walked over to him wrapping his arms around his neck to stare into his eyes. Dean leaned in stealing a kiss because he could when a squeal made them pull away to stare at the twins in their high chairs communicating to one another as they ate their banana's.

Isabella Mary Winchester and Isaac John Winchester were born 13th September 2019 after one year and a half of fighting for their right to have a child with a surrogate which they won. Dean would be the donor and their surrogate would be a woman named, Harriet Whyte, who had already carried two children for same sex couples. What was meant to be one little baby boy turned out to be twins to the shock and delight of the pair of them and even more the delight of Jo who got the call and screamed down it in joy. Castiel got the first names and Dean got the second names after they flipped a coin.

Everything seemed to melt and bend into shape after that for the pair of them as they became proud parents to two babies. Castiel adopted the pair of them when they were three months old and named it the third best day of his life. The first marrying Dean, the second being the twins being born and the third adopting them so they were _his. _

Castiel smiled at Dean while Dean shook his head at them. "They scare me sometimes with their silent communication"

"They're twins, Dean, they're the same egg"

"Mm" Dean said with a hum kissing him and letting him go when Isabella started to scream for "da" and was a banana mess. Castiel walked over with a tut scooping her up as Dean attended to Isaac.

"My messy little boy" Dean said staring into his light green eyes shining bright with laughter. Castiel said the pair of them looked exactly like Dean. His eyes drifted over to Castiel lifting Isabella high in the air as she squealed kicking her legs, her light brown curls fluttering and her pink summer dress showing off her diaper. His heart hurt with the love he felt at the sight of them and he pressed a kiss to Isaac's sticky cheek.

"Cat" Isaac cried gesturing at Dean who took him outside and pointed at Elmo who was ignoring them. Dean grinned when he clapped shouting "cat" over and over again. Castiel walked out joining them with Isabella on his hip now clean after a wet wipe attack.

"Here" Castiel said as they swapped children and Isaac smiled at him widely before wailing when his face was wiped. Dean fought back his laughter resting his cheek on top of Isabella's soft hair as she snuggled into his shoulder.

"Is my baby girl feeling tired?" he murmured holding her close.

"They aren't due a nap for another hour but she was restless last night" Castiel said jiggling a disgruntled Isaac. "Don't let her sleep, Dean, she won't sleep later"

"I know"

"You said that yesterday" Castiel said with an amused look cooing at Isaac who pushed his hands into his face giggling now.

They were a happy little family and had come so far in 16 years or 5843 days. It wasn't perfect because nothing is. They still had their little fights, arguments, and domestics but they were a married couple and parents now and if they didn't have that then something was very, very, wrong. Dean had no idea what was going to happen all those years ago in 2004 when he was a drunk teenager meeting the weird kid with an even weirder name and it would take him ten years to realise who he really was to him.

"I love you" Castiel murmured when Dean came over bringing him into his personal space as the twins stayed content in their arms. Dean nodded pressing their foreheads together in a familiar way as he soaked in the reality of their lives.

"I love you too…"

"For forever…"

"…and a day after that" Dean whispered with sincerity staring into his eyes and feeling like the luckiest person in the whole world and cursed the days he hadn't realised it.

They've been through enough and 3652 days was a long time, yes, but it took everything to be here right now and really, they deserved every single happy moment. This was not their end, this was their beginning.

**A/N: 35 chapters later and they have a happy ending with twins! TWINS! I love this little story so much and I always feel like crying because what the hell am I going to do now? Thank you so much for all the reviews and support for this because I had no idea beginning this. **

**I'll be back hopefully with a new little verse. **


	36. Author's Note

Author's note: Aw, guys, I am very, very sorry about that! It was a very late hour when I uploaded that and my eyes aren't amazing at 2am on a Monday morning. It's all been corrected now and I hoped you enjoyed the story.


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